AIBU or is ex husbands wife-to-be overstepping the mark?

[ElizabethHurleysSafetyPins]

I am divorced, have 3 children with ex, and a very amicable (on the whole) relationship with him.

We have both moved on and have new partners, both happy. He is getting married to his GF at the end of this year.

She is younger than him, no kids of her own yet and is very fond of, and good with mine. However, I find her insensitive and a bit crass and over bearing at times. She is very opinionated, particularly regarding the kids. And she definitely wears the trousers in their relationship.

I will try and give some examples.

When she and ex had only been dating for a couple of months, she found and booked holiday activities / clubs for my kids. With his consent, it should be said, and on his time with them. But I didn't feel it was her place to do this when she had been around for such a short time.

She pressured my daughter to get a hair cut (she is 14) because she felt it needed it because of supposed split ends (there were hardly any!) My daughter was against a cut and wanted to grow it (I asked her what she wanted). My ex was texting me loads about it (like he has EVER given a jot about her hair!) and I said I wasn't happy and that if and when she (my daughter) wanted her hair cut I would sort it out, that the GF was absolutely not to organise it. A couple of weeks later daughter came back from a weekend at theirs with 3 inches lopped off and cried after she washed it as it bounced up even shorter (it is naturally curly so looked much shorter after the blow dry had been washed out).

She frequently dictates his emails / texts to me regarding arrangements / the kids / the money. I don't know if she physically gets hold of his phone, or whether she dictates and he writes it, but I know my ex and I know his tone and turn of phrase and I can spot a GF email a mile off. Plus, she has tripped herself up when talking to me and repeated, verbatim an opinion SHE has about something that I have already had via text /email from my ex husband (supposedly).

The children have all said that she is very lovely and nice to them, but when she doesn't get her way (and it can be over something REALLY trivial) she literally sulks for the entire day. Staying in a closed room and not coming out sort of thing. Their Dad tip toeing around her and trying to cajole her out of it. Sometimes it has lasted all weekend and the kids hate the atmosphere. Once, she took to her bedroom and stayed there all day because she was excited about wanting to make a thai beef salad for lunch for them all and my kids hate thai and asked politely whether they could have something else.

(I should say here that my eldest is 20 and he has witnessed all of this, so it is not coming from a little child who may have misinterpreted things)

I had a recent request from my ex about something. We had a discussion over a cuppa, and we agreed the route forward. I specifically said I would ONLY agree to what he was proposing as long as the children were not told. He totally agreed that was the right thing, and proper way to do things. That very evening the GF announced to the children over dinner in a very showy 'I have something I want to tell you' way. I KNOW my ex and I know that he has allowed her to over rule on this because in her opinion her way is the best way. I feel she deliberately undermined me.

Writing this they all sound like minor things and in the bigger picture I know that they are and that the kids being happy around her and her caring about them and making them feel welcome are the most important thing.

Maybe she will back off a bit when she has her own
?

Should I get a grip??

of course she was upset. she was repeatedly told she could go so finding out last minute was not on. she could have arranged to be collect and get there another way.

WTF at some of these responses.

A 14 year old child isn't old enough to stand up to such a temperamental, stroppy overbearing woman such as this one. Have none of you considered the fact she doesn't feel comfortable enough with the woman yet wants to "keep the peace" so she doesn't throw another stop and create an unbearable atmosphere?

I think you need to stop trying to convince yourself that Ex is a good father. He's quite happy for the children to be collateral damage in this strange dynamic he has going on with his girlfriend.

You're seriously upset that she booked activities for the kids, with their dad's permission and on his time?

I would be very interested to hear the ex and GF's side of the story here. Not because I am the GF as suggested upthread but because things are rarely as they seem, but on MN there is very much a trend of OP posts a thread along the lines of "new GF is overstepping the mark because she has done x and y," followed by a chorus of "OMG, she's not their mother, she is clearly an abusive narc (because everyone on mn can diagnose this obviously,) you should withold access/tell your ex that until he brings his girlfriend in line he won't be seeing the kids/"

And on the flip side we have another raft of threads along the lines of "my dh/dp's ex is a complete psycho, withholds access to the kids, threatens x and y if we don't give in to her will." And somewhere in the middle is usually a weak man who will allow anything for a quiet life, and often kids who don't particularly like the new partner and have an eager audience in the other parent who doesn't particularly like the idea of another woman having an input into their children's lives. Something which is understandable but means the kids could probably tell her that the new partner grows an extra head at the full mooon and they will listen.

I don't particularly care for my eXH's partner. From what I've seen and heard first hand and from what I've been told by various parties she does indeed have some issues, and my DS doesn't particularly like her to the point he now spends very little time at his dad's, and she definitely doesn't like me, for reasons which are best known to her, but I suspect lie somewhere in the fact that my eXH has probably told her enough bullshit to make me look like the bad guy, even down to suggesting I have called him at work to slag her off which is patently untrue.

But I think that if I registered some distaste at anything she had done in the past it wouldn't be hard to get DS to go along with a view that she is in fact the devil incarnate.

