to want to cry after my ds end of year results

[Bigglassofwineplease]

My ds came home with his report. 11% for English and less than 50% in every subject other than RE. I had sat down with him, helped him make notes, tested him etc. He seemed to have a good knowledge and I am heartbroken that he only managed such low scores. I want him to be empowered by realising that working hard achieves results but he really has a CBA attitude. He starts his GCSE's in September and I am dreading a battle in him fulfilling his homework and lesson expectations. From September I will have to take away his Xbox as I did in the run up to these end of year exams..but will it make any difference? We have a strong relationship but I am so weary with nagging and reward schemes and consequences and punishments. Do any other MN's have sons who have turned it around from 14-16? I need to be inspired that my energy is directed in the right way for the next 2 years. I am looking into the tutor route but I don't have a lot of funds. I help him all the time and did well at school and Uni so don't understand why he won't put the effort in. He gets up for school fine every day, doesn't appear tired, doesn't smoke or do anything else to the best of my knowledge and is happy with his friends and has a stable home life. Deep sigh.

Bless you.. been there, read that text book ❤️

My DS was a bloody unfocused NIGHTMARE right up until the Christmas of year 11. He was taking it in. Just doing minimal everything.

Christmas break, he realised he had to open a results envelope in August and he did frustratingly well, so don't despair.

'A' levels are a different matter though.. those, you cannot just pull out of the bag.

Do you have any idea how any of his class did in their English Exam? I remember DD getting a similar mark for biology when her chemistry and physics marks weren't bad. Turned out the rest of the class had similarly low marks for their biology and it turned out it was their teacher who was shit. We got a tutor out of desperation who was shocked at the state of her notes and said the GCSE syllabus hadn't even been covered and there were gaping holes in it. In one term she virtually taught her the whole sodding syllabus and she got an A.

If it's truly a case of your DS who cba, if you are desperate what about 'incentives' to study? Some kids know full well what they need to do yet doing it is incredibly hard for them and they sometimes don't even know where to start. I found the incentive of tickets for a festival she had been desperate to go to, really concentrated her mind . I said I knew she found it hard and boring having to work so hard (not helped by some of her naturally very clever mates who did sod all yet all got A*), and said the tickets would be a reward for her hard work.

I could have written this post! My son is in Y8 and refusing to tell me his exam results; he has muttered about 20% in English though! He totally has cba-itis as well as appalling handwriting. The school are supportive on the handwriting front (doing some practice stuff, but ultimately ensuring that he'll be able to use a laptop for GCSEs). But they are getting frustrated on the lack of effort. I wouldn't be surprised if he has done well in a couple of subjects (which he likes) and awful in the rest, will find out on Monday!

My plan of action is to gradually reduce his time on YouTube/PlayStation (need to do it gradually as he will kick off and it will achieve nothing), and to start a tutor in September for English, Maths, Science and French. I want him to have downtime, and not feel forced into stuff, but at the same time he does need help motivating himself to do anything apart from play on his PlayStation or watch irritating anti-feminist YouTube idiots.

I am also going to speak to the school about getting some interim 'reports' for him, and will link financial rewards to those (he's only interested in more money to spend on computer stuff). Plus he is going to start coming running with me when I start again (currently pregnant) as he desperately needs to get some outside interests!

A tutor and no phone or devices in the evening Monday to Friday. I did this for dd last year. It worked.

A tutor and no phone or devices in the evening Monday to Friday. I did this for dd last year. It worked.

I may have been really lucky, but a while ago the kids and I were chatting over a meal as we do and the subject of their grandparents came up. My father a doctor lives a comfortable life, their other grandfather - who went to grammar school and was therefore bright hasn't done much with his life and so lives just on a state pension in a council flat. I asked them which grandfather did they think worked harder at school. It was like a light bulb went on for them - it wasn't my intention but it made them realise. They are both motivated and work for their exams. Perhaps you could think of two people you both know who have had similar outcomes in their lives. I think in genereal, however, some kids only begin to work in Year 11, and some not until 6th form. You are right to start addressing it now, but I always think encouragement is better than punishment.

Oh dear op, I am having exactly the same with my gs1 (am a grandparent carer). Thinking back, my dd 2 only got very average sats results and seemed to wake up later on ie at sixth form. She got good A levels and went on to get a law degree.

