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Original poster

To announce on Facebook I'm not changing my name?!

500 replies

gingerbreadkid · 10/07/2017 06:14

I am getting married in a couple of months and will be keeping my surname and title of Ms.

When this has cropped up in conversation people have been losing their minds! Couple of examples: 1. Talking with colleague and she spluttered but it's the law! After being pressured to give my reasons why she nodded and made all the right noises then whispered but what does your DP think about it?? And said in a way that he must object.

  1. Man at venue for wedding breakfast said we could have light up letters in Mr & Mrs and I replied oh I won't be Mrs. And he looked at me in complete confusion. I said I'll still be Ms kid. And right away he came out with but what's the point of getting married?! He actually said that! Hmm

It has been brought up in conversation with a couple of others and they have been incredulous. I'm starting to find it a bit tedious tbh. To me it's not A. Big. Deal. But seemingly it is to others!

I'm waiting for the swathes of wedding cards to be addressed to Mr & Mrs DP's Surname. And I'm getting a little annoyed that it is just assumed I'm changing my name.

I am tempted to make a public announcement on Facebook telling everyone I'm not changing my name! Only half joking. I don't wan't to make a big deal out of it but I don't want to be suddenly addressed as someone I'm not!

OP posts:
TittyGolightly · 10/07/2017 22:09

Because you are implying that being married to your husband is an achievement. It isn't!

Wh0Kn0wsWhereTheTimeGoes · 10/07/2017 22:13

