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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Brothers wife, bridges burnt. What do we do?!

575 replies

tallulahturtle · 11/07/2017 23:59

Ok.

My brother got married last autumn and all seemed well. Had a few sketchy moments leading up to wedding where my parents were offering to pay for bits and bobs here and there and the bride seemed to take offence. Wedding happened and all fine, then my parents gently enquiry about wedding photos as they would really like to choose a few to have put in a frame. Months and months go by where my brother and his Mrs say "they are not ready yet". Eventually my brother says they are ready and this is the photographers contact details. So they order some and all fine.
The wedding video......my parents go visit my brother and Mrs and they show them the video, parents casually ask who did it. My brother tells them.

My parents ordered a copy ( they have a copy of my wedding video so thought it would be nice to have my brothers wedding too).

Last weekend on a visit they casually mention that they have got a copy.

Brothers wife goes from friendly to hostile rapidly. Goes very quiet. Parents mention it to me, I say " you are being over sensitive, she much have just been tired perhaps"

Yesterday brother phones to say please don't show anyone else the DVD.

Again phones this morning to say "please return the dvds to us as she is freaking out about it"

Ok must say, we have watched them and there is no dodgy sex scene. It's just a regular wedding video.

My parents as am I , are worried that we can never repair this. They have agreed to send the dvd to her and essentially lose £50 , but we just wonder what the hell we did wrong. Had no idea she was so sensitive about these things. Personally I would feel happy if my parents in law wanted a copy of the wedding video. At least it meant they gave a shit about me.

Anyways just looking for opinions on the whole situation as my parents have always felt her standoffish as she seems to be friendly for the first hour of a visit (we only visit every 4 months or so for half a day to go for a pub lunch for example) , then she goes all quiet as if she has had enough.

I may sound biased but my parents are not controlling or over bearing. They are just simply interested and care about them.

Just wish she could realise it. If anyone has any ideas as to how to mend this rift or even an idea of what her issue might be so we can be better prepared in future. My parents are approaching their 70s so just want everyone to be happy, life is way too short.

OP posts:
Butteredparsnip1ps · 12/07/2017 17:58

This is one of those threads where I think I live in a parallel universe. Oh, and I'm an introvert, but have never used that as an excuse to be rude.

Surely the etiquette re wedding photos is an album or book is made for the happy couple and both sets of parents? Likewise a video or DVD.

Massive etiquette fail by the Bride and Groom for not sorting this and putting OP's parents in the position where they have to sort it themselves.

Squishedstrawberry4 · 12/07/2017 18:02

Have you read my post?

Sounds like she's just extreamly self conscious

Storminateapot · 12/07/2017 18:13

Yet not so self conscious that she doesn't mind making a holy show of herself over this. Hmm

Doowappydoo · 12/07/2017 18:27

Yes well people have all sorts of idiosyncrasies that aren't always rational or consistent. The sil obviously feels very strongly about the family not having copies of the wedding video. The kindest thing to do and the best in terms of future family harmony is to accept that.

grannytomine · 12/07/2017 18:32

Storminateapot don't worry, most women in the real world aren't like this. I have 3 sons and their wives/partners always include us, I got the framed wedding photos as gifts, copy of video, one sees me more than her mum. Hope you find the same.

Original poster
tallulahturtle · 12/07/2017 18:34

I never said she would be a bad parent but just that in future we will just have to be very careful around her as we have managed to put our foot it it this seriously.
My parents had said in front of both of them "so who did the video?" My brother said who did it and he said to get touch with the chap for a copy. Nothing was done behind their backs completely innocent "mistake".

None of us want her kicking off again so yes if they did have kids then I really would avoid any questions that she may deem are very personal to her, it is clear we have very different ideas of boundaries and what is too personal or private , I personally will be treating with caution.
However I also will be keeping an eye just incase (not saying it will) her behaviour escalates into something more controlling and potential abusive. I have a very good friend who was frequently beaten by his wife so I am all too aware with domestic violence it goes both ways.

OP posts:
Theycalledmethewildrose · 12/07/2017 18:38

OP have you re read your posts. Why do you keeping writing 'we' when you write about your parents. Did she marry your brother or all of you collectively? I feel quite sorry for her as you sound very over involved.

EdmundCleverClogs · 12/07/2017 18:43

So instead of 'building bridges' you've decided to keep her at arms length and look at her as a potential future abuser. Glad that's all sorted. This will definitely end well.

Danibubbles · 12/07/2017 18:44

The bit that jumps out to me was your brother saying "please don't show anyone else the DVD"
Were your parents perhaps broadcasting the wedding video to other people which made SIL uncomfortable?

Pengggwn · 12/07/2017 18:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NellieBuff · 12/07/2017 18:49

OP: are you serious? You really do not like your SIL do you? All of a sudden she has gone from being a loon to a full blown abuser in the space of a day.

Get over yourself = perhaps your SIL hates you as much as you apparently hate her.

You really do not want to build bridges but want to cause an all out family breach.

Thank heavens you are not related to me.

DeadGood · 12/07/2017 18:53

"She's not a misbehaving spaniel, she's the woman he has just married!"

