Brothers wife, bridges burnt. What do we do?!

[tallulahturtle]

Ok.

My brother got married last autumn and all seemed well. Had a few sketchy moments leading up to wedding where my parents were offering to pay for bits and bobs here and there and the bride seemed to take offence. Wedding happened and all fine, then my parents gently enquiry about wedding photos as they would really like to choose a few to have put in a frame. Months and months go by where my brother and his Mrs say "they are not ready yet". Eventually my brother says they are ready and this is the photographers contact details. So they order some and all fine.
The wedding video......my parents go visit my brother and Mrs and they show them the video, parents casually ask who did it. My brother tells them.

My parents ordered a copy ( they have a copy of my wedding video so thought it would be nice to have my brothers wedding too).

Last weekend on a visit they casually mention that they have got a copy.

Brothers wife goes from friendly to hostile rapidly. Goes very quiet. Parents mention it to me, I say " you are being over sensitive, she much have just been tired perhaps"

Yesterday brother phones to say please don't show anyone else the DVD.

Again phones this morning to say "please return the dvds to us as she is freaking out about it"

Ok must say, we have watched them and there is no dodgy sex scene. It's just a regular wedding video.

My parents as am I , are worried that we can never repair this. They have agreed to send the dvd to her and essentially lose £50 , but we just wonder what the hell we did wrong. Had no idea she was so sensitive about these things. Personally I would feel happy if my parents in law wanted a copy of the wedding video. At least it meant they gave a shit about me.

Anyways just looking for opinions on the whole situation as my parents have always felt her standoffish as she seems to be friendly for the first hour of a visit (we only visit every 4 months or so for half a day to go for a pub lunch for example) , then she goes all quiet as if she has had enough.

I may sound biased but my parents are not controlling or over bearing. They are just simply interested and care about them.

Just wish she could realise it. If anyone has any ideas as to how to mend this rift or even an idea of what her issue might be so we can be better prepared in future. My parents are approaching their 70s so just want everyone to be happy, life is way too short.

I think this is down to your brother. He told your parents how and where to get a copy when they asked, he chat be so stupid he thought they were just asking all the little details for fun. That's probably why he's told them to keep a copy, he knows this comes down to him making that mistake or assumption.

To keep the peace he's suggesting the video is returned and a copy made. Effectively keeping the peace in his eyes but really doing no such thing.

The SIL sounds like an awful controlling person. Unfortunately there isn't much you can do but try and keep up contact with your brother.

Your parents don't sound like they have done anything wrong at all.

Thinking about it I think I acted like her a bit in the past.

In my defence I had a lone parent who didn't have good social skills. The other one wasn't there for a weird reason. One side of my family were complete fucked up bitter twats so I don't have strong family binds. I have no idea where my cousins live or what they do.

I think I could come off like this but not now. Older and had to become far more sociable for kid reasons. Also, I think I have been depressed for years but it wasn't until it was crippling that I got treatment. These days I am still an introvert but a sociable one!

My sil is like this. She had a difficult childhood. She isn't the only one.

My mother and stepdad gave my brother and her a large chunk of money for their wedding. Apparently they spent the excess on their honeymoon. Sil decided she didn't like the photographers they paid to come (using said money) and therefore wouldn't be giving the photographers any of the money my family had given them for photos. She forbade my brother from giving my mother/stepdad the contact details of the photographers so they could buy their own and have an official record of the wedding.

My mother therefore only has a handful of snaps of her beloved golden child son. (I've just realised the irony HA! She has a whole album of her scapegoat daughter). Tbh I think the reason she didn't get the photos is because she didn't like how she looked. Despite having over £10k to spend, she got a dress in the sale for around £100 and did her hair, flowers and makeup herself. I also think she didn't like that the photographers flirted with some of the female guests, including me and I imagine she was jealous of being upstaged. They were a bit carry on film cheeky but nothing sinister.

I have had a lot of therapy for my childhood abuse. My therapist informed me she sounds like a psychopath. I am afraid of her. I never argue with her. I never have a cross word with her. She is like a cat playing with a mouse. The thought of her sends chills down my spine.

I'm not saying your sil is like this. Just to give you another take.

If it were me, I could put up with this if my brother sat us all down and said "look, these are her issues, I know it makes things difficult sometimes, but these are the things that set her off and I appreciate your help and patience managing it."

She's not a misbehaving spaniel, she's the woman he has just married!

OP, your SIL sounds rather like my SIL (DH's brother's wife). In the case of my SIL/ILs, I see both sides.

SIL is a retiring middle-class introvert from another country, who has married into a large, extrovert, talkative, party-minded working-class clan. Both parties mean very well, but continually misunderstand one another.

