To allow DD2 an opportunity which will upset DD1

[LegoWalker]

Possibly more of a WWYD than an AIBU.

Before I left exh DD1 and DD2 were enrolled in lots of expensive dance and drama lessons which exh payed for. I left him last year and I couldn't afford to keep them in the expensive classes. These classes took place as part of a large business which ran many classes so the DCs were always in different classes.

So I managed to find a small local group that does acting and dance lessons which is much cheaper. However the group only runs once a week with larger mixed age groups. This means that the girls are in the same class together.

The DDs sharing a class is already causing friction as DD2 (6) is naturally better at it than DD1 (8). DD2 is also really more popular amongst the other kids there which also isn't helping. This is upsetting DD1 as she is older and she wants to be better than her sister. I have tried to get both of them interested in other activities especially DD1 but they won't do anything else. But every time after class now they are either arguing or DD1 is upset because DD2 has done something better than DD1.

So a few weeks ago there were auditions in class for a part in the local theatre show. I didn't expect much from it as the DCs are still pretty new to the group so I didn't think they would have much chance.

However when I went to pick up the DCs today the teacher pulled me to one side and told me that DD2 has been offered a part in the show. They haven't told the girl yet but hey need to know ASAP if I want DD2 to do it or not.

Now DD2 would be over the moon to do this. However DD1 will be upset that her sister has won a part and she hasn't.

I am not sure what to do, DD2 would love to do this, she auditioned and she earned the part. But DD1 will be very upset about as its another thing DD1 is doing better than her. I could say that DD2 won't do it but what if she isn't offered the chance again.

So would I be unreasonable to let DD2 do the part and upset DD1 or should I say that she can't do it?

Of course you should let your DD2 do it. Just a reminder that Andy Murray is younger than Jamie ...

Your DDs are close enough in age that the older one isn't always going to be better at something than her sibling.

I wonder if you could find something for her to do that's for older children where her sister is too young to participate? A martial arts or cubs as she's old enough for that? Much more fun than brownies

Absolutely NO WAY should you hold back DD2 to pander to DD1's insecurity/jealousy!

There will be somethings that DD1 will excel at - she just hasn't discovered what yet.

You and ex DH need to work on DD1's jealousy and rivalry. Sad to say as she's only 8, but perhaps there is a reason why she is not as popular as others - is she being nasty about DD2 to others, for example?

Also maybe enrol the girls in different dance clubs/classes so they aren't doing the same things. It may be a bit of a pain logistically (maybe dad could ferry one daughter or ask the older sibling) but if it id going to ensure both daughters can participate without one being the green eyed monster and the other being held back because her sister may cry at her success, then it may be worth looking into.

But DO NOT refuse your DD this opportunity. Her happiness is just as important as your other daughters.

Could she do an instrument such as flute that your younger one is simply too young to do.

My eldest dd is fantastic at dance but doesn't really enjoy it so she stopped about a year after her younger sister took it up. Dd2 loves dancing and to me at this age that's more important than excelling.

I think dd1 saw how much dd2 enjoyed it and realised she didn't feel the same so decided to quit.

Its curious just how many parents are willing to hold back a younger sibling to save the elder from being jealous.

Would you hold the older one back from something they were good at to save the youngers feelings ? Or would you tell the younger to stop it because the older one is better because they are older?

I wonder if Mr and Mrs Milliband faced this dilemma. Such an innocuous decision, yet decades later the ramifications were huge

The thing is if you don't let her do this, before long it will be something else. If DD2 is talented then she'll get picked for other stuff too.

I'm not sure how you help DD1 but she will have to learn to live with it.

As an aside, it's important to make sure DD2 doesn't rub DD1's face in it but that she is allowed to be happy and proud of herself without feeling guilty.

If she enjoys cooking maybe you could spend time with her at home - maybe cake baking and decorating? She could take biscuits to school etc. Then she may get praise from others too

The younger siblings, in dance and the like, are often better than the elder. Very common situation.

I think you have to let her do it.
What's the age range in the class? And what sort of dance, just wondering about the structure there

"Another person's success is not your failure." A good lesson to install for future happiness.

I think you should let her do it.

But I do appreciate the issues. It's not just about the part-which you can tell them that they needed a younger child etc. It's more about dd2 seems to be pressing dd1 out of the class. If dd1 finds that dd2 is getting the friends, the opportunities etc. she will feel inadequate at that.

For my dc, I tend to try and avoid having them in the same class. That way they have their own group and are much less rivals.

I do feel (I'm middle dc) that it can be very hard for the older one to have a younger one in a class that is competitive-which a drama one is.

If the older one "wins" then people expect that. The younger one often gets praised for trying etc. The older one is often expected to keep quiet about triumphs so not to expect the younger one.

They get equal-the younger one effectively has won because people will see them as getting the same at a younger age.

The younger one wins-well they're clearly amazing and the older one is expected to have the maturity to cope.

