To wonder why my children are like this?

[Spudthecat]

I have 4 children they are so so badly behaved, I can't go anywhere without being humiliated due to their bad behaviour, I will be sat at the bus stop and they will be running around in a circle screaming, or hitting eachother and fighting, I have I repeat myself constantly 5/6 times before they listen to anything I say, I will be walking round the supermarket and same as the bus stop they will be running around screaming, I never see children like this, only mine, it's got to the point that I can't go anywhere as they are always causing a massive scene, I've lost count the amount of times I've had to get off a bus or leave a shop

But what consequences are there for their actions?

So there's no punishment or consequences? Just the telling off? Well, that's your answer! Time out, loss of screen time etc. - actual punishments. If there's no consequences for their behaviour then why would they behave?

Ok so youngest is fine, just a baby. And also at ten weeks old will have had a recent impact on the children's life. Likewise the 3 year is just on learned behaviour mode the older two are doing it so he will. For want of a better way of putting t break the older two and the younger will follow by example. Does your oldest receive any support from outside services?

Internet shopping is your friend from now on. Iceland deliver next day for free over £35 and do not include a single treat in it for the foreseeable future. Treats are just that- it is also never a good idea to reward children with sweets.

What do the older two do in their free time. Are they creative, video games , outside play?

You need for effective discipline strategies, telling them off clearly isn't working.
Consistency will be the key. If you threaten something, follow through. Try and make the sanction immediate, and fitting the 'crime'.

At those ages, there must be a fair bit of bad behaviour you can stop by just removing things or holding onto the dc. I would not let a 3yo run around at a bus stop at all: I would either hold him (on my lap if baby is in stroller, otherwise standing next to me) or have him on reins. Reins can come off once she learns to behave. In fact, I'd be tempted to threaten reins for the 5yo and 6yo too. Yes, it babyish- but then they have to learn not to behave like babies.
Once on the bus I would make sure 3yo sat next to me, and the other two in the seats immediately behind if at all possible.

Also, make sure you praise/reward for good behaviour.

And Booboo makes a good point: it is worth thinking about the positives of your older children's lives. They need a positive outlet for all that energy.

They're quite young. I think you need a clear routine and less things like supermarket trips. Use online deliveries!

Give the older ones a short list for shopping trips and set them tasks e.g. Find the bananas etc (when you get to that aisle). You really have to actively engage them at that age so they don't piss about. It's very intense and hard.

My mum was a single mum and she basically took us to the park and on trips all the time to wear us out.

Maybe some parenting classes would give you some strategies to try. It does sound like a lack of discipline to be honest.
Ask your health visitor about classes.

I work in a school and 'catch them being good' is what we all try to love by. Positives for any positive behaviour however small. Try and divide and conquer so of one being badly behaved have an immediate consequence e.g. Sit one of the dc out and they have to watch the others play until they've had their time out or thinking time.

Sounds awful OP. Please don't beat yourself up about it though. They just need some rules, consequences and guidance. Think about what will best work for you, and them.
E.g. sticker charts to earn rewards, 'time out', taking toys away, no electronics, etc. Do your research online if need be, and you'll find some ideas. They also need clear instructions prior, on what is and isn't acceptable. If or when they misbehave, remind them of the rules and consequences. You then follow through with those consequences as soon as you can. I'm not going to lie, it will be hard to start with, but things will not improve if you don't keep at it.

Also a little tip to help at home. Set up play areas. Have something out constantly in different areas of the room/house (train track set up on the floor, playdough on the table, pencil and paper on another table, books on the sofa, play food in another area etc). Also keep the tv off, I know we're all guilty of leaving it on all day (myself included). Less tv helps concentration, and their imagination.

Sympathies Op....I have 3 and they were all sods....it does get easier...mine have grown into decent young adults... so dont despair too much.

Look up ASD strategies and implement them across the board. I also have four and even on their own they can be unmanageable in supermarkets etc. One definitely has ASD, one is awaiting assessment, one probably Utah refusing to engage, the other too early to say but can safely be described as 'spirited'.

I have plans, lists, am working on a picture timetable etc. The seven year old gets handed a schedule every week with school, meals, trips out etc. We stick to it and he does better with bedtimes and trips out if he knows they are coming.

Never make threats you can't follow through.

A good incentive scheme works wonders. Mine can't fathom sticker charts or pocket money, so I work on toy tokens. Stick up a picture of the toy they want and they collect tokens towards it. They can only be earned, they can't be taken away because they have worked to get them... but it's not easy to get them. I have a list of what it takes to earn one.

I feel like I run a children's home at times with all the signs up everywhere but it has made a difference.

*but, not Utah.

You poor woman, you must be exhausted just stopping the fights.

Plans put forward are good one,

School and no outtings.
Shop online or when the children are in school.
Just buy vegetables and fruit, no treats at all.
The young ones won;t know about it, the older 2 will realize that something has happened. when they paddy for sweets, bend down and tell them that because of the way they act they won't get any.

