To think new mum's needs should come first?

[PostmanPatisacrappostman]

Aibu to think that life shortly after giving birth can often be downplayed?

I'm thinking in terms of visitors and what is expected of new mums. I sometimes see threads on here (I've seen it in rl too), everyone suddenly wants a piece of the newborn baby. They want to visit, hold the baby, sometimes even take the baby away for a while, and sometimes this goes against what the mum wants, but she's called precious and possessive.

New mothers are usually expected to have their door open for a string of visitors when she's knackered and recovering.

Thinking back to when I had my youngest. I'd had a very dramatic delivery, stitches, getting no sleep at all, breasts engorged and nipples feeling like they were falling off, bleeding heavily, baby blues and suddenly there was a queue of visitors waiting to take the baby. I even had my in laws round while the midwife was trying to support my breastfeeding.

Being introvert I find visitors exhausting at the very best of times and I'm convinced that coping with all the visitors in those early weeks set me off on a path to pnd.

I aid to dh that if we ever had another baby I'd ban visitor for the first few weeks until I'd found my feet. It wouldn't have been so bad but no one even so much as made us a cup of tea.

I know I'll probably be called a snowflake but I cannot think of any other time when you'd be expected to entertain guests constantly, it's fair enough if the mother wants visitors, and yes I know it's the dads baby too. Given the mum is the only one who's just gone through the pregnancy, birth and aftermath, aibu to think her comfort should be priority for a little while?

She is High Priestess though, being the giver of life.

Some mothers find it incredibly hard to watch their baby being passed around from person to person. Everything in our psyche wants to protect that baby. Logically we know our family is going to do nothing to harm that child, but logic doesn't always factor. We are still primeval at the heart of it.

Just catching up on replies.

With regards to the in laws thing. Look, I generally get on well with my in laws, they are quite nice, but they might not be the people I want to see the most when I'm in a vulnerable state. I probably would want to see my own mother, because she's my own mum, but there are other relatives of my own I'd want to see even less than the in laws.

I know that it's their grandchild, and there are many, many years for them to get to know and form their own relationship with any children, but I'm also not an incubator for their grandchild, in those early days and weeks I think the main priority should be the comfort, recovery and mental health of the new mother, because she's the one who's just given birth and everything that goes with it.

I guess it really does depend on personalities and relationships, but I don't think there's anything wrong with a new mum asking for some time before she sees anyone, if that's what she wants.

I am still resentful of how everything happened with us. Truth be told I didn't really want anyone holding my newborns, I remember just sitting there for hours while they all held my sleeping newborn posing for photos when I really wanted to be cuddled up in bed with the baby.

Some will say that's irrational, but both mine are independent and happy children now.

in those early days and weeks I think the main priority should be the comfort recovery and mental health of the mother

I couldn't agree more OP.

I remember just sitting there for hours while they all held my sleeping newborn posing for photos when I really wanted to be cuddled up in bed with the baby.

This is heartbreaking. YANBU.

I remember just sitting there for hours while they all held my sleeping newborn posing for photos when I really wanted to be cuddled up in bed with the baby.

Oh, yes, this. I'm a bit weepy remembering how wrong and unnatural it felt to hand them over even to very trusted people. So bad with DC1 (and I thought my feelings were very unreasonable at the time which is even sadder) that I worked harder to protect my space with DC2 and didn't get out of bed with DC3 until day five - though see earlier post re invasions

I found it quite difficult to adjust to having the baby visible iyswim after nine months inside my body. In the early days, biologically at least, you're still one entity in many ways, and as far as I know there's no provable benefit to the baby to spending time with anyone but the mother at first, especially if ebf.

I'm sure if I had been able to hold DC1 more in his first week or so bf would have been easier.

