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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to cry after my ds end of year results

154 replies

Bigglassofwineplease · 11/07/2017 16:16

My ds came home with his report. 11% for English and less than 50% in every subject other than RE. I had sat down with him, helped him make notes, tested him etc. He seemed to have a good knowledge and I am heartbroken that he only managed such low scores. I want him to be empowered by realising that working hard achieves results but he really has a CBA attitude. He starts his GCSE's in September and I am dreading a battle in him fulfilling his homework and lesson expectations. From September I will have to take away his Xbox as I did in the run up to these end of year exams..but will it make any difference? We have a strong relationship but I am so weary with nagging and reward schemes and consequences and punishments. Do any other MN's have sons who have turned it around from 14-16? I need to be inspired that my energy is directed in the right way for the next 2 years. I am looking into the tutor route but I don't have a lot of funds. I help him all the time and did well at school and Uni so don't understand why he won't put the effort in. He gets up for school fine every day, doesn't appear tired, doesn't smoke or do anything else to the best of my knowledge and is happy with his friends and has a stable home life. Deep sigh.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bigglassofwineplease · 11/07/2017 20:11

I have just found out that ds didn't sit the English exam when I thought he did. He sat it a week later in the library at lunchtime when other kids were talking and eating their lunch around him! Apparently he didn't tell me as he didn't want to disappoint me that he had missed it due to being in student services feeling ill. Whether that was convenience or not, I have no idea. So a week passed, he forgot everything he knew and the result was what it was. He said he hates the teacher as she tells him he is thick so he said 'there was no point as she wanted him to fail'. Will be going into school on Monday for some straight talking and to get to the bottom of the issues. He seems more open to talking and he said he wants to do well. A night of progress I feel but time will tell......

OP posts:
Original poster
Bigglassofwineplease · 11/07/2017 20:18

Also...some brilliant advice from everyone. Thankyou so much xx

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 11/07/2017 20:38

That's good that he has opened up to you, but shame on that teacher, obviously should not be in teaching. That crap fuels a self fulfilling prophecy, your called thick by a teacher, you must be thick so cba as you think your not academic anyway. Can you complain to the head teacher abou the teacher, they should not be saying that.

TheBakeryQueen · 11/07/2017 20:43

My brother didn't pass a GCSE, he is dyslexic. He was actually really bright though, it's just writing for the exams wasn't his thing.

He is now a qualified stonemason earning really good money.

My boys' dad, again, didn't pass a GCSE, I can't say exactly what he does now as its too outing but through his personality I would say he landed himself a really responsible job which he loves and again, earns really good money.

It isn't all about academics. Far from it.

Morecoffeeurgently · 11/07/2017 21:08

It's so good that DS has told you what happened. But bloody awful if his teacher tells him he's thick! Glad you are going into school to go into what happened. Poor lad. And he should not have been sitting an exam in a room where other pupils were chatting and having lunch! That's just ridiculous.

I found acknowledging to DD that I knew revision was hard and tedious and really understood how rotten it was to be stuck indoors in nice weather beavering away over your books. I decided to go down the 'incentive' route on the basis that works for her. Yes, you could look at it as bribery but I think we often work to incentives and goals throughout life and the thought of a nice meal out or something you enjoy doing, can help you through a tough time at work etc, so why shouldn't that apply also to kids needing to study?

Cakeisbest · 12/07/2017 08:50

I feel for him, he's probably been dreading telling you that he sat the exam a week later and why. The whole situation may be the turning point to end his cba-itis. Sounds like he does want to do his best. Good luck for going forward.

ppeatfruit · 12/07/2017 08:51

Some teachers certainly shouldn't be anywhere near highly impressionable children. Iam a retired teacher btw. Tell your son that he mustn't give her the POWER to influence him and that if he wants to he CAN do english.

There are many opportunities to take exams later anyway. We are lucky with that; in Germany there's no chance after school.

TheEmojiFormerlyKnownAsPrince · 12/07/2017 08:53

Ime experience of 22 years teaching y9 10 11. They often coast in Years 9 and 10, but get their act together in yr 11.

My own ds was like this. He's just finished an MA

MistyMeena · 12/07/2017 09:17

I sympathise OP as I have a son very similar, although he is actually out of school due to anxiety. I'm also a teacher and now tutor. One thing I have learnt on this rather bumpy journey is that getting a list of 10 GCSEs in yr 11 is really not the only way to a good life. It gives me the rage when I hear people spouting about dead end jobs and a life of drudgery.

I think the problem is we expect kids to choose a path so early in life, or we put them off their chosen path because it doesn't fit our own expectations of a 'career'. Most will knuckle down when they realise what they want and suddenly see the way to get it. Careers advice at school is notoriously awful and very narrow minded.

Oops turned into a rant and I realise not much practical help! There is still time for your son to turn it around - if he has good sensible (ish) friends and stays out of trouble then that's half the battle! I wouldn't be be removing the x-box either, maybe just have a few more restrictions until he sees the light 😀

Oliversmumsarmy · 12/07/2017 10:31

Could the awful careers advice in schools be because some children might realise you can pursue some careers without the need for GCSEs

Baalam · 12/07/2017 11:01

I agree there is more to life than GCSES but English is crucial. I hope you get it sorted OP.

Baalam · 12/07/2017 11:02

Could the awful careers advice in schools be because some children might realise you can pursue some careers without the need for GCSEs

Not many! There is always the odd story of someone years ago who did well with no gcses but I don't think that is the case now.