I have listened to stuff my DS has said about her in the past, some I have taken on board and some I have ignored, and sometimes I have reminded him that she's here to stay and that she's his sibling's mother. At no point though would I collude in gossiping about how awful she is, because while listening is one thing, gossiping is quite another, and I wouldn't want him to be bitching about me or my dp to his dad any more than I'm sure his dad wants to think that he could be gossiping to me about him/his dp.

Do I think that dictating someone's texts to them is controlling? Absolutely. But if the ex has an issue with that then that's his issue to deal with. There are plenty of step parents on the SP boards who feel they should have a say in whether the children come over/whether they have a bedroom in the house/whether the ex should be paying the levels of maintenance that they are and in general people agree with them. But whatever the father accepts is for him to deal with not anyone else....

I'd be upset about the haircut, the dad needs to deal with that.

The horse riding, these things happened. My mum used to cancel my things last minute at times too because that can be life. The world doesn't resolve around one persons activity, she missed one lesson!

I think in alot of situations regarding children if a child gets a wiff that their mum doesn't like Daddy's new gf they can and do exaggerate certain situations to please or take the "side" of their mum, You seem to take a lot of negative views as far as their relationship goes and go on about all the flaws in their relationship, In the nicest possible way you aren't there op so you can't say what really happens.
In regards to what goes on its his relationship and has nothing to do with you your kids are happy she is kind to them. Appreciate that and concentrate on your own life.

There are plenty of step parents on the SP boards who feel they should have a say in whether the children come over/whether they have a bedroom in the house/whether the ex should be paying the levels of maintenance that they are and in general people agree with them. But whatever the father accepts is for him to deal with not anyone else....

In some respects I think step parents should have a say in some things I.e bedrooms especially when it is their house but obviously you do have to be fair with things. I think it's more to do with them what happens in their space and with them, than it is the other parents. Obviously the nrp should be the one primarily making the decisions but considering a lot of step parents do an awful lot of the parenting it's only fair they have some Input.

As much as it's hard, I think you have to let each other have your own rules and not get involved what goes on at the other parents (unless it's serious obviously). I don't love the way my dps ex parents but I have to let her get on with It, as she does me.

Why would she bully a 14 year child to get a haircut?
I feel sorry for your dd. How was she meant to stand up for herself against an adult?

You hit the nail on the head there phoenix.

She (and her behaviour) really don't have much to do with you

And yet it will be the OP picking up the pieces of a stressed out teen who's self esteem has been shattered cos her dad is happy to have her hair lopped off because someone else says she has a few split ends....or the relationship with dad is destroyed 'cos rounders and sulking are more important than being up front and honest....it very much has something to do with the OP. Neither she nor her children live in some kind of vacuum.

And yet it will be the OP picking up the pieces of a stressed out teen who's self esteem has been shattered cos her dad is happy to have her hair lopped off because someone else says she has a few split ends....or the relationship with dad is destroyed 'cos rounders and sulking are more important than being up front and honest....it very much has something to do with the OP. Neither she nor her children live in some kind of vacuum

Yes, she most likely will. Its me and dp that pick up the pieces when his ex decides she would rather go on the piss than see her son, and when she sends him home for being "naughty" and when she openly tells him things that he is far too young to comprehend. But you know what? As much as I don't like her and cannot support her parenting methods - she's his mother. She's always going to be part of his life unless he decides himself with no influence from us that he doesn't want her to be.

Me or dp pulling her up or trying to change her behaviour won't help anyone. She won't do it, and she certainly wouldn't appreciate being told what to do by us. Which is fine. Nobody would.

Op has to be there to pick up the pieces, because that's what a good parent does. Confrontation in these situations does not usually solve anything. It usually causes animosity and the children end up siding with one parent over the other because they feel they should which is wholly unfair on them.

As much as op might like to tell this woman she is a shit (and believe me I would like to do the same to dps ex) she shouldn't because it will not help anyone.

The problem is you've made a big deal out of stuff that's not terrible and so the U things (like the haircut) seem less an issue and more that you don't want this woman in their lives.

phoenixtherabbit

I don't interfere and have most times bitten my tongue regarding things the children have said about the GF. I have spoken to their father only a couple of times, when I felt it was a biggie. Once over the haircut and once over the rounders game thing - and that was about the entire rest of the weekend being ruined by the GF's sulking, NOT the missing of a horse riding lesson. My daughter put on a brave face when her dad dropped her off then burst into tears when he left. She had been made to feel totally shit all weekend and that is not on. Punishing a 13 year old for being understandably upset ALL WEEKEND when she is there to spend time with her Dad is mean and cruel.

I don't want to worry about the minutiae of their life with their dad and new partner.

As I have said very early on, she genuinely seems to be very fond of my kids. My 20 year old who has observed the worst in her behaviour with the sulking and stropping has also said she has some very lovely qualities.

I do however, want to be comfortable that they are not being emotionally controlled / blackmailed into doing things they don't want to, or to get into a pattern of placating her as their father has.

