Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Brothers wife, bridges burnt. What do we do?!

575 replies

tallulahturtle · 11/07/2017 23:59

Ok.

My brother got married last autumn and all seemed well. Had a few sketchy moments leading up to wedding where my parents were offering to pay for bits and bobs here and there and the bride seemed to take offence. Wedding happened and all fine, then my parents gently enquiry about wedding photos as they would really like to choose a few to have put in a frame. Months and months go by where my brother and his Mrs say "they are not ready yet". Eventually my brother says they are ready and this is the photographers contact details. So they order some and all fine.
The wedding video......my parents go visit my brother and Mrs and they show them the video, parents casually ask who did it. My brother tells them.

My parents ordered a copy ( they have a copy of my wedding video so thought it would be nice to have my brothers wedding too).

Last weekend on a visit they casually mention that they have got a copy.

Brothers wife goes from friendly to hostile rapidly. Goes very quiet. Parents mention it to me, I say " you are being over sensitive, she much have just been tired perhaps"

Yesterday brother phones to say please don't show anyone else the DVD.

Again phones this morning to say "please return the dvds to us as she is freaking out about it"

Ok must say, we have watched them and there is no dodgy sex scene. It's just a regular wedding video.

My parents as am I , are worried that we can never repair this. They have agreed to send the dvd to her and essentially lose £50 , but we just wonder what the hell we did wrong. Had no idea she was so sensitive about these things. Personally I would feel happy if my parents in law wanted a copy of the wedding video. At least it meant they gave a shit about me.

Anyways just looking for opinions on the whole situation as my parents have always felt her standoffish as she seems to be friendly for the first hour of a visit (we only visit every 4 months or so for half a day to go for a pub lunch for example) , then she goes all quiet as if she has had enough.

I may sound biased but my parents are not controlling or over bearing. They are just simply interested and care about them.

Just wish she could realise it. If anyone has any ideas as to how to mend this rift or even an idea of what her issue might be so we can be better prepared in future. My parents are approaching their 70s so just want everyone to be happy, life is way too short.

OP posts:
SecretLifeOfSam · 12/07/2017 11:02

Also they are all very close as they all live within 2 miles of each other and are in touch daily. I always (even after all these years) feel a bit of an outsider.

Agree with this 100% . My ILs have a WhatsApp group which they constantly talk about day to day things like what they're having for dinner - honestly it never stops pinging! I have never been invited into this group thank god , but it does make me feel like the weekly visits are jsut for them to re-cap 'the group chat' and I sit there like a spare part!

superfluffyanimal · 12/07/2017 11:02

I love how people are making out that the PIL's snuck behind their back to get a copy of the video, they were shown the video and asked about getting a copy in front of DS and SIL.

I think its a bit odd, maybe ask your DB what the issue is, timing is key if you are due this weekend to visit?

BertrandRussell · 12/07/2017 11:04

"The genuinely surprising thing about this thread is the number of posters who clearly have met and know the SIL."

I know. And the utterly amazing coincidence is that they know the parents involved as well.......

KurriKurri · 12/07/2017 11:07

It sometimes seems that any contact with your children after they have married is seen as overbearing and interfering, rather than just loving them.

Mrsfrumble · 12/07/2017 11:08

But that's the case with every thread on MN, isn't it? We get the story from the POV of the OP, and everyone responds based on their own experiences and opinions.

2rebecca · 12/07/2017 11:11

Why do you never visit your brother without your parents?
It sounds as though your SIL was odd about the DVD but you said she was friendly until then. I'd try short visits without your parents when your SIL may feel more relaxed rather than her v her husband and 4 family members.
On several mumsnet threads women have complained about family members who won't visit alone but have to drag other family members they don't live with along with them every time so it's all large stressy gatherings or nothing.
I hate nearly all photos of me and am very glad there's no DVD.
If your SIL goes quiet after 1 hour of a visit then just visit them for an hour and then go for a walk or do something else for a time there, alternatively if your brother seems happy with longer visits just accept she'll go quiet after an hour and that's her and it's fine.

Hissy · 12/07/2017 11:17

Oh god, how many times have we had mentioned where Son & DIL invite his parents only for SIL to traipse along too?

Invite your SIL and DB to meet you separately, and have a conversation with DB about if SIL does struggle with visitors generally after an hour, or is it because there are too many people at once?

Do you all dominate conversation? does she feel outnumbered by you all?

I don't think you are being good guests perhaps and it is this that is causing her patience to run out after an hour

Pengggwn · 12/07/2017 11:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Whitecup · 12/07/2017 11:17

Imagine raising your son for 16 years + and then being told you can't have a copy of his wedding video?? I think your sil is really rude and disrespectful tbh. Your parents have every right to remember their sons happy day imo.

Aeroflotgirl · 12/07/2017 11:18

She sounds very weird, your brother should have got them some prints of their wedding.

Chiselle · 12/07/2017 11:18

Was the videography one of the "bits and bobs" they offered to pay for?

Not quite the same but I had someone turn up to something I was doing with excessive video equipment and thought they were doing a nice thing, but I just found it really cringeworthy and felt self-conscious when I should have been able to let go and enjoy myself.

