To allow DD2 an opportunity which will upset DD1

[LegoWalker]

Possibly more of a WWYD than an AIBU.

Before I left exh DD1 and DD2 were enrolled in lots of expensive dance and drama lessons which exh payed for. I left him last year and I couldn't afford to keep them in the expensive classes. These classes took place as part of a large business which ran many classes so the DCs were always in different classes.

So I managed to find a small local group that does acting and dance lessons which is much cheaper. However the group only runs once a week with larger mixed age groups. This means that the girls are in the same class together.

The DDs sharing a class is already causing friction as DD2 (6) is naturally better at it than DD1 (8). DD2 is also really more popular amongst the other kids there which also isn't helping. This is upsetting DD1 as she is older and she wants to be better than her sister. I have tried to get both of them interested in other activities especially DD1 but they won't do anything else. But every time after class now they are either arguing or DD1 is upset because DD2 has done something better than DD1.

So a few weeks ago there were auditions in class for a part in the local theatre show. I didn't expect much from it as the DCs are still pretty new to the group so I didn't think they would have much chance.

However when I went to pick up the DCs today the teacher pulled me to one side and told me that DD2 has been offered a part in the show. They haven't told the girl yet but hey need to know ASAP if I want DD2 to do it or not.

Now DD2 would be over the moon to do this. However DD1 will be upset that her sister has won a part and she hasn't.

I am not sure what to do, DD2 would love to do this, she auditioned and she earned the part. But DD1 will be very upset about as its another thing DD1 is doing better than her. I could say that DD2 won't do it but what if she isn't offered the chance again.

So would I be unreasonable to let DD2 do the part and upset DD1 or should I say that she can't do it?

DD2 will never know

What that you did a shitty thing and pandered to her big sisters jealousy? Would you ask the teacher not to ever tell her she won it fair and square so you could hide your deceit?

Or would you tell her she won and couldn't do it because her sister was jealous?

You must let her do it. It may be that DD1 just hasnt found her thing yet... they are individuals and treating them equally doesn't always mean treating them the same.

If you prevent one child doing something because the other will mind, you're not being fair to either of them. What do they learn from that? And where does it stop? One can't go to a birthday party that the other wasn't invited to? On can't have a friend over if the other has no plans?

I would emphasise to dd1 that this shouldn't change her enjoyment of the activity by and that whilst the classes are mixed age the role will have been chosen by age so she wasn't in competition with her sister.

I would strongly advise finding another activity for dd1 - maybe brownies? Something that is a bit more grown up maybe

There's no point in having her miss out.

She'll only improve if she's that good and, at 8, dd1 has a better chance of bouncing back and getting used to it.

Don't wait until she's a hormonal teen. Eventually she will miss out on something.

You do her no favours pandering now.

What an absolutely horrible situation. Personally, I wouldn't allow DD2 to do it. DD2 will never know but if you move forward, the damage to their relationship could be irreparable.

Not necessarily. As I said upthread I watched time and again my DB getting prizes and scholarships and awards. My DM managed the situation in a way that made me feel ok about it. I used to sit through really long competitions and concerts and although I was bored witless, I never resented DB. And I noticed one family when DD was at school who had 4 DDs. They were all encouraged to have their 'own thing'. And were praised for that. So one was into music, one into swimming etc. And the others attended each others various concerts, tournaments etc. They would all cheer for each other which I thought was so sweet.

Let DD2 do it - and promise DD1 that while she's at rehearsals etc, the two of you can go off and do 'grown up' things, like having a coffee and a browse round the shops.

The one-to-one time with you might be enough to distract her from feeling jealous; she will also be having something (time with you) that her sister isn't getting.

You should have nipped this jealousy in the bud ages ago. As it stands YABVU for limiting one daughter to pander to another. You need to parent them both and that means telling DD1 that she can't be the best at everything.

I don't think letting DD2 do it is a hard decision. It is the ONLY reasonable decision. The hard thing is how to deal with it and what to say to DD1. Are there things that DD1 is good at? Cycling, running, maths, telling stories, being funny, being kind? When this happens to me - DD is 2 years younger but more 'able' than DS, I just go on about how good DS is at other things, and how as a family it's great to celebrate everyone's talents. It helps sometimes to say - well I'm useless at ...,blah, but like you I'm good at ...blah etc. She may be upset, but learning and bringing your kids up is not about preventing them from every possible upset, it's about helping them deal with it.

I found reading the book Siblings Without Rivalry enormously helpful in dealing with a similar situation.

