Brothers wife, bridges burnt. What do we do?!

[tallulahturtle]

Ok.

My brother got married last autumn and all seemed well. Had a few sketchy moments leading up to wedding where my parents were offering to pay for bits and bobs here and there and the bride seemed to take offence. Wedding happened and all fine, then my parents gently enquiry about wedding photos as they would really like to choose a few to have put in a frame. Months and months go by where my brother and his Mrs say "they are not ready yet". Eventually my brother says they are ready and this is the photographers contact details. So they order some and all fine.
The wedding video......my parents go visit my brother and Mrs and they show them the video, parents casually ask who did it. My brother tells them.

My parents ordered a copy ( they have a copy of my wedding video so thought it would be nice to have my brothers wedding too).

Last weekend on a visit they casually mention that they have got a copy.

Brothers wife goes from friendly to hostile rapidly. Goes very quiet. Parents mention it to me, I say " you are being over sensitive, she much have just been tired perhaps"

Yesterday brother phones to say please don't show anyone else the DVD.

Again phones this morning to say "please return the dvds to us as she is freaking out about it"

Ok must say, we have watched them and there is no dodgy sex scene. It's just a regular wedding video.

My parents as am I , are worried that we can never repair this. They have agreed to send the dvd to her and essentially lose £50 , but we just wonder what the hell we did wrong. Had no idea she was so sensitive about these things. Personally I would feel happy if my parents in law wanted a copy of the wedding video. At least it meant they gave a shit about me.

Anyways just looking for opinions on the whole situation as my parents have always felt her standoffish as she seems to be friendly for the first hour of a visit (we only visit every 4 months or so for half a day to go for a pub lunch for example) , then she goes all quiet as if she has had enough.

I may sound biased but my parents are not controlling or over bearing. They are just simply interested and care about them.

Just wish she could realise it. If anyone has any ideas as to how to mend this rift or even an idea of what her issue might be so we can be better prepared in future. My parents are approaching their 70s so just want everyone to be happy, life is way too short.

They had casually asked who made the DVD and then my brother then said "why don't you get a copy from him"

We're ym parents meant to then say "are you sure you don't mind?" They felt that she was happy as she was sitting right there. She had ample time to get my brother to retract the statement. I am almost wondering if she in fact was there but not listening (that's not me being bitchy it's just as I have said after an hour or so she seems to go all quiet) perhaps she zones out?

This springs out; your parents have called several times about a wedding video.

I'm trying to think of something sufficiently dramatic and serious that would warrant several phone calls in a day from family. I'm thinking someone hospitalised seriously, that kind of thing. Something that requires updates, even then it's probably more texts for us. We are a very private family.

Creating a huge drama over a wedding video is frankly a bit Eastenders. As I said, I'm so photo averse I've never even looked at my wedding photos. Never sent them to family, none in the house (there are no photos of me in our house.)

If I'd asked people not to distribute a video of me and they had I would be really upset. Also, I mean how many times do you want to watch a wedding video? Let it go. It's just a DVD to you and she doesn't want it out there. Respect that.

How would I resolve it? I'd tell your folks to just let it lie, stop calling and stop making a fuss about it. Calling several times a day over their desire to see a video is far too dramatic

My parents are getting a copy and will keep quiet about it.

Brother says she is being ridiculous and has actually told my parents to quietly get a copy done.

Interesting that the OP was going on about SiL not being pulled up for being disrespectful to her parents yet the parents (and her DH) don't seem to respect her.

I still think that there is more that the OP doesn't know, or it may just be that the SiL is refusing to be a docile DiL.

Frankly I wish her (SiL) luck, because I think that she is going to need it

If she finds you all too full on she needs to let you know

Obviously the poster who gave the above advice has never been in such a situation in their entire life. How easy do you think it is for actually say this to one person, let alone a family who don't respect basic boundaries? The only non confrontational way is to step back from them and see them for a short amount of time infrequently which is what the OP's SIL seems to have been doing. Then when they totally overstepped the mark by ordering a DVD without asking, she tried to confront through her DH. Go through the blood relation is the advice doled out daily on these threads but this has just led to constant phone calls between the entire in law's family who obviously can't accept they are anything short of entitled to do as they want. I feel terribly sorry for the woman.

