To wonder why my children are like this?

[Spudthecat]

I have 4 children they are so so badly behaved, I can't go anywhere without being humiliated due to their bad behaviour, I will be sat at the bus stop and they will be running around in a circle screaming, or hitting eachother and fighting, I have I repeat myself constantly 5/6 times before they listen to anything I say, I will be walking round the supermarket and same as the bus stop they will be running around screaming, I never see children like this, only mine, it's got to the point that I can't go anywhere as they are always causing a massive scene, I've lost count the amount of times I've had to get off a bus or leave a shop

Looks like normal children behaviour to me. Children are not bad, no punishment needed. Have you tried to be yourself at the bus stop for 1h sitting down with nothing to do without a book or phone? That's equivalent to 10' for them. Might be good to think about lowering expectations and let them be if they are not really disturbing anyone.

So in 6 months their dad hasn't bothered with them, I assume before this he was living with you? and you've had another baby, that is quite a lot of change in a relatively small amount of time. How was their behaviour before dad left? and how are the older ones at school?

I agree with PP's that some one on one time with each of them may help, I know that's a lot easier said than done but it doesn't need to be big things. I'm one of 8, mum used to split her time with us so while baby was cluster feeding she might sit and read with one of us, or watch TV with us, sometimes she'd stick a film on while feeding baby and we'd all snuggle up together, DB2 who is autistic would often be sent to fetch things for mum if he was getting fidgetty (snacks, tissues, glass of squash, it made him feel important), one of my Dbros would often make desert while she was cooking dinner so they were alone in the kitchen, then the little ones would go to bed and whilst I had my bath/got ready for bed mum would spend time with Dbro and then he'd go to bed and I got my time.

OP - your child with ASD is not an average child and therefore conventional treats and rewards will not work. I have three DS(7); DD(4) and DD(1). My eldest has ASD and attends a special school and finds most situations bring on terrible anxiety which leads to a disintegration of behaviour - removing treats does not work; punishing or shouting does not work as he's not behaving badly for the fun of it but because he is so overwhelmed. We manage it by having every situation planned out; always have food; avoiding triggers. But there are two of us and only three children. This is what has helped for us:

1. Getting a disabled child's social worker and applying for respite - you will have an assessment and with four children and no partner you should stand a decent chance of getting it. We get eight hours a week every school holiday with transport.

2. Do you get DLA? This can really make a difference financially especially as it tops up tax credits too. Before I could drive it meant being able to take a taxi rather than a bus; it meant I could apply to the Family Fund.

3. Does your three year old get the 15 hours at nursery? If you have caring responsibilities you can qualify for the 30 hours even without working.

4. Are there any charities in the area that offer days out for children with disabilities - DS is going to one activity a week with specially trained volunteers. Once DD becomes 5 she will be able to go along too.

I'd imagine that you are exhausted with a no baby and little support. Things always feel worse when you are tired and have no time to be yourself - you don't know where you end and your children begin. Cut yourself some slack - I've had terrible comments about my son's behaviour in the past but until you have a child with autism you don't understand how difficult things can be - so people judge and you feel like shit. You need practical help and support not parenting classes.

Those ages, you must be exhausted. Stop taking them out if you can.

Younger ones are most likely following the lead of eldest. If eldest doesn't get pulled up, others think it's ok.

Do you take them out often? are they over excited at the adventure? if you do have to take them with, speak to them before you go, offer a reward for good behaviour at the end of the outing & if they act up give them two warnings then make sure you follow through. It's hard, but they need to know mummy means business.

Just need to be super strict with them. If not, they will only get worse.

Have to keep to a very strict routine. All children need boundaries.

Good luck xx

You need to start strict discipline for the bad behaviour. Find something that will get to them, something that they will miss and take it away for the bad behaviour and don't give it back until they have behaved. You could also start a rewards board list things on it that they could do and if they do them on their own then reward them for it.

The thing is though this won't work straight away, you will probably find that if you started this tomorrow things would get worse before they get better because your kids won't be taking you seiously and (depending on age) will probably be a little confused as to why Thier behaviour was acceptable before and isn't now. You might find it hard for a few weeks but If you stick with it then they will eventually stop. You've got to be strong though! A few weeks and you could change the way they behave.

I know where you're coming from op I've dealt with my fair share of kids who don't behave and it's so emotionally and physically draining and embarassing, you can do it though!

Greenbols - your DM sounds amazing.

One thing which really helped with DS1 was flipping out of the negative cycle- notice and praise every positive thing they do (along with sanctions/consequences for the negative). It starts a virtuous circle.

Apart from that op, I think you are a superhero

One thing I would add is that I wouldn't personally promise sweets or sweet treats in exchange of good behaviour
Not only will you be constantly dishing them out probably causing a sugar high but they will only behave if there is a physical reward.

The biggest mistake is making a threat and not carrying it out. "I'm going to count to three and if you don't stop we are going home" then the kid carries on regardless and the parent does nothing. NO. You make a threat and carry it out. My kids responded to this very quickly and are pretty good most of the time. But if I have to count to three they know they have pushed me too far. So they stop.

Not easy Op. hope you're ok.

