To think new mum's needs should come first?

[PostmanPatisacrappostman]

Aibu to think that life shortly after giving birth can often be downplayed?

I'm thinking in terms of visitors and what is expected of new mums. I sometimes see threads on here (I've seen it in rl too), everyone suddenly wants a piece of the newborn baby. They want to visit, hold the baby, sometimes even take the baby away for a while, and sometimes this goes against what the mum wants, but she's called precious and possessive.

New mothers are usually expected to have their door open for a string of visitors when she's knackered and recovering.

Thinking back to when I had my youngest. I'd had a very dramatic delivery, stitches, getting no sleep at all, breasts engorged and nipples feeling like they were falling off, bleeding heavily, baby blues and suddenly there was a queue of visitors waiting to take the baby. I even had my in laws round while the midwife was trying to support my breastfeeding.

Being introvert I find visitors exhausting at the very best of times and I'm convinced that coping with all the visitors in those early weeks set me off on a path to pnd.

I aid to dh that if we ever had another baby I'd ban visitor for the first few weeks until I'd found my feet. It wouldn't have been so bad but no one even so much as made us a cup of tea.

I know I'll probably be called a snowflake but I cannot think of any other time when you'd be expected to entertain guests constantly, it's fair enough if the mother wants visitors, and yes I know it's the dads baby too. Given the mum is the only one who's just gone through the pregnancy, birth and aftermath, aibu to think her comfort should be priority for a little while?

"The MIL arrived with a full roast dinner in bags and proceeded to cook for us all including my DPs and even stayed on to clean up and even ran the hoover round. I was surprised I had dreaded the whole visit thing"

Some people would regard that as hideously intrusive and judgemental behaviour!

It's simple really, people should ASK what you want. And stick to it. My MiL kept saying 'give the baby here, we'll give you a break and take her out for the day" - at 10 days. When challenged, she cried and said she was "just trying to support" me. You need to be clear about what you want, and get DH to help you enforce boundaries if you need to

I'm also one who was very lucky. People called before visiting, but I was desperate to show my baby off, and people who visited brought food, and made coffee and did housework! I did make tea for people but certainly didn't have to.

Op I completely agree- it really is overwhelming. I feel that the overbearing family really put on strain on an already stressful time for us. Our DD was poorly and needed an emergency op at 4 weeks, that with it being in January and every relative seemed to have a cold it was enough to make me a nervous wreck for months and thinking of it I think I did have some prolonged baby blues. I'm naturally a massive introvert and the entitlement of some relatives started to piss me off, hadn't heard from them in months/years before DD or when I was pregnant.. not even a congratulations off some of them when I announced I was pregnant and yet when I give birth, I'm expected to open my doors up to everyone!! I also had a bad birth that ended up in surgery, haemorrhage and still issues post birth related today 6 months later!! So I was definitely in no fit state to see anyone. DH and I agreed if we are to have anymore we will tell everyone beforehand we won't be having anyone visit for a while!

Haha, no one was arsed when I had any of mine!

People are so different and there are so many differing expectations around giving birth. Many problems would be avoided if...

...the new parents were clear to everyone about what they wanted, even if it feels difficult to say it
...everyone else listened and accepted what the parents wanted, even if it feels difficult to do it

im a nurse when i had my 1st son one of the midwifes was one of my patients wife,she was on duty but not my midwife,she barged in minutes after i'd given birth to ask what nursing home to put her husband in!!
i wish i'd put a complaint in at the time but iwas to shell shocked

I only took 6 weeks off work and as I'm used to office life after about 3 days I was bored out of my skull and desperate to see anyone at all. DH spent his paternity leave pootling in the garage as he was a bit worried about getting things wrong with a baby.

I think people seem to lose common sense when a baby and particularly grandchild is involved.

I'm an only child so naturally my parents were delighted when I had DS. They came on first day to hospital for shortish visit - absolutely fine, good to see them.