OP asked what she should do. Why the OP is going to get over involved is anyone's guess but the PIL could
send a short email apologising for upsetting her, admit they should have checked before ordering anything and agree they won't do so unless it is okay with her and sign off on a friendly note.

And then back off!

How many times would my parents want to watch it? Probably once then it will go on the cupboard for another 20 years. It goes both ways.

As I have said over and over again she was there at the time it was discussed. This is why my parents are so confused about it, they have been calling me about it as they are just baffled as to what's up as they thought she knew.

tallulahturtle

You have gone from "casually mentioned" to "discussion" which one was it?

So have your parents sent it back yet, OP?
If not, I wouldn't. I'd wait for her (her, not your brother) to contact them and ask for it, explaining her reason. She would also need to pay the £50 to them so they are not out of pocket. Then to keep the peace she could have it back.
I assume as with most professional photographers, that the copyright rests with the person who took the video, so they are entitled to sell it to whoever will pay for it. So giving it back is doing her a favour, to be fair.
In answer to OPs question about how to resolve this, though, I'd say leave it to your parents. It's them it affects. It surely doesn't need a crowd.

I can't believe the number of people jumping to OPs defence. I feel so sorry for you SIL. You all sound hugely entitled and overbearing.

Someone didn't want other people to have copies of the video. Your brother threw her under the bus because he hasn't got balls big enough to defend his new family (wife, to whom he has chosen to forsake all others for) and say 'we don't want others having copies.' He then (allegedly) told your parents to go get one anyway behind his wife's back (and they did). They arranged for and paid for the photographer. So it's up to them to make decisions and should not have to justify them.

You stripped off to have a dip in the ocean? Great. I love doing that myself (more of a fresh water person though). But she is totally and utterly allowed to disapprove, feel disgusted, look away without judgement from you and without having to justify herself. What did you want her to do? Perv at you?? Idolise you? Massage your ego?? And now you're speculating that she may have been abused as a result of her apparent distaste at your show of nudity (or?)?? Poor woman. I truly hope for your sake she doesn't read your post. I also would hazard a bet that she can pick up on your animosity and curiosity about her and for that reason struggles to engage with you all for longer than an hour.

Go wild Mumsnet, tell me how bad I am and how much of a nutter OPs SIL is (who isn't here to defend herself). But I'm telling you right now, it's a slippery slope to withheld contact of their children. Please, I urge you to look and consider it from her point of view before it's too late.

"How many times would my parents want to watch it? Probably once then it will go on the cupboard for another 20 years. It goes both ways."

^^

The wedding was less than a year ago, they have just recently viewed it with the bride and groom, and are now covertly trying to secure an unauthorised copy.

I can see them initially wanting to view it on every family visit tbh, no wonder she doesn't want everyone having their own DVD

BoneyBackJefferson

I agree - the story about the DVD has changed over each post. There is a whole back story here that we are not being told. I feel sorry for the SIL being hated and disliked so much by the family she married into.

But you won't. You won't understand where I'm coming from, or even consider that you have even 1% blame in this. Because you're classic example of the type of inlaws that many, many DILs, SILs come here to complain about 🙄

So for something they watch once they are getting wider family involved and calling multiple times a day?

Don't you think that's a bit full on, op? Are your family generally the extroverted/full on type? Having such a dramatic reaction to being told they can't get their way isn't healthy, and I'm not surprised your Sil is freaking out.

Please respect her boundaries and have a think about your family dynamics

Wildrose - please read what I wrote and quote me correctly. I said the brother knows what is wrong and needs to clarify, the SIL need say or do nothing. If the OP family are being unintentionally overbearing then they need to know this or it will never be mended. They can only fix this if they know what they did wrong. They ordered a DVD thinking DiL knew and was ok with it, a fair enough assumption since it's usual practice for parents to have a copy - they somehow got it badly wrong on her view. How can they fix this unless their son speaks up for his wife and tells them how they mis-stepped?

But hey, why let an accurate quote get in the way of your tirade?

But I'm telling you right now, it's a slippery slope to withheld contact of their children.

Yes but if that happens, the op will just be convinced that her SiL is definitely controlling and abusive.

