To think new mum's needs should come first?

[PostmanPatisacrappostman]

Aibu to think that life shortly after giving birth can often be downplayed?

I'm thinking in terms of visitors and what is expected of new mums. I sometimes see threads on here (I've seen it in rl too), everyone suddenly wants a piece of the newborn baby. They want to visit, hold the baby, sometimes even take the baby away for a while, and sometimes this goes against what the mum wants, but she's called precious and possessive.

New mothers are usually expected to have their door open for a string of visitors when she's knackered and recovering.

Thinking back to when I had my youngest. I'd had a very dramatic delivery, stitches, getting no sleep at all, breasts engorged and nipples feeling like they were falling off, bleeding heavily, baby blues and suddenly there was a queue of visitors waiting to take the baby. I even had my in laws round while the midwife was trying to support my breastfeeding.

Being introvert I find visitors exhausting at the very best of times and I'm convinced that coping with all the visitors in those early weeks set me off on a path to pnd.

I aid to dh that if we ever had another baby I'd ban visitor for the first few weeks until I'd found my feet. It wouldn't have been so bad but no one even so much as made us a cup of tea.

I know I'll probably be called a snowflake but I cannot think of any other time when you'd be expected to entertain guests constantly, it's fair enough if the mother wants visitors, and yes I know it's the dads baby too. Given the mum is the only one who's just gone through the pregnancy, birth and aftermath, aibu to think her comfort should be priority for a little while?

Nothing like you describe here either, just closest relatives on flying visits. Mind you I am quickly back to normal so happily hit the ground running once I get home anyway so don't tend to get people turning up pretending to be helpful.
I know when I had my last dd the following day I took youngest ds to GP and receptionist was horrified that I had walked there with pram and ds. I told her that in other countries mums had babies whilst working in the paddy fields, give birth at the side of the field, pop baby in a sling on their back and carry on working so was pretty sure a leisurely stroll with a pram wasn't going to be too taxing.
For me I need to resume normality asap or I start to feel down though and baby just slots in to family life.

I thought mine were all ok but looking back my MIL would light up and put her lighter back in her handbag before leaving the house leaving a cloud of noxious fumes and talked constantly about how my SIL would do things. .

Friends wanted to pop in two days before but I just made a pot of tea and asked them to help themselves, one not very close friend put on FB that "she couldn't believe that she hadn't met DD yet" I responded that my own mum hadn't yet and back off (close friends cheered my response).

One friend actually suggested that I have the girls over for a fun night and I cook dinner for everyone when DD was three weeks old.

My own DM was fab, came and stayed in a hotel, was helpful and good company.

My DSIS travelled a long way to visit for a day, we had lunch out as they are big brood and we had a tiny house.

Yanbu.

I said no to visitors with my second child and it was a much better recovery, easier to bf and bond with dd. I won't talk about how wretched it was with visitors after dc1, suffice to say it upsets me a decade on.

YANBU

After a traumatic birth and emergency section, I could only face immediate family visiting. My baby was in SCBU.

To my horror, the resident nosy neighbour came to visit. She hadn't checked with dh if she could visit.

I had to hobble out of bed to take her to see the baby and then put up with her yammering at me for the rest of the visiting period.

YANBU OP. New mothers' wishes should be paramount. It's not hard, just ask them what they want and act accordingly. Some people want visits, some don't.

And i completely agree that not all grandparents are equal here. Women are not just a vessel for the new baby. If a woman wants comfort and support from her mother after she has just gone through pregnancy, labour, birth and the aftermath, then that is absolutely fine. Everyone else can wait.

Grandparents are treated equally, because both have the same degree of kinship to the new baby.

But a woman does not have to treat her own parents and her PILs the same when it comes to matters relating to her own health. There are times when you just want your own mum!

Yes, you need to think about boundaries, so visitors who are a drain either don't get invited at all, others perhaps only briefly. And of course DH can host, maybe go with them to take the baby out for a little walk between feeds, giving the new mother a little scrap of time 'off duty'

YANBU. Totally totally agree. I've seen it in real life. Thankfully my DH was very good at keeping visitors at bay following the birth of our DS, with the exception of one set of friends that outstayed their welcome by hours. Several times I made the "right got to get to bed" steps and they looked like they were leaving, then they'd launch in to another story. Eventually I said "lovely to see you, DS and I are off to bed" and walked off.

