To think new mum's needs should come first?

[PostmanPatisacrappostman]

Aibu to think that life shortly after giving birth can often be downplayed?

I'm thinking in terms of visitors and what is expected of new mums. I sometimes see threads on here (I've seen it in rl too), everyone suddenly wants a piece of the newborn baby. They want to visit, hold the baby, sometimes even take the baby away for a while, and sometimes this goes against what the mum wants, but she's called precious and possessive.

New mothers are usually expected to have their door open for a string of visitors when she's knackered and recovering.

Thinking back to when I had my youngest. I'd had a very dramatic delivery, stitches, getting no sleep at all, breasts engorged and nipples feeling like they were falling off, bleeding heavily, baby blues and suddenly there was a queue of visitors waiting to take the baby. I even had my in laws round while the midwife was trying to support my breastfeeding.

Being introvert I find visitors exhausting at the very best of times and I'm convinced that coping with all the visitors in those early weeks set me off on a path to pnd.

I aid to dh that if we ever had another baby I'd ban visitor for the first few weeks until I'd found my feet. It wouldn't have been so bad but no one even so much as made us a cup of tea.

I know I'll probably be called a snowflake but I cannot think of any other time when you'd be expected to entertain guests constantly, it's fair enough if the mother wants visitors, and yes I know it's the dads baby too. Given the mum is the only one who's just gone through the pregnancy, birth and aftermath, aibu to think her comfort should be priority for a little while?

"and don't really make a secret of the fact that they'd prefer it to be just them and DD"

It's rude to be obvious about it, but surely that's just natural?

I always ask - usually the dad as I realise mum may feel too awkward /zonked to say it to me. I tell him to let us know when it's convenient to visit and usually only stay a maximum of an hour unless I'm asked specifically to stay longer by mum. The first thing I do before I visit is ask if I can bring dinner/ shopping for them, and when I arrive I ask if there is any household stuff they would like a hand with. And I wait to be offered a cuddle. If I ever become a MIL I will do exactly the same.

I got to sit like a queen while DP did all of the teas. He also did all the housework. My job was to establish breastfeeding during those days. I was lucky my IL's gave me space though, as did my own family, and checked with me when it suited me for them to visit. Nobody dropped in unannounced and didn't expect constant teas and coffees.

I think it's natural to be keener to see their son and grandchildren than me, absolutely, but dont really get the wanting to spend time alone with a toddler that you don't see often.

"really get the wanting to spend time alone with a toddler that you don't see often."

Don't you? Maybe because you feel watched or judged? Maybe because you feel self conscious talking nonsense or singing in front of other people?

Oh you're completely right. I had a horrible birth, MIL and DP were with me in hospital after (Mum had to go), and without asking me, MIL invited everyone to the hospital the day she was born. I'm not kidding. FIL, both of DP's aunties, both of his cousins, his uncle, younger sister etc. I was very pissed off but didn't say anything at the time

Just say no and be firm, it's your time and I should've said no too.

Bertrand - It wouldn't occur to me to be embarrassed about talking or singing to a baby. Obviously as you've mentioned it, people probably do, but I honestly haven't thought about that before now.

I just don't understand what you get from spending time with a baby or toddler without its parents. Even with children of friends I see most weeks I won't understand everything they're saying, for a start. I'm perfectly happy to look after children of friends, and nieces and nephews if the parents want me to, but I don't think the children get anything out of alone time with me at that age.

A bit older, and I'm sure being taken out by grandparents will be a real treat, but at the moment DD doesn't get anything out of time just with me or DP, either. Later on I'm sure 'just us' time will be a concept she will enjoy with both of us, but at the moment it has no meaning. Does that make sense?

Basket-if I was a nice person, and had read a bit of Mumsnet, I would be terrified of being judged as a grandparent.

Also, it's quite awkward spending time with someone else if you've got nothing in common. I was always delighted to leave my children alone with my MIL- it was a win/win/win!

I loved spending time with my baby and toddler nieces and nephews without their parents. I got to know them and they, me. I have bought them and brought them to things that they have enjoyed that their parents aren't interested in. They have grown up having a relationship with me that began in infancy and is separate from their parents.

And the more time you spend with them, the better you understand them.

I agree, Dione. I think it's fantastic for children to have their own relationships with adults apart from their parents.i love being an alternative listening ear for my now young adult nieces and nephews.

Yes, if they were round the corner it would be different, and once she can say more than a handful of words then it will be easier. I don't not enjoy time alone with little ones, I just notice that they like it even more when their parents are around, too. A little older and I think one-on-one time could be special for her, but DD would definitely prefer me and DP to either of us alone at the moment. This may change when her brother or sister is born, though - she might like the dedicated attention.

I think MIL is safe from any mumsnet madness, Bertrand. She can barely use google!

Children WILL develop relationships outside of their mum and dad. They'll develop relationships with their friends, their extended family, their nursery caters or childminder, their teachers, and eventually their own partners and children. It's the natural course of life.

