To allow DD2 an opportunity which will upset DD1

[LegoWalker]

Possibly more of a WWYD than an AIBU.

Before I left exh DD1 and DD2 were enrolled in lots of expensive dance and drama lessons which exh payed for. I left him last year and I couldn't afford to keep them in the expensive classes. These classes took place as part of a large business which ran many classes so the DCs were always in different classes.

So I managed to find a small local group that does acting and dance lessons which is much cheaper. However the group only runs once a week with larger mixed age groups. This means that the girls are in the same class together.

The DDs sharing a class is already causing friction as DD2 (6) is naturally better at it than DD1 (8). DD2 is also really more popular amongst the other kids there which also isn't helping. This is upsetting DD1 as she is older and she wants to be better than her sister. I have tried to get both of them interested in other activities especially DD1 but they won't do anything else. But every time after class now they are either arguing or DD1 is upset because DD2 has done something better than DD1.

So a few weeks ago there were auditions in class for a part in the local theatre show. I didn't expect much from it as the DCs are still pretty new to the group so I didn't think they would have much chance.

However when I went to pick up the DCs today the teacher pulled me to one side and told me that DD2 has been offered a part in the show. They haven't told the girl yet but hey need to know ASAP if I want DD2 to do it or not.

Now DD2 would be over the moon to do this. However DD1 will be upset that her sister has won a part and she hasn't.

I am not sure what to do, DD2 would love to do this, she auditioned and she earned the part. But DD1 will be very upset about as its another thing DD1 is doing better than her. I could say that DD2 won't do it but what if she isn't offered the chance again.

So would I be unreasonable to let DD2 do the part and upset DD1 or should I say that she can't do it?

It doesn't help that whilst she tries her best at everything she isn't really good at anything

Why does she have to be good at it? I'm not particularly good at singing but in a choir I can hold a tune and singing is fun. There are lots of things I'm not good at but I like doing them because they're fun. Not everything in life should be a competition.

I would absolutely let DD2 do it.

In my case I have DTDs. DTD2 is very sporty, and DTD1 feels left behind. However, DTD1 is extremely gifted academically, and rubs her sister's face in it DTD2 feels left behind there. I would never deny either of them the chance to grab any opportunity should it present itself, that's part of growing up.

You have to let her do it. It sucks for DD1, but that's life. If DD 2 is naturally good and wants to pursue the opportunity to do it more she shouldn't be held back.

You sound so lovely Lego. And are doing all you can to make DD1 feel good enough in her own right by letting her know you are proud of her etc. We don't have to be bloody brilliant at stuff or even good . All that matters (or should matter) is enjoying yourself, trying something new etc. Having a go and then finding out you are so-so at it is fine. I hope eventually DD1 gets the message you are giving her. Also point out that age doesn't determine how good you are at something. At that rate there should not be 8 year olds who are a zillion times better than me at playing the violin. But there are. Loads of them. Hopefully in time DD1 will realise she can let her sister have these opportunities without feeling jealous.

Let her do it. Both my kids auditioned for a big show at the theatre and only one got picked. It was harsh but that's life.

The one who got picked has gone on to do other show/performance stuff whilst the one who didn't does more athletic hobbies now.

If poss, try to steer away from listing all the things she is good at and telling her that she will find things she is better at. Focus on whether she enjoys it and what she's getting out of it.

I used to think school was basically about proving how clever I was over and over again. Odious. It's about learning - what goes into your head, how you grow. Same with activities. So what if it takes a bit longer for some than others?

Of course you should let dd2 do the show. You can't hold her back cause her older sister will have a tantrum. Dd1 needs to learn it's not all about her. If her sister is good at something then that's it, it has no relation to her being bad at it.

Hmm.
I'm a bit concerned that this class appears to be so very competitive at such a young age of the attendees. 'Middle of the pack'? Shouldn'T it be more about fun, self-expression and working together at this age, not a sort of mini-version of RADA?

I'm also a bit worried about how you say dd1 'just isn't good at anything'. Nobody is not good at anything. I think what you mean is 'she is not as good as her sister at the things traditionally considered achievements'.

I'm not going to advise you to not let your dd2 do the part, but I do get where the poster who said not to let dd2 do it is coming from, because I can see a dynamic developing here of the little sister in the sunshine and the older one in the eternal shadow. And I think you have to respond to this a bit more proactively than just suggexsting alternative activities and going along with your dd1's really quite poignant determination to keep trying in her hope for her own bit of the sun.

