Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Brothers wife, bridges burnt. What do we do?!

575 replies

tallulahturtle · 11/07/2017 23:59

Ok.

My brother got married last autumn and all seemed well. Had a few sketchy moments leading up to wedding where my parents were offering to pay for bits and bobs here and there and the bride seemed to take offence. Wedding happened and all fine, then my parents gently enquiry about wedding photos as they would really like to choose a few to have put in a frame. Months and months go by where my brother and his Mrs say "they are not ready yet". Eventually my brother says they are ready and this is the photographers contact details. So they order some and all fine.
The wedding video......my parents go visit my brother and Mrs and they show them the video, parents casually ask who did it. My brother tells them.

My parents ordered a copy ( they have a copy of my wedding video so thought it would be nice to have my brothers wedding too).

Last weekend on a visit they casually mention that they have got a copy.

Brothers wife goes from friendly to hostile rapidly. Goes very quiet. Parents mention it to me, I say " you are being over sensitive, she much have just been tired perhaps"

Yesterday brother phones to say please don't show anyone else the DVD.

Again phones this morning to say "please return the dvds to us as she is freaking out about it"

Ok must say, we have watched them and there is no dodgy sex scene. It's just a regular wedding video.

My parents as am I , are worried that we can never repair this. They have agreed to send the dvd to her and essentially lose £50 , but we just wonder what the hell we did wrong. Had no idea she was so sensitive about these things. Personally I would feel happy if my parents in law wanted a copy of the wedding video. At least it meant they gave a shit about me.

Anyways just looking for opinions on the whole situation as my parents have always felt her standoffish as she seems to be friendly for the first hour of a visit (we only visit every 4 months or so for half a day to go for a pub lunch for example) , then she goes all quiet as if she has had enough.

I may sound biased but my parents are not controlling or over bearing. They are just simply interested and care about them.

Just wish she could realise it. If anyone has any ideas as to how to mend this rift or even an idea of what her issue might be so we can be better prepared in future. My parents are approaching their 70s so just want everyone to be happy, life is way too short.

OP posts:
Original poster
tallulahturtle · 12/07/2017 22:13

Why ginger? You are being slightly creepy?

OP posts:
Original poster
tallulahturtle · 12/07/2017 22:15

And whoever was ranting about me stripping off for a swim. I wasn't naked. I stripped to a bikini top and kept my shorts on on a beach full of other people doing the same. Not sure why you are fixated on it. Was not looking for her to perve but she literally fled to the car.

OP posts:
WhiteMane · 12/07/2017 22:16

You dhould tell your brother not to disrespect his wife by calling her rediculous behind her back and dismissing her feelings.

You should tell your parents under no circumstances should they make a copy of the dvd.

It doesn't matter what her actual reasons are for not feeling comfortable with them having a copy of the dvd if you want to build bridges you put that aside and respect her feelings now.

kittensinmydinner1 · 12/07/2017 22:17

Not at all. Just an example that sometimes someone who comes across as a 'quiet introvert' MAY have a completely different agenda.

The point that it was equally his wedding and his right to let whoever he wants to have the video - still stands. Brides don't get some sort of default veto.

AvocadoHand · 12/07/2017 22:24

OP - in that case it sounds like she was worried she might be expected to join in.

kittensinmydinner1 · 12/07/2017 22:24

And what about the Grooms wishes whitemane ? He has made it quite clear he wants his parents to have a copy. Are his wishes to be over ridden ? Are they less valid ?

AvocadoHand · 12/07/2017 22:24

OP - in that case it sounds like she was worried she might be expected to join in.

WhiteMane · 12/07/2017 22:25

Both parties in the relationship need to be comfortable with the decision to share something personal like wedding dvd. He doesn't get to over ride her wishes because it's his wedding too.

Same way if she's not comfortable having guests all weekend then you don't or if she's not comfortable having sex they don't & so on. Within a couple if a compromise can't be reached the party saying no gets priority.

WhiteMane · 12/07/2017 22:28

However the op was asking what she can do to build bridges- so see my first post. It isn't about what's right or fair or so on, if the question is what will build bridges that is it. If the question is what will create life long feuds ignore building bridges advice.

Storminateapot · 12/07/2017 22:36

The party saying no gets priority?

This is how abusive relationships start.

nodogsinthebedroom · 12/07/2017 22:46

Just leave it! Let it be forgotten. Don't sneak off and get another bloody video. Don't bring it up. Don't try and find out what her issues are. Just pretend it didn't happen and get to know her properly, with an open mind. If that's hard, remember that she's making your brother happy (just go with that). Until the day comes when your brother's marriage breaks down, find a way to like her. Look for the good bits, not the bad ones

Totally agree with the above. Yes, she may be a little odd. So fuck. Does it really matter? Stop the drama and just be nice.

DramaInPyjamas · 12/07/2017 22:49

"Why ginger? You are being slightly creepy?"

^^
It's called a joke

Overbearing, melodramatic AND humourless..
She runs a mile at your jolly beach japes..
and zones out during family conversations

Why won't you even consider that the problem might be that she feels pressured around your family and that you all annoy or bore her?

It does sound like she's been keeping it in so long and she's ready to just snap.
But hey, That'll give you something else to come on MN and slag her off about.

BertrandRussell · 12/07/2017 22:54

Actually, if she is being made miserable by how she thinks she looks on the video, then yes, I do think they should have "disappeared" it. But because they didn't, I do think the pil are owed some sort of explanation......"She hates it and doesn't want anyone to see it" would be fine..."

