to want to cry after my ds end of year results

[Bigglassofwineplease]

My ds came home with his report. 11% for English and less than 50% in every subject other than RE. I had sat down with him, helped him make notes, tested him etc. He seemed to have a good knowledge and I am heartbroken that he only managed such low scores. I want him to be empowered by realising that working hard achieves results but he really has a CBA attitude. He starts his GCSE's in September and I am dreading a battle in him fulfilling his homework and lesson expectations. From September I will have to take away his Xbox as I did in the run up to these end of year exams..but will it make any difference? We have a strong relationship but I am so weary with nagging and reward schemes and consequences and punishments. Do any other MN's have sons who have turned it around from 14-16? I need to be inspired that my energy is directed in the right way for the next 2 years. I am looking into the tutor route but I don't have a lot of funds. I help him all the time and did well at school and Uni so don't understand why he won't put the effort in. He gets up for school fine every day, doesn't appear tired, doesn't smoke or do anything else to the best of my knowledge and is happy with his friends and has a stable home life. Deep sigh.

aagh!!! Their, not there.....one of my big bugbears...

How about a part time job doing something he hates? It was my motivation, when at school, to get some qualifications and avoid 40 years of monotony in a dead end job.

That's two of us with the right user names, bigglassofwine !!!

Maybe I will start to save for a tutor to kick in Sept 2018 so that he has a few months of focused help. That is if he agrees to it although I will have to insist I fear. Just feeling the strain of it all today.

Bribery? If you get X marks across the board then you get Y, if you don't then I'm spending the money on a tutor.

No-one thought I was dyslexic. I tried hard, seemed to have a good knowledge of the subject but rarely did well in exams. I had to resist my A-levels because I didn't do well enough to get into uni the first time round.
In the end I self-referred to the student services at uni and was assessed. Turns out I am dyslexic. I can spell, my issues are more about planning, time management and how I phrase things. Honestly with results like this I'd be going into school to query about underlying issues.

Both my lads were hopeless in Y9. Both CBA, one got it together by Y11 one took until his mid 20's. You can run yourself ragGed, nothing will change until they want it to.
OP I really feel for you because I had the same thing twice over BUT it did all work out in the end. I wish I had have known it would. Could have saved myself at lot of heartache. Maybe take heart from my experience and worry less?

Did he study for the 11% exam? My ds is y11 and left studying for his English GCSE to the very last minute. He hates English and his only motivation to study was so that he wouldn't have to retake next summer. He got an E in his mock and I've yet to see his results but hopefully it will be more decent.

His personality wouldn't have made progress with a tutor. He is capable but will not study for subjects that he dislikes.

does your ds understand where he went wrong? Technique is a big part of English exams. If he was GCSE level then i could recommend resources but at y8 level I'd say that understanding the question (difference between Explain/Evaluate/Describe/Compare etc) and memorising specific content (plot lines, technical words used in analysis like assonance, prophetic fallacy etc) will get him a long way.

Does he have his exam paper back for English? I'd get him to rewrite some of the answers and ask his teacher to mark it.

Bless you, and bless your boy. Please don't be too blue. He is clearly not massively academic, but it doesn't mean he is 'thick.' In fact, he probably has skills many 'academic' kids don't have!

Some of the most well off people I have known over the years are builders and mechanics and tradesmen who weren't too great academically, and who failed their exams spectacularly. And one lad I know who had to drop out of college as his AS levels were U, U, and E, is now working for the Inland revenue on £28K after getting an apprenticeship (He's 26!!!)

Sooooo don't panic. Just maybe talk to the school to see what can be done, or if there is a way to tap in to the skills he DOES have.

Things are never as bad as you think. And failing exams is no exception!

Oh and also, remember that exams are harder now than they were several years ago. The threshold has changed. EG, you had to get 50% to get a C, and now you have to get 60% to get a C (Something like that!)

