AIBU or is ex husbands wife-to-be overstepping the mark?

[ElizabethHurleysSafetyPins]

I am divorced, have 3 children with ex, and a very amicable (on the whole) relationship with him.

We have both moved on and have new partners, both happy. He is getting married to his GF at the end of this year.

She is younger than him, no kids of her own yet and is very fond of, and good with mine. However, I find her insensitive and a bit crass and over bearing at times. She is very opinionated, particularly regarding the kids. And she definitely wears the trousers in their relationship.

I will try and give some examples.

When she and ex had only been dating for a couple of months, she found and booked holiday activities / clubs for my kids. With his consent, it should be said, and on his time with them. But I didn't feel it was her place to do this when she had been around for such a short time.

She pressured my daughter to get a hair cut (she is 14) because she felt it needed it because of supposed split ends (there were hardly any!) My daughter was against a cut and wanted to grow it (I asked her what she wanted). My ex was texting me loads about it (like he has EVER given a jot about her hair!) and I said I wasn't happy and that if and when she (my daughter) wanted her hair cut I would sort it out, that the GF was absolutely not to organise it. A couple of weeks later daughter came back from a weekend at theirs with 3 inches lopped off and cried after she washed it as it bounced up even shorter (it is naturally curly so looked much shorter after the blow dry had been washed out).

She frequently dictates his emails / texts to me regarding arrangements / the kids / the money. I don't know if she physically gets hold of his phone, or whether she dictates and he writes it, but I know my ex and I know his tone and turn of phrase and I can spot a GF email a mile off. Plus, she has tripped herself up when talking to me and repeated, verbatim an opinion SHE has about something that I have already had via text /email from my ex husband (supposedly).

The children have all said that she is very lovely and nice to them, but when she doesn't get her way (and it can be over something REALLY trivial) she literally sulks for the entire day. Staying in a closed room and not coming out sort of thing. Their Dad tip toeing around her and trying to cajole her out of it. Sometimes it has lasted all weekend and the kids hate the atmosphere. Once, she took to her bedroom and stayed there all day because she was excited about wanting to make a thai beef salad for lunch for them all and my kids hate thai and asked politely whether they could have something else.

(I should say here that my eldest is 20 and he has witnessed all of this, so it is not coming from a little child who may have misinterpreted things)

I had a recent request from my ex about something. We had a discussion over a cuppa, and we agreed the route forward. I specifically said I would ONLY agree to what he was proposing as long as the children were not told. He totally agreed that was the right thing, and proper way to do things. That very evening the GF announced to the children over dinner in a very showy 'I have something I want to tell you' way. I KNOW my ex and I know that he has allowed her to over rule on this because in her opinion her way is the best way. I feel she deliberately undermined me.

Writing this they all sound like minor things and in the bigger picture I know that they are and that the kids being happy around her and her caring about them and making them feel welcome are the most important thing.

Maybe she will back off a bit when she has her own
?

Should I get a grip??

Argh. I sympathise OP. She sounds like a nightmare. That situation with the hair is just not on. She needs to back off. Trouble is if your ex won't stand up to her then the kids have no chance.

I agree that kids need to learn to say No, but this really can be quite difficult when they obviously want a harmonius situation with their dad and his new partner.

I expect the kids will end up not wanting to go round there and I certainly wouldn't push them to if they feel railroaded by the stepmother.

I hope this does not end like my personal experience with the dad being a complete wimp and constantly giving in to the new wife to the detriment of the kids, but it doesn't sound that hopeful. Maybe its new though and if the kids can be honest with him, maybe he'll get the message. Hope so OP.

Am I the only one wanting to know what Susan Boyle got to do with it? missespointofthread

'I don't know what your dd Is like but my ss will burst into tears quite often and a lot of the time when he has done something wrong too. '

She is not a 'crier'. Not an overly emotional sort.

Sigh... it will be what it will be. But I want my children to be strong individuals and not pander to people who manipulate with strops.

To the poster who mentioned his infidelity and her insecurity- it may be part reason she is the way she is. but not really interested in the why's ... I lived with his lies / affairs for over a decade and life is sweeter having left that shit behind.

Another 20 is right, you need to discuss narcissism/controlling personalities with the children.

Is it possible for the children to see their father without his girlfriend being around ?

Sorry, missed half the latest posts. Doesn't look hopeful at all :(

I think all you can do is try to be there for the kids and support them, as I think in the long run it will be their dad's abandoning them and failing to protect them and 'choose them' that will hurt more than the new partner's behaviour.

Poor kids :( its tough for you all OP

you should withold access/tell your ex that until he brings his girlfriend in line he won't be seeing the kids/"

I've RTFT and not one person has said anything near that.

We don't even know she was sulking. She might have removed herself from the situation because that is what we are so often told to do.

Well the g/f should be a bit more mature and explain to people that she's just taking some time out and not to worry, it's not personal...like a grown up would.

it does sound a bit as if the fourteen year old is playing you off against each other a bit.

It sounds like nothing of the sort. Honestly some of the nonsense people come out with on here.

I have a fourteen year old he's not great at advocating for himself yet and moe would I expect him to be. Funny how when grown adults come on here and ask for advice if dealing with overbearing and difficult people on their lives they get loads of strokes and advice and rarely get told that at their age they shoilf really sort their shit out and be able to deal with difficult interpersonal situations.