Yes, and she is causing problems in the family.

The fact is, both parties are becoming upset. In my opinion, the SIL is acting outside of the norm and hers is the behaviour needs managing.

I doubt she is a bad person, but her behaviour is clearly baffling to everyone else. So why not talk about it so things can be smoothed over?

Pengggwn · 12/07/2017 18:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
tallulahturtle · 12/07/2017 19:01

In going to keep it in mind yes. So many of you have said this is a controlling behaviour so I think it would be prudent to just be aware of it.

OP posts:
ReginaGeorgeinSheepsClothing · 12/07/2017 19:05

Bloody hell!! So sil doesn't want copies of dvd out there, yep prob not the norm but it really a 'her vs everyone else in a close knit family' I get feeling no matter what she did it'd be wrong!

NellieBuff · 12/07/2017 19:08

OP: if anyone is the controlling abusive loon around here it is you.

You give limited information to a group of strangers on an internet forum and based on their replies (remember we have never met you, your family, SIL etc) you have come to the conclusion she is an abuser.

Flipping Nora - now I have heard everything.

Just for interest are you going to show your brother or your SIL this thread (or your parents for that matter) and see what they say about the whole situation.

EdmundCleverClogs · 12/07/2017 19:10

I just hope your husband has never once acted off or 'out of line' around your family, op. I can't imagine what you'd feel like if it transpired they were keeping an eye on him as a 'possible abuser' for something one or both of you could explain if asked about.

However, it was obvious from a few posts in that you weren't interested in anything that might genuinely be affecting your SiL, or how to mend your relationship, just looking for affirmation to dislike her further.

Nanny0gg · 12/07/2017 19:13

It never ceases to amaze me on these kinds of threads, how everyone can read the same posts and come to such different conclusions.

Doobigetta · 12/07/2017 19:18

Oh, FFS. There's no massive mystery here. There's something on the video she doesn't like- the way she looks, or a dodgy comment she didn't want to hear, or something, and she's handled it a bit badly and it's spiralled out of control like these things do sometimes. You can be kind, and let it be forgotten, or you can "innocently" bring it up at every family occasion for ever more. "Oh, and do you remember that very strange behaviour from SIL that time, we never did understand it did we?"

Just leave it. It might be a bit weird and over the top, but it doesn't make her the evil woman of the year. You are blowing this way out of proportion. Potential abuser, ffs. You're enjoying the drama, that's what's going on here.

Theycalledmethewildrose · 12/07/2017 19:18

There are families who include each other in everything. There are families who overshare. There are families who are over involved in each other's lives. There are families who are private.

OP Have you considered your family may be over involved and your SIL might be from a private family.

Personally I totally see her viewpoint and from what you have written in this thread, I feel quite sorry for her.

Original poster
tallulahturtle · 12/07/2017 19:19

Agreed

OP posts:
Storminateapot · 12/07/2017 19:19

OP didn't conclude she is an abuser. Somebody else said that. But obviously all the MN IL haters have to come out & grind their axes excusing frankly bizarre behaviour as perfectly normal and acceptable.

Doowappydoo · 12/07/2017 19:31

I agree that it doesn't seem like you genuinely want to build bridges or understand why she might have reacted in this way. What's coming across is that you and your parents don't like her. Your brother doesn't come out of this well either with his "my wife's very upset, she doesn't want the wedding video shared, just ignore her and keep it anyway"

I started off reading this thinking that the sil sounded like hard work but I'm now feeling very sorry for her and wondering what her version of events would be.

EdmundCleverClogs · 12/07/2017 19:34

Storminateapot, the op said she would keep an eye on her as a potential abuser, based on one family disagreement. And I don't understand the split down the middle in this site - either PiL can't do right from wrong, or they cannot be in the wrong at all, even if they are blatantly doing something that is hurtful to someone. In the latter case, people just shout out the old 'PiL can't ever do right, I dread having a daughter in law' rhetoric. Most of the time the truth lies in the middle.

In this case, yes the DiL is behaving oddly, and without a reason it's easy to speculate. However, the PiL are not completely innocent, they are obviously disregarding how DiL feels by planning on getting another copy of this damn DVD without much thought of possible consequence to their son's marriage. Meanwhile, their daughter is airing all of this on a public forum, allowing her brother's husband to be called all sorts without any chance of defence and on minimal information. It's difficult to actually see who's behaving worse in all honesty.

Original poster
tallulahturtle · 12/07/2017 19:38

Ok, I'm opening the floor.

What would you all be doing now to sort this?

I am happy to give her a text or call and apologise for example but I know if it was me I would now be embarrassed for making such a fuss. That's me personally.
My brother has said she is being ridiculous, my husband has also agreed so it is not just me and my parents.

We are fairly close knit but are even closer today as my brother won't stop calling my parents to try smooth things over as he has said it's not their fault. My parents have called me many times today too to try work out what the hell to do.

We don't usually have this much contact, hell I've now seen sister in law or my brother for for about four months so not sure how I am controlling anyone.

I just want it to all chill down so we can get on with our lives.

So go on what would everyone do now?

OP posts:
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