Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Brothers wife, bridges burnt. What do we do?!

575 replies

tallulahturtle · 11/07/2017 23:59

Ok.

My brother got married last autumn and all seemed well. Had a few sketchy moments leading up to wedding where my parents were offering to pay for bits and bobs here and there and the bride seemed to take offence. Wedding happened and all fine, then my parents gently enquiry about wedding photos as they would really like to choose a few to have put in a frame. Months and months go by where my brother and his Mrs say "they are not ready yet". Eventually my brother says they are ready and this is the photographers contact details. So they order some and all fine.
The wedding video......my parents go visit my brother and Mrs and they show them the video, parents casually ask who did it. My brother tells them.

My parents ordered a copy ( they have a copy of my wedding video so thought it would be nice to have my brothers wedding too).

Last weekend on a visit they casually mention that they have got a copy.

Brothers wife goes from friendly to hostile rapidly. Goes very quiet. Parents mention it to me, I say " you are being over sensitive, she much have just been tired perhaps"

Yesterday brother phones to say please don't show anyone else the DVD.

Again phones this morning to say "please return the dvds to us as she is freaking out about it"

Ok must say, we have watched them and there is no dodgy sex scene. It's just a regular wedding video.

My parents as am I , are worried that we can never repair this. They have agreed to send the dvd to her and essentially lose £50 , but we just wonder what the hell we did wrong. Had no idea she was so sensitive about these things. Personally I would feel happy if my parents in law wanted a copy of the wedding video. At least it meant they gave a shit about me.

Anyways just looking for opinions on the whole situation as my parents have always felt her standoffish as she seems to be friendly for the first hour of a visit (we only visit every 4 months or so for half a day to go for a pub lunch for example) , then she goes all quiet as if she has had enough.

I may sound biased but my parents are not controlling or over bearing. They are just simply interested and care about them.

Just wish she could realise it. If anyone has any ideas as to how to mend this rift or even an idea of what her issue might be so we can be better prepared in future. My parents are approaching their 70s so just want everyone to be happy, life is way too short.

OP posts:
DramaInPyjamas · 13/07/2017 06:54

"Drama, No need to try turn this into a personal attack"

^^

your SIL has been called selfish, bat shit loon, abuser (and much more) and you've nodded along in agreement. If you can't take it, don't dish it or encourage it.

[Nobody shouldn't be able to post on AIBU without the other party being invited to come along and share their side of the story!!]

Squishedstrawberry4 · 13/07/2017 06:54

Lastly you clearly are trying to devide and conquer in order to cement her as an disfunctional outsider. HOWEVER you will fail long term. If you continue to behave like this eventually you will loose your brother completely. His first commitment is to his wife now and your families unkindness will eventually back fire on you

RedHelenB · 13/07/2017 07:01

My advice- dont pander and return the DVD.

Donttouchthethings · 13/07/2017 10:49

OP, my advice to you would be to try to put yourself in the position of someone who is new to the family and is therefore, inevitably, a bit different and less comfortable with all your family ways.

Maybe she'd already discussed the video with her husband and thought they'd come to an agreement about it? Maybe he wasn't listening / forgot / got carried away / didn't give a shit..? Who knows? Perhaps she was 'upset but keeping a lid on it' (rather than zoned out) when he told your folks about the videographer/video, but didn't want to have that conversation with him in front of other people?

Whatever's gone on, if he's telling you all that she's being ridiculous, he is clearly being disrespectful and disloyal to her. IOW, to use that well-worn MN phrase, "She has a husband problem".

I really don't know why this has necessitated so many phonecalls between you all and tbh, I don't know why you're so involved - it sounds like a lot of drama. If I was the sil here, I would be mortified.

I also think that secretly re-ordering the video, when you know she's already upset about this, is inappropriate, entitled and a recipe for disaster. This is HER wedding, not yours or your parents. Be grateful you were all invited and had a nice day. There are clear boundary issues here.

As for the swimming...

You stripped off (albeit in shorts and a bikini top) in front of your husband, dad and brother so you were understandably relaxed and comfortable. You must realise that her position here was very different.

(I can empathise with her because of my own experiences. My fil & bil have both been known to make sexualised comments in my direction - comments they wouldn't dream of making about their daughter/sister/nieces etc. I'm far from body-confident anyway so, believe me, going swimming with them is the LAST thing I would be comfortable doing. My in-laws are apparently completely oblivious to this and have repeatedly invited me to go swimming with them. To me, it's obvious. To them, it's not.)

Now, it could well be that your sil is bat shit crazy. I can't possibly know. I'm assuming here that she's just a normal, probably insecure, woman, doing her best. If you want to help, I would advise your mum to apologise and I would tell off your brother for saying his wife's being ridiculous - he needs to have her back or their days are numbered. Start assuming that your sil is normal and that her feelings and wishes are worth respecting. Be her friend.

AvocadoHand · 13/07/2017 11:13

Bloody well put, Donttouch

Myperfectlittlefamily · 13/07/2017 11:24

In my experience i can see if from the brides POV. My inlaws insisted on copies of every picture from our wedding and a copy of the video that the photographer made especially for me and my husband. It has made me very uncomfortable.there are some hideous pictures included and the video was personal to us. My MIL is now saying she is printing and sending copies of the pictures she wants to all of their family which horrifies me. This is a woman who also took half my wedding cake with her and posted to all her family....

user1489434024 · 13/07/2017 11:25

OP it was me talking about stripping off for a swim

I wasn't 'ranting' and I can absolutely assure you and definitely not 'fixated' on your bikini bod. Get over yourself.

