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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Brothers wife, bridges burnt. What do we do?!

575 replies

tallulahturtle · 11/07/2017 23:59

Ok.

My brother got married last autumn and all seemed well. Had a few sketchy moments leading up to wedding where my parents were offering to pay for bits and bobs here and there and the bride seemed to take offence. Wedding happened and all fine, then my parents gently enquiry about wedding photos as they would really like to choose a few to have put in a frame. Months and months go by where my brother and his Mrs say "they are not ready yet". Eventually my brother says they are ready and this is the photographers contact details. So they order some and all fine.
The wedding video......my parents go visit my brother and Mrs and they show them the video, parents casually ask who did it. My brother tells them.

My parents ordered a copy ( they have a copy of my wedding video so thought it would be nice to have my brothers wedding too).

Last weekend on a visit they casually mention that they have got a copy.

Brothers wife goes from friendly to hostile rapidly. Goes very quiet. Parents mention it to me, I say " you are being over sensitive, she much have just been tired perhaps"

Yesterday brother phones to say please don't show anyone else the DVD.

Again phones this morning to say "please return the dvds to us as she is freaking out about it"

Ok must say, we have watched them and there is no dodgy sex scene. It's just a regular wedding video.

My parents as am I , are worried that we can never repair this. They have agreed to send the dvd to her and essentially lose £50 , but we just wonder what the hell we did wrong. Had no idea she was so sensitive about these things. Personally I would feel happy if my parents in law wanted a copy of the wedding video. At least it meant they gave a shit about me.

Anyways just looking for opinions on the whole situation as my parents have always felt her standoffish as she seems to be friendly for the first hour of a visit (we only visit every 4 months or so for half a day to go for a pub lunch for example) , then she goes all quiet as if she has had enough.

I may sound biased but my parents are not controlling or over bearing. They are just simply interested and care about them.

Just wish she could realise it. If anyone has any ideas as to how to mend this rift or even an idea of what her issue might be so we can be better prepared in future. My parents are approaching their 70s so just want everyone to be happy, life is way too short.

OP posts:

EdmundCleverClogs · 12/07/2017 12:38

tallulahturtle were getting the full story from your side. Which isn't really the full story as you don't know yourself why your SiL has freaked out. If she had given a reason as to why or there was a history of being horrible to your parents then it would be easier to see one way or another. As it is, half of this situation is missing, leading to many assumptions.

EdmundCleverClogs · 12/07/2017 12:41

BertrandRussell, actually I mean the opposite. If the op asked her SiL or brother out straight why she felt so uncomfortable with the DVD, perhaps this whole thread could have been avoided. Or at least given a clearer view on the matter. Of course the SiL is under no obligation to disclose the reason, but asking is half the battle, and could avoid lighting more matches for that charred bridge.

VladmirsPoutine · 12/07/2017 12:44

EdmundCleverClogs It's MN, not a hearing at the ECJ.

LagunaBubbles · 12/07/2017 12:45

What ridiculous posts from a few posters saying patents are over involved etc. This was their child's wedding. I think offering to pay and asking for a few photos is completely normal! But some posters clearly have their own in-laws issues.

WonderLime · 12/07/2017 12:47

Either way, I actually do completely understand this from SIL's point of view if it is about feeling insecure.

I would assume a professional videographer would make something magical and would go ahead and hire one. But I am so critical of myself that when I actually see it I would hate it. I always have this general naivety around photos and am mostly disappointed.

If this happened in my situation, I would politely watch the video with others (as I really wouldn't want to share any of my insecurities with others) and then hope that would be the end of it.

If you then sprung it on me that you'd gone ahead and ordered your own copies I would be devastated.

There are pictures on my DP's phone (of me) that I hate but he really likes. He thinks I'm being 'ridiculous' as they are 'lovely', but also doesn't show them around to others as he respects me. We chose the couples photos/videos of us together that we are happy to share with the world.

It is the parent's son's wedding, but foremost it is the wedding of the bride and groom. The parents are secondary to that. There is no obligation for the couple to share anything with anyone else and they are quite entitled to keep the copy private.

I think it was really disrespectful to make an additional copy considering the upset the first copy has caused, and it would have been much nicer if just the OP or OP's mum had a polite coffee with the SIL to discuss instead. A simple, 'I'm sorry about the video, you looked so beautiful in it' might get you a lot further than going behind the SIL back and undermining her.

LagunaBubbles · 12/07/2017 12:49

Their own son thinks his wife is wrong and has told his parents to keep a copy.

redfairy · 12/07/2017 12:52

I think your SIL just has different boundaries to you and your parents. DB is obviously trying to keep the peace between both parties by suggesting the video copy on the quiet. It can be hard to figure out a person who doesn't see family relationships evolving in the same way you would wish but you do have to respect her wishes. She's just not that into you!