An even later starter is my dh who at 56 just graduated with a first class honours engineering degree. He went to a CSE only comprehensive where he managed to score E in the vast majority of his subjects which he insisted stood for excellent.

I am hoping that gs wakes up in year 10 and realises he actually has to do some work and that school is not a social occasion. Perhaps this is the shock your ds needs as he sounds bright enough from what you say.

Yes and festival tickets at the end of it and lots of nice food and spoiling during the grim process

But what does the school suggest ?

I'd be livid actually if one of mine got 11% just because they cba. 11% is, quite frankly terrible if he has no underlying issues. Did he read the book?

Been there, feel your pain. He may surprise you when he starts GCSE study as he will have dropped some subjects he didn't enjoy/like and will be studying some subjects he likes better with more time to apply to those subjects. At least you are aware of the situation early on so keep on top of it. Yes, you are going to have to nag/cajole/persuade/bribe him to do homework, and keep checking up on how much homework he has been given, what the deadlines are, and to prove to you he's done it, and done enough. My boys needed tutors, both for English, as they hated writing any amount at all and just wouldn't do it. He might be embarrassed to say during class that he doesn't understand something, thinking he would be the only one but he almost certainly wouldn't be - there'd be others in the class grateful he had spoken up as they didn't understand either. Speak to his teachers at the start of next academic year so they are aware that you are on it and that they have your support to get him to do his best. Tell your son he's not in trouble, that you're disappointed for him but not in him, you'll help him going forward but you'll need his co-operation too.
Happy outcome here, both at university, but I have no teeth or hair, having pulled them all out. Worth it though. Enjoy that drink!

Hi teacher here. Did your DD get grades from his tests or just a percentage mark? It may be that the tests were a very high level and the shock of the test format meant he crashed out. You need to have more context. Most schools give a predicted Grade and a working at grade as well, do you have these?

I would be wary of turning to tutoring for a while. It's very expensive(in my area £25-30 ph) I have tutored in the past and the students who put their heart and soul into it obviously make massive progress but there are those with a CBA attitude who just sit there for the hour and then 'forget' to do any extra work you set them for the following week and they still won't make the progress you would like(they will make some usually though of course) I have also noticed that some students who are tutored don't a make any extra effort in class and rely on their tutor for everything which means they are wasting 4hrs a week at school. Schools generally offer an awful lot of extra support in year 11 and often year 10 too so my first suggestion would be anything the school offer. You could look at tutoring even as late as Jan 2019 and he would still have five months. This obviously depends how he responds in yet 10 though.

OP I sympathise, one of my kids was a lazy so and so and just didn't care. After a couple of years in dead end jobs he decided he'd missed out so did his A levels and got into uni. For several months he would phone me to tell me he had "fluked" a fantastic result. In the end I had to break the news to him that it was a fluke, it was just that he was working. I don't know the answer but I hope you find something that works.

Hi OP, I only have one piece of advice that might be useful- you seem to be putting in a lot of work but it won't make any difference if he doesn't want it. Two thoughts about getting him to want it.

1. tell him he needs to get a holiday job. Any summer job will be menial and tedious. It will help him understand the jobs available when you have no qualifications. Not just for the summer but ever after.

2. get him to think about what type of job he might want later. Not to push him to a college choice - sounds like a gap year could be called for! But more that if he was inspired in a certain direction that required say Cs at some subjects it might help.

RE is interesting, it shows he can do it - so what is it about RE? Could it help to think about what he might want to do work wise later? There is obviously something about the subject that is clicking?

I wouldn't put pressure on yourself, you can only do so much.

my (Bright but lazy) son did a week's work experience in year 11 and the odd day in year 9 and 10. you can arrange it yourself for the holidays - it doesn't have to be through school. I asked friends. It gave him some insight ito the world out there.

Some schools do booster clubs after of before school so find out if yours do. Is there someone outside the family he looks up to who can give him a pep talk - as we all know what do parents know!

What does he want to do after he leaves school?

Ds would love to get 11% in English. His top score was 17%. He got a not markable in one exam . 4% in English.

Ds is dyslexic and academics is way beyond him.
I upto a few months ago was really worried about what he wanted to do. I knew that was the key but everything sounded boring.
I actually did his horoscope. Then listed a wide range of careers that came up. Gave him the list and told him to glance through it and look at possibilities that took his eye. Do some research and see what he thought would be interesting.

