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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is ex husbands wife-to-be overstepping the mark?

144 replies

ElizabethHurleysSafetyPins · 11/07/2017 13:26

I am divorced, have 3 children with ex, and a very amicable (on the whole) relationship with him.

We have both moved on and have new partners, both happy. He is getting married to his GF at the end of this year.

She is younger than him, no kids of her own yet and is very fond of, and good with mine. However, I find her insensitive and a bit crass and over bearing at times. She is very opinionated, particularly regarding the kids. And she definitely wears the trousers in their relationship.

I will try and give some examples.

When she and ex had only been dating for a couple of months, she found and booked holiday activities / clubs for my kids. With his consent, it should be said, and on his time with them. But I didn't feel it was her place to do this when she had been around for such a short time.

She pressured my daughter to get a hair cut (she is 14) because she felt it needed it because of supposed split ends (there were hardly any!) My daughter was against a cut and wanted to grow it (I asked her what she wanted). My ex was texting me loads about it (like he has EVER given a jot about her hair!) and I said I wasn't happy and that if and when she (my daughter) wanted her hair cut I would sort it out, that the GF was absolutely not to organise it. A couple of weeks later daughter came back from a weekend at theirs with 3 inches lopped off and cried after she washed it as it bounced up even shorter (it is naturally curly so looked much shorter after the blow dry had been washed out).

She frequently dictates his emails / texts to me regarding arrangements / the kids / the money. I don't know if she physically gets hold of his phone, or whether she dictates and he writes it, but I know my ex and I know his tone and turn of phrase and I can spot a GF email a mile off. Plus, she has tripped herself up when talking to me and repeated, verbatim an opinion SHE has about something that I have already had via text /email from my ex husband (supposedly).

The children have all said that she is very lovely and nice to them, but when she doesn't get her way (and it can be over something REALLY trivial) she literally sulks for the entire day. Staying in a closed room and not coming out sort of thing. Their Dad tip toeing around her and trying to cajole her out of it. Sometimes it has lasted all weekend and the kids hate the atmosphere. Once, she took to her bedroom and stayed there all day because she was excited about wanting to make a thai beef salad for lunch for them all and my kids hate thai and asked politely whether they could have something else.

(I should say here that my eldest is 20 and he has witnessed all of this, so it is not coming from a little child who may have misinterpreted things)

I had a recent request from my ex about something. We had a discussion over a cuppa, and we agreed the route forward. I specifically said I would ONLY agree to what he was proposing as long as the children were not told. He totally agreed that was the right thing, and proper way to do things. That very evening the GF announced to the children over dinner in a very showy 'I have something I want to tell you' way. I KNOW my ex and I know that he has allowed her to over rule on this because in her opinion her way is the best way. I feel she deliberately undermined me.

Writing this they all sound like minor things and in the bigger picture I know that they are and that the kids being happy around her and her caring about them and making them feel welcome are the most important thing.

Maybe she will back off a bit when she has her own
?

Should I get a grip??

OP posts:
Whodoesthis17 · 11/07/2017 13:33

The hair cut thing seems to happen alot, DD needs to learn the word NO, as at 14 she can tell them what she wants, I am sure that will never happen again.

As to the other things, she is going to be there and your children are getting older, so soon it won't be your issue, the 20 year old isn't going to want to visit and the 14 year old will rebel, I would stay out of it and watch the fireworks, as the kids know she isn't their mum and their dad will be the one left with a sulker.....

QuiteLikely5 · 11/07/2017 13:35

There are no kids?!?

20year old?

How old are the others

Original poster
ElizabethHurleysSafetyPins · 11/07/2017 13:36

They have no kids together yet.

Ex is 11 years older than his GF.

Our three are 20, 14 and 11.

OP posts:
hazell42 · 11/07/2017 13:37

Yes, you should definitely get a grip.

Underthemoonlight · 11/07/2017 13:40

It's difficult to see if your unreasonable for the last thing you meantioned as I'm not sure what it is. The other stuff are major surely a 14year old can say no?