A tutor may be a good idea, as I know someone whose child was struggling with maths, and she got one. The child said she learned more in seven £20 lessons than she had learned in 2 full terms as school. Thing is, the teacher is having to teach 25-30 kids, some who simply do not want to learn, and kids get left behind sometimes. But when it's one to one, it's way better.
This is why home schooled kids do so well academically.

Taking stuff off him (like X box) isn't ideal, but it may be a good idea to threaten it!

Good luck!!!

I have just noticed that your ds was talking about the Police as a career, my Dd has also talked about his - god knows how she will manage that with her current attitude.

She also has a very focused younger brother in year 6 who has just done really well in his SATs.

Our two have a lot in common...

Agree you can lead a horse….. DS is G&T but he went into a 'decline ' from age 13 to 16. We HE him. He worked very very hard at all the subjects he loved. I never forced him, he decided he didn't want to take GCSE's. I think they can be quite emotionally fragile at that age. He took a couple of music courses and now teaches music, is a musician, with his own group doing fairly well, lives in a commune and is a sometime leader of yoga\drumming religious workshops. he doesn't earn much, he has a hard life BUT HE CHOSE IT , it's his life.

Thankyou FaithAgain....I will look into that but I do think he has cba-itis. The other results of 30-48% were achieved without doing much. So I know he can do well with effort....

Your son op, sounded exactly like I was it his age. I was struggling in Maths, had a cba attitude, did not do much revision for GCSEs, and was in the bottom sets for everything. I left with 5 A-C GCSEs. Did some secretarial qualifications, then pulled my finger out at 18 and decided I wanted to be a Nurse. So I studied hard, gaining a GNVQ Advanced in Health and Social care, I went to Uni to study Psychology instead, worked very hard and gained a 2:1 degree, and went on to do and Msc in Health Psychology.

I think a sudden realisation dawned on me when I left school, that I had to study hard to get good education, to get a good job. Add to that, I loved college better than school, I was doing the course I wanted to do, and was motivated, same with Uni. I hated school, its restrictions, and ethos, I liked the relaxed atmosphere of college, where staff did not lecture or talk down to you.

If he wants to turn this around, then he can. It's entirely up to him. Let him know it's in his power.
Ask him How and What questions and let him work out what he's going to do and how.
What do you want to do in future?
What GCSEs results are you capable of getting?
What do you need?
How are you going to do this etc
Then it's like it's all his decisions and on his terms.
Might work.

As for tutors, there are some online tutors which might work out cheaper? Mumsnet tested and reviewed some. there's a thread about it

Op i got a c in my mock english a level then an A in the real thing.i was very bad at working but pulled it together out of fear ! However i was naturally good at the subject...11 per cent sounds like he didnt even read the questions properly.

Those results that your son got, used to mirror mine, the 30%, 20% etc in subjects, I was embarassed but thought I was not very academic and just fuelled my cba attitude.

Bigglassofwineplease

It's really hard. You can lead a horse to water, and all that.

Can you have a meeting with your son and his head of year? Sometimes a lot comes out in these meetings. And at least you will know exactly what it is he is not doing.

A definite yes to taking away all his devices. Limited use only.

All you can do is keep talking to him. Sometimes it's about really drilling down into what it is that he is finding hard.

That he can't find an effective method to revise, for instance.

Making him understand that it all requires time and application. It's drudge work, but that it pays off.

I also agree that sometimes they coast until their backs are up against the wall. But that's a slippery slope because they get into the habit of coasting. Their knowledge suffers and their work routine doesn't get set in stone.

The problem is, they need their laptops/phone to access things, but then can waste hours online chatting to mates.

Once he realises that actually putting in some work pays dividends, he might get over that hurdle.

Try not to fret. Easy to say, I know. But all you can do is provide as much support as possible. After that it is up to him.

Keep the lines of communication as open as possible. Keep your relationship strong. Try and have a laugh with him on those days when you don't feel like throttling him.

It will be fine One way or another. Whether he does it now, or whether he does it later.

And he may just not be academic. There are plenty of highly successful people who have few qualifications.