Musical instrument is a good idea - woodwind or brass - something dd2 quite simply won't be old enough for. And when she is old enough she should be asked to pick another instrument because clarinet/cornet/bassoon/whatever is dd1's thing. Or perhaps your dd1 is more technically minded - might she get into coding? What are her interests? You need to think beyond the dancedramaswimming traditional set of child accomplishments. Is she drawn to advertising, or film? Great art supplies and lots of catalogues and magazines to collage from, a basic video camera. Does she have a fab sense of direction and space? Geocaching, later Scouts, parkour. Is she very empathic, kind, a good listener? Get her interested in social justice, people who have done brave things in difficult situations. There are all sorts of ways to help her find her 'thing', and I believe that having a 'thing' (or several) is a great influence on happiness. Could you talk to dd1's teacher and see if there is any way of getting her picked for something really special at school? Not in a pushy way, just a heads-up about rhe situation with her sister and using it as a way to boost her confidence.

Do you really need to think about it?

If it was at work and you went for a promotion, got it and then were told you can't have it because the other person in the office tried as well and would be upset.

I would speak to dd1 first, amd say that you do expect her to be pleased for dd2 and to say something nice, although you know she would have wished to get a part too. Then you talk to dd2 (a little while after telling her about the part and celebrating it with her) and remind her to be kind about it and understand it might be difficult for her sister but you are very proud of her. Then you work hard in the next few months to find an interest for dd1 that she does without her sister. Her time will come. You can explain to dd2 that dd1 needs to have her own spheres sometimes. Although, when they both do things, talk up both their talents. For example it annoys me when people end up thinking one of my dds is 'more academic' than the other, when actually their grades are almost directly comparable - I keep having to remind the 'less academic' one that she is actually not! And the 'less sporty' one that she too can enjoy and be good at sport! The 'Siblings without Rivalry' book is good on that point. After all, your dd1 is doing brilliantly to be middle of the pack in her groups - that's a great achievement and nothing to be sad about.

Dd1 will at some stage find her talent. Problem is right now, she's only interested in competing with dd2, not in finding what that is. Lots of chats and hugs about her being an individual and how everyone shines brightly with at least one thing. My dd is an only but she's very competitive when she talks. I steer her to the thinking that yes, perhaps friend x is not so good at activity a, because she's good at activity b or c and it isn't possible to be good at everything. You sound like a really caring mum, who is agonising over doing the right thing. And as almost everyone agrees, the right thing is to tell dd2 she has a part and tell dd1 separately.

I would let DD2 do it. As somebody who enjoyed performing arts growing up but, by own admission, was never going to win an Oscar, you have to accept quickly that a) some people are just always going to be better than you, even though it sucks when that person is your younger sister(!) and b) you can do things just for the fun of them and it doesn't have to be a competition. Plus it's a hobby that DD2 really enjoys so it ultimately wouldn't be fair not to let her do it.

It's an absolute no brainer , of course she must be allowed to do it , otherwise what was the point of letting them audition . The older sister will have to learn that being older doesn't necessarily make you the best at something and eventually there will be something that she is better at .

Let DD2 take the part, she's better. That's life and she shouldn't be punished or denied because the competition is her sister.

I too would definitely let her do it... jealousy is not a good reason to deny another a chnace to shine.
I have four kids... the eldest three are only a year apart GirlBoyGirl and the two girls are academic high fliers... both went on to RG universities..one's now a doctor, the other got a first in a different medical field. My son in the middle struggled at school, and always felt ..and said.. he was 'the thick one' :(
BUT he loved music... so we encouraged that...and now, he works in special ed with me, not well paid, but in his spare time he does gigs, gets paid for his fabulous voice and guitar playing. He travels, and both his sisters admire and envy his talent! They are massively proud of him and he has discovered his own path.
You sound lovely and I'm sure in time your DD1 will find her own pathway...

Another no brainer here from me. Dd2 earned the part and worked for it, i would certainly say dd2 is doing the show. I would also not insist that dd1 is expectedto be hapoy for her or say anything nice either.

If these were my girls, i would have a heart to heart with dd1 about why she gets jealous and how to deal with those feelings constructively.
My dad was an extremely competitive person, he encouraged competition between me and my sister and as a result i became quite an attention seeking child. Deep down i felt a failure if i wasnt 'winning' at something.
There will be plenty of things dd1 will do brilliantly and stopping dd2 performing in the show will not make dd1 any better at the activity.