Then they came with my aunt on Day 3 when DS was having real difficulty latching on ( turned out he had tongue tie) and stayed for around 2.5 hrs whilst I was desperately trying to get DS to BF and was in tears for most of the time. My DF cam-corded all of this and I had to ask him to delete it at a later stage as I found it upsetting that he'd not had the wit not to do it, and also that he might show it to other people with my boobs hanging out. He probably hasn't deleted it - but at least I've never seen it again.

They came again for lunch on my birthday which was when DS was about 10 days old. DH was a real trooper and had cooked it all and all my DF seemed to focus on was the fact that the vegetables weren't cooked well enough and that we had no steak knives to cut the pork.

Actually reading back I think the real issue is that my DF has rather poor social boundaries, so yes OP new DMs wishes should be accepted.

I think it's personal preference some people may enjoy having visitors so soon others might not. I do agree that it should be the Mums choice seeing as she's gone through giving birth!

Personally I don't want any visitors at the hospital and I would like a couple of days at home with my partner. Hopefully both families will respect that (I don't think his Dad will but that's another story!)

Definitely agree. I had a horrendous delivery 7 weeks ago, lost a lot of blood, was in a lot of pain following the birth and struggled with breastfeeding as a result of this. We had a constant steam of visitors when I was very ill, including my inlaws who didn't lift a finger, expected endless cups of tea, cuddles with the baby ,commented on the state of the house (when I could still barely walk), grabbed the baby off my husband and fed him a bottle (when I was still very upset at not being able to breastfeed) all in all it was horrible and contributed to the postnatal depression I've since developed. If I have another baby I will be having no visitors for the first few weeks

I am still a bit pissed off about how the first few weeks after I'd had dd went, and she's 10 months now. I had an easy birth, no tears just had and air for the last 3 hours but I really didn't want visitors.

My family respected this, although they did get a peek at dd when I was still in the delivery suite as I had asked DM to bring my nice pillow from home. They didn't ask to hold her or do anything other than say congratulations and they would pick me up the next day (we were living with them at the time and moved house 2 days after)

My in laws however were a different story. One worked in the hospital so didn't have to stick to visiting hours so was there pretty much all day wanting to hold dd. FIL was too late for visiting hours but lied and said he had come from abroad so they let him in. Dd had jaundice and I was hand expressing and syringe feeding which I didn't really want to do in front of others. I got nagged by in laws as to why I was still wearing my hospital gown, why didn't I have the curtain open to talk to other mums it was exhausting and annoying. Then they were at our house every single day for two weeks, or invited us to theirs and sprung additional distant relatives who I had never met on us, and insisted I left the room to breastfeed. If they were at ours they would comment it wasn't very tidy, but not offer to help. FIL brought his latest floozy girlfriend to visit us and she was high as a kite and had drunk half a bottle of rum on the way to visit us (which was our present apparently) I spent a lot of the early days hiding in our bedroom with the baby just to get a break, and to give her a break from being passed around and prodded because they apparently desperately needed to see her eyes open and because of the jaundice she was asleep more than newborns usually are.

Fair enough if you have considerate family members have visitors, but at the end of the day it is the mum who has gone through a pregnancy and birth which although may not have been a huge ordeal you still need time to recover and bond on your own terms. I certainly didn't need all the additional washing up, tidying up and general organising that having guests means, especially as we were still trying to unpack! It is the dads baby too but he hasn't had the pregnancy and birth so he shouldn't get a say on visitors and should go with what the mum wants and needs. A baby is still just as cute after a couple of weeks and by that time mum will have been able to adjust to her new life a bit better. If we have another I won't be telling anyone the due date and I won't be announcing the birth until I am good and ready. I felt overwhelmed and didn't feel able to say no but I won't make that mistake again.

When I had my first I had a horrible, scary labour plus loads of stitches and a baby that wouldn't feed.