OP I think she sounds like a massive overbearing, bullying, rather spoilt bossy boots. I'd have lost my temper and had it out with her by now but that's not always the best way.

getoutofthatgarden are you a step parent?

It's not about maturity. You do not have to explain your every move. If it was an actual parent who had done it you wouldn't expect them to explain would you? You are allowed to want time out from your kids.

elizabeth I can understand you wanting that for your children but I don't think it's fair for you to say she is manipulative when you only have a second hand view of her and weren't actually there when it happened.

I sympathise with your younger DC op - I had a ridiculously sulky mother and our lives circled around placating her stupid selfish strops. Even as a teenager I would have found it very hard to push back, esp if my dad was encouraging me to fall in line (as your ex seems to be with your DC).

Also, if I were your DD I'd have been gutted at the horse-riding fiasco too. Tell me the truth, not whatever lies you think are necessary to get me to stay; and certainly don't then sulk because I react with disappointment when I realise you're untrustworthy and full of shit.

At least your DC have the option of just not engaging with the crazy - I would have KILLED for that. However, it sounds like that's not an option they can frequently deploy. They might find this helpful, although it is a tad aggressive in its language at the end I suppose the one bright side is that they are getting some very early-doors practice in establishing boundaries and resolving conflict peacefully and in a mature fashion which is more than you can say for the GF.

Good luck to you all!

getoutofthatgarden are you a step parent?

Yes I am. I have 2DSC. I would never dream of ignoring my DSD, ever. I don't care what the circumstances are, ignoring and huffing with any child is bang out of order. OPs DD even apologised to the G/F(she didn't/shouldn't have had to) and she STILL continued to huff. Disgraceful.

Yes I am. I have 2DSC. I would never dream of ignoring my DSD, ever. I don't care what the circumstances are, ignoring and huffing with any child is bang out of order. OPs DD even apologised to the G/F(she didn't/shouldn't have had to) and she STILL continued to huff. Disgraceful.

It's not about ignoring them it's about removing yourself from a situation. As I've stated previously we don't know if she was even "huffing" about dd do we?

Dd didn't have to apologise, no. And since it didn't change anything - maybe that wasn't the cause of the gf spending time alone anyway! Not everything revolves around ops children it could have been any number of things. We (and most likely dd) don't know.

It's not disgraceful to take yourself out of a situation you do not want to be in. We don't know how dd behaved. And at the end of the day it was her dad who made false promises and the gfs day (as well as dds) that got ruined and yet we are still blaming the gf.

The problem here is the dad surely? It's up to him to make it work.

At 14 she can say NO! to a haircut.
20yr old is not a child.
Your kids like her, can't see why she can't choose the family holiday - perhaps she's better at that kind of thing.

TBH she's a bit of a sulker - nobody's perfect and I think you just don't like her which is fine but I can't see much that she's done wrong.

phoenixtherabbit

I'm sorry, I don't agree. Yes it's ok to take yourself out of the situation but the g/f knew the DD was upset so she should have made her aware that she wasn't going upstairs because of her. Isn't it just manners to tell whoever is in the house that you're going for a lie down/bath etc?

No matter what way you look at it, the g/f overstepped the line. My DSD asked me to straighten her hair one day and I made sure I had her mothers permission first. I probably could have just went ahead anyway, it's not a big deal(not like a haircut) but I was giving her mother her place(and we don't even like each other), she said of course and thanked me for checking with her.

Phoenix.

I agree with a lot of what you've said. However, telling op not to say anything negative about the stepmother as it will cloud the children's judgment is wrong. You sound like a lovely and caring stepmother. This woman may also be lovely at times and yet she also has a lot of less desirable behaviour. As others have mentioned, the children absolutely need to be trained to deal with this behaviour, manipulation and emotional blackmail. If op doesn't help her children to deal with this behaviour, she isn't doing her job as a parent properly. So unfortunately, she is going to have to discuss this woman and it will not be she, who is clouding her children's judgment as I think the gf is doing a pretty good job on her own. She doesn't need to assassinate her character but she most certainly does need to discuss her inappropriate behaviour.

No matter what way you look at it, the g/f overstepped the line. My DSD asked me to straighten her hair one day and I made sure I had her mothers permission first. I probably could have just went ahead anyway, it's not a big deal(not like a haircut) but I was giving her mother her place(and we don't even like each other), she said of course and thanked me for checking with her

See i think it's ott to ask about straightening hair. The dad is a parent too he has just as much right to decide surely?

littledragon you can easily discuss things that have happened and how to deal with them without being explicitly negative about the gf. Me and dp have had to discuss much inappropriate behaviour recently and I have managed to keep my seething hatred well under wraps whilst being able to explain what ss should do in that situation should it arise again.

You don't have to pretend somethings ok if it isn't, but you shouldn't express your personal opinion on the other party I don't personally think.

Sulking can absolutely be a form of abuse. My step mum would ignore me for days if I'd done something 'wrong' in her eyes, without telling me what it was.

OP this sounds exactly like her and I cannot believe posters telling you you're child's welfare is none of your business. Frankly I'm not interested in labelling people as abusive or narcissistic etc. as I don't know her but she is upsetting your children and not setting them a good example and that would be enough for me to make it my business.

What exactly would you propose op do about it leonardo?

I like LaContessa's link.