To think new mum's needs should come first?

[PostmanPatisacrappostman]

Aibu to think that life shortly after giving birth can often be downplayed?

I'm thinking in terms of visitors and what is expected of new mums. I sometimes see threads on here (I've seen it in rl too), everyone suddenly wants a piece of the newborn baby. They want to visit, hold the baby, sometimes even take the baby away for a while, and sometimes this goes against what the mum wants, but she's called precious and possessive.

New mothers are usually expected to have their door open for a string of visitors when she's knackered and recovering.

Thinking back to when I had my youngest. I'd had a very dramatic delivery, stitches, getting no sleep at all, breasts engorged and nipples feeling like they were falling off, bleeding heavily, baby blues and suddenly there was a queue of visitors waiting to take the baby. I even had my in laws round while the midwife was trying to support my breastfeeding.

Being introvert I find visitors exhausting at the very best of times and I'm convinced that coping with all the visitors in those early weeks set me off on a path to pnd.

I aid to dh that if we ever had another baby I'd ban visitor for the first few weeks until I'd found my feet. It wouldn't have been so bad but no one even so much as made us a cup of tea.

I know I'll probably be called a snowflake but I cannot think of any other time when you'd be expected to entertain guests constantly, it's fair enough if the mother wants visitors, and yes I know it's the dads baby too. Given the mum is the only one who's just gone through the pregnancy, birth and aftermath, aibu to think her comfort should be priority for a little while?

Yes, I agree. After I had my first my MiL (who is usually lovely) two BILs plus one girlfriend who is only met a few times came all at once, took up every seat in my tiny living room and passed my day old and under investigation for a heart defect DD around for what felt like hours while I perched on a kitchen chair.
Thankfully they all lost interest by the time I'd had my second but I still remember that day and feel like not one person put me first.

I think that too, especially when it comes to visiting new mums in hospital. Women are patients in this scenario, why should they not get privacy if that's what they want.

YANBU

YANBU. When I was on hospital, I banned all visitors. I was horrified when someone I knew who worked there came for a very brief visit. She meant well, but I was in no fit to see anyone.

YANBU OP.

See in RL none of that has been my experience.

We had the inlaws and my parents visit the same day/next day, they checked in advance, as did a couple of close friends and that was that for all 3 of my babies.

But YANBU if you're talking about some of the intrusive people you read about on MN.

That said, I can never understand any adult who would rush around making tea and fetching biscuits for visiting family and friends, after just giving birth.

That smacks of martyr to me. If they're close enough to visit, they're close enough for you to say, "Stick the kettle on make us a cuppa would you please".

I agree with Worra. What you describe definitely sounds awful but it wasn't what I experienced at all. I did have visitors, and was glad to see them, because they were helpful, not intrusive or overbearing. I had PND with my first. It was having visitors that stopped me from sinking into utter despair.

I wanted visitors - I was shell-shocked, and needed to see people I loved to help me through an expected premature birth. I would have been very upset if no-one came to see me for weeks, even if they were trying to be kind and give me space.

I do agree, though, that a new mum's needs should come first: if she wants lots of people, that's great. If she needs some space and privacy, then she should (within reason) have it. I find it slightly odd when people don't even let close family members (parents, PIL, brothers, sisters) visit, assuming that there is an otherwise normal healthy relationship.

It's also really tricky. Because for every thread I read on mumsnet about a new mum wanting to lock herself away for six weeks there is another thread by someone who is devastated that they're having a baby and grandparents/siblings/in laws/friends aren't planning to visit.

My mil threw a party when my youngest was 5 days old, and got huffy when I (rather too) politely declined. She wanted to show off her new grandchild. Even had a nosey neighbour sit for a couple of hours telling me my breastmilk was probably too weak and that's why the baby kept crying. We thought she was only popping in for a minute to peek at the baby.

I should have been more assertive wth lots of people but I was way too much of a zombie.

Yes I can understand feeling isolated too.

I guess it all depends on your personality, how you're feeling after the birth, and your relationship with the people.

I think for me at that time I probably could have done with a couple of weeks of space.

My own parents were visiting recently one week after I gave birth. I had to tell my dad that while he was more than welcome to help himself to tea and coffee could he please offer one of us one. Having had zero hours sleep it did grate when he repeatedly made tea for him and my mum and didn't once offer us!

He was mortified and just needed told actually. After that I have never been offered so much tea in my life

It does depend on personality- I had 2 really horrible births but wanted people around me to meet my newborn. It just depends on how each individual feels after birth .

I agree with worra, even though i am one of the mn instances where visiting requests have been totally entitled and unreasonable. All my friends with babies have had totally different experiences , their families were calm, respectful, helpful etc and i think the majority of new mums have this experience.

I stand like this:
-The mum is a patient and her needs and wishes must be respected
-its fine if the mum and dad want a day or so alone to get settled before visits.

• the parents dont have to let anyone 'have a cuddle' or wait on visitors
• its fine if mum doesnt feel up to visitors in hospital and would rather wait til her and baby are home.
• and this might be disagreeable to some, but in a new born scenario, grandparents are not 'equal' if a new mum wanta her own mum after thr birth of her child then that is perfectly fine and she shouldnt need to worry about how mil will take it... i just wanted to see my mum, i didnt care that she would be first to see dd or consider how fair that was.

I agree with Worra too. I don't recognise any of what you describe (except the difficult birth bit) and I'd have been gutted if my family and friends hadn't welcomed our baby into the world and been excited about the arrival.
However, IME, when people call round, they make you a drink, they bring a meal with them, they ask what they can do for you, etc.

I have to say this wasn't my experience. I had my PIL, aunt, grandmother, cousin and sisters visit us in hospital unannounced at various times and a fairly steady stream once home and absolutely adored it.

I'm newly pregnant and hope we have similar this time although I suspect novelty value will not be the same.

Yanbu to feel the way you do but my experience is much like Worra everyone checked first and I'm close enough to all my family, including my in-laws that I had no problem asking them to make a drink or bugger off when I was tired. I loved having people around me though and showing off my DS.

I do guess like pp have said it entirely depends on your personality bit of course it should be dictated by what you want, not what your potential visitors want.

YY Back for good - people did my washing, helped me shower (traumatic emcs so needed a bit of extra help) brought me food and cleaned up. It was amazing.

Think you all angry mothers would be spouting different things if no one was interested..

I completely agree with Ollie's stand on this.

Its nice to read a thread full of helpful relatives and happy new mums on this subject for once.

I never realised how crazy pregnancy can make you as well. In the last weeks I was really worried people wouldnt leave me alone after the birth and everyone would be trying to take my baby away from me

Have ya'll not read the 600(ish) post thread active about this? Also in AIBU but the thread has descended into anarchy so this thread just has a goady taste to it. Sorry OP.

Aw wow Dione do you even agree with the equal grandparents bit? Not many do but then my mil is very troublesome and dh has a difficult relationship with her.

It takes a village to raise a child (and look after a new mum) after all.

Olennas

True, but i didnt fancy the viliage idiot mil around