To allow DD2 an opportunity which will upset DD1

[LegoWalker]

Possibly more of a WWYD than an AIBU.

Before I left exh DD1 and DD2 were enrolled in lots of expensive dance and drama lessons which exh payed for. I left him last year and I couldn't afford to keep them in the expensive classes. These classes took place as part of a large business which ran many classes so the DCs were always in different classes.

So I managed to find a small local group that does acting and dance lessons which is much cheaper. However the group only runs once a week with larger mixed age groups. This means that the girls are in the same class together.

The DDs sharing a class is already causing friction as DD2 (6) is naturally better at it than DD1 (8). DD2 is also really more popular amongst the other kids there which also isn't helping. This is upsetting DD1 as she is older and she wants to be better than her sister. I have tried to get both of them interested in other activities especially DD1 but they won't do anything else. But every time after class now they are either arguing or DD1 is upset because DD2 has done something better than DD1.

So a few weeks ago there were auditions in class for a part in the local theatre show. I didn't expect much from it as the DCs are still pretty new to the group so I didn't think they would have much chance.

However when I went to pick up the DCs today the teacher pulled me to one side and told me that DD2 has been offered a part in the show. They haven't told the girl yet but hey need to know ASAP if I want DD2 to do it or not.

Now DD2 would be over the moon to do this. However DD1 will be upset that her sister has won a part and she hasn't.

I am not sure what to do, DD2 would love to do this, she auditioned and she earned the part. But DD1 will be very upset about as its another thing DD1 is doing better than her. I could say that DD2 won't do it but what if she isn't offered the chance again.

So would I be unreasonable to let DD2 do the part and upset DD1 or should I say that she can't do it?

Oh yy to possibilities of being involved backstage. The techies were the really cool ones in my university drama society. My dc1 isn't keen on performing (despite quite a flair for it), but he loves the idea of directing.

Is she funny? Is she good at making people laugh? Comedy is a rare and precious talent. There's so much in life to be good at and, most of all, interested in.

I agree with pp that you should let dd2 take the part.

It is hard though..my dd are 3 and 5 and into the same things. Dd2 is better even though she's only 3. They don't have activities together because I won't allow it. It's hard because dd2 has picked up swimming and cycling very easily, and dd1 is upset. So far there's nothing dd1 is better at. We are quite worried dd2 will overtake dd1 academically in a couple of years. So I feel your pain. As parents we want them to have equal talents, but this is not always the case.

Exh isn't involved at all in the DCs lives. It's difficult to find something that works financially and logistically that DD 1 will agree to do/ enjoy.
She doesn't want to go to marital arts classes.

I try to bake at home with but she won't always do it as she would rather be playing games or watching tv.

You don't have to go to classes, cook at home with her. Then if she feels she needs competition or to show her food off. You can take her stuff to bake sales and she can help sell it or enter into local baking competitions. Research recipes over the internet, there are lots of sites with ideas to get kids involved in cooking.

What an absolutely horrible situation. Personally, I wouldn't allow DD2 to do it. DD2 will never know but if you move forward, the damage to their relationship could be irreparable.

I actually believe the opposite. The envy will only grow and DD1 will learn all she has to do to sabotage DD2's life is to object to something she is doing and her mother will stop it. Then DD2 will learn as others have said above that she can't share anything good about her life with her family for fear of DD1 getting upset.

Encourage the cooking and let that be a segue into other activities. For example gardening is a natural addition to cooking. As is science, learning about how plants grow and photosynthesis etc. Practical science experiments can seem similar to cooking except with the addition of learning about the chemical reactions involved.

Well then if she doesn't want to do scouts because it's boring or martial arts or bake because she wants to watch TV then maybe she's just going to have to put up with it for now.

You're not obliged to find the holy grail activity that she's going to amazing at.

Maybe she isn't going to be amazing at anything! And that's fine! Or if she is, maybe she'll figure that one out for herself later on.

I had a few activities organized for me when very young but the ones that stuck were those that I took up myself nearer 13 or so.

I think you just need to take the heat off. If your older daughter starts banging on.about needing to be better because she is older, just shut her down and say you're not interested in who's better.

