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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Lied to DH, do I just come clean?

193 replies

OverTheHammer · 11/07/2017 12:40

I asked him if he'd mind me joining David Lloyd for £50 a month. He agreed but said "as long as its no more than £50 a month".

When I went to join up however I signed up for platinum account as I wanted Tennis included. Always loved playing tennis but never anyone to play with - the club hosts club nights where everyone just rotates so it's perfect for me.

When I got back he said "still definately £50 a month right?" And I didn't have the heart to tell him so I said it was just £50 a month.

The real price however is £65 a month. Not a massive difference but he won't be happy. First month they're only taking £50 as they have a special deal on but on 1st august, they'll take £65.

I thought in my head I'd just say the extra is a £15 one off joining few but I'm going to have to come clean arnt I?

OP posts:
RidingWindhorses · 11/07/2017 15:14

He really needs to get out more. I meant that genuinely it's not health to only have work, computer and wife in his life. He needs exercise, to get out into the fresh air.

timeisnotaline · 11/07/2017 15:16

I would just tell him. I realised how much I missed playing tennis so went for this amount. Now, you don't have to hear me moan about lack of tennis partners. if you moan about this I will unplug your computer as we all need our hobbies not just you

RidingWindhorses · 11/07/2017 15:16

If he wants to live his weird tight hemmed in little life, that shouldn't impact on you. You shouldn't be put in a position where you resort to lying over something like this.

Dibbles1967 · 11/07/2017 15:19

Tell him definitely.

Come back here when he kicks off & we can deal with the fall out! Does he also have gym membership?

Original poster
OverTheHammer · 11/07/2017 15:31

No he doesn't have gym membership. I've asked him to join with me as we used to swim together etc but he says he's not a "fitness" person.

No drip feeding. I've never ran up debt in my life. I've lived on as little as £10 a week and never ran up debt. I only have a credit card now as we use it to our own benefit like someone else mentioned.

I've not always had money. Wasn't that long ago that I thought I was loaded if I had £20 left at the end of the month and would sleep in Woolley jumpers as I had no money for the gas meter. I'm certainly not someone's who been born with a silver spoon and treats money like it's nothing. I know how fortunate I am and I'm truely grateful for everything I have.

OP posts:
MackerelOfFact · 11/07/2017 15:38

I'd go with "They were doing an offer with free tennis included for the first month - after that it's £15. Seems like good value so if I use it, I'm going to keep it." End of discussion.

He sounds controlling, stingy and boring though. If he thinks it's a 'one-person luxury' then bring him along for tennis!

Neutrogena · 11/07/2017 15:40

He will be displeased with you. He asked you specifically and you lied twice.
He will be thinking 'why lie? What is she hiding?'

Try to be more honest in future. Sounds like you don't respect your OH

Collaborate · 11/07/2017 15:42

I find it remarkable some of the responses on here. Complaining that husband gets to decide (he doesn't - it was a joint decision - OP consulted him), then apparently this is something OP should decide on her pwn without consulting husband (I think the clue here is that she wanted them both to join - only on MN would some think that was for the wife to decide on her own).

OP - you were unreasonable to lie about the cost, and you'll have to come clean (the sooner the better, and hopefully before it's too late to withdraw from a 12 month contract). YANBU to want to do something together.

BlondeGinger · 11/07/2017 15:54

Collaborate - why shouldn't she decide on her own? She earns her own money, as long as she's paid her half of the bills, why can't she make her own choices on what to spend her money on?
I'd never dream of consulting my DP about me wanting to join the gym or the cost. Same as I wouldn't expect him to consult me about what he spends his money on.

user1499333856 · 11/07/2017 15:54

Why on earth do we submit ourselves to these controlling, inhibiting relationships? In the circumstances, it's none of his business. Unless you're not telling the whole truth about household income you need to get a backbone. Wouldn't you be mortified if one of your kids had to scrape and grovel to spend 15 quid!

user1499333856 · 11/07/2017 16:01

And the more often you ask permission to do things, the more power you hand over. When you ask it also indicates you have poor judgement and can't make a decision in your own right. Don't lie, make sensible financial decisions and expect to be an equal in the relationship.

