To allow DD2 an opportunity which will upset DD1

[LegoWalker]

Possibly more of a WWYD than an AIBU.

Before I left exh DD1 and DD2 were enrolled in lots of expensive dance and drama lessons which exh payed for. I left him last year and I couldn't afford to keep them in the expensive classes. These classes took place as part of a large business which ran many classes so the DCs were always in different classes.

So I managed to find a small local group that does acting and dance lessons which is much cheaper. However the group only runs once a week with larger mixed age groups. This means that the girls are in the same class together.

The DDs sharing a class is already causing friction as DD2 (6) is naturally better at it than DD1 (8). DD2 is also really more popular amongst the other kids there which also isn't helping. This is upsetting DD1 as she is older and she wants to be better than her sister. I have tried to get both of them interested in other activities especially DD1 but they won't do anything else. But every time after class now they are either arguing or DD1 is upset because DD2 has done something better than DD1.

So a few weeks ago there were auditions in class for a part in the local theatre show. I didn't expect much from it as the DCs are still pretty new to the group so I didn't think they would have much chance.

However when I went to pick up the DCs today the teacher pulled me to one side and told me that DD2 has been offered a part in the show. They haven't told the girl yet but hey need to know ASAP if I want DD2 to do it or not.

Now DD2 would be over the moon to do this. However DD1 will be upset that her sister has won a part and she hasn't.

I am not sure what to do, DD2 would love to do this, she auditioned and she earned the part. But DD1 will be very upset about as its another thing DD1 is doing better than her. I could say that DD2 won't do it but what if she isn't offered the chance again.

So would I be unreasonable to let DD2 do the part and upset DD1 or should I say that she can't do it?

I think you should let her do it

Your older daughter needs to be encouraged to develop other talents and praised for other things she's good at but she also needs to accept that her sister doing well doesn't mean she isn't doing well.

I think it is unfortunate for dd1 but wouldn't be fair to deny dd2 the opportunity.

Really tough as she is so young, but I'd let her do it. DD1 is aware anyway.

Let her do it! They are two individual people. You cannot hold back one just so you don't upset the other. Your other daughter will be better at something else, if it's not apparent yet it will be one day. It's not all a competition either. Encourage each of their strengths to the max.

I would keep them both attending, and be casual about it, asking dd2 if she would like to do the part.

Don't discourage DD1 from dancing.

I can see your dilemma but as harsh as it sounds dd1 will have to learn to just get on with it and that some people will be better at things than her however much she enjoys it.
It's a fantastic opportunity for dd2 at something she is obviously very good at and she shouldn't miss out because it's not dd1s calling.
It's the same with any group/sport etc there will always be one who's naturally better at it and always someone else who's upset that they're not quite as good.
Just keep on encouraging both Dds

I would let dd do it. It's very unfair to hold her back because her sister would be jealous. What about encouraging dd1 towards a sport instead? My dd does football for one pound a week. Or Brownies or cubs?

Yes let her do it.
Both girls will experience times when one gets something that the other can't have, DD1 will get other opportunities.
Well done to DD2

Absolutely 100% do it
Your elder SS needs to carve out her own skills and talents, that may take time but should not be at the expense of your younger Dd progressing

You simply cannot take it off your second daughter because your first will be jealous. She earned it, its only fair. How would you have felt if your parent did that to you?

She's not better. She will be at other things. But this is a life lesson. She needs to get over it and you need to have some strong words with her about how she is behaving. She should be happy for her sister.

It wouldn't be fair to deny her the opportunity.

Could you speak to her dad and explain all this and see if he would contribute to classes again?

Let her do it - no question. Self-awareness (including understanding one's limitations) is a part of growing up. You cannot deny DD2 the opportunity. It would be wrong.

By denying her the chance you will have two upset daughters instead of one.

It will be good for dd1 to learn at this age she can't be the best at everything. Letting it snowball would do way more harm.

Ah, sounds very much like my childhood! I would absolutely let your youngest do the part, but I'd tell your eldest separately about it. It's ok for the youngest to be good at something and be recognised for it, but I do know that feeling of being older-but-not-better/popular.

Is drama/dance really what the eldest wants to do, or is it more about trying to out-do her sister? Is there nothing else she'd be interested in, so she'd have her own 'thing' without competition? Piano, singing, swimming, karate - I'd certainly look at local classes to see if anything might be better suited to her own individual talents.

What are you going to do throughout their lives, deny one a chance because the other isn't quite up to it?
Neither go to university because the other isn't smart enough?
Of course you Dd should do the show if she is talented in that area.
You will find something that your other daughter is talented at in time, but for now your other dc should absolutely be able to do the show.

Unfortunatly dd1 needs to understand that not everyone will be good at everything, and at some point she will be better at simething than dd2 and wouldnt she be upset if she werent allowed to persue it so as to not uoset her sister? I think she is old enough to be taught that lesson. Ask her if theres another class or hobby she'd like to do. Research local and affordable clubs before talking to her and offer them as options to give her a way out of this situation of jealousy

Let her do it not letting her is giving in to D1 jealousy that you need to let her work through be light be breezy and don't there there Dd1

And yes try and find something else for Dd1 to do

I'd also let her do it. And try to encourage her sister to be glad for her. Not easy but let her know you are just as proud of both of them (but obviously there's only 1 part up for grabs here).

My oldest DB was a very talented musician. I was a less talented one but somehow my DM managed to treat us in a way that meant I wasn't pissed off at my DB for all the prizes/competitions etc he won. But just because I wasn't as good didn't mean he didn't get his chances to apply for scholarships, go in for competitions etc. And looking back with hindsight, I'd have felt dreadful knowing he lost out because I wasn't as good as him.

What an absolutely horrible situation. Personally, I wouldn't allow DD2 to do it. DD2 will never know but if you move forward, the damage to their relationship could be irreparable.

DD1 has to learn that being older doesn't always mean being first to do something or best at something. Such is life.

I feel her pain. My second boy excels at most sports, which drives my first boy a bit potty. But he's learned to shrug it off and recognizes that he's better at other things.

I think you should let DD2 take the part. Would you let DD1 if it were the other way round?
I know they are both young but life is like that. You can't be picked for everything and others have more natural talent than some. I'm sure DD1 will excel in something else that DD2 doesn't

Of course you should let her do it.