It's not up to parents to find out the "amazing hidden talents" of each of their children - that's up to the individual themselves. All you should do is show support & enthusiasm for whatever she wants to persue.

Could you explain to dd1 that a lot of the time with local shows they audition people but sometimes it comes down to who fits in the costume. It might make her feel a little better. (Whether in this instance it is the truth or not)

I think you need to have a serious talk with your DD1. At 8 she needs to start learning about being a sore loser and that some people including her sister will be better at some things but she will be better at other things and that the bickering is unacceptable.

Have you been tiptoeing around DD1 because you're worried about the impact of the divorce on them and the loss of the activities?

I probably have been tiptoeing around all the DCs more because of leaving exh. It has been a complete lifestyle change for them. They don't see their dad anymore and probably won't for a long time.
We moved from a nice house where they all had their own room to a small house in a rubbish area. They have had to change schools. The DDs went from going their activity 4 times a week for a couple of hours with all the best equipment to having to go twice a week in a sports hall type place where they knew no one else. It's been a massive adjustment for all of us.

You can get professional support if they have effectively had the " bereavement" of losing their dad and no longer seeing him
Get some advice via gp maybe counsellor

But no reason for dd2 to miss out if she has been picked.

It's understandable and quite a common reaction. And yes in that situation kids should be shown love, understanding and patience.

However, they also need normality which includes pulling them up on bad behaviour. If you just pander to them because you feel bad that wont be helpful to them. Especially when your DD1s behaviour is having a detrimental effect on your DD2.

Good luck Lego.

I agree you should let dd2 do it. But I don't like some of the suggestions to encourage dd1 away from dancing if it's something she enjoys. Fine to encourage other interests as well, fine to let her drop it further down the line if she decides she wants to, but steering her away from it now will: 1 teach her that if you aren't the best at something straight away you should stop; 2 create more resentment/insecurity with her sister since she will always feel that because her sister was better than her she lost the opportunity to do something she enjoys; 3 they are both very young and doing this as a hobby for fun. Dd2 could decide she hates dancing in a couple of years time, dd1 could go on to be really good at it - it seems a bit to early to pigeon hole them, even though at the momentdd2 is showing natural talent.

It sounds really hard lego but i think walking on eggshells so you dont upset them could make her more fragile her new normal will be a hard adjustment but not letting her sister do something because she might be upset won't do anybody anygood ride it out if she says its not fair acknowledge her feelings and move on you cant let kids sit in stalemate so nobody gets upset.

After my divorce I tended to assume that my kids would be bothered about all the losses in our lives that I was bothered about. After a particularly difficult incident we had a big heart to heart. Turned out they were most bothered about the inconvenience of their parents living in separate houses. Mine were 17&15 so older than yours.

But they were always (and still are) very competitive sisters, and their bickering drives my now DH crazy

If your DD1s jealousy is new, it MAY be related to your divorce, but don't assume it is. You need to find ways to help her learn to cope with this, either way, because you and her DF are not getting back together and no matter how much she plays up, that won't change.

However, if she sees she can play up and get a lot of Mum's time and energy she will continue and it will escalate. She may be feeling a bit 'Malcolm in the middle' as you also mention an older DS. She may also be starting to 'enjoy' hormonal changes. (My DD2 started her periods at 9 and DD1 didn't until she was 12, so another thing that her younger sister was 'better' at!)

What I'm saying is that whether you are divorced or not, kids of all ages will disrupt your world. Sometimes in amazing ways, sometimes in shitty ways. All have to be dealt with as part of life. This is just part of being a parent. They need love, consistency and boundaries. And you need to accept you won't get everything right all the time. If they see you make mistakes, then cope and move on they will all develop life skills more valuable than winning parts, prizes or being top of the class.

I'm with livefornaps, not all children have a dazzling talent anyway, and as long as you provide them with a few different options of things to do, then that's fine and if you have less money, these may be free afterschool clubs rather than expensive lessons.

