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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Brothers wife, bridges burnt. What do we do?!

575 replies

tallulahturtle · 11/07/2017 23:59

Ok.

My brother got married last autumn and all seemed well. Had a few sketchy moments leading up to wedding where my parents were offering to pay for bits and bobs here and there and the bride seemed to take offence. Wedding happened and all fine, then my parents gently enquiry about wedding photos as they would really like to choose a few to have put in a frame. Months and months go by where my brother and his Mrs say "they are not ready yet". Eventually my brother says they are ready and this is the photographers contact details. So they order some and all fine.
The wedding video......my parents go visit my brother and Mrs and they show them the video, parents casually ask who did it. My brother tells them.

My parents ordered a copy ( they have a copy of my wedding video so thought it would be nice to have my brothers wedding too).

Last weekend on a visit they casually mention that they have got a copy.

Brothers wife goes from friendly to hostile rapidly. Goes very quiet. Parents mention it to me, I say " you are being over sensitive, she much have just been tired perhaps"

Yesterday brother phones to say please don't show anyone else the DVD.

Again phones this morning to say "please return the dvds to us as she is freaking out about it"

Ok must say, we have watched them and there is no dodgy sex scene. It's just a regular wedding video.

My parents as am I , are worried that we can never repair this. They have agreed to send the dvd to her and essentially lose £50 , but we just wonder what the hell we did wrong. Had no idea she was so sensitive about these things. Personally I would feel happy if my parents in law wanted a copy of the wedding video. At least it meant they gave a shit about me.

Anyways just looking for opinions on the whole situation as my parents have always felt her standoffish as she seems to be friendly for the first hour of a visit (we only visit every 4 months or so for half a day to go for a pub lunch for example) , then she goes all quiet as if she has had enough.

I may sound biased but my parents are not controlling or over bearing. They are just simply interested and care about them.

Just wish she could realise it. If anyone has any ideas as to how to mend this rift or even an idea of what her issue might be so we can be better prepared in future. My parents are approaching their 70s so just want everyone to be happy, life is way too short.

OP posts:
Penfold007 · 12/07/2017 13:30

Heaven help you OP when the Daily Fail or similar get hold of this story. You and your family will be easily recognised by those who know you.

tosto · 12/07/2017 13:32

Did your brother really tell your parents his wife is being ridiculous and they should make a secret copy of the DVD? Hmm

HelenRose1111 · 12/07/2017 13:37

SIL - have you considered she may have body dysmorphia, perhaps recovering from an eating disorder? You say she has a lovely figure but what if she can't see that & hates seeing herself if pics/videos.

Of course I don't know her, but I do know that self conscious feeling when you hate how you look, the last thing you want is people looking at you and being the centre of attention.
My comfort zone in that situation would be an hour, too (thinking of you saying she's ok for an hour when you visit, then shuts herself away. That's my reaction to my own self consciousness and self loathing, too)
Just an alternative view, anyway.

SecretLifeOfSam · 12/07/2017 13:37

'I'm sorry about the video, you looked so beautiful in it'
THIS!

Wonder you speak a lot of sense!!

DramaInPyjamas · 12/07/2017 13:39

Maybe she just doesn't like you or your parents. Maybe it's that simple.

BarbarianMum · 12/07/2017 13:43
Original poster
tallulahturtle · 12/07/2017 14:07

Well if some journo does use this then good luck to them. I won't know about it as I barely have time to watch tv let alone buy newspapers with a full time job and a yard to run 😂

OP posts:
Whattheacktual · 12/07/2017 14:13

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Fl0ellafunbags · 12/07/2017 14:16

whatthe that comment was totally unnecessary and extremely unpleasant.

Whattheacktual · 12/07/2017 14:17

And actually. If you treat her in any way like you've been on this thread I'm not surprised she wants nothing to do with you all.

SIL. Find out where the copyright of the video vests and if it isn't with your in laws get it the fuck off them.

Whattheacktual · 12/07/2017 14:18

It's not all about you op.

Your SIL has rights and you are laughing at her.

Highly unpleasant. It's not all about you.

Sorry I called you a twat though.

alittlequinnie · 12/07/2017 14:25

I could be the SIL in this post - I HATE pictures and would die if I thought somebody had some of me. My in laws put pictures of me up on the wall and I don't like going there now as I have to try to avoid looking at them.

I also try to avoid looking in mirrors and would DIE rather than get into a swimsuit in front of my in laws.

