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Original poster

Brothers wife, bridges burnt. What do we do?!

575 replies

tallulahturtle · 11/07/2017 23:59

Ok.

My brother got married last autumn and all seemed well. Had a few sketchy moments leading up to wedding where my parents were offering to pay for bits and bobs here and there and the bride seemed to take offence. Wedding happened and all fine, then my parents gently enquiry about wedding photos as they would really like to choose a few to have put in a frame. Months and months go by where my brother and his Mrs say "they are not ready yet". Eventually my brother says they are ready and this is the photographers contact details. So they order some and all fine.
The wedding video......my parents go visit my brother and Mrs and they show them the video, parents casually ask who did it. My brother tells them.

My parents ordered a copy ( they have a copy of my wedding video so thought it would be nice to have my brothers wedding too).

Last weekend on a visit they casually mention that they have got a copy.

Brothers wife goes from friendly to hostile rapidly. Goes very quiet. Parents mention it to me, I say " you are being over sensitive, she much have just been tired perhaps"

Yesterday brother phones to say please don't show anyone else the DVD.

Again phones this morning to say "please return the dvds to us as she is freaking out about it"

Ok must say, we have watched them and there is no dodgy sex scene. It's just a regular wedding video.

My parents as am I , are worried that we can never repair this. They have agreed to send the dvd to her and essentially lose £50 , but we just wonder what the hell we did wrong. Had no idea she was so sensitive about these things. Personally I would feel happy if my parents in law wanted a copy of the wedding video. At least it meant they gave a shit about me.

Anyways just looking for opinions on the whole situation as my parents have always felt her standoffish as she seems to be friendly for the first hour of a visit (we only visit every 4 months or so for half a day to go for a pub lunch for example) , then she goes all quiet as if she has had enough.

I may sound biased but my parents are not controlling or over bearing. They are just simply interested and care about them.

Just wish she could realise it. If anyone has any ideas as to how to mend this rift or even an idea of what her issue might be so we can be better prepared in future. My parents are approaching their 70s so just want everyone to be happy, life is way too short.

OP posts:
Jakeyboy1 · 12/07/2017 19:40

She's got issues. Doesn't bode well - sorry!

FloofyCat · 12/07/2017 19:40

Is it just me that would really really like to hear the SIL's side of this story?

It's very obvious from your posts that you dislike this woman - you've attempted to word things as though you're just wide eyed, neutral and "interested in opinions" but it's very clear what you (and your parents think of her). I would hazard a guess your dislike is as badly concealed in RL.

The very fact that you've written this thread, which is fairly identifying, and basically encouraged people to negatively judge your SIL to validate your own feelings with no regards to hers if she saw this, makes it clear there will be probably be two sides to this, and hers would be very different I'm sure!

FloofyCat · 12/07/2017 19:43

Cross posted with your last post.

"My parents have called me many times today too to try work out what the hell to do"

Needless dramatic behaviour nicely on display here. Can't think why the SIL may find you her DH's family over bearing and hard work and would like you all to back the fuck offGrin

Original poster
tallulahturtle · 12/07/2017 19:44

I'd love to hear her side of the story too believe me.

My parents made it clear in front of them both that they would like a copy, my brother said how to go about it also in front of sil.

Hence our surprise at herreaction to something she was seemingly aware of as it was discussed in front of her weeks ago.
If it was an issue she could have mentioned it to brother who would have phoned parents later and said "actually she's not happy to have copies out there "

That didn't happen so 2 weeks after the first discussion the DVD arrives and boom a bloody bombs gone off .

OP posts:
Doobigetta · 12/07/2017 19:45

Just leave it! Let it be forgotten. Don't sneak off and get another bloody video. Don't bring it up. Don't try and find out what her issues are. Just pretend it didn't happen and get to know her properly, with an open mind. If that's hard, remember that she's making your brother happy (just go with that). Until the day comes when your brother's marriage breaks down, find a way to like her. Look for the good bits, not the bad ones.