It is really tough but I would let her do it. It would be unfair for her not to as she earned it you'll have to explain to DD1 which will be difficult but all the best :)

I think you sound like a lovely caring mum. I only have one child and these sort of things must be really tough and I don't know what the answer is but I've got a feeling with you as a mum both of your girls will turn out just fine.

Let DD2 do it.

Let DD2 have her moment. It will be hard now but much harder later on if this sets a precedent

I cannot begin to imagine why you would not let her do it. There really is no sound reason at all for that. There is no decision to make. She passed the audition, got the part and that is that. End of.

You really must think hard about your approach to these girls. They are who they are and have to learn to accept that. Now would be a good time to start.

DD1 will have other chances to shine. If you now denied DD2, you'd have to then deny DD1 in the future to remain fair.

Let her do it.

When my 2 both auditioned for a show we primed them that it was often about "look" and fit rather than just how well they did - they needed the right mix of boys and girls, tall v short etc, they don't just take the 10 "best". We thought DS had a better chance than DD, but our preconceptions were wrong and DD was picked.

Don't put DD1 off from putting herself forward again. She may surprise you, and if she goes for enough opportunities, some may well stick. Encourage other interests too if you can.

My younger DSis was much better at sports than me ( and this was my parents thing too). I remember being pleased for her but a bit fed up that this meant she got all my DPs attention. I was good at lots of other things, but never really felt I got my DPs approval.

However, you must let your DD2 do this as she has had the success in the audition. As a PP mentioned, use that opportunity to spend a bit of 1-2-1 with her as being the eldest that rarely happens and will be a big treat.

I have tried to get DD1 interested in other things but she won't do them. It doesn't help that whilst she tries her best at everything she isn't really good at anything.
The dancing and drama she has been doing classes since she was 4 but she is still middle of the pack in this local class and most of the DCs there have had significantly less lessons than her.

They all do swimming and are in different classes but DD2 is catching up to DD 1 there as well. Again DD1 tries her best but she just isn't very good.

We tried rainbows but DD 1 got bored and didn't like it.

I have tried telling DD1 that I'm proud of her for doing her best (because I am) and that I love. That she will find things that she is better at. I tell her all the time about all things she is good at.
But once she sees DD2 doing better than her she just gets so upset or jealous or cross because she is older and should be the best.

I'd let dd2 do the show...shes worked hard, auditioned and won the part, to deny her this will make her resent dd1 and you.

explain to dd1.... they're still new to the group and lots to learn, and with regular practice, she can audition next year and may get a part then. She should use the fact she has her sister at home as a positive....they could practice even more together at home and have fun and try out what they have learnt in class.

It seems unanimous apart from one person to let her do it.

And as to that one person, who came out with this gem

f you move forward, the damage to their relationship could be irreparable

No, what would cause irreparable damage would be removing the opportunity from this child and her finding out about it and knowing her mum did that to her because her sister was jealous. That's irreparable. Other parents could know she won, it could come out. That's the kind of thing you never forget. The fact your sister is better than you at dancing at six is just part of normal life and when they are older will be irrelevant and prob something to laugh about.

You absolutely have to let her do it, it's shitty to even consider not telling her to be honest.

She either finds something just for her or she accepts that she can't be the best at everything, she just hasn't found her thing. I get it's hard but she is 8 and pandering to her jealousy would be grossly unfair

Could dd1 try a musical instrument? I would think that would be something she would pick up better than a 6 year old...

What an absolutely horrible situation. Personally, I wouldn't allow DD2 to do it. DD2 will never know but if you move forward, the damage to their relationship could be irreparable

She could well find out. And if she doesn't find out now, what about the next time? Why hold back one child just because the other isn't talented at that particular thing?

Those kind of sibling rivalries are something you just have to learn to negotiate. When I started to learn to ride horses, it was all I wanted to do, and I so wanted to be talented at it. Except I'm not, not really. My brother however was just totally natural and a much better rider than me. In this case he's actually older, but that wasn't what made him better. 30+ years later and my brother hasn't ridden a horse in 25 years. I have my own and do well with him in local competitions. We both learned that hard work will get you further than talent alone. (Though to be a world beater you need both, but that's life). We also made sure we both had our own things.

However they work it out, they'll have to work it out. And along the way they'll learn a lot about how unproductive jealousy is, and how to be generous to others. Don't hold DD2 back because of DD1. And make sure DD1 has her own things so she can develop her confidence.

But once she sees DD2 doing better than her she just gets so upset or jealous or cross because she is older and should be the best

There is no reason at all that she should be better merely because she is older. She needs to learn that NOW.