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Original poster

to want to cry after my ds end of year results

154 replies

Bigglassofwineplease · 11/07/2017 16:16

My ds came home with his report. 11% for English and less than 50% in every subject other than RE. I had sat down with him, helped him make notes, tested him etc. He seemed to have a good knowledge and I am heartbroken that he only managed such low scores. I want him to be empowered by realising that working hard achieves results but he really has a CBA attitude. He starts his GCSE's in September and I am dreading a battle in him fulfilling his homework and lesson expectations. From September I will have to take away his Xbox as I did in the run up to these end of year exams..but will it make any difference? We have a strong relationship but I am so weary with nagging and reward schemes and consequences and punishments. Do any other MN's have sons who have turned it around from 14-16? I need to be inspired that my energy is directed in the right way for the next 2 years. I am looking into the tutor route but I don't have a lot of funds. I help him all the time and did well at school and Uni so don't understand why he won't put the effort in. He gets up for school fine every day, doesn't appear tired, doesn't smoke or do anything else to the best of my knowledge and is happy with his friends and has a stable home life. Deep sigh.

OP posts:
Chocolatecake12 · 11/07/2017 16:20

How does he feel about his results? Sometimes getting low results gives them a kick up the bum and they realise that they have to work hard to get the results.
It's so frustrating when you help all you can and they still can't be bothered.
Have you told him what type of job he's likely to get with bad grades? And the avenues open to him with better grades?

ChilliMum · 11/07/2017 16:28

Not my ds (he is only 6) but my brother had a lot of potential, was very bright but had a cba attitude at school.
He left school with OK but not good gcse''s, spent a few years doing dead end jobs and then sometime in his mid to late 20s he got married, became a father and pulled his finger out.
He is 40 now, a company director and is just about to finish his degree which he has been doing the hard way for years part time around work.
I don't have any advice (maybe a work placement doing something he loves?), I think it's difficult at 14 / 15 to appreciate how important school is. My db just needed to grow up.

Original poster
Bigglassofwineplease · 11/07/2017 16:31

He looked a bit embarrassed by the results and said he knows what he has to do...but he said that before these exams and it's like pulling teeth. I want him to be inspired by school and want to do well but I guess you can force an attitude onto someone. He is more interested in doing anything other than revision and homework :(

OP posts:
Original poster
Bigglassofwineplease · 11/07/2017 16:33

#can't force

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uglyflowers · 11/07/2017 16:34

A good tutor for English and maths will ensure he gets the basics right. Get a tutor with recent teaching or exam marking experience. Also go and into the school to see his head of year and ask them what extra help they can give him.

uglyflowers · 11/07/2017 16:35

I'd also get him tutors ASAP so he can get loads of catch up work done over the summer. Take all his devices away too.

Bluntness100 · 11/07/2017 16:35

Ok, 11 percent in English would indicate that unless he is dyslexic then he has not been trying all year and was unable to do the exam.

Does he understand the implications of not trying? That he is facing a lifetime of low paid unskilled work? And what that means in a day to day living basis and the associated struggles?

Yes, some people turn it round later in life, but I don't think that's a great thing to tell him.

I've seen lads do this. Too into partying, playing and being with mates, then all their friendship circle goes off to uni and they are left behind working a dead end job they hate, or worse doing nothing and claiming. My brother was one of them.

I'd sit him down and ask what he wants from life. What he wants to do after school, what his mates want to do. Ultimately though you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink,,,,

Onedaysoooon · 11/07/2017 16:36

What do 11% and 50% mean? Do those percentages equate to levels or grades or test results? In the uk, end of key stage 3 levels are reported in year 9.

Whatsername17 · 11/07/2017 16:36

What is his ability level? At my school we grade it as 'working below/towards/at/above/well above.' Is he academic?

Original poster
Bigglassofwineplease · 11/07/2017 16:36

Maybe I will start to save for a tutor to kick in Sept 2018 so that he has a few months of focused help. That is if he agrees to it although I will have to insist I fear. Just feeling the strain of it all today.

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thesandwich · 11/07/2017 16:36

What is he interested in doing when he is older? Could you find someone to talk to him about what you need to do what he is interested in? Work experience? Can you help him find a why for studying? He probably cannot connect GCSEs with helping him do what he wants in life. What does school offer? Mentoring?

thesandwich · 11/07/2017 16:38

And btw Flowers for you. Is isn't easy.