BarbarianMum · 11/07/2017 13:40

Yes you should get a grip. She's your ex's choice and if he's happy for her to write his texts/book stuff on his behalf then it's his business.

If she's "very lovely and nice to them" then she doesn't have to be perfect, any more than you or your dh do.

OnceMoreIntoTheBleach · 11/07/2017 13:47

Was the secret hers to tell? Or was it yours? I think that makes a difference.

With the hair, agree with PP that your DD should have just said no.

However, on the whole, people who are over confident/pushy like that really make my teeth itch, so I would find it hard too, but I think unless she is being damaging, you'll have to get a grip.

Patriciathestripper1 · 11/07/2017 13:51

You Dh needs to grow a pair or he will have a miserable
As for the kids at least they are older and can vote with their feet if they get fed up of the sulking.

Lemonnaise · 11/07/2017 13:53

Your ex needs to get a grip and tell her he can sort his own kids out, with you. The hair thing and her pretending to be him on the texts and e-mails would annoy me. Next time she texts(pretending to be him), could you say "hi XXXX, can you get XXXX to text me himself, thanks ever so much.

Lemonnaise · 11/07/2017 13:56

For the people saying the 14 year old could have said no, it can be hard for some (maybe shy) people to stand up to bossy, bolshey people who don't listen. There's loads of threads on here from adults looking for advice on what to say to these kind of people.

Original poster
ElizabethHurleysSafetyPins · 11/07/2017 13:58

Lemonnaise,

Yes, DD is no wallflower but the GF is quite formidable and if she wants something / thinks it is right she will just go on.

DD said she agreed as she didn't want to upset GF and it seemed very important to GF (that she got her haircut).

I do think she will get better at saying no as she gets older though.

OP posts:
Original poster
ElizabethHurleysSafetyPins · 11/07/2017 14:00

Anyway,

the point is, I had told them no to the haircut and the GF ignored this and pressurised my daughter regardless.

Back off Susan Boyle!

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 11/07/2017 14:05

Daughter of a narcissist here. This woman sounds very controlling. Luckily your children will not have been trained from birth (as I was) to cajole, squirm and obey. However as your ex, a grown man, is squirming and trying to obey, it would indicate your children are at risk from being overpowered by this woman frequently. They're children whatever their age. Even the 20 yr old is a young adult and easily manipulated. And no if bloody isn't easy. My dd is 9 and needs protecting. I have taken the decision dd will not be doing overnights this year at my mother's house this holiday - she did 2 last year. Your youngest is only 11 so I'd be pretty concerned by what is happening. My mother is lovely to my dd most of the time. But she can also be nasty and manipulative to my dd and take stupid risks.

BarbarianMum · 11/07/2017 14:08

Actually, the point is, you don't get to say no to a 14 year old getting her hair trimmed if the 14 year old says yes. She said yes, next time she'll probably learn to put her own wants over the needs of her step mum.

BenLui · 11/07/2017 14:08

I would work on teaching your children how to say no politely and stand firm in the face of pressure. This is a skill they need for life generally anyway.

I'd also teach them how to react to sulks and temper tantrums (they are never ever to be rewarded). This is also a useful like skill.

Other than that your issue is that your exDH is useless and weak. Not much you can do about that other than factor it into all decisions. For example you know from now on that you can't expect anything to be kept confidential.

WannaBe · 11/07/2017 14:10

You need to get a grip.

IMO we all roll our eyes at other people's relationships sometimes even if they're not ex's, and I would certainly do an eyeroll at someone whose partner dictated their texts for them. If that's how your ex wants to conduct his relationship then that's his lookout really.

As for a fourteen year old getting a haircut, anyone who says that they'll sort that out on their time is overbearing. A fourteen year old is old enough to make her own decisions about how she wants her hair cut, as a parent I might suggest that it ought to be done if it e.g. Looked a bloody mess, but you can't physically make it happen, so it does sound a bit as if the fourteen year old is playing you off against each other a bit.