WonderLime · 12/07/2017 12:52

Their own son thinks his wife is wrong and has told his parents to keep a copy.

Regardless of who you think is right, it's not really a great start to the marriage then, is it?

DecoRules · 12/07/2017 12:53

She sounds very controlling. I imagine your DB will get fed up with her attitude fairly soon and it will cease to be a problem when he leaves her.

HazelBite · 12/07/2017 12:55

I think the SIL is just a bit unsociable and is naturally cautious about in laws and is suspicious of them, their motives etc.
You do not know what her upbringing has been like what childhood experiences have moulded her character.
Your family whilst perfectly normal and nice might behave/think in a way perfectly alien to her.

I have 4 adult sons. Ds1's wife says that DH and I are far removed from what her parents are like, she has taken time to get to know us and we all love one another now
Ds2 had a serious girlfriend, he gave up his job to move in with her in her parents town, before him moving he spent Xmas with them, came home early saying they had split because he really could not stand her family that because she was so close to them, would, for him, spoil their lives.

What I'm saying is she is effectively a stranger, who knows what has moulded her opinions/ideas just take it slowly, give her time, be nice if your DB has chosen her she is probably a very nice person just give her time to get used to you.

EdmundCleverClogs · 12/07/2017 12:55

Their own son thinks his wife is wrong and has told his parents to keep a copy.

Yeah, great way to start a marriage isn't it, going behind your insecure wife's back over a DVD. It's a fantastic way to cause strife between your new family and your parents.

EdmundCleverClogs · 12/07/2017 12:56

X-post WonderLime

Fl0ellafunbags · 12/07/2017 12:56

They'll be separated by next Easter.

AnnPerkins · 12/07/2017 12:58

I didn't think it sounded like 'bridges burnt' until you said your parents have now got a copy of the dvd on the quiet, with your brother's encouragement

Why does it matter so much that she doesn't want other people having a copy? It's their day, they got the dvd so they could watch it. Why can't you and your parents just accept it and move on?

Things do sound generally awkward between your SiL and the rest of you. Given time she might learn to relax a bit more, but you're all going the right way about putting her off you all forever. She's not going to trust any of you again if she finds out you've all colluded behind her back about this. Not even her husband sadly.

Pengggwn · 12/07/2017 12:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BertrandRussell · 12/07/2017 13:04

Well, considering that a) it is usual for people who want them to have copies of wedding videos b) they had just been given details of how to get the wedding photos they want and c) they had just watched the video, they asked, and were told, who made it, it would be a perfectly reasonable assumption that they were going to buy a copy.

WonderLime · 12/07/2017 13:08

BertrandRussell if anyone asked me who was the photographer/videographer, I would assume they are making polite chit chat, not that they were planning to buy anything.

If I was the parents, I would have simply asked the couple after watching if I could have a copy (and then any issues with it would have been made clear at that point). Seems pretty strange to not actually ask and then go behind their back and order a copy, doesn't it?

Pengggwn · 12/07/2017 13:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WonderLime · 12/07/2017 13:12

I assume they asked for copies for the photos after all (and where therefore told where to get copies). Why wouldn't they ask for the video?

BertrandRussell · 12/07/2017 13:14

Fair enough. They are PIL. They are obviously in the wrong about everything.

As I said, when I murder my MIL I hope I have you lot on the jury.

quartofquakingquills · 12/07/2017 13:16

If the parents have made/will make a surreptitious copy before returning it then it would be wrong for them to ask for their money back as well, surely?

histinyhandsarefrozen · 12/07/2017 13:18

As I said, when I murder my MIL I hope I have you lot on the jury.

I expect it is the same crowd who are all: AIBU to not introduce new baby to anyone on DH's side of the family for a few weeks?
YANBU, I waited longer. Your family is only you, DH and baby now, not all those horrible hangers-on.

EdmundCleverClogs · 12/07/2017 13:19

Fair enough. They are PIL. They are obviously in the wrong about everything.

No, they are wrong about the way they are going about this. Yes it's their son, yes they want pictures and video from their day, but going behind his wife's back even after she has said no isn't an ok thing to do. They need to respect their son's marriage (as does he by the sounds of it), I think it's unlikely his wife is asking this purely to be horrible to 'evil parent in laws'. This is the issue with having such little information though, it's difficult to distinguish if she's just being a bitch (no history to suggest it) or if there's something else going on.

Mrsfrumble · 12/07/2017 13:24

As I said, when I murder my MIL I hope I have you lot on the jury.

Mrsfrumble · 12/07/2017 13:27

D'you think if the sexes of OP's sibling and their new spouse were reversed, replies would be leaning towards "BIL is clearly an introvert with self-esteem issues and you should back off" or "he's controlling, this is a red flag and your sister should run for the hills"?

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