Even so there is absolutely nothing to be gained, for a newborn baby, by having 'alone time' with anyone other than their mum and dad.

"Even so there is absolutely nothing to be gained, for a newborn baby, by having 'alone time' with anyone other than their mum and dad"
Oh, I agree about newborns and alone time. But I do think that it doesn't do them any "harm' to be part of a wider family. My mum used to say that they bring their love and joy with them. And it's lovely when they spread that around a bit!

I could've written the original post...

I remember being sat on a chair, under a blanket in the corner of the room, bleeding heavily, piles like conkers and generally feeling like death warmed up whilst a near constant steam of visitors came by.

Most with unsolicited advice.

And yes, in-laws were there during the first midwives visit whilst I was being asked about stitches, bowel movements etc.

And my niece was also there on day one with a chest infection, which they all decided to try and hide from me!

If I did it again I would ban visitors for a full week!

YANBU. In the Netherlands you get a lady come round for about week (40ish hours total) to look after you, help with the baby, do some light housework (!) and deal with guests, all covered by your insurance. It's bloody marvellous. I feel so sorry for you guys trying to fend people off while bleeding, in pain, trying to establish breastfeeding and everything else that comes with a newborn!

Bluethesaurusrex we also had unwell relative visiting.

It's a special kind of moron that comes coughing and sneezing around a new mum and baby.

My inlaws also kindly took my then 1 year old to play with another toddler with diarrhoea land vomiting, a few days before we were due to go on holiday. That turned out great.

YANBU. What really annoyed me was people offering to help - but what it meant as they either wanted to whisk my newborn off fo a few hours, or wanted to come round and look after the baby. In my opinion help would have been saying "you sit there and cuddle your baby, here's a cuppa, don't mind me I'll just be hovering!"

X-posted there, Bertrand. I agree with your last post.

What I don't understand are the GP I read
about on here who are desperate to have a 3 month old overnight. Or the ones who want to give a bottle so much they don't want the mother to breastfeed. Can't understand this kind of thing.

In my own case, I do leave PIL to play with DD alone - she's always been the independent sort, and very sociable. I just don't understand why they'd rather me out of my house altogether, and I can't just get on with some work in a different room.

I rather wish someone would have offered us some help. Family came, cooed for a bit and went. And didn't come that often either tbh. No-one but me and DH did anything for the baby or around the house for us at all. No walks out with the pram to give me an hour, no mini trips to the park, certainly no sleepovers. Maybe I'm strange but I would have killed for someone to have taken the baby for a few hours. Regularly. Maybe that's why I went back to work quite early both times.

I didnt allow my now exes family at the hospital . we didn't really get along . one even called me names all the time . my family came when I was ready for visitors ( c section with both DC) when I was home people came without asking and I was waddling , in pain emotional . none offered help other then trying to take my older DC away she was 21 months when I had ds. I just wanted to be left alone to recover. Second time was worse as I had a really bad infection and nearly ended up I'm hospital again for iv antibiotics . it should be up to mum and how she is feeling. She gave birth

I think you are spot on.
My in-laws landed on our door step the day after I got out of hospital and stayed indefinitely. In the end it was for nearly two weeks. We lived in a flat and they were there all. The. Time.
They sat on our sofa, Ate my treats, drank my non alcoholic fizzy celebration wine and every time I had to feed the baby I had to leave the room. When I came back they were always taking the baby from me to hold him. They also insisted on keeping him with them at night even when I got up and asked for him to come back in with me.
It was hell. And only now ten months later do I think less bout it. It really badly affected me and my relationship with OH as I felt like he didn't support me. The one thing I asked for was a few days just with me my OH and DS but they completely disregarded it. Not even lift a finger to do a bit of cleaning.
I completely feel where you are coming from. Maybe some counselling would be a good idea if you still feel upset about it. I have considered it. Still might go in the future as it made me very angry and that's no way to live x

It is so wierd how these threads go "I don't want my mil to visit me in hospital" "Oh, you are so right to make this rule. My mil once came for tea and she ate all the food drank all the water and all the beer and stayed for 3 years - you can't be too careful!

I'm not reading it like that at all. I think people are just sharing their awful post birth experiences.

It's not about bashing the inlaws, yes mine have annoyed me at times, but then so have plenty of people including my own relatives.

It's just about putting my own comfort above others desires to coo over the new baby.

Isn't it just more likely that women feel less comfortable telling their in laws to fuck off, when they need to be told? They're more concerned with son and baby, so less considerate of the woman who's just given birth than most visitors, who are likely to be her family and friends.

PPs have mentioned their partner's friends. Although I think if I'd just given birth and my in laws shat in a bucket then I would probably tell that story a lot.

BertrandRussell , I haven't RTFT but is it full of boring dramatic birth stories and hate towards the MIL?