My MIL was a MW. Biggest fucking bitch going, whilst smugly placing herself in a position of authority. Her needs came first, her wants came second, her image comes last. Nobody and nothing else, except her god, matters. So as you can imagine I was very grateful that she lived hours away. So her impact was limited but still the usual, extra long inappropriate visits, no attempt to help, encouraging unsafe practices, etc. At least I didn't live close like her other DIL, even after 3 hours when visiting in hospital with her 3 day old GC having been readmitted with failure to thrive she still wouldn't leave until she'd said hello to the next visitors. SIL never even tried to BF her second, not a lot of point with a visiting schedule like that. And you mustn't object or complain because Mammy is a MW so must be right! Though it still could have been worse, she could have been my MW, some very brave and strong woman managed to take her to tribunal and MIL lost her job several years earlier. It was as I understand it for extreme bad bedside manner think doing an internal without permission in the early stages of labour for starters. So all the nasty sneary MNer's who think we should just had our nb's over I wish I lived in your worlds where everybody is lovely, but I'm glad I'm not your DC who probably know very different

OP if you don't want any visitors and don't want anyone else to hold your baby, why don't you tell them that? They probably think you would like to have visitors! There's no point moaning to a bunch of strangers on the internet if you're not prepared to open your mouth and tell your family you don't want to see them!!

I think new mums should be supported however they feel. If you're ready for visitors on day 1 great, if you want them to leave it's fine and if you don't want any then that's fine too. I had an extremely traumatic birth and was in hospital for 5 days with DD (my only child). I had no visitors the day of birth, then my Mum and brother came on day 2, MIL & FIL and my Dad and other brother on day 3. Then no one until we went home. I didn't see anyone in addition to these people at home except SIL until DD was nearly 2 weeks old. Even then I felt a bit invaded at home, and although I'm normally a very assertive person and would have just said no, I felt completely knocked sideways. And that was with my visitors being considerate, only coming when they'd called first and not staying for hours. People just need to listen to the Mum. It's not being precious to say you want to be left alone!

Totally agree it should be what the individual mum wants as we all have different needs as this thread shows. Ideally yes, you would tell visitors what you want or have your partner (if you have one) do it.

However, I was totally and utterly shell-shocked after my first and could barely speak without crying, let alone tell people what to do.

Not sure what the answer is as I could not have planned in advance what to do either as I had absolutely no idea what is was going to be like to have a baby.

One thing I try to do is always ask new parents if they want me to hold their baby when I visit (of course check it's ok to visit in the first place!). Some desperately want you to take them so they can show them off / get some rest and others would really rather you didn't which of course is fine.

I remember being at a friend's house, clearly exhausted, and her suggesting I take a nap while she looked after the baby. Now I would do that in a second. Then I wouldn't have done it in a million years as I felt I wasn't coping well enough anyway and needing someone else to take my baby so I could sleep would have made me feel even worse. Rambling now sorry, just remember those early days so well!

It's down to the state of the mother and how considerate the visitors are.

My family and friends are a decent batch. They're used to being able to help themselves to teas and coffees anyway.

Both my births had tough recoveries that took me a month to feel human, but generally visits kept me connected and entertained, especially the first time when cabin fever had struck long before the birth from being snowed/ SPDed into the house for the final weeks. The earliest visitors were close enough not to be bothered if I left them to it and staggered off for a nap. Indeed I didn't see our first visitor after DS2. The plan was for BiL to visit in hospital, but the discharge was sooner than expected and he ended up seeing us shortly after we got home. The journey had exhausted me and I slept through the visit.

There is a case for controlling visits in the first week or two, but I do raise my eyebrows when people post about intentions for blanket bans for the first 6 weeks.

In every other situation where someone has just been through something as demanding as birth, we would let the patient set the pace. In the first few days a woman may want her own family to visit HER, not to give them special privileges as favoured grandparents.

However, I think the need for fairness is odd. DP's family are his business, and I deal with mine. I trust him to maintain the level of relationship that he is comfortable with. If I call my mum for a chat, he doesn't owe his mum a call.

There is no 1 correct way of doing it

New mum needs to have the confidence to say no visitors/ i want you to leave now/ i really want your support or whatever she needs at the time

My mil turned up to my house not believing I was still in hospital. My dh gave them their marching orders. She was hoping to catch us out I think. She never asked me how I was either.