Instead of recognising that I was not like them and that I may need a bit of time to "blend in" they just overrode all my concerns and told me I was being "ridiculous" for not liking photos and that I had a "lovely figure" and should show it off in swimming costumes etc - I should also be happy to share a room with my husband AND his sister whilst sleeping on a sofa because this is what they were all used to doing.

Sometimes you need to accept that people are not the same as you - it is hard when you are the "odd one out".

I do appreciate that she also needs to accept that they are different to her but sometimes the more assertive side just takes over doesn't it?

For example I begged people not to video our wedding but when I got to the end of the isle my FIL was sat there with his video camera on a tripod - I asked him twice to stop during the day but he said that he was doing it for him not me?!

CircleofWillis · 12/07/2017 14:26

Maybe the Bride is in witness protection and is afraid the bad guys will recognize her when it goes viral on facebook
Counter I was about to say the same thing (and would only be partly joking).

EdmundCleverClogs · 12/07/2017 14:28

tallulahturtle, your brother and sister in law might not be so busy though. Will you be suggesting to your parents that perhaps it's not right to make a copy of the video at the moment, and at least try to understand what's caused your SiL upset first? I genuinely feel that if SiL finds out that her PiL/husband undermined her, it really may put their relationship in jeopardy. No one wants that, surely?

Mrsfrumble · 12/07/2017 14:29

Or maybe the SIL is the criminal on the run. A bigamist? An international jewel thief perhaps?

Squishedstrawberry4 · 12/07/2017 14:33

She sounds private, self conscious and introvert. That's all.

Rather then trying to psychoanalyse her, which she will sense and feel judged, decide to accept her exactly as she is with no quarms. When you accept her as she is and slowly bond, you will get to know her much better. Maybe in a few years you might naturally gain some insight into why she finds things so difficult.

I can't really see why you must have insight now. It feels a bit like a witch hunt. It would be much kinder to respect her wishes and be non judgemental.

Original poster
tallulahturtle · 12/07/2017 14:33

Ah did you, sorry I missed that 😀 . I really don't think I've treated her badly in any way. My laughter was simply aimed at any sad journo who is scratching around for a story that they would nick it off here as I formone would never see it.

Also don't actually know anyone who reads the daily mail , and know my bro and silk don't even really watch the news let alone buy papers so I am really not concerned that any of this would get out, and even if it did then so what.
Should we all be afraid to come on here to get opinions on stuff for fear of the daily mail lurking.

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 12/07/2017 14:34

"For example I begged people not to video our wedding but when I got to the end of the isle my FIL was sat there with his video camera on a tripod - I asked him twice to stop during the day but he said that he was doing it for him not me?!"

That is sooooo awful.

Original poster
tallulahturtle · 12/07/2017 14:34

Have also mooted the idea that she is on witness protection or an international spy. Really sorry I missed the deleted post. Can anyone enlighten me what was said? I can take it 😜

OP posts:
EdmundCleverClogs · 12/07/2017 14:38

tallulahturtle, sorry you seem to have missed the question in my post, about asking your parents to hold off for the moment?

Original poster
tallulahturtle · 12/07/2017 14:43

Sorry Edmund for missing that. I can suggest it certainly they are off on holiday as of this morning so nothing they can do about any of this for a couple of weeks anyway.

OP posts:
Mia1415 · 12/07/2017 14:49

I'm absolutely stunned that some of you think its weird to have copies of people's wedding photographs and / or videos. People (family and friends) bought copies of mine and I've purchased photo's of friends weddings and also video's of family weddings (cousin's).

WowWowDouble · 12/07/2017 15:07

OP, I'm stunned at some of the replies on here suggesting that your parents or you have behaved badly in any way. It sounds like a straightforward case of the SIL being controlling, wired and unkind. Some Mumsnetters seem to think that PIL and MILs in particular can never be the ones to be behaving badly.
If she didn't want people to have photos of her then any normal person would at least have told their husband so he wouldn't have shown the wedding video to his parents and given them the info about how to buy it.

I agree that you would have got very different answers if the sex's had been reversed.

I think you and your parents just need to accept that she isn't very nice and that you will just have to muddle along. There is no point confronting her or trying to do anything about it other than trying to appease her. She will be In total control when and if DC come along so you wil just have to keep your fingers crossed that she allows some contact. It sounds like your brother doesn't have much say in things.

histinyhandsarefrozen · 12/07/2017 15:15

Fancy getting a pro photographer then insisting no one buys from them. Poor sod.

EdmundCleverClogs · 12/07/2017 15:20

WowWowDouble that's an amazing conclusion to come to on such little information, unless you personally know the SiL in question.