"I will look into that but I do think he has cba-itis. The other results of 30-48% were achieved without doing much. "

Sounds even more important that he be assessed then since his marks in english are lower by such a huge margin, especially considering you think he didnt really bother with the others and got much higher marks.

Is there any way of getting hold of his papers or the reasons why he lost marks? If his answer to "discuss the themes and motivations in the relationship between romeo and juliet" was "romeo was some dude, he was, like, greek or something" then maybe its not all dyslexia! ;)

Another thing is if he wants to be in the police, I am pretty sure that it won't be long before you need a degree to do this.

Love all the support on here. Thankyou everyone. I have to go and walk my dog as she is looking at me with her paws crossed. Will check in back later. Not feeling as alone now. All my friends seem to have kids who are amazing/wonderful/high achievers...and they don't mind telling everyone!! My ds is amazing....but not academically just now..... please let me have any more advice and share your thoughts.....I don't have my mum any more so I see MN as my extended sisterhood

It's a pity he isn't interested in things outside school that would allow him to apply what he learns in school to the real world.

I watched a video about the Greenpower project where children build and race electric vehicles. One boy stated that he really couldn't be bothered with school or education, until he joined the project and started seeing how the things he learned in math and science could be applied. He said it really turned around his views on school and his grades improved enough where he could go to university.

Maybe the DofE scheme could help with this. Do they have to do a community project as part of it? That would involve a lot of researching, communication, planning, budgeting.

What are his friends like? Maybe if they are starting to knuckle down to hard work he'll follow along too.

I remember a fellow student at university who got thirds the first two years of exams. She got firsts the second two years. She didn't bother with the first couple of years as they didn't relate to our degree marks. Is he like that? Not bothering if it isn't important but works hard when it is?

Have you thought about ADHD? My brother was similar - actually very bright, but did hideously badly at A-level because he just didn't work. My poor mum was pulling her hair out.

He then spent a couple of years in dead-end jobs, and eventually decided he wanted to go to Uni after all. But his grades were too bad to get in anywhere decent. So he went back and retook his A-levels and got straight As (this was pre-A*), and actually ended up at Cambridge.

Sadly he then stopped working again and got kicked out, so not an entirely positive tale. He did finish his degree at a RG university, and has a reasonable job now. But he basically can't work unless there's a significant carrot or stick hanging over him.

I am similar, but do manage to just about meet deadlines and am better at judging workloads so I've never failed anything. I just have just had a lot of unnecessarily stressful all-nighters.

I'm a year behind you with my DS, same situation though.

We've been to see the school, and had countless discussions with him. His school, IMO, wash their hands of newly-teenage boys (may be the same for girls) and say "he'll snap out of it later".

Without question part of it is a CBA attitude, but I dont think the school have any interest/time to inspire him.

I left school before exams and have felt held back by it ever since, so I dont want the same for DS.

I dont have any great advice, but I would say dont take consoles and phones away entirely, instead restrict use to specific hours (an on production of evidence some homework has been done).

I am pretty sure he hasn't got ADHD. He has a cheeky personality, likes to be popular so I think he just messes around a bit too much in class rather than not being able to pay attention. He can be really calm and cuddly....it's just the school work....

I supported in several end of year exams this year, admittedly I was in the small exam room with those with additional needs but a huge amount just stuck their names on the exam paper, flicked through ticked some boxes and wrote a couple of sentences and then put their heads on the desk to sleep. Several of them were 'done' in 10minutes of a 2hr paper, it's not that they couldn't write more just CBA.

It's so hard. Especially with boys. I kept getting told that boys often don't take it serious until 15/16. They get competitive then. Still waiting! And DS did GCSEs this summer!

DS got 29% in a maths paper in Year 10. His maths teacher went straight to th head of maths in shock and said it was a car crash. He re took it and got 36%. There were questions he didn't even try. He just assumed he couldn't do them. School runs a maths clinic most lunch times so he did that twice a week. And DH has a maths degree so he set him papers, marked them and then went through them with him. It all helped.

11% really sounds like he just didn't answer some of the paper. Did he panic?