I would talk to dd1 about doing something that will be hers and hers alone. It could be a different acting class-or maybe a musical theatre one. Or maybe something totally different-tennis lessons or something. I think giving them the space (for all siblings) to be themselves without a sibling there is quite important.

I was about to suggest the same as Anti.

She might enjoy having your attention whilst you cook or bake together, and as she's older than dd2 she'd soon be able to follow a simple recipe on her own.

I do feel for you, and her. It can't be easy, but as everyone else says, it's only fair to let dd2 have a chance at doing what she's good at.

I guess it's about working out the best way to keep dd1 happy at the same time.

I would let her do it but as someone else said, be quite casual about it and maybe find a way to say something to DD1 along the lines of they needed a younger girl to play the part so she wouldn't have got it anyway, or something? I have two DDs a similar age so I feel your pain! With mine it's always the younger one trying to keep up with whatever the older one is doing.

Is there a different drama class DD1 could do instead? Could you speak to exH and ask him to contribute?

You can't hold your DD2 back when she has a talent for something just because DD1 doesn't have the same talent. Say DD2 turns out to be more academic - will you be asking her to deliberately get answers wrong on her homework so DD1 isn't put out...?

What about martial arts op? If she has a big personality it could be perfect for dd1 and could do wonders for her confidence

My child is in the same ballet class as her older sibling (2 years older), as she started the syllabus at a younger age (3) and moved through the grades rapidly, she's also done well in the competition circuit, a\nd sometimes in the large combined age sections they'd find themselves competing, sometimes one won, sometimes the other. Dd1 doesn't mind, she's better at gymnastics, so I think it's about finding something they are good at, perhaps.

Yes I would let her take the part BUT of course your other daughter is good at something! Everybody is good at something & it's important that it is recognised.
She may also need reminded that you love her for her "just as she is"

MY girls have the same 2 year age gap and both were heavily involved in dance shows from 2 and 4 respectively. DD2 was always better than DD1, and always more popular. In the end DD1 gave it up of her own accord. DD2 has gone on to theatre school and wants to do drama at college/uni. DD1 is going to art school. So they both found their own way in the end. I can feel every inch of your pain as you watch DD1 disappointed but you have to let DD2 do it. I think its great that you are trying to protect their feelings though, that's just how it goes eh?

It's a bit shitty of the theatre company that they couldn't find some sort of role for EACH girl...

I'd go back to them and see if DD1 can be some sort of 'extra'... Just a thought...

You should let DD2 go for it but you need to do something for DD1, whether it's taking her out during rehearsals, or seeing if she can get involved backstage, or finding something else she's good at. It could end up with DD2 being the golden child (not intentionally) and DD1 feeling worse because she's not noticed. It happened with me and my sister and messed me up for years. Eventually I picked up playing the drums and flute. My sis also played drums but I was good, and hitting drums made me feel good, and flute ended up being my thing. I also got involved in theatre behind the scenes, while my sister wanted to take the stage. Backstage was amazing!
It's only been in the last 6 or so years that I've become proud of my sister and how far she's taken her talent, but a lot of that was a process of distancing myself from it for a long time.

I'm not saying this will happen, but it's something to bear in mind to make sure it doesn't happen.

The thing is we can't see into the future. It might spur her on to really engage with something she can excel at. Or it may make her see that when your worst fears happen, you can cope. Or .... Well anything, we just don't know.

If she likes cooking - that's a good one, because you can with some legitimacy claim dd2 is still too young to be trusted with hot pans/knives etc - get her cookbooks (from the library perhaps), encourage her to experiment with flavours, let her watch old Masterchef and GBBO episodes on Youtube. It doesn't always have to be expensive classes. (But particularly with music there are often access schemes which enable dc without sufficient financial means to have lessons/instrument hire etc - ask at school or google).

I have 3DC, DS is almost 13, DD1 is 10 and DD2 is 6. They all attend a dance/stage company group.

DS always gets more opportunities as there are fewer boys for the parts to be shared between. He has a fantastic voicemail auditioned (but didn't get in to) the National a Youth Choir.

DD1 is a fantastic dancer works hard, anything physical she will keep in until she can do it. She is nit a strong singer.

DD2 gas bags of character and dings very well for her age.

I emphasise that physical attributes they can't help. For professional shows we usually have 2 teams of children and they need to match their "opposite"; sometimes there is an arbitrary age limit. DD2 is missing out on a show opening this month as they want kids age 9, they are using kids aged 8, but DD2, who is almost the same size as the 8/9 year olds, and in the same class as very able, can't do the show as she is 6. Sometimes you just don't have the "look" they want.

I always praise DD1 for her singing progress, she has improved massively, but she will never be strong. She had one audition (only for practice, we knew she was too young) and I was astounded at his she performed.

It is hard for them, but a life lesson they can learn now.

Oh dear, I really should proof read.