I don't think that is healthy.

Someone said upthread that if the GF controls my ex because he cheated on her then that is his fault for cheating?! I don't think anyone should be 'controlled' by anyone else, and I don't want my kids thinking that is normal or healthy.

You're almost disagreeing with yourself there.

If your daughter is there to see her dad then it should not matter whether the GF is sulking should It?

Maybe she's sulking because of your daughter or maybe she's sulking because of a reason you know absolutely nothing about.

Your problem is not her it is your ex. If he was concerned surely he would have spend the time the gf was sulking for, with your daughter. He didn't. That's a problem with HIM.

Maybe he doesn't deserve to be controlled but if you've cheated I think you have to expect repercussions and lack of trust is one of them. For all you know he may ha e begged and pleaded for her back and be doing everything of his own volition.

You're seeing/ hearing everything second hand.

When you say you bite your tongue most times, do it all the time. My step son has NEVER heard me saying anything that was not positive about his mother. Even if you say something once you start to colour a person's view whether you think you are or not.

I'll bet their version of these events is very, very different.

I didn't pry about the rounders weekend.

My daughter burst into tears and told me what had happened.

10 year old was upset for her.

I spoke to their dad about it and he was cross that she had raised it with me, and said that DD upset the GF by bursting into tears at the rounders and basically, she deserved the GF then not speaking to her a=for the entire weekend.

I think differently.

Yes, he did beg and plead for her to come back. I don't care about the ins and outs of their relationship, but I do care when my kids have had a totally crap weekend due to her mood, and are learning that GF needs to be kept happy at all costs.

I'm shocked at the responses here. Your exes new gf sounds emotionally abusive.

Given the ages of your children I'm not sure what you can do. They'll probably just stop visiting if she continues with her crazy behaviour.

Well sorry but that's for your ex husband to deal with and not you.

I don't know what your dd Is like but my ss will burst into tears quite often and a lot of the time when he has done something wrong too.

I don't believe your ex said that your dd deserved his gf ignoring her

Maybe she wasn't even ignoring her - maybe she was just taking herself away from the situation! I certainly would want to.

Some of those examples are definitely a bit but a lot of it just sounds like part of the awkwardness of being step-parent to adult or teenage children. I also think that a lot of those stories could really depend on how they were told. For example, pressuring to get a haircut could, to me, be anything from 'you WILL get a haircut or no dinner for you tonight!' to 'I'm going to get my haircut and I'd love it if you came with me, girly day out, my treat?' And was they sulking after they 'politely' turned down a salad, or was she genuinely upset that they refused to eat something she was excited to make? I'm NOT saying either one is the case, just pointing out how subjective some of those things can be.

My siblings and I were very similar ages to your kids when my Dad got together with my now-stepmum: 20, 16 and 11 (I'm the eldest). Step mum and I get on very well now, 13 years later, but at that age I really didn't like her and a lot of what you describe sounds familiar. For example, my step mum is an, um... interesting cook, and we definitely had a few upsets and difficult situations over not wanting to eat some of the weird things that she wanted to make.

Now, all these years later, I can see that she was actually trying really hard, and that it must have been pretty hurtful for her to make an effort to make a nice dinner for her partner's kids only to have us reject it.

The only other thing I would say is to be aware that your kids may slightly be telling you what they want to hear. I wouldn't say we deliberately played our parents off against each other, but sometimes we definitely knew that our mum enjoyed hearing these stories about our step mum being a bit ridiculous, and I'm sure we didn't give her the best impression!

Honestly, your dd was old enough not to carry on about one riding lesson, and gf is certainly old enough not to sulk for an entire weekend!

I guess it's possible that she and your ex argued and that's why she kept her distance.

Steps are constantly being told to do their own thing, or take a massive step back on the stepparent board. That might have happened here.

Can't believe no one else has picked up on this...

You and your ex split, not sure who was at fault, or you just both called time.

He gets with new Girlfriend and Cheats, on her, and goes back.

Sorry but this guy will cheat again, and I think she must know it, because he has already made the link in his head, I think she sulks because she is worried about it, and all it will take is for someone to be nicer to him for him to walk..

You so right about it being the Ex;s fault over the riding, he promised, and then changed his mind, to a child that matters, and as said they soon start to find reasons not to visit a Dad who puts them second, watched this happen to my DP..CL, as you lot call them, he barely see's his kids as they gave up on him.

I think the sulking is the biggest issue. That kind of emotional abuse/manipulation can be very stressful and traumatic for kids (I also experienced this as a child). Can they come home to you if GF is creating an atmosphere?

We don't even know she was sulking. She might have removed herself from the situation because that is what we are so often told to do.

Also again to be fair, You don't know what happened as you weren't there, For all you know the Dad and the step mum could have had an argument about something completely unrelated which led to her isolating herself.
Anything could have happened she may have had some bad news about another unrelated issue and wanted some time alone.
You just don't know because you aren't there.

I also don't think people taking themselves out of a situation is abusive.