Let your DD2 do it. They are very young and obviously very different. In time DD1 will find something she excels at that DD2 isn't interested in.
By not letting DD2 do it you are favouring DD1 over DD2. You cannot do that.

I was the second child..My sister was not as outgoing , not as bright ..Didn't want to do half as much as I did.
I would only be allowed to do certain things if my sister did ( not quite same situation but similar) ..Did I resent her yes..

I am telling you this simply as lots of focus on how DD1 feels but DD2 will resent it once she finds out..She might not find out of this opportunity however on this path she will find out. She may well feel she isn't good enough for the part when actually she is.

I can see your predicament; however, I think this is your perfect opportunity to help DD1 get over her jealousy and that it is ok for her sister to be better at things. She seems very stuck on the idea that she is supposed to beat her sister at every opportunity because she is older. But really it's about having fun and learning new skills. And she'll have to realise that there may always be someone who is better at some thing or another. And she will be better than others too.

Don't deny DD2 a great opportunity to keep her sister happy!

Let her do it.

The older sibling often lords it over the younger one anyway in ways you may not no about. My sister always picked on me when mum wasn't looking.

Why cant DD2 be allowed to excel at something just because her older sister is jealous?

DD2 should definitely take the part.

Agree with pps that DD1 could try a musical instrument and then make sure DD2 chooses a different instrument a few years later so they are not competing.

I am sad that you say DD1 is not good at anything. There are a million things she hasn't even tried yet. She hasn't found her niche. Encourage her to try other things. Photography? Pottery? Cooking? Cycling? Rock climbing?! The list is endless. Keep suggesting and encouraging until something appeals to her...

But once she sees DD2 doing better than her she just gets so upset or jealous or cross because she is older and should be the best

Missed that bit. She already does lord it over her younger sister because she is older and thinks she should be the best because of that.

Nip it in the bud.

I was the DD2 in my family. My elder sister resented me for having talent in gymnastics and dance, and so my DM held me back from advancing in either of these. I also had more friends, but I was never allowed to talk about them or invite them over "in case DD1 got upset"... it was a horrible way to grow up. My DSis to this day still feels envious of me, and I can never share anything good that happens in my life with her. I can't help but think my mother should have handled it better, let my sister deal with her issues earlier on.

Please let DD2 have her moment to shine. She auditioned fairly and got the part. She deserves it. I agree with PPs that helping DD1 to find her own special talent is important. Look into unusual activities. Everyone is good at something. Good luck.

I agree DD1 wouldn't have to be good at anything and she could just do it for fun but she is the one that wants to be good at something. I tell her all the time how good and kind she is and that I'm so proud of her.

The class isn't competitive at all this is the only audition they have till they are teens. They do a couple of shows but everyone gets a part. I have just noticed that she is in the middle of the group. But I have never mentioned it to her and I tell her how great she is and how proud I.

I don't think I could afford certain activities such as music lessons/buying an instrument as they are a lot of money. I have an older DS1 who does scouts and goes to a film club but she isn't interested. They all tried art club but DD 1 didn't like it because she isn't good at drawing.

We did a cooking class once for 4 weeks which she enjoyed but I don't have anyone to look after the other DCs so that she could do it now.

I know I can't take this from DD 2 I just feel so bad for DD 1 because I know she will be upset again.

It's strange because DD2 and DS 1 aren't competitive at all and I'm not either but DD 1 just has this thing in her head about having to be good because she is older than DD 2.

It's a no brainer.

You are being very unfair towards DD2 for not allowing her to do the show just to spare DD1s feelings. They are partaking in a 'showbiz' world and you will do them no favours by sheltering them from knockbacks. I know this isn't the West End but if you are going to allow your daughters to participate and audition for roles, then they also need to understand how to cope with failures and to have the grace to congratulate. DD1 is going to end up being the jealous, green eyed monster at this rate!

I would be LIVID if my mother did this to me - you are basically putting the stops on her ambitions and hobby for the sake of her sister's feelings. I don't think Maddie Zileger's mother ever did this to Mackenzie and vice versa (google Dance Moms)

Whether your daughter is good or not, she clearly enjoys her classes and I would definitely allow DD1 to continue.