My ILs are deeply involved in one another's lives, live close to one another, talk about 'private' things, see one another all the time, and like nothing better than getting together for a massive takeaway and cards session at which everyone teases one another mercilessly.

SIL if she's visiting (she and BIL live in another country, as so DH and I) is exhausted after half an hour of this, the decibel level freaks her out, she finds some of the accents difficult to understand, is upset by the banter (though not directed at her -- she once got very upset when her DH was being teased by his brother about his hair receding), and can't understand why PILs idea of hospitality is to turn the radiators up, shout questions, and offer her vast amounts of food every ten minutes.

My ILs, on the other hand, can't understand why she visibly hates every second, picks at her food, answers in monosyllables, and goes to bed at the earliest possible moment, why she and BIL didn't have any guests at their wedding, why they don't visit more often, and find her snobbish, stand-offish and no fun (and also blame her for the fact that BIL, a former wild child, is now a bit of a dullard.)

I'm very fond of my ILs, but it certainly took me a while to get used to their massive levels of interaction, the sheer noise of their gatherings, and the fact that they are not very good at imagining other ways of being. No one is at fault, exactly.

OP, is it possible something similar is the case with your SIL? I agree with pps that the mot obvious explanation for the wedding video thing is that she hated how she looked, or wasn't happy with how the day went, and doesn't want reminders in circulation. I don't think that's wildly unusual, tbh.

"I had no idea it was even possible to request a copy of someone else's wedding video. Weird"

Not wierd at all. Professional photographers put their pictures on a password protected website and the person who commissioned the pictures gives the password to whoever they want to so they can choose and buy. Perfectly normal.

This is off the wall I know but:

(a) ask her what's wrong
(b) insist your brother explains and stops pretending
(c) don't get another copy done - I think parents should have one, but bride is unhappy so for the time being DO NOT GET ANOTHER COPY DONE!!!

and then (d) ask her what is wrong.
HTH.

Why don't your family just keep covertly doing things she doesn't want done, behind her back, because it's not what you all agree with, see how it goes. Seems your brothers being expected to put her second to his parents over this. She might be or have any number of issues, but a husband who says yeah don't listen to her just do x secretly behind her back. That's gonna really help matters.

I have a copy of my sisters wedding video. I watch it every now and then. I had a copy made because it is the only video footage of my beloved Grandfather, who died two years after the wedding. Sure we have plenty of photos of him, but in the video we can hear his voice, his laugh, watch him dancing at the evening disco. It is a really precious video, and thankfully my sister doesn't give a hoot that I have a copy. Sorry to all those who think it is weird to have a copy of a wedding if it is not yours. I never saw it as weird but I feel slightly odd about it after reading this thread, don't know why

I find it all rather sad that a lot people on here believe that you stop being a parent and being part of your child's life as they have turned 18. Your child gets married and you are wrong to want a few photos and a copy of the film
It is simple op she doesn't like

But what MrsPear - what doesn't she like?! that's what we all need to know!!

SIL sounds rude, self centred and controlling. Even if she is introverted, that's no reason for this behaviour. None of the introverts I know behave like this.

Your parents were foolish to give into the demand about handing over the video. Now SIL will think she can bully her way into getting anything else she wants.

It's perfectly normal for parents to want photos and/or a video of their own child's wedding. I'd be more concerned at parents that didn't. It's hardly "private" when most/all of the stuff in the video have already been witnessed by the people at the wedding.

If a man wants his parents to have copies of his wedding video and/or photos then he's fully entitled to have that. The parents shouldn't have to organise their own copy either, as the B&G should provide one (unless costs are beyond prohibitive, but in that case, they should let the parents buy a copy themselves if they wish).

my husband who took some photos and she remarked to a guest "I wish guests would not take photos, we have hired a professional"

SIL really needs to get over herself. So SIL thinks guests should fork out the usual exorbitant prices that professional photographers charge? Aside from my own childrens' future weddings, I have zero interest in buying the professional versions of anyone's wedding. In this particular case, it doesn't seem as though SIL is exactly forthcoming with the professional pics anyway.

If SIL is/was so uptight about having photos taken she should've got married in secret without any guests or fanfare.

I'm an introvert who hates photographs and videos of myself. But I'm also an adult who understands that the world does not revolve around me, and that I may cringe at my goofy wedding photos but for my parents and inlaws they are precious mementos of a special day.

And in what world is spending 2 or 3 hours in your child's company every 4 months "overbearing"??

I find it all rather sad that a lot people on here believe that you stop being a parent and being part of your child's life as they have turned 18. Your child gets married and you are wrong to want a few photos and a copy of the film

Agreed. That attitude is beyond ridiculous.