I don't think we take enough care of new mothers, physically or mentally. Some other cultures do it much better. Nothing you could say could make me want to relive the first 4 months of DSs life! It was absolute hell.

It depends on so many things but ultimately I think it's the mother's boundaries that should be respected.

Not all visitors are helpful, we had loads in our tiny house after dd was born and I distinctly recall not one drink being made for me. That's not a massive deal obviously but more to illustrate that no one was there 'helping'.

I bitterly regret not standing up for myself when dp insisted his close friends visit the hospital barely 24 hours after my inducted/ventouse/episiotomy birth just after having my cathater out when I couldn't feel whether or not I needed to urinate and ended up having my transfusion set up while they were there because I was desperate to be discharged..... admittedly more of a dp problem but the point being I was most definitely the patient and shouldn't have felt obligated to see people I'd never seen in my pjs before let alone minutes after pissing myself

I don't have my mum anymore unfortunately but I completely understand why a woman would want her over anyone else. It's not for the baby, it's for her.

Back in the early 70s you stayed in hospital for a week. Visiting was restricted for an hour in the afternoon, fathers only. Another hour and a half in the evening. I had my mates from work one day, friends and lovely neighbours on other days. PILs other day, obviously husband as well. It was great, the ward was not divided into separate cubicles like it is today and I throughly enjoyed my stay with the other mums. The nurses took the babies away to be washed every day, took them to the nursery for the first two nights, bringing them to you to be fed. We had lots of rest, three meals a day and I was fit as a flea by the time I went home.

It's very easy to say you should tell people this and demand they put the kettle on etc, but when you're exhausted, emotional and not quite with it it's a different story. I had in laws barge into SCBU unannounced as I was trying to express for dd1. I had in laws barge into my hospital room unannounced when I was trying to get my first sleep in nearly 48 hours, and I was pushed out of my own front door by my PIL so that I could go to the supermarket and they'd look after my 3 day old. Under normal circumstances I would have told all of them to get to fuckery but I just didn't have the wherewithal at that time. And neither did DH. But it was totally overwhelming.

Idratherhaveacupoftea I remember standing in the car park of our local maternity hospital in 1974 with my nan while my mum held my new brother up at the window for me to see him. :)

YANBU

However I don't understand why, if the Mum wants privacy, that she doesn't put her foot down and have it?

I will be very clearly, without room for interpretation, be setting out my boundaries around visitors. If anyone tries to come anyway they'll be politely sent away or I just won't answer the door.

I think we, as women, need to take responsibility for putting ourselves first. Other people aren't mind readers.

I've had a couple of friends who've specified 'no visitors for the first two weeks' or 'we'll tell you when we're ready for visitors' and that's been fine.

If you didn't do this I don't think you can then moan about the outcome?

Have only read the OP but YADNBU! Ultimately it is a big thing for your body to go through and not everyone breezes through it. A bit of thought for the mothers wouldn't go amiss.

I had a traumatic delivery with my first. My siblings turned up with their lunch and wouldn't have dreamed of asking me to sort them out. I was so grateful for the fact they actually thought. ILs turned up, immediately wanted serving (thankfully by DH but no reason why they couldn't have offered to sort themselves out), moaned about trivial shit, brought batshit relative who I find extremely full on at the best of times and generally made it about them. Didn't help it was all around baby blues times (which I thought you felt a bit down, nope, not me, I was a total wreck). Second time they turned up, moaned at DS before they had even set foot in the door, the HV turned up who I wanted to see about something and they just sat there saying it was inconvenient that she was there. As they wouldn't bugger off into another room, I had to go upstairs after section just to speak to her in private. MILs way of greeting me was also to come over, playfully push me and say "alright then." I pointed out I had just had major surgery and she just looked and went "yes?" As if to say "and?"

I do think a mothers health is absolutely the priority after birth. People wanting to see a new baby can wait until the mother feels comfortable.

I think what annoys me most is the notion that some people think a new mum is being precious by not wanting to be overwhelmed with visitors. A couple of posters have described how they were back up and carrying on with life within hours. That's great, if that is how you wanted it. I'm not sure how I'd have established breastfeeding if I'd done the same. Plus, after dd2 my bits felt like an exploded popcorn kernel. Dh and I had a lovely, restful two weeks. He took dd2 to school, then came back and we passed the baby between us whilst he made me food and I sat with my boobs out. We binge watched box sets, went for little walks and took turns napping. I know some women deliver and go straight back out into the fields in some cultures, in others they are put on be dress for 6 weeks. You have to do what is right for you and your family. Being pressured into keeping people away is as bad as being pressured into having lots of visitors in my opinion.