I don't have much more to add to this thread. However, I will put a bet on now (if they don't split up within a year), that they will decide at some point to move away, possibly to where she's from. Then SiL will be truly 'the bad guy', I'm sure, taking her poor, hard done by, husband away from his caring family.

EdmundCleverClogs spot on 👌Big bad DIL/SIL. Poor, pool MIL 🙄

Poor not pool FFS

They don't have any kids yet... so all that is just (dramatic) conjecture.

s she seems to be friendly for the first hour of a visit (we only visit every 4 months or so for half a day to go for a pub lunch for example) , then she goes all quiet as if she has had enough.

Maybe she has had enough? If that's a concept the family struggle with then they are oblivious to her feelings, or to the fact that some people just don't enjoy social gatherings.

I'm sorry op, but I'm with your sil here. Will you take these points on board or just refuse to think that perhaps your family is a tad overbearing?

For what it's worth I'm very introverted and I felt really self-conscious about how I looked in the majority of my wedding photos. My MIL asked for a copy and, even though it didn't feel great, I was happy for her to have them because it was obviously a really special for her. I didn't really realize, though, that she'd intended to print off every single one and show them to anyone and everyone. It didn't upset or annoy me, but it did make me feel a bit self-conscious and uncomfortable about total strangers seeing something so personal.

I know a lot of people probably think it's precious, but it can make people feel uncomfortable to have something that is quite personal out of their hands and potentially shown around - maybe she's concerned that will happen. If your parents think it's OK to have another copy made when they know it would upset her, then she's probably right to be concerned about them not respecting boundaries regarding who she'd like to see the video if they have a copy.

I don't know. That would be my guess though. Maybe she really does just feel horribly self-concious and the thought of having a copy floating around anywhere makes her feel sick with anxiety. You won't find out by not talking to her directly though.

If you want to know how to handle it... Why doesn't your mum ring her or send her a message to the effect of:

'I'm really sorry about the misunderstanding re. the wedding video. It was a really special day for us though, and we would love to have a copy. Is there anything we could do to make you more comfortable with us having photos or videos? We are really proud of you both and you looked beautiful. Is there a specific concern you have about us having a copy? I'd love to talk to you about it if possible.'

Getting another copy sneakily is definitely not the way to fix it.

And regarding her not saying anything at the time, maybe she didn't think your parents would actually go through with getting a copy without explicitly asking her first. Maybe she felt too timid to say anything to them at the time and was hoping they wouldn't actually order a copy. Or maybe she was just zoned out and not really paying attention. Or maybe the conversation isn't being recounted clearly here.

Shit that was long, sorry .

Or maybe she feared saying no because they'd all sulk and plead with her before accusing her of being abused and unreasonable.

Has your brother actually asked her why it's a problem? Crux is, if your parents were given a reason, they might understand. Not knowing is a bit shit. What else might horribly offend her? Who knows?

"Suddenly the SiL is Satan in a skirt because she's not conforming"

But I never said that. Seriously, go back and read my posts.

It's ok to hold someone at arm's length. It doesn't mean you think they are evil. It means (in this instance at least) you don't know what will set them off, and you don't want to cause further upset. That is all.

I'm amazed at how so many people assume inlaws are at fault.

SIL sounds like a touchy cow. I'd completely ignore the sulking and moods and just carry on as normal.

FFS THIS WOMAN DIDNT MARRY HERSELF !!! As far as I'm aware that isn't yet a possibility. Therefore there was another EQUAL party to this wedding who has just as valid a right to let his parents get a copy of the video . It was discussed/casually mentioned in front of her. It doesn't matter how bloody introverted (rude) she wants to be. It's your brothers right to let him give the video to who he wants. Just as it's her right. Her 'issues' do not trump his.

If I had to make a bet she is a control freak who uses 'issues' to manipulate. Try and get your brother alone OP and find out what's going on.

My son had a 'sweet' quiet little mouse of a gf for a couple of years. He changed beyond all recognition over that time. Her emotional abuse turned physical. Only when we could see 'proof' could we confront him and help him escape. Abuse goes both ways.. but add the social taboo of men being abused by women and you have a whole extra level of horror.

kittensinmydinner1

A bit of personal projection here which is so uncalled for.