Original poster
Bigglassofwineplease · 11/07/2017 16:39

Work Experience is only in Sixth form......He did say he might do the DoE scheme next year....the first time he has expressed a desire for any out of school activity . I suggested the Police cadets too...but he wasn't keen. He has no idea what he want to do other than have all the lovely things in life!

OP posts:
Original poster
Bigglassofwineplease · 11/07/2017 16:40

The 11% and 50% were the results of his tests....out of 100%

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MatildaTheCat · 11/07/2017 16:41

Is this a sudden decline? 11% sounds as if there is an underlying issue. Do make an appointment with the school to work out the best way forward so you can all support him in the best way.

Keep as upbeat as possible and offer small regular rewards for effort and progress. He must be feeling pretty awful about this.

Original poster
Bigglassofwineplease · 11/07/2017 16:43

Thankyou for your help so far everyone....feeling a bit less emotional now I have shared....

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Bluntness100 · 11/07/2017 16:43

I think you need a degree now to join the police, I'm sorry.

Sit him down and talk to him about what he wants to do, possibly he is not equating his school performance with his adult life.

Original poster
Bigglassofwineplease · 11/07/2017 16:44

He isn't dyslexic....certain there aren't any underlying issues....he just cba....

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araiwa · 11/07/2017 16:44

i did fuck all for my yr9 exams- as they were completely pointless.

smashed gcse and a-levels though as i knew they were important

Rainbunny · 11/07/2017 16:47

I don't have any good advice I'm afraid except to extend some sympathy. My older brother was exactly the same way, he's actually very smart but completely and utterly unmotivated. I could come up with all sorts of understanding excuses for him but at the end of the day he was just very immature for his age and never developed the discipline to grind through the boring bits, if he wasn't 100% interested in a subject he wouldn't try at all.

Thanks to tireless encouragement/nagging/tough love from my parents he somehow made it to a Polytechnic on a degree program only to drop out in his second year. In retrospect my parents agree that the only person who could make him knuckle down was himself. As a result he spent his twenties in low-paying, tough, menial jobs before finally realising that he needed to pull himself up. My DB is the living embodiment of the sentiment "You can lead a horse to the trough but you can't make it drink!"

Sorry, my anecdote is not very helpful perhaps but I think a lack of emotional maturity (compared to girls at that age) can be a problem given that it's a crucial time academically. It's widely known that boys are falling behind girls in school achievement and this may be one of the factors.

Original poster
Bigglassofwineplease · 11/07/2017 16:50

I am going to have a Bigglassofwine tonight. Results day is the new Friday.....and will hatch my master plan to help my ds going forward. Tutor, school, rewards. I have asked his English teacher to scan me his test paper so I can see the horrible truth myself and see what went so wrong.

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user1495025590 · 11/07/2017 16:51

I know lots of boys who only started applying themselves once 'real' exams were looming and there was a point to it all.

BUT you really need to back off and let him take ownership or you will put him off education for many many years!

Original poster
Bigglassofwineplease · 11/07/2017 16:54

My daughter was a different child. Now looking at Uni, motivated, good part time job......I brought them up the same. I just want the best for him as all good parents want for there kids! Btw, their Dad isn't around, but that has no bearing as he wasn't academic at all but has a great job now. His advice to our ds is to follow him into the university of life and not worry too much. Hmmmm

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Chocolatecake12 · 11/07/2017 16:54

It's also worth remembering that there are other avenues out for him if he doesn't do well academically. Apprenticeships for example.
It is worth talking to the school and I'd do that with him there so he can see you and the school are on the same page.
Ultimately if you know you've done your best for him then the rest is up to him.

GoldSpot · 11/07/2017 16:54

bigglassofwine - we are absolutely in the same boat and I really feel for you. We got dd's end of year report yesterday - it was listed by percentages instead of the expected 8.3/4 etc grades we have had all year. Dd got mainly 30 and 40% marks apart from a very good 88% for English and an ok 63% for science. We also coaxed her through homework this year and revision for the exams but I am now realising that she must have done very little. At our last parents evening we were told that she has the potential to do very well but just doesn't focus in the lessons. Her books are a mess and she just doesn't seem to make any effort.

I am really angry with her - it's been the same story throughout school. Plenty of ability but no interest or focus.

I have taken away all of dd's devices and told her that she can have them back when her grades improve. I have also dug out her library card - she is going to be needing it this summer.

I need to calm down a bit before I decide what the next steps are academically. We can't afford a tutor so will have to spend time coaching her through the summer - especially on Maths. There are various extra tuition clubs at her school which she is going to need to join. GCSE work starts on core subjects Shock - I am so worried for her.