Lonecrone I think your description of your family dynamic is very interesting. If only we were all more tolerant and accepting of the different ways that people interact with each other. I used to be pretty bad at this sort of stuff myself but i like to think i've improved with age!

Perhaps she despises the way she looks in it and is mortified by the thing. It all sounds good in theory having a video but if you hate the way you look then its not very nice for some people. That might be a hang up but it is a very personal one.

If you care about her then respect her personal image and return it, then dont make a fuss. Nothing more to it than that.

Its not your wedding, its not your image. If you put a pic of someone else on facebook and they were embarrassed or hated it then you would take it down - so this is the same thing.

some people just hate the way they look, and shouldnt have to admit that is why they are sensitive about photos etc.

Its obvious that they didnt think your parents would go off and buy the video without reference to them. they did not do anything wrong by doing so, but it has upset the bride so the right thing to do is return it.

End of.

Sorry, OP, but how about your family, including your brother, supporting your brother's marriage instead of labelling your SIL as a nutjob because she wants to keep their wedding video private?

Your DP's behaviour would have seemed bossy and entitled to me as it has to some others here. I hope you can look on SIL as a person in her own right rather than just an extension of DB. She is not obliged to share everything including herself with you, although you are finding that hard to understand.

I'm sorry to say (makes me sound awful!) but I could actually be the SIL in this!

My PIL are like your parents, come across friendly, but when you are with them it's just over bearing! Constant questioning, and visits just generally take all my energy, even though they wouldn't realise!

I arrive to visits feeling very guarded, as I sometimes feel like I am being interrogated! I then come out of my shell, then by the end of the visit I am quiet because it has exhausted me!

Your parents didn't ask before getting the video - this is exactly what my PIL would do, and it would feel like an invasion of privacy and 'going behind my back' to gain that video without first asking us. What would have been the harm in asking first? Maybe SIL wasn't happy because her parents hadn't had a copy, and she wanted it to be fair?

And to go behind her back and get it anyway - again exactly what my PIL would do! What will this do for the trust/relationship between them? IMO it's out of order.

I'm with DramaInPyjamas I'm afraid.

Now SIL will think she can bully her way into getting anything else she wants.

The genuinely surprising thing about this thread is the number of posters who clearly have met and know the SIL.

Sorry to say this, but be prepared for this marriage to not last very long. Part of being in a happy relationship is the ability to get along with each other's family or supporting each other and showing loyalty when that isn't possible.

The genuinely surprising thing about this thread is the number of posters who clearly have met and know the SIL.

That did make me laugh

I don't normally comment on stuff like this but I can imagine myself behaving how SIL is said to have behaved. I wish more people could see that her behaviour isn't necessarily the sign of a controlling, unhinged Bridezilla, but possibly the sign of someone who is just private and reserved. Clearly no-one except OP is in a position to find out.

I have lovely in laws (married for over 20 yrs), but I still find them hard work when we get together, which isn't often due to distance etc. We see PIL and SIL (plus her DH and kids) at same time and usually meet up for lunch. However, I'm quite quiet/private and my ILs are not. Also they are all very close as they all live within 2 miles of each other and are in touch daily. I always (even after all these years) feel a bit of an outsider. It's no ones fault, we're all just different and I do make a huge effort to help the meal go well, but I find it hard work. This doesn't explain the DVD business but perhaps your SIL feels a bit overwhelmed by your family - I know you don't think you're overbearing but perhaps she feels you are. I'd second the idea of just you meeting her for a coffee which might be easier for her to deal with at first. I think it's worth making the effort (even if you feel you shouldn't have to) because happy ILs make all the difference.

But Kimmy it's just about the bride, is it? The OP's parents want pictures and a video of their son getting married. And would want those pictures regardless of who he was marrying, whether the person was female or male, goddess or troll.

OP's brother is happy for his parents to have the photos and video. If the SIL hates her appearance to the extent that she's willing to damage her relationship with her new husband's family (and possibly his relationship too, if he's tasked with relaying her odd demands) them maybe she needs some professional help.

... and of course I don't know the SIL! I'm only responding to the possible explanations for her behavior on this thread.

I feel like I've entered the Twilight Zone reading some of these replies. Parents spend years taking photos and sometime filming their kids at events. Although I don't watch them often, I was looking through a few of my DDs ( 18 and 20) yesterday. As they get older you do take a step back, but wedding photos and a copy of the video doesn't seem to be over-involved.
Also 6 people getting once every few months for lunch in a pub for a couple of hours- it's desperately sad if that's overbearing and too much contact.
SIL sounds unreasonable and controlling.