Mil turned up at the hospital when dd was 10 hours old with ex's Godfather who I had never met and ex hadn't seen since he was a small child. At the time I just went with it but now looking back I'm horrified that she did that. He was visiting them so obviously it seemed logical to her.

Actually thinking about it she's not got much better. I have just had my third who was born at 5am. Dd1 was with her dad at ex Mil's house for a visit so I texted ex to tell him and get dd1 to phone when she woke up. At 7am my phone rang so I answered it expecting dd and I ended up on the phone to ex Mil wanting to discuss the birth!

If I had an illness now which made the way I did just after giving birth I would be in bed for the week recovering. I genuinely felt like I'd been run over and I didn't have a particularly traimatic birth. Instead I was expected to be up, dressed, looking after a baby on no sleep and entertaining friends and family etc. It's madness. Madness I tell you.

I've never known this "entertaining guests" thing either. When I came home from hospital and had someone come round DH would make the coffee/lunch or people would bring cake with them and get plates etc.

I certainly wouldn't have been made to feel like I had to wait on anyone.

It can be a controversial point, but I agree with Ollie that not all grandparents are equal (depending of course on your relationship with them). I desperately wanted my mum around when I had my first born, but my MIL (who, granted, had recently lost her husband), made it clear she felt entitled to equal/perhaps more time. I have a good, if occasionally strained, relationship with her but right then following a traumatic delivery I just didn't want anyone else around but my own mother.
We're due in December and this time I will ask DH to have a quiet chat with her in advance. Feel slightly shitty about it, but when you've had so little control over the delivery of your little one I think it's important to at least be able to say who you see and when, whether that's everyone, no one or someone.

I couldn't wait to show off my new babies so visitors didn't bother me at all. Although my mil did come for a month each time but that's a different thread.

On my 2nd and 3rd I was home within hours. Had my 3rd on a friday night and I was sat at work on Monday morning.

I have seen lots of people milk it for all it's worth in real life and I was actually banned from going to a friends house as she didn't want her husband to see me out and about doing stuff. She was due 6 weeks after me and boy did she milk it.

PIL & his wife wanted to visit after DS was born. At the time they lived about 1.5 hours away. They turned up with DH's very elderly grandparents in tow. They'd thoughtfully brought a bucket for them to piss in as there's no way they could manage the stairs.

First thing PIL's wife did was pull the blankets off sleeping DS, grab his feet and bounce them up & down saying 'I love babies' feet'. He woke up howling.

FIL turns to me & says 'put the kettle on, then. We're gasping'. DH told him I wasn't doing anything & went to make a brew while I resettled DS. Then of course they wanted to play pass the parcel with DS, FIL holding him like an unexplored bomb.

FIL then suggested ringing DH's 3 brothers & step sister and asking them round while he was there 'to save him the trip to theirs'. We lived in a tiny terraced house with 2 rooms downstairs at the time. DH said no way.

They got out sandwiches & cake they'd brought with them and dropped them on the floor. FIL ground cake crumbs into the carpet with his foot.

Grandad goes for a wee then comes into the room swinging the bucket & asking what he should do with it.

FIL went upstairs to the loo and didn't flush, leaving a nice turd floating for me to find after they'd gone.

The whole visit was like a very bad sitcom. We laugh about it now but I burst into tears as soon as they left.

My parents and FIL were fantastic, but MIL and step-FIL repeatedly came round and demanded so many cups of tea they dirtied every mug in the cupboard (and never offered to lift a finger to wash them up), sent me out post-CS to fetch milk and biscuits for them, both of which they were well aware we never have in the house, and MIL constantly referred to DS as her baby after we'd told her not to. I think hearing her referring to DS as "my baby" was one of the main reasons it took me ages to bond with him. She's consistently narcissistic and generally lacking in empathy though so at least I know her well enough now to know what to expect the next time around.