"DP's family are his business, and I deal with mine. I trust him to maintain the level of relationship that he is comfortable with"

I agree with this. But it is an incredibly unusual position to take on Mumsnet........

And how does that work once there are children in the picture?

I think the point is, that neither the paternal nor the maternal grandparents have an automatic right to immediate access to their grandchildren.

The grandchildren do have a right to a relationship with their grandparents. But they don't need this at a few days old and it's of no benefit or necessity to the baby to be passed around.

Of course none of that matters if the mum is quite happy to have everyone around her.

I agree op, with my pfb I was too out of it after the birth to even form an opinion I just accepted the guests as and when they came as it was it wasn't too many.
My first visitors where dsil and my mum and I was still high as a kite and only regained function in my legs a couple of hours before and with a catheter.
I hadn't laid out any boundaries or expectations for the birth and after but if there's a next time I will definetly be clearer about what I want.

I was a mess really but I was totally numbed emotionally to care so I can let it go easily enough. I was more upset by my length of stay in hospital, I wanted to leave asap even though I wasn't in any fit state and we both needed observation(not serious I think).

The only thing I resented was the constant stream of phone calls to p at the time while I was in Labour from his friends, it disturbed my peace as well as he kept leaving the room to talk with pil who waited the whole time I was in labour, I was the 3rd or 4th person in the family to hold my child after her birth.

If I wasn't spaced out 90% of the time of think of feel more resentful of the whole experience.

Both mine and DH families were pretty awful.

I think it because last babies were 1970 when Mum stopped in usually ff so got rest.

I did ask both families to put kettle on - MIL would at least make me a drink my own family wouldn't - they'd forget or say I couldn't have one as baby was bf again or asleep in me or I could get it myself.

No-one seemed bothered about my state - I was in pain and exhausted. Constant pressure to ff and comments about house work something none of them had mentioned before. All day visits where they get hacked off I was exhausted.

My IL were odd in that they wanted DH to spend his two week paternity leave doing stuff with them – stuff you couldn’t really do with a baby. They’d had years before and could have done things with just him if they’d wanted. They were most put out he wanted time with me and new baby.

Mum stopped in hospital for a week or so -

I don't know what ate the words there.

Both of my SiL had my mum in the delivery suite with them. They asked her because they trusted her to listen to them and make sure they were looked after when they were in labour. It had nothing to do with equality or fairness wrt my niece's / nephew's grandparents and everything to do with the mother's needs at the time. Which is just right.

Bertrand - It's possible that I have this approach because my parents divorced when I was little, meaning I always had separate relationships with them, rather than as a couple. We wouldn't see the other side of the family except with the relevant parent, for example. However, DP is also of the same mind. I've been heading into town and offered to shop for a present for one of his family, and he's always said that it's not really from him if he doesn't choose it himself. I actually assumed this was a natural way of doing things, but I realise that many other families do things differently.

Now we have DD it is a bit trickier as PIL have different expectations than they used to. They'll come to visit when DP is at work, and don't really make a secret of the fact that they'd prefer it to be just them and DD. I'm not sure what they think they'll get out of that, other than a slightly confused and less happy toddler. MIL is perfectly happy for me to carry her stuff on the way to the station, though!

I agree op, and yes I have totally had the sort of experience you have had in RL,.

Its lovely everyone has had such a positive experience with visitors, Sadly my own experience is something I still live with today because it clouded the happiest moment of my life nad the memory is entwinned and hard to get over.

The grandchildren do have a right to a relationship with their grandparents. But they don't need this at a few days old and it's of no benefit or necessity to the baby to be passed around

couldnt agree more.

and don't really make a secret of the fact that they'd prefer it to be just them and DD

this is really interesting and a comment we see much of on MN.

I don't really expect them to want to see me as much as they do their son and GD, but DD isn't even 2 yet, and we don't live close so it's a while between visits in toddler time.

I'd never come across it before but have seen it a lot in mumsnet since being aware of it.