2rebecca · 12/07/2017 22:55

I'm not gettingwhy YOU feel you have to phone and apologise. Surely the disagreement is between your parents and your SIL. You sound overinvolved here. You didn't go and get a video, I'm not sure why you think you have a problem with her. You seem to be turning your mother's problems in to your problems by you saying "we" can never repair this when I'm not sure what YOU have actually done. Your mum maybe needs to have a chat to your brother about this but I wonder if you are over thinking things and a bit overenmeshed with your mother if you take all her problems on as well as your own.

Whileweareonthesubject · 12/07/2017 23:15

I feel for ops dps here. All they've done is to want some pictures and DVD of their son's wedding. There will be other people on there who are special to them and they may like to have the DVD if those people for the future. I wish that videos had been more widely available when I married. I'd love to have a 'live'record of my man, my DF and DSD, DFIL and a couple of close friends who sadly died too young. To see those people enjoying themselves at my wedding would be wonderful - we have a lovely album of photos, but videos were just far too much for us in the early 80's. And some of my favourite pics are the ones given to me by friends and family who took them.
For those who think SIL is entitled to stop others buying copies because she commissioned it, I think you'll find that copyright and intellectual property rights belong to the photographer and it's up to him whether he sells it, displays it in his window or website etc.

smurfit · 12/07/2017 23:15

Your parents need to call her directly instead of going through your brother. He's clearly playing peacemaker and trying to appease both sides which is going to make things worse... there's a lot of stories where the SO won't stand up for their partner against their parents, maybe this is her hill to die on. I suggest a genuine attempt by your parents to find out why it's such a problem and to work with her to find a solution.

The lack of 'full story' isn't your fault OP because the rest of it needs to come from her. It's quite possible she's controlling and crazy... but maybe she doesn't perceive you and your family aren't as welcoming as you really think you're being.

user1499333856 · 12/07/2017 23:26

What if the Bride never really wanted the video in the first place?

What if she was pressured in to it and hates the whole thing?

Madwoman5 · 12/07/2017 23:38

Introvert or not she is being precious. It was a wedding. People take pictures. Parents want photos and videos. Your db made the mistake not your parents. If she wants to pay them for the dvd they bought in good faith then fine, have the bloody thing (burn a copy first though!) but my view is your db should grow a pair and tell her she is being very childish. This is his parents not some random stranger fgs.

Original poster
tallulahturtle · 12/07/2017 23:39

I've got a sense of humour thanks drama. No need to try turn this into a personal attack. Had just wondered why it matters who I am.

Maybe we do all annoy and bore her, fair enough but if I ever get annoyed or bored by my inlaws or other relatives I will always remain polite and pleasant, not go all quiet and zone out on them.

She wanted the video done, no one pressured her.

OP posts:
Original poster
tallulahturtle · 12/07/2017 23:42

Right I'm going to bed. Thank you for all your comments. The helpful, the insightful, the supportive and the downright bizarre and entertaining :) that's what's good about mumsnet it's a proper cross section of people and views.

OP posts:
StaplesCorner · 12/07/2017 23:43

So you're not going to actually ask her what's wrong then Hmm

DramaInPyjamas · 12/07/2017 23:47

I was married to someone who's family liked to busy themselves with our life and struggled with being told no.
I became expert at visiting and acting civil, laugh at terrible jokes, listen to petty gossip, force myself into enjoying their kind of fun, smile and nod at their mind numbing conversation.. Etc..

I couldn't be my true self around them because all I wanted was to make my husband happy by getting on with his lot. The resentment at having to pretend to like them ate away at me and genuinely made me ill.

I've been the 'stuck up', 'moody', 'crazy' SIL and it's not nice.
You might find her hard work but I guarantee she'll be thinking the same about you

(Anyway long story, but in the end my husband was the one who snapped and cut off all contact with them (completely his choice)

emmyrose2000 · 13/07/2017 01:50

I knew someone who married a woman who resembles the SIL. No one was surprised when they eventually divorced five or so years later. (Relief, and wonder what took so long, was more like it). It's just a pity they had a child together, as this means ex-SIL/DIL will be in their lives forever, even peripherally.

OP, as for what you/your parents do now? Don't do anything. Don't pander to SIL's nonsense. Drop the rope; stop the drama. Don't apologise for the DVD. But do ask Bro/SIL for the 50 back for the other DVD. Just keep the doors of communication open with your brother in case the inevitable happens and they split up.

cambodianfoxhound · 13/07/2017 02:04

Op and family sound totally normal. You have the misfortune to have a 'difficult' personality type enter your family. I have been there. Everything is about them, how they feel, what they want - very little thought is given to how anyone else might think or feel or want. Don't pander to her or walk on eggshells around her it won't make any difference. Just continue to be yourselves and don't modify your behaviour around her.

Squishedstrawberry4 · 13/07/2017 06:46

It sounds to me like you and your family are trying to devide and conquer. It's a whitch hunt isn't it.

The underlaying problem is that you can't accept her into your family pen. Nothing to do with the video - that's just a storm in a tea cup that you've all seized onto. She's not committed a hideous crime, it's just a bloody video! Your family need to calm down and be more accepting. Every person has their quirks. Even you.

To move forward you need to accept her for who she is and be non judgemental.