From your response, I'm now certain my opinion of you is correct. Hope your SIL finds a way to deal with you and put up with you all. You sound awful and she needs a medal to have done it for this long.

WowWowDouble · 13/07/2017 15:14

I literally can't understand some of the responses. I often disagree with other posters on Mumsnet but I usually can u deter and their point of view but with this thread I'm failing to see how the OP has done anything wrong let alone been 'awful'.

Maybe it's because I'm going on the information given in the thread rather than trying to fill in the blanks with made up details.

RedHelenB · 13/07/2017 15:20

If the DVD was private surely they should have let the cine man know?

savagehk · 13/07/2017 15:40

I've not read the whole thread, sorry, but if I was her I'd have called the videographers and told them not to sell any more to anyone! At which point your parents may be found out.

I had a video of our wedding but Mr savage hates himself on film/camera so the video was only permitted on grounds I'd never show it to anyone else. However, both sets of parents knew this in advance.

supermoon100 · 13/07/2017 15:45

Sil sounds a bit bonkers! What's the point in having a video made if no-one can look at it. I'm a bit confused tbh

HipsterHunter · 13/07/2017 16:09

You stripped off (albeit in shorts and a bikini top) in front of your husband, dad and brother so you were understandably relaxed and comfortable

I don;t see wearing swimming attire as "stripping off" in the sense that it is something to be embarrassed about and something you don't do in front of family members of the opposite sex or your SiL.

She sounds batshit.

2rebecca · 13/07/2017 17:07

I don't think the OP did anything wrong in going for a swim on the beach. She doesn't even know that's the reason her SIL was then a bit distant, it may have been something unconnected with the beach swim.
There seems to be a lot of extrapolating going on here. The SIL wasn't happy after her MIL told her she'd got a copy of the DVD and over reacted demanding it back.
Odd behaviour but no-one's behaviour seems that bizarre and there seems to be a lot of over reacting and second guessing going on.
I'd disengage from it all and just visit your brother and his wife without your parents and don't worry about whether she's quieter than you think she should be. behave in a relaxed normal way.
Don't mention DVDs and photos.

cherrybath · 13/07/2017 17:36

She sounds like a nut case.

Hanab · 13/07/2017 17:37

So many people would give so much to have caring in laws ... what's the harm in a wedding video? Uffff some people make my blood boil!

Turquoise123 · 13/07/2017 17:38

why not just ask your Brother what the issue is rather than guess ?

user1498983411 · 13/07/2017 17:40

Your sister in law is obviously as mad as a March hare, I think you should be worried about your brother who is so scared of his new wife that he thinks it ok to upset his ageing parents. I would phone him at work and ask him if she is a phychopath, and is he a battered husband!!

Eggandchipsfortea93 · 13/07/2017 17:42

If the DVD was private surely they should have let the cine man know?
This ^.
Wedding videos are generally not private, if they wanted to avoid people seeing it, they should have:
Not shown it to you parents, how can you show something then be angry if people watch it
Told the man who did it not to sell any copies.

Its completely their fault, and no one should be apologising for not knowing about their weird, secret rule that they hadn't shared. If this was common, the video man would have told the parent to go thru the bride and groom, but its not normal, and no one could possibly have guessed their crazy rule!

Kintan · 13/07/2017 17:44

A close family member was engaged to someone who behaved in a manner similar to your SiL. It later transpired that she had lied to him about a number of things including actually being many years older than she'd told him. I wonder if your SiL has something to hide therefore does not want to get close the family etc. This may not be the case though, just what sprang to my mind

clarkl2 · 13/07/2017 17:46

Did the bride look MASSIVE😂

user1495656648 · 13/07/2017 17:49

id be pissed off aswell. parents went behind back to get a copy of the video end of. plus it might be very personal to the bride and groom, they might of intended the video to be for their eyes only or wanted time to re-live the day before they announce the dvd premier to the rest of the family. each to their own for their reasons why but if your parents had asked in the first place they'd of known

asprinklingofsugar · 13/07/2017 17:52

So your brother told your parents to order another video and has now desperately been trying to smooth things over with them- yes, maybe he is being disloyal to his wife, but it does suggest that he wants his parents to have a copy. Shouldn't his feelings on the matter also be taken into account? I'm just wondering how he feels about all this- although it is difficult to join a new family, that doesn't necessarily mean that sil's feeling should take complete priority over his.

bbismad · 13/07/2017 17:52

My husband's sister would say the same about parents: they're not controlling or overbearing. And you could take one solitary issue and they wouldnt seem controlling and over bearing but they fact is, they are. People don't just explode like that for no reason... ask why she's so upset, they're your parents, you love them but that might have been a final straw moment for her...

Pilgit · 13/07/2017 17:52

She sounds like she has massive anxiety issues and a dose of compassion wouldn't go amiss. Your brother isn't handling it very well and needs to have her back. Anxiety makes perfectly normal people do weird things. Can we all step back and consider that please?

mummypeepee · 13/07/2017 17:58

My sil is like this with my mum it drives me insane. No reason for it at all

Swipe left for the next trending thread