I'm just trying to guess why she would be If your parents thought it was a great idea to get a videographer, perhaps she unwillingly went along with it to keep the peace thinking it would just be watched once under the bride and groom's supervision and then the DVD incinerated and never again would it see the light of day. In that hypothetical scenario, I would be annoyed if my PIL then went off to get their own copy (and I'd be furious if I found out that, having returned it when asked, they then obtained yet another copy).

However, if the video was all her idea perhaps she has serious image/self-consciousness issues (in which case I am sympathetic), or perhaps she's just petty (in which case I am empathetic. Sometimes. We've all been petty now and again).

Whitecup · 12/07/2017 11:19

It's not just 'someone' though is it? It's their son.

Pengggwn · 12/07/2017 11:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BertrandRussell · 12/07/2017 11:23

What, even though they had obviously been given the details which made buying it possible, and had been told where to go to choose and buy wedding photographs?

BarbarianMum · 12/07/2017 11:26

Penggwn They did ask. They asked their son. Who was fine about it. That's all the permission they need.

I agree w a pp. If the sexes were reversed we'd all be shouting "red flag" "controlling."

lanouvelleheloise · 12/07/2017 11:27

It sounds to me like your SIL is incredibly vain. That's the only explanation I can think of for freaking out about a wedding DVD.

TheFormidableMrsC · 12/07/2017 11:28

I can't believe some of the comments on this thread. I know somebody exactly like this right down to wedding "behaviour". She has now managed to alienate her husband from his entire family with her ludicrous controlling behaviour, disguised as being "insecure and introverted". Is she fuck. He just scuttles along behind her because it's "easier for a quiet life". What is wrong with some people? I'd be here forever listing examples of similar behaviour to that the OP describes above, the sulking, the entitlement, I've seen it with my own eyes. She does, however, still expect her IL's to do a four hour round trip to babysit her children so her and DH can have an evening out, despite her own parents living half a mile down the road (and it got a lot worse when the kids came along). She knows full well they will jump and do it as desperate to keep the peace. It's controlling and wrong. Nobody dares say anything in case they upset her and I have to walk away because otherwise I'm afraid I would call her on her behaviour. I wish somebody would, that's exactly what she needs. At things stand, she knows she's got everybody on tenterhooks and treading on eggshells. It's not OK to behave like that.

nauticant · 12/07/2017 11:31

Alternatively now there's conflict look for a way through it which is inclusive and considerate to the SIL's feelings without creating an "us vs her" atmosphere and without viewing her as a problem to be solved.

Deciding how best to win the conflict won't be constructive for the longer term.

KurriKurri · 12/07/2017 11:31

They did ask - they asked for details of where to obtain the DVD - bride should have refused to give details if she wanted to keep it secret.

The bride may have very good reason for not wanting anyone to see the DVD , but she should have made it clear from the outset and said to her husband ' never tell anyone about the DVD.' He clearly shared the info because that is the more normal outlook regarding wedding photos etc.

It's not the parents fault that they didn't anticipate a strange reaction, and if you are shown a DVD at someone's house, it's not that big a jump to assume they don;t mind you watching it.

Nanny0gg · 12/07/2017 11:32

Why doesn't the OP's brother get a say? It was his wedding too and his parents.

Why does SiL get to call all the shots? Maybe he wants to see his family and have them involved in his life!

And if some of you think they've been 'overbearing' then I do wonder what your family relationships are like.

KERALA1 · 12/07/2017 11:33

My parents get more out of our wedding videos than me or my sisters. They watch them on our anniversaries with a bottle of fizz. I think it's sweet. Grandparents (their parents) on them who have since died.

Nanny0gg · 12/07/2017 11:34

I do not think they should have ordered a copy of someone else's wedding video.

Their son whose wedding it actually was, told them they could!

Zaphodsotherhead · 12/07/2017 11:37

For another perspective -

the swimming incident. It was your DH, OP, that took his clothes off and went in for a swim, whereupon she recoiled and withdrew?

Do you think there's any chance that she was abused sexually by a man in her family? One she has no choice but to be subjected to the company of at situations like family weddings, but does not want any reminder of his presence, like a DVD? Maybe he's very prevalent on the DVD and she doesn't want people watching it and saying 'ooh look, there's ***, what a laugh/great person he is!'

Does she seem worse when your DH and dad are there as opposed to it being you and your mum? She just might have a real problem with men she doesn't know well. And your DB might not even know about it, depending on how private she is....

Nanny0gg · 12/07/2017 11:37

Alternatively now there's conflict look for a way through it which is inclusive and considerate to the SIL's feelings

Do you think she is doing the same?

user1495451339 · 12/07/2017 11:38

SIL sounds like a nightmare. I don't think it is anything you have done. She is making things awkward for your brother to have good relations with your parents and that is very unfair. It doesn't even sound like they see them that much, so it shouldn't be hard for her to make an effort once every four months!

She might be an introvert but how does she cope with real life if she can't even be civil for a few hours once a month? I am quite quiet but I would always make the effort for my husband's family who visit and stay for a week at a time!!!

I hope I have a better relationship with my DILs (if I get any!).