He has picked a trade and for the first time in a long time seems very up beat. We have been to see a college and found out you don't need any GCSEs as if you don't pass English and Maths it is fine as you go to lessons there.
It is also only 3 days per week so he can work the other 2 days. He is also asking me about expanding his abilities by doing short courses on other trades during the holidays.
So saying

Have you told him what type of job he's likely to get with bad grades? And the avenues open to him with better grades

Does not apply to all avenues

My ds1 now 18 was exactly the same , cba, I tried everything I could, no joy, now 3 GCSE's And hates every shitty menial job he gets.... ds2 is the same : cba, gcse next summer ... hahaha. Ds3 on the other hand is totally motivated and in one of the most highly selective state schools in the country... always tries hard, wants to do well. You can try. Try hard, but you cannot make them learn ...

Ds is going into year 11 in September.

My eldest was a slacker. Homework always late, wanted to do anything except study, cba'd with anything school work related, stayed up late on his xbox etc. I knew he was a bright boy, but just lacked focus so in desperation I offered him a structured (on reflection too generous) financial reward for passing his exams. X amount for a C, more for a B etc. He ended up with 16 A's and a D at GCSE, much to the horror of my overdraft. However dropped out of college at the end of the first year and got a job that he still has 5 years later and has progressed through the ranks. He earns enough, I figure if he decides he wants more he will make it happen as he's proven he can apply himself - just needs the right motivation.

Among my kids (five of them), I've found that the ones who knew what they wanted to do when they left school fared the best in exams because they knew exactly what they had to aim at. The ones who were floundering about knowing what the hell they wanted to 'be' just didn't have the same impetus. School for them was something to be endured, whereas for the others it was for getting the marks they needed to go on to the next stage.

Maybe try sitting down and talking about interests/future careers. I'm always astounded by the lack of knowledge that kids have about what is out there and available to them, they pretty much know about what their parents' do, and teaching, those are the only jobs they actually 'see' in operation. Let him know there's a huge range of things he can do - maybe when he gets some ambition (and, as with one of mine, it can take until mid twenties) he will suddenly wake up and see the need to study.

I went back and got my degree when I was mid forties. It's never too late. You can also change careers nowadays, nothing has to be set in stone, and I don't think this is stressed enough to children now.

I actually think schools would get better results if they had an hour per week looking at different career options.

Too many children are advised to do A Levels and go to uni without any idea of what they want to do. I also think too many parents are wrapped up in the idea that somehow getting a degree is the be all and end all and it bestows the holder with a "magical" life of ease and pursuing a trade is something their children are too good for.

I work in property and over the last few years I have employed a number of ex public schoolboys for different manual jobs. They haven't bothered with uni but just gone straight into learning a trade

I think education is wasted on some teenagers, let them get a job at 14 and by 16 they would have much more of an idea about life and why it would be worth working at something be it academic or a trade.

If it genuinely is a case of he can't be bothered and simply isn't making the effort, tell him that he has two choices in life: the pain of discipline or the pain of regret. In other words, he might hate the work now but he can get his head down and put the effort in - and reap the rewards later (the nice things he wants)... or he can not bother now and face a long time of regret when he has to struggle through life without qualifications and fight for every opportunity. Even if he's not sure what he wants to do in life - it's better to put in the effort now so that when he does know, he doesn't suddenly find out he's miles behind in terms of the qualifications he might need. He might as well be prepared.

Before you totally write it off as that though... has he had his IQ tested? I say that in terms of are you sure he's not actually bored... not challenged enough? Many highly intelligent kids deliberately under-perform. Also might be worth looking at ADHD again. It wasn't even a "thing" when I was at school but I've recently been diagnosed as having adult ADHD.... and while I did well enough at school, didn't have any significant issues, and I'm now in a very successful professional career, I didn't reach anything like my full potential at school. I hated studying and didn't put in close to enough effort. I had the ability but I was just bored out my mind and struggled to focus. I achieved good exam results with what I will now admit was not much effort and I often wonder what I could have achieved back then if I'd put the effort in - and knew how to manage the way I work. I'm now learning how it has affected the way I work... how I approach things etc... and thinking back so many things make sense now. It's worth noting that ADHD doesn't always mean someone is bouncing off the walls - it can be very much internalised; the mind is going 100 miles an hour and one simply can't keep up - it's exhausting.