If your going to school, I know you can;t turn round and go home, but we only have a few more days of school. So if they wont sit nicely and wait for the bus, round them up and go back home, I once let kids I was a nanny for fill a trolley with nice shopping and at the last minute they played up, I said sorry to the customers service and left the trolley and walked out, happened twice, after that the treat of me doing it was enough to stop them.

Tell the eldest off if she plays up and just get back in the car and GO HOME, after this happens a few times she will realizes it's her fault she loses out. Ask them to get ready to go out, tell them a time and set the cooker alarm, tell them if they are not ready to go then you won't go. It is just a case of making sure if you say this will happen it does...

This sounds like an utter nightmare. They are all close in age so it must be totally exhausting for you. I agree with another comment about not taking them anywhere until they are calmer. To get them calmer, think about their daily routine . Strict bedtimes, routines, regular meals at the table. Cut out anything which might be overstimulating them, additives, fizzy drinks, sugar and make sure their diet is healthy and cooked from scratch. Sounds exhausting, but food is really important in all of this. Don't let them watch TV until you have got a handle on this. What kinds of things do you do with them at home? Introduce quiet activities, reading, drawing, play doh, lego. Praise their efforts and make the time you spend with them calming and reinforce good behaviour and concentration. Then take them to the park and let them run off their energy there. I really think routine and a quiet environment at home with no screens etc really helps. You have to find a system of punishments
/consequenes that works for your life and really stick to them. Enforce them calmly and don't back down. Don't shout and don't reward bad behaviour with attention. Give attention to good behaviour. Ask them to 'help' you with little tasks and give lots of positive reinforcement so it feels like you are working as a team. Ask them to help lay the table, put the washing in the machine, carry pegs to peg out washing. Wipe a table etc . If they are bored they will whine and fight, so the trick is to find activities suitable for their age which will take up their attention. It's really hard to balance four young children as a lone parent. Try to get an afternoon a week to yourself if you can, maybe ask family to look after them for a while. You need time to recharge your own batteries.

Op, I think you have answered your own question, there is no punishments, no rewards, no carry through of threats. They misbehave because they know you won't do anything. Just shout, and if they shout louder, they have learned they win.

A punishment is not a smack. It's removing something they want, it's not letting them go to something they want. Removing a privilege.

no discipline is why they are like this.

I would strip out their rooms and the house of their toys and fun stuff and extra stuff. Lock them up somewhere. Garden shed?

Strip the house of cakes and treats and sweets.

Tell them they can start to earn their stuff back, one thing at a time, for good behaviour. Good, long term behaviour is the goal. And kids who behave like rude, spoiled, disrespectful, destructive heathens don't deserve treats. They can eat 'regular meals' and fruit for snacks.

Seriously. Hold the line. I had a friend do this when her boy was driving her over the edge - stripped his room of pretty much everything really helped.

They mentioned parenting classes when dd was first diagnosed but it seems we've been forgotten about since, as soon as she was diagnosed that was that, don't get any help at all, the 5 year old is definitely the ring leader, he constantly winds dd up and due to her asd it results in massive meltdowns, I have to admit there was no punishment over the cake just mean shouting again as I am the end of my tether, she's also stared urinating around my house again meaning I can never have a nice home

There are many ways to achieve good behaviour.

I don't punish. My kids are quiet- especially when out - only run and make a noise in appropriate places like the park.

Lots and lots of great suggestions, I just wanted to say that I struggled at those ages, and still do at times, to control 2 lively boys when they are together (they are each a pleasure when on their own ) so lots of sympathy for you having to cope with 4... hope there are some ideas that work for you and/or

Wow! An awful lot of judgie folk out here tonight. OP. You have 4 kids. IT must be hard to keep control. Have no advice (I only have one small child so in no position to advise) but I do send flowers 🌺

Your 6 year old are they at school? Do they get any one on one time with you?

Ok OP your in control here. Everything is going to get better I promise.

*chase up the parenting classes

What does your son do for fun (other than wind up his sister)

You need to talk to your son and set a consequence for his behaviour. Something simple like this behaviour will result in the wi-fi being removed.

Something you can enforce.

While I don't agree with everything she does try and watch some of the super nanny style programs. If only so you can see your not alone.

Where is the children's father? Involved? Not involved?

Mate, youve got 4 very young kids, including a tiny baby and youre doing it all on your own, thats hard enough, not to mention the fact that your eldest has autism. I know how hard that is.
Please dont beat yourself up. Youre doing the best you can, with a large family in difficult circumstances.

My 3 have ASD, and I find it a complete nightmare if i have to take all three of them out at the same time. Its hideous, and mine are all older than yours.

My advice is to do your shopping while the older two are at school as much as possible or do it online and get it delivered, and when you have to do outings, make them places you can get to easily. Prep the children about behaviour, keep praising good behaviour and tell them how happy theyre making you when they behave. Also stop giving a fuck what other people think, theyre not important.

It might be worth asking your GP if they can refer you to get a family support worker. I had one for a while, and found her really helpful.