BertrandRussell · 12/07/2017 19:45

OK. I would give her a ring and ask if you could pop round for coffee. Just you and her. Then I would say that I was really, really sorry that she's so upset, and please could she tell you why. And then I would listen really hard to what she says. And I would take it from there. Not with a view to becoming best friends, but with a view to find a way of coexisting reasonably happily.

Pengggwn · 12/07/2017 19:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NellieBuff · 12/07/2017 19:50

OP: have you actually tried talking and listening to her. That does mean not going on an internet forum and slagging her off to all and sundry.

Yes her behaviour does appear strange but we only have your side of the story (I am sure hers is completely different). Telephone her and genuinely apologise for upsetting her. Ask her (don't judge her - believe me she knows you really don't like her) why she feels the way she does and what you can do to help avoid this situation in the future.

If I was her I wouldn't trust you and your family given your previous behaviour (ordering a DVD when she asked you not to and going onto an internet forum to slag her off etc) but that does not mean you all cannot move forward.

Best way is to try to understand her - the more people say she is being ridiculous the more isolated she will feel and the more she will shut down and lock you out.

Also she knows you and your family don't like her so she may just have a heightened self preservation strategy - but as I have said before who knows as we are only hearing your side of the story.

WonderLime · 12/07/2017 19:55

I've already said what your parents should do. Your mother (not everyone at once) should have a coffee with SIL, and gently bring up the conversation with something polite like: "Sorry about the video, you looked stunning" if you want to repair the relationship. That's it. Either it will give SIL an opportunity to explain or it will close the subject once and for all.

Your DPs should absolutely not make another copy behind your SIL's back.

Doowappydoo · 12/07/2017 19:55

As to what you should do - leave it, step back from the drama, stop having endless phone conversations about it, stop the "what if she's a controlling abuser, this means we won't be able to ask her anything about her kids" overreaction. You know how she feels about it, respect that and move on. In future be friendly and open minded towards her.

DeadGood · 12/07/2017 19:55

"So instead of 'building bridges' you've decided to keep her at arms length"

The OP has no choice, because the SIL acts in ways that are, to other people, inscrutable and unpredictable.

And yes (to the other poster, sorry forget name) I do think the relationship with the SIL needs to be managed. It's clearly not going to run smoothly with everyone acting in their normal way, because they have different boundaries and ideas of what is normal and acceptable.

EdmundCleverClogs · 12/07/2017 20:03

My parents made it clear in front of them both that they would like a copy, my brother said how to go about it also in front of sil.

What did you expect your shy/introvert SiL to say in front of your parents, especially being put on the spot? They probably had several discussions/arguments leading up to it arriving at your parents house, but it wasn't her place to say 'no' to them on the day.

As for actually wanting advice on what to do, if you genuinely wanted to fix this I'd suggest a mix between what Doobigetta and BertrandRussell suggested just above. Get to know her, try and understand and like her, stop being 'you versus her', DVD angst, etc. However, I really don't believe you want to fix this, so I'm advising to just leave well alone.

WonderLime · 12/07/2017 20:03

My parents made it clear in front of them both that they would like a copy, my brother said how to go about it also in front of sil

Hang on. I'm not sure about your story to be honest. You didn't explicitly mention that your DB told them how they should get a copy of the video in front of your SIL. You originally said that your parents 'casually' asked who made the video and your DB and SIL told them.

How did 'casually ask who did the video' become 'specifically ask where they can get a copy'?

BertrandRussell · 12/07/2017 20:08

However, I do think you would have to be bloody psychic to think that a couple who had had a video of their wedding made and who had just shown it would not want their parents to have a copy.......

Storminateapot · 12/07/2017 20:08

Why are people making up facts? SiL knew they were going to order a DVD and did not make these feelings known until the deed was done. Exactly what did the in laws do wrong here?
OP has said they live 2 hours away so popping round is hardly an option.