And the twenty year old is an adult. There's no conversation to be had there.

Atenco · 11/07/2017 14:14

Well firstly there is not much you can do apart from support your children in their choices. Fortunately they seem to be old enough to be able to defend themselves or they soon will be. It might even be a good learning experience for them in resisting manipulation.

Allthebestnamesareused · 11/07/2017 14:14

So actually you admit there were split ends and that as there was lots of texting about it it was over a period of time. Perhaps you should have taken your DD for a trim yourself rather than try to make a point of not doing it.

It doesn't sound as though you have moved on if the other silly stuff is bothering you as it clearly doesn't bother your ex in his relationship with HIS GF soon to be HIS wife. I think you sound a bit jealous.

IloveBanff · 11/07/2017 14:14

"Back off Susan Boyle!"

What do you mean by this? Confused

Anyway, the woman sounds like a control freak and her sulking like that is immature and ridiculous.

Original poster
ElizabethHurleysSafetyPins · 11/07/2017 14:15

BarbarianMum really??

Ex texts me that GF thinks DD needs to get a haircut and she want to book her one as GF thinks she has spit ends (I don't agree, hair was fine).

I ask DD.

DD says no, I want to grow it longer. I don't want a hair cut. She is adamant.

I go back to Ex and say no thank you, DD does not want her hair cut, she wants to grow it some more.

Ex come back a little later and says 'but GF thinks she needs it'.

I say, 'it isn't GF's place. I have spoken to DD and she doesn't want it, and if and when she does I will arrange a hair cut.'

DD comes back from next visit with 3 inches lopped off - not a 'trim' and says she was pressurised by GF and felt she had to as GF was going on and on about the bloody spilt ends? Then cries because it is too short and she wanted to grow it??

If that isn't controlling I don't know what is!!

OP posts:
Polly7705 · 11/07/2017 14:18

I sort of understand where you are coming from however there isn't much you can do about it; your ex picked her and by the sound of it she's not doing anything damaging or cruel just being a bit over-bearing which unfortunately is something you can't do anything about. Have you ever spoken to her directly about any of the things that you've been unhappy about or do you not get on with her?

girlywhirly · 11/07/2017 14:18

The sulking when she doesn't get her own way is a big red flag to me, especially if your ex is tiptoeing around her and cajoling. I don't doubt she is lovely and nice to the kids when everything pleases her.

Do the DC ever see their dad without her, or is she always around? I find it hard to think that a 20 yo would spend much time with her unless it was the only opportunity to see their dad, or to keep an eye on the younger ones. Bullying a child into having their hair cut is out of order. It also makes me think that they are afraid to cross her because of the way she reacts. Of course no-one is perfect, but she sounds controlling.

WannaBe · 11/07/2017 14:19

Why in God's name are you and your ex having conversations about a fourteen year old wanting/not wanting a haircut?

She's fourteen. If she wants a haircut it's down to her to have it done, or not. She may choose to take on someone's opinion perhaps but actually if she's that easily led and added that to the fact that you and your ex are discussing it I'd imagine that she's used to you living her life for her.

She's fourteen. Give her some bloody freedom and stop micro managing her life.

WannaBe · 11/07/2017 14:21

I also suspect that if she'd had it done of her own accord she would have come back crying that she didn't like it. Such is life.

jempuddleduck · 11/07/2017 14:22

I'm surprised at a lot of the responses on her telling you to get a grip.
I agree with the poster who thinks that the GF sounds very controlling. It sounds as if she is 'lovely' as long as things are going exactly her way but awful and childish and very unpleasant if they are not.

Your ex is not your responsibility and if he chooses to spend his life singing to her tune and placating her that is up to him. However, I would be very concerned about the children/ young adult being manipulated. I have come across people like this and I think the influence is a potentially toxic one. I would also be upset in your shoes about being undermined by someone who is not their parent.