I asked both sets of gps to give us a week or 2 before visiting (they both live a few hours away). This was mainly because I knew I would feel self conscious with my new baby around my ILs, who are very nice, but reserved, so we're not that close.
Lo & behold but my cheeky fecker parents arrived at the door the day after I got home from hospital - "we saw the photo of baby and just weren't able to stay away" was their explanation. ILs were furious when they found out, and were really shitty with DH. FIL told me it was extremely awkward for them when people asked how baby was and they hadn't even met yet - 4 days after birth.
ILs ended up coming for a v awkward visit earlier than I'd have wanted.
I'm still quite resentful a few years down the line.....no-one gave a sh*t about the fact that I wanted some privacy, and had been through a fairly traumatic birth.
I'd say stick to your boundaries, expect people to try to do what they want anyway. I really wish now I'd just told them all to fuck off!

You are not being unreasonable OP , when I had my first baby,at 21 years of age , my sons dad (wanker , long gone, abusive bastard) left me alone at 3 am just after baby was out , after losing what felt like my whole body weight in blood and fluids I was left alone with this tiny baby and he went home because he was " too tired" only to bring his entire fucking family to hospital in the morning ,( 7am) I still had things stuck on to my veins and was a complete mess , all they cared was the baby , I had him taken off me and passed around and that precious bonding moment I wanted with my son was taken away from me... they kept coming to my house (they lived 3 mins away from me) and wanting to see my son all the time even when midwife came round they were there....
I am now happily married and expecting my second child , 30 weeks pregnant and already told DH, everyone will be helping me up until delivery ,as I need peace and lots of rest. Then after the delivery everyone needs to stay away until I feel comfortable to allow visiting, I don't want anyone around , only DH and DS. We carry the baby feed with our body for 9months it's up to us how to do things once we give birth. Everybody and everything else can wait.

Birth experiences vary hugely, and have a massive impact on how a mum feels post partum, and how her body and mind recovers.

DS2' birth culminated in an EMCS. Recovery was slow as my lochia loss was very high and I had been ill during delivery. Didn't stop MIL, FIL, DSIL number 1 and her boyfriend, and DSIL number 2 and her boyfriend all visiting in hospital, all at the same time, less than 24 hours after delivery. I'd just had my catheter removed, the midwife was weighing my disposable sheet that went under my bottom to gauge the amount of lochia loss, and I and felt dreadful. I didn't get the impression that any of them were prioritizing me. They wanted to see The Baby.

I'very never really understood the whole "all the grandparents should be treated equally" by the mother when it comes to labour, childbirth and recovery.

DH's grandfather died a few days before DC2 was born. We were in hospital for a couple of days for investigations relating to antenatal scan measurements but were still in the brand-new stage when we got home.

The day after we got home, around lunchtime when we had got home after dark, GFIL's family descended on us. They had been meeting to arrange the funeral mass and thought they'd just pop round. We had no notice. I had never even met some of them before.

I was able to countenance GMIL's sitting with the new baby in her arms, because (1) she'd lost her husband only a week before (2) it was her ggc (3) baby was named for GFIL so there was a deliberate connection and (4) I know, trust and love her well. I had to block out the others.

I think they stayed for under half an hour, and DH was on kettle duty, but it was completely exhausting just saying hello to them all.

Worse though was after my home birth. DH started letting people other than the baby's siblings into my BEDROOM to meet the baby within about four hours of the birth. We hadn't even dressed him by that point: we were still in full-immersion skin-to-skin and my modesty was preserved by bedclothes. I am still not able to forgive him years later.

If you like your visitors and aren't particularly assertive, it's very difficult to say "actually I want to go to bed, we'll see you another time".

DC1 was 5 days old and I had my parents, in laws, great grandparent, aunt all down stairs whilst I was crying upstairs to the midwife with mastitis. I didn't see any of them. I'm expecting dc2 now and Im going to speak up this time if it's too much . I do not want that repeating. Fucking awful...