I think it's more important for children to be valued in their own right. It's hard being a child who isn't quite as starry or as academic or as talented as a sibling, but it's very common. I think the way to go is to make them see that everyone is valuable just for being themselves, I don't value one of my dd's because she's talented at anything, I value her because she's my dd, it's not conditional really. Of course I love stuff like the fact she's a hard worker, very good friend, social butterfly or whatever but I still love her anyway.

Definitely emphasise that the dance is to enjoy and being good or not is not relevant. I would get her doing something on her own purely to cut that link with her sister. But keep her in the dance thing.

There are loads of activities my kids love but they're not going to take any of them up as a profession! It's about enjoying themselves.

As the older sister with the more talanted younger sister, and also Mum to 2 girls the younger being exceptionally talented, I feel for both you and DD1.

However, you must not deny DD2. My DD1 would absolutely agree with me. She finds it very hard and is more than a little envious but also very proud and encouraging to her younger sister.

Did anyone see Mini Monet Millionsire?

Extremely talented teenaged painter and elder brother, worth £2,000,000.
The whole family's life revolves around him.

Thank you all for your replies.
I told their dance teacher that I want DD 2 to take part in the show.

I am going to tell DD 2 tomorrow then tell DD 1 separately as suggested so DD 2 has time to digest it before hand.

Good idea. Be careful to make sure DD1 doesn't go moaning to DD2 before you've had chance to tell her and spoil that moment when she finds out.

Ds2 has just been accepted onto a sports team ds1 has been trying (and failing) to get onto for 2 years. Ds1 is a bit gutted. He's been hugged and told (not in so many words) to suck it up. There are lots of things he does better than ds2 (some because he's older, some because he actually just is) but ds2 is allowed to shine too.

Please don't give dd1 the impression you feel bad for her - be sympathetic but clear that she needs to follow her interests and let dd2 do the same. And if she enjoys dance and drama she shouldn't not do these things because dd2 is better at them.

Ah, sounds very much like my childhood! I would absolutely let your youngest do the part, but I'd tell your eldest separately about it. It's ok for the youngest to be good at something and be recognised for it, but I do know that feeling of being older-but-not-better/popular

Yes, I was that DD1 throughout my childhood & adolescence. From a large family, and it was clear that DD2 had talents in the same area as our mother, and that our mother found DD2 the easiest of her children. Children notice these things.

You can't fairly stop DD2 from participating, but you really need to find out what DD1 is good at & that she enjoys, which might be different from DD2. And then you will have to support it, in just the same way as you are supporting DD2.

It's tough being the eldest: one can't help feeling "replaced." Don't let DD1 feel she is less than her sister - your OP has that potential.

You now need to work hard to find what DD1 is good at, and support her in that. You may need to offer her some ideas & possibilities. Be proactive. Otherwise, you are setting up a very painful situation for her.

And don't dismiss her sense of being second-best. You may want her to learn that she is different from her sister with different talents, but up until now, they have been treated as equals. Don't underestimate your DD1's feelings about this, and don't tell her she is wrong/selfish/jealous for feeling the way she does.

Thank you for the advice.

I told the girls today.
I told DD1 first by herself. She was very upset and kept saying that it wasn't fair and she hated DD2.
I told her that I understood that she was disappointed but doing activities like this sometimes means that others will get things that she auditions for, and that she won't always be right for the part because sometimes they are looking for a certain type of person.

Eventually she calmed down and I told her I expected her to be kind to her sister and act pleased for her.
I then told DD2 and she was so excited and happy and DD 1 congratulated her.

A bit later on I caught DD1 telling DD2 that everyone in the class would hate her for winning the part and that she will probably be rubbish.

So I sent her to her room and comforted DD2. I spoke to DD 1 a bit later about why what she did was wrong even if she's upset about it and she apologised to her sister .

You are doing a great job of handling this.

Although it really won't feel like it, it sounds like DD1 jelousy of DD2 needed challenging.. DD1 will benefit in ways she won't understand.

I think you have handled the situation really well. Excellent plan to tell DD1 first and give her time to absorb the news. I would come down very hard on DD1 for her unkindness to her sister, though. It's great that she apologised but I would keep a very close eye on that sort of meanness.

Well handled, this could really help her move on with this issue and being able to apologise is a great step in overcoming the strong feelings of envy and jealousy.