Personally I would let the dust settle on this for a wee while then ask your brother again what is wrong. He knows, she will have told him exactly why she had reacted this way, so he should stop being mysterious and be frank about quite which mark has been overstepped and how this can be avoided in future. If she finds you all too full-on then you need to know. You can only move forward harmoniously if you know what you are all doing to upset her.

Rawhh · 12/07/2017 20:08

I would suggest that SIL has severe body image issues.

I'm the same. I will not have photos taken and the thought of someone having a photo of me that would end up out of my control I.e up in someone's house etc would fill me with horrific anxiety

She would likely have wanted to have loved the pictures of her wedding but in reality when you look at yourself and only see flaws nothing will change that perception.

You sound highly unsympathetic and very unwelcoming of her into your new family.

FloofyCat · 12/07/2017 20:09

"The wedding video......my parents go visit my brother and Mrs and they show them the video, parents casually ask who did it. My brother tells them.

My parents ordered a copy ( they have a copy of my wedding video so thought it would be nice to have my brothers wedding too).

Last weekend on a visit they casually mention that they have got a copy."

This was the OP and it doesn't read as though parents asked them first if they were OK with them ordering a copy. It also sounds as though the parents repeatedly asked about photos before ordering them too. Over emphasis on the word "casually" usually means anything but!

Look, your parents and you clearly do not like this woman and do not genuinely want to respect her wishes, plus you discuss her behind her back amongst yourselves, and then openly on an Internet forum.

You're being very disingenuous here.

EdmundCleverClogs · 12/07/2017 20:10

The OP has no choice, because the SIL acts in ways that are, to other people, inscrutable and unpredictable

One instance of not agreeing to something, and she should be kept at arms length for being unpredictable? I could understand if at any point the OP had suggested a history of odd behaviour, but this seems to be the first real 'butting of heads' between the two families. Suddenly the SiL is Satan in a skirt because she's not conforming Hmm.

Rawhh · 12/07/2017 20:10

...forgot to add. You have less control over a video angle and she may hate how she looks on film. She may be filled with dread at the thought of any one owning a copy and seeing her.

WonderLime · 12/07/2017 20:16

Why are people making up facts? SiL knew they were going to order a DVD and did not make these feelings known until the deed was done.

Actually there was no revelation of this in the OP. This seems to be a new development. The parents only 'casually asked' who made the video.

Storminateapot · 12/07/2017 20:20

FFS! Is an OP set in stone? Must we all make sure we take care to second guess and clarify every single point in an initial query? This is why this is the last place on earth I would ever come for advice. It's entertaining reading but my God is it intolerant and mean.

BertrandRussell · 12/07/2017 20:21

If she hates the video so much, and I can understand how she might, can't imagine anything worse myself, why was it shown in the first place? Why did anybody even mention it?

WonderLime · 12/07/2017 20:23

Storminateapot Of course, but how can you accuse people of making up facts when the story changes?

I've based a lot of my thoughts on the original OP, and now it turns out the 'facts' from the OP were wrong.

Scrowy · 12/07/2017 20:27

Mumsnet is clearly split into two camps on this. Those who can't understand why SIL would have a problem with this 'because family' and those who can emphasise with the SIL because they have people who do this sort of thing to them and get how low level stuff can build and escalate over time to the point where you just want to blow up at them over something seemingly innocuous.

I bet it isn't about the Dvd at all I bet the Dvd is just something tangible SIL feels her PILs have overstepped on in a long history of minor oversteps.

She probably feels stupid because it is stupid but I can easily see how a similar situation could one day happen with my in-laws.

BertrandRussell · 12/07/2017 20:30

"I bet it isn't about the Dvd at all I bet the Dvd is just something tangible SIL feels her PILs have overstepped on in a long history of minor oversteps"
Can I ask why you are starting from the standpoint that the "blame" must lie with the pils?