Motherbear26 · 11/07/2017 16:06

Just caught up. To be honest he doesn't like spending on one person luxuries translates to me as 'he doesn't like me doing anything on my own'. You shouldn't be afraid to tell him you're spending £15 a month when you have a more than adequate disposable income. And he certainly shouldn't be allocating random amounts of money for your interests when he clearly has no idea how much things cost. The fact that he has no hobbies shouldn't prevent you from indulging in yours. You need to put a stop to this.

cowbag1 · 11/07/2017 16:07

But it is his business, it's presumably been set up as a direct debit payment to come out of an account that he is jointly liable for!

KimmySchmidt1 · 11/07/2017 16:12

This is why joint accounts are ludicrous - agree your spending money each and keep that in a separate account, that way he can go whistle if he doesnt like what you're spending your portion on (and vice versa). The rest can go in the joint account.

The problem seems to me the fact you earn your own money, are not on a tight budget, but still have to ask his permission for something as innocuous as a gym membership.

You have got yourself in a right subservient position there.

Neutrogena · 11/07/2017 16:16

The OH sounds like he had control issues, but the main issue is that the OP told a brazen lie to his face, and should come clean.

user1499333856 · 11/07/2017 16:19

From a joint account he is as much liable for any unsupervised purchases made at Tesco as a pitiful 15 quid. It's nit picking, pedantic and boorish over such a small amount. If it was hundreds of pounds more when money is short then I would see it differently. As it stands, letting a small amount go and not kicking the life out of OPs fun seems like a very sensible action for the OH to take. Not everything, in minute detail, needs to be discussed, negotiated and done through consultation. What a drab and dry way to live.

Ropsleybunny · 11/07/2017 16:20

I used to be a member of a sports club and it was more expensive than that! Sounds like a great deal to me.

Anyway, I don't recollect my DH even knowing or caring how much I was paying but that's because we have our own money to spend on whatever.

I couldn't bear having to ask someone else if I could spend some money. Could I suggest OP that you sit down and work out how you can have some money of your own that you can spend without asking.

RidingWindhorses · 11/07/2017 16:21

Has Collaborate jetted in from the 19th c?

user1499333856 · 11/07/2017 16:23

OP, you have done two things wrong here. One is asking permission and the second is lying about it.

The dynamics of your marriage are very uneven and not in your best interests.

MrsTerryPratchett · 11/07/2017 16:25

Gym is not a luxury in this house, it's 'health' which is budgeted but not limited unless we're not using something. DH even had an expensive personal trainer for a while because he wanted it and got a lot out of it.
DH has gym membership and I have run entries and running shoes etc.

We then have personal 'pocket money' which is for crap we want (beer for DH, expensive electronics and bags for me).

In your case, just because your DH isn't interested in the gym, doesn't mean you have to accept his ideas. Are the trips abroad and the takeaways a fully joint decision?

ShuttyTown · 11/07/2017 16:28

You've got over 2k a month SPARE and you're worried about an extra £15. Hmm bizarre

BoozaySuzay · 11/07/2017 16:44

Just come clean. I don't really see an issue. If you have that much spare to play with, surely it would be fine?

BewareOfDragons · 11/07/2017 16:44

He might not be a 'fitness' person, but you are. And you are going to enjoy your gym membership that includes tennis. End of. Tell him this.

It's your life, too. Why should you spend it doing absolutely nothing you want to do because he doesn't want to waste money. Enjoying life and keeping fit are not a waste of money or time. He doesn't have to go. But he can't expect you to do nothing except sit at home when you're not working watching/listening to him play his stupid computer games.

You should seriously consider this a deal breaker if he tries to make you give this up. And if you have to keep hiding all your spending, I'd think hard on that, too.

Neutrogena · 11/07/2017 16:50

This is about the lying. Whatever the background, the OP lied and she should come clean.

MatildaTheCat · 11/07/2017 16:54

Cheer him up by boasting what a great deal you have. And you have, our DL membership for gym, classes and swimming but NO tennis is £176 a month for a couple.

The only wasteful gym membership is one that only gets used a few times a year or less. Use it and enjoy it.

Out of interest what will you do if he refuses this? So don't ask, tell him.