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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Lied to DH, do I just come clean?

193 replies

OverTheHammer · 11/07/2017 12:40

I asked him if he'd mind me joining David Lloyd for £50 a month. He agreed but said "as long as its no more than £50 a month".

When I went to join up however I signed up for platinum account as I wanted Tennis included. Always loved playing tennis but never anyone to play with - the club hosts club nights where everyone just rotates so it's perfect for me.

When I got back he said "still definately £50 a month right?" And I didn't have the heart to tell him so I said it was just £50 a month.

The real price however is £65 a month. Not a massive difference but he won't be happy. First month they're only taking £50 as they have a special deal on but on 1st august, they'll take £65.

I thought in my head I'd just say the extra is a £15 one off joining few but I'm going to have to come clean arnt I?

OP posts:
SSYMONDS · 11/07/2017 13:12

People's lives are so different! I'd lie to my husband, he's know I was lying and we'd laugh about it. We're both a bit shit with money but the upside is, wouldn't dream of telling each other what to spend.

Glumglowworm · 11/07/2017 13:13

As you've said you'll barely notice the financial difference, it shouldn't matter.

You shouldn't lie about it, but equally hwbu to over react about a small amount of your substantial spare money. He shouldn't be dictating what you can spend like that. You can afford it easily, you will get your money's worth for it.

Gladys123 · 11/07/2017 13:13

Omg just get separate accounts! No faffing about who can spend what then. We have a joint bills axcount but our own current accounts. He earns 70k and puts 1850 a month in i earn 20k and put 400 a month in. Anything left over is our own to do with what we like. Job done!

Pippa12 · 11/07/2017 13:13

...and if you dont spend money on yourself does he flitter £500 p/w on himself??? It doesn't make any sense...

ThymeLord · 11/07/2017 13:15

OP is he controlling in other ways?

PartOstrich · 11/07/2017 13:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Shoxfordian · 11/07/2017 13:16

I don't think you should have lied either but why is it his decision and not a joint discussion about money?

Original poster
OverTheHammer · 11/07/2017 13:17

No to be fair he never spends money on himself - I have to force him to buy new clothes as if he had his way, he'd just buy second hand stuff off eBay. He has no hobbies other than the computer. I've told him to go to golf with his mates or even come to gym/tennis with me but he refuses saying he doesn't want to "waste" the money.

By the end of each month after takeaways and treats etc we tend to have £1k in bank which then gets spent on doing up the house or simply rolls over to next month's money.

OP posts:
FacelikeaBagofHammers · 11/07/2017 13:22

Come clean, but tell him he's being rediculous.

Anyway, you can't put a price on health and fitness (at least that's what I always say!)

HurtleTheTurtle · 11/07/2017 13:23

It's not really about the money, or how much you have at the end of the month though.

Do you think he will be angry that it's 65 not 50? Why haven't you told him you included tennis for an extra 15 each month?

paxillin · 11/07/2017 13:24

Unless you are on the breadline and those £15 come out of the food budget I think he is very controlling. Lying isn't going to help of course, but you should not need to report such a sum.

SaucyJack · 11/07/2017 13:24

Strange to be so anxious about money when you're very comfortable financially. Did he grow up in poverty?

Anyway, is he likely to become angry with you? If not, just tell him you've gone for the platinum membership and that's that. There's nothing needing discussing when you have that amount of spare cash.

If he is likely to punish you in some way.... you've got a much bigger problem than a gym membership. Do you want to live like this?

Original poster
OverTheHammer · 11/07/2017 13:25

Not to drip feed but we have put a holiday to the Far East on my 0% interest credit card. It currently stands at £3k but even paying £400 a month on it we still have £2k a month spare. I do know it stresses him out knowing it's there though so maybe this plays a factor

OP posts:
Hissy · 11/07/2017 13:27

You have the first payment now of £50

Use the gym etc and tennis etc as you want and then tell him that you are adding Tennis to the account for £15/month

NOTE: Tell. or Inform if you prefer.

DO NOT 'ASK'

You earn enough to pay for this from your salary outright, the fact that he has no desire to do anything for himself is irrelevant, you wouldn't stop him paying golf fees etc, he just chooses to do nothing. His shout.

KoalaDownUnder · 11/07/2017 13:27

This doesn't make sense. If you have £2k a month 'spare', why not just pay the holiday off?

Hissy · 11/07/2017 13:28

If the CC debt is bothering him and you have £2k left every month, then you can STILL pay half now, half next month and STILL have cash to fund your gym.

Hissy · 11/07/2017 13:28

it's 0% though, so not 'costing' anything

KoalaDownUnder · 11/07/2017 13:30

Yes, but OP said it's 'stressing him out'. So why not get rid of it?

Crunchymum · 11/07/2017 13:30

If you can afford it, why is he saying no?

  • Because he is financially abusive / controlling
  • Because he is jealous the OP has hobbies outside of him / the home
  • Because the OP has got into the habit of asking his permission

Why the Hell have you put a holiday on a credit card when you are often "rolling over £1K a month" ???

Original poster
OverTheHammer · 11/07/2017 13:31

DH likes to see lots of money in bank so we tend to buy holidays on 0% credit cards and then just pay them off before we actually go. I prefer this too to be fair.

DH was not poor as a child but grew up in council house with minimum wage parents so he didn't grow up with lots of spare income

OP posts:
Hissy · 11/07/2017 13:31

Oh I agree Koala, but its not like it matters tbh, it's not costing anything either way

he sounds very odd tbh

loveka · 11/07/2017 13:32

David Lloyd 50 quid a month?! I am so jealous, it's pushing £100 here.

I think you should be honest, but if the household can afford it then you should do it. There should be an open discussion, not asking permission.

Original poster
OverTheHammer · 11/07/2017 13:33

I was poor growing up btw! Single parent unemployed mum, charity shop wardrobe and never any spare money

OP posts:
ThymeLord · 11/07/2017 13:33

Just tell him what the cost is. Don't ask for gods sake! He isn't your father, your keeper, your boss. If he chooses to have no social life and no hobbies then that's his choice, it certainly doesn't mean that you should do the same.

anchor9 · 11/07/2017 13:33

first of all, he sounds controlling and Confused how much you and he make respectively is absolutely irrelevant.

secondly, my DP and I put all our money in our joint account, then we each take out 500 to our personal accounts so we can spend it as we choose without the other person eyeballing. just an idea - keeps everything under control, maintains autonomy.

anyway, have you really considered whether this man is a good partner? if he thinks he's so superior because he earns more? so what if you had a baby and stayed at home earning nothing, does your contribution being not financial mean your opinion is completely cancelled out? I'm serious ... that's something that needs clarifying f you are planning children. partners need to be equal.