Are you suggesting schools deliberately give bad advice??

A levels maybe but GCSES are essential IMO

Baalam · 12/07/2017 11:04

"One thing I have learnt on this rather bumpy journey is that getting a list of 10 GCSEs in yr 11 is really not the only way to a good life. It gives me the rage when I hear people spouting about dead end jobs and a life of drudgery."

I agree noone needs 10 GCSES. But a pass in English and Maths is the minimum and I am glad the OP is taking it seriously. It is worth cracking the whip while you still can.

Phones are the work of the devil when it comes to revision IMO

Allthebestnamesareused · 12/07/2017 11:10

I assume when you say you are going into school for some straight talking that is straight talking from the teachers rather than from you.

You have already said that your son has a cba attitude.

You should be approaching the teachers on a clearly he hasn't done well basis, asking what can I do to help support him improve his grades, is there anything in particular he should be working on in each of the subjects etc.

You want them on your side not to get their backs up. If they are onside they are more likely to help you set realistic tasks to help him improve.

shockthemonkey · 12/07/2017 11:13

Wine, maybe he's saving himself for when it really counts.

I have had one son get stellar GCSEs and then disappointing ASs and A-levels, and another son get average Brevet (French equivalent to GCSEs) and a brilliant Bac (French A-levels).

So in my view, there's no point in peaking too early! This schooling thing can be a bit of a marathon.

So many boys have CBA thrown in. It's a question of fighting it as much as possible without turning them off.

Hopefully you'll find my experience encouraging!

Atkinsfat · 12/07/2017 11:15

I'm in exactly the same situation with my 14 yo. He's failing every single subject, I have gone down the tutor route but it's not made any difference at all Sad

Baalam · 12/07/2017 11:16

Yes I hope you are not going in to have a go at the teachers for making him do his exam in the library...and saying a teacher calls him thick is probably bollocks tbh. Don't let him turn you against the teachers. Don't make excuses for him.

Baalam · 12/07/2017 11:17

Turn off the wifi and get them to revise from books with pen and paper. Honestly turned dd around from failing everything to pretty decent GCSES. I had to police her though and it was boring and hard work.

Eolian · 12/07/2017 11:24

Tbh it seems ridiculous to spend money on tutoring while allowing him to mess around, not pay attention in class and not be arsed to work. It sounds like he needs to take advantage of the teaching (and help from you) that he's already getting, not be given more to make up for the time he's wasting. A tutor will help with genuine areas of weakness but they won't do his work for him or force him to revise.

WomblingThree · 12/07/2017 11:39

A tutor is a waste of money. You've done your best and helped him, and you couldn't make him give a shit, so I doubt an expensive tutor would.

Ultimately, you cannot make a child care. My DS didn't give a toss, but he did ok. His grades weren't stellar, but they were good enough. His A-Level grades were fairly crap but he got into uni. He hated uni and dropped out after the first year. He's now got a job which pays decent money (for his age) and he likes it well enough. Ultimately though, he's never going to care about anything much, but you know what? It's his life not mine. He's working hard, earning money, having fun and he's happy. That's all I really want for him at 20.

I'm sure many people will think I'm a horrendous mother but it worked out fine for him. I'm not into living vicariously through my children though. I've had my life, they are having theirs. I'd rather they were happy and productive members of society in their own way, than miserable trying to follow a rigid path I've set for them.

WomblingThree · 12/07/2017 11:42

Oh and I wish people would quit trying to diagnose the OPs son. Being lazy and unmotivated is not a medical condition.

Baalam · 12/07/2017 11:46

wombling, sounds like your ds did the best he could rather than didnt care. A levels and getting into uni is quite impressive, what makes you think he didnt care? Because he didn't get As at A level?

I think theres a difference between your ds and the OPs

I agree you can't make a child care but I will move heaven and earth to make sure they get the best grades they are capable of. If they work hard but only get Cs that's fine, that's the best they could do.

The tutor I got for dd kept her mind focussed when she got home. If she hadn't had the tutor and done the extra work then she would just switch off the second she walked through the door, on the phone, bam. At least the tutor made her think about her maths when she got home from school.

But she appreciated that it cost money and didn't want to let me down by pissing it up the wall. If you have a child who literally doesn't care what you think as a parent or has an immature attitude towards working then it will be harder.

Baalam · 12/07/2017 11:48

My sister is a teacher and has said privately that a lot of kids whose parents insist they have Adhd/dyslexia just spend too long on phones and playstations!

Just to head off a flaming, one of my dds does have pretty severe dyslexia so I do realise that that is not the case for all!

Mummyoflittledragon · 12/07/2017 11:49

He seems to want to do well and says he knows what he has to do. So perhaps he needs guidance to help him. Can you draw up some kind of informal contract/understanding so that he is taking some control over this? So he agrees you turn the wifi off between x and y days and times and he agrees to study at certain times etc. If it comes from him and you just help him to follow through, perhaps he will be more likely to stick to an agreement.

Oliversmumsarmy · 12/07/2017 11:56

Baalam

Ds is going to do a college course to pursue a particular profession. No GCSEs needed. You don't even need English or Maths as if you don't pass they have lessons for you to attend each week as part of your course. Other courses in the same college have the same entry requirements.

RADA and a lot of the top drama colleges apart from the ability to speak English again no qualifications are required.

There are a lot of careers out there that don't need any qualifications to join the course and qualify as a professional with the ability to earn more than those who end up with a degree a massive student debt and end up working pushing papers around an office.

This is today, 2017, not some yester year type musing.

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