You have my sympathies OP. I have just one badly behaved child and that's bad enough. He's fine in public but behind closed doors he smashes up the place and bites me. Taking away toys achieves nothing in our case, he's not that bothered and seems to get more enjoyment out of upsetting me so continues to push it. The other child seems fine so I think it's a personality thing in our case. I get people complimenting me on their good behaviour but they don't know the truth! It's just relentless.

How are you spud?

You need super nanny!!!

With those age gaps it sounds like they're all competing for some parental attention and want it even if it's negative attention. Can you find a way to give each child some time with you or your partner on their own? This will give you a chance to adapt your parenting techniques for each child too- what works changes as they age after all.
I appreciate that will be a very tall order with 4 and one a baby!
Consistency is your friend, also I have learned the hard way that sugar does not help parenting at all. My LO will behave terribly on a sugar 'come down' in ways he just doesn't otherwise so it's reserved for treats and never after 5pm or when out and about if it's just me in charge. This applies to breakfast cereals too.

All woman Definitely re cereals.
I didn't realise that Cheerios small bowl I think is a third of an adults recommended sugar intake for the day.
On weekdays its either porridge, Weetabix (which still has added sugar) or Shredded Wheat with a drizzle of honey if need be.

Being a single parent is hard! And four is a lot to handle and I'm guilty of giving into things for an easier life. It will be hard work but once you give a threat you need to follow it through. If you aren't gonna follow it through then don't say it at all. tje only thing I've found that works for mine is to take their favourite items away but be prepared for hours of can I have it back. Would they sit down and you say there are gonna be some changes. RewArd positive behaviour ignore less bad bad behaviour but flooding the floor and eating an entire cake that's not good.

Jeeez, I just hope you're ok. Managing 4 on your own is not enviable regardless of asd diagnoses. If you can, contact local children's centre (provided there still is one) and ask what support may be available. Going through this on your own with a very young baby. Be kind to yourself x

Don't show Fear. Don't show anger. Definitely do not smack. Use positive reinforcements and a distraction method. When my 2 were little and would randomly engage in some 'Battle Royale' type behaviour in Tesco simultaneously twatting one and other with a French baguette, crying, and some dramatic lying on the floor protestations....I would do this.

ME: Shhhhhhh.....Wait. What's that? Shhh. Can you here that? Is it a mouse? Quick...Help me look..... No? Lets dance...

I would distract the crap out of them.

When kids are little. Pick the fights carefully.

I have four kids. I have DTs and there is only three years between all of the children.

Our house is run like boot camp, but the kids are usually impeccably behaved. If they play up, which is now rare, there is punishment and real consequences.

I've never smacked. I don't advocate yelling either but like any parent I've occasionally lost my shit.

You need DISCIPLINE and CONSEQUENCES. Children NEED boundaries - to control their behaviour, and to help them feel safe.

They also need quality family time.

Shouting at a child does NOT work. Telling them what the boundaries are, and what the consequences of pushing them will be, absolutely does work.

Set it in stone now because you'll face hell on earth when they're teens.

Record some of the old Supernanny series with Jo Frost, she has some good advice. Just remember that she was never there to work with the children, she was there to work with the parent to enable a calmer, happier child and house.

It'll be bloody tough on you all to change the way that you live, but the rewards will be worth it.

OP you must be exhausted honey, do you have any family around?

SongforSal

You sound like shed loads of fun will you adopt me?

Start small. Try to make one quiet, calm hour in the day - maybe when the baby is napping. During that time, the other children are helping you tidy up for a short time, then they are allowed to do specific things - colouring, playing a game, reading a book. If anyone gets stroppy, they go on the naughty step for five minutes. It'll be really hard at first because they aren't used to it, but you need to stick with it and help them learn to behave differently.

Oh my I really do feel for you you must be exhausted 😩 I have one ds aged 7 and I Dred the weekly shopping trip. Do you have family or close friends who could help out with children when you need to go out 😣

A bit of a left field suggestion but I suggest these helpful self hypnosis downloads. There are lots to choose from. It will help you feel better and make good decisions about how to deal with the kids. Have a browse through I like this one www.hypnosisdownloads.com/parenting-skills/motherhood

Don't beat yourself up Op, you're going through it at the moment.

when my daughter used to play up and have tantrums my mantra to myself was, this too will pass, i just have to ride it out.

be strong Op and ignore them when they're screaming and shouting and if other people don't like it they can look away and block their ears.
the times i did this with my daughter and her tantrums were legendary...and long! when she realised her tantrum wasn't getting the reaction she wanted she'd soon stop. i also used to walk out the room when she was in full flow, my reasoning being if she hadn't an audience then she wouldn't perform. she soon stopped when i did that.

she's fifteen now and we still go head to head sometimes but not very often now.

you've had some good advice on this thread and i feel that people on the whole are sympathetic to what you're going through at the moment and i hope it won't be very long before your little ones settle down and you get yourself sorted.

my little horror has turned into a lovely, caring and warm hearted person but it was extremely hard while i was going through it.

be strong Op and remember that you're the adult and, THIS TOO WILL PASS 💐