However I don't understand why, if the Mum wants privacy, that she doesn't put her foot down and have it?

If you didn't feel completely shell shocked and sideswiped after your births I don't think I can explain it coherently to you, all I can do is ask that you try to understand some women are and don't have the support network to back them up or even ask what they would prefer.

I'm normally fairly assertive but the weeks/months following the birth of my dd felt like the earth had given way underneath me and completely insecure in my decisions.

Be dress is bed rest - auto fail!

where are the dads in all this? i'm pregnant with my first and will be doing precisely what i want when i am ready - and I will make clear to DH that his job is to protect me from intruding visitors, make sure i have a comfy seat when we do have visitors, and make sure we are catered for tea wise and not getting up for them (unless he wants to do it).

After birth I expect to be fragile and ill equipped to assert myself - but I expect my DH to do that for me.

I saw both sides of this. We live far away from all our family. My Mum came up whilst I was in labour, and my brother followed a few days after. They cleaned the house, did my laundry and all the cooking etc. Was fantastic.

MIL, FIL, SIL, BIL and two nephews arrived after two weeks, and told me they would take the baby so I could get on with the cooking / cleaning etc. I wasn't expecting them to help out at all, but was shocked that they thought that would be OK.

Yanbu! After my first we had Mil fil sil and bil plus their ds over. They expected dh to wait on them hand and foot and when I said their ds couldn't get in the deep splasher pool by himself Mil actually said 'why don't you get in there with him then'. I replied, I gave birth 4 days ago and my 3rd degree tear still has stitches in so I can't. She had the grace to look slightly embarrassed but then fil started in asking me questions about my stitches, the tear, my nipples, but WHY wasn't I breastfeeding etc etc. I just wanted to cry and took my baby ds inside. Was a heatwave and they wanted to parade him around outside in the sun. Bunch of idiots!

"Aibu to think that life shortly after giving birth can often be downplayed?--"

I think it's just as often ramped up as something it isn't as well tbh.

*"Women are not just a vessel for a baby"
*
I couldn't agree more with this. I've felt like this much of my pregnancy. Especially when presenting at the hospital with health complications to be told that the baby was fine so their duty was done. No consideration for my pain. We change our lifestyles, our diets, perhaps even our careers to accommodate our pregnancy. We go through the most painful experience of our lives, often with traumatic elements. We face sleep deprivation which in itself is dangerous and can lead to psychosis. However, because there is a squishy new baby we are asked to overlook this and just let people get what they want.

If a women wants her own mother it is totally understandable. That woman has reared her, seen her naked, washed her, wiped her, held her and comforted her. It is not about "letting" her DM meet the baby before her MIL. At our times of need we just often need our mothers.

I've already been asked if I'm "doing that thing" where no one visits for two weeks. I was a little taken aback. Perhaps I will, perhaps I won't.

"Women are not just a vessel for a baby"

Absolutley

However, she is also not the High Priestess of the Baby, with Power to Give and Withold.

I disagree - I absolutely do have the power to give and with hold my baby. The thing is, I'm easy going. I treat the grandparents completely equally. We very rarely ask grandparents to babysit, only if we have a wedding or big event, so both sets of grandparents get to have the dc when they want and on their terms. Mil wanted dd1 for a sleepover, so dd1 went. But the days immediately after her birth, of course I have the right to say no to a visit if I'm knackered and not feeling up to it. We've said no to pil on a 3 occasions. 1)coming to the hospital when dd2 was born (already explained why in a previous post) 2) to buying our 4 year old a tablet. 3) to buying our 6 year old a kids mobile phone. This makes us massively unreasonable in their eyes. It makes me my child's parent in mine. It might take a village to raise a child but the parents are the chiefs.

bertrandrussell she absolutely is

no-one is entitled to see the baby but her

Babies aren't public property, nor communal property of their extended families.

You can whinge all you like but try taking it to court if you don't believe me. Grandparents, maternal or paternal, have absolutely zero right to see a baby. Everyone else has even less!

I had no visitors at hospital and weeks before anyone came round. It was just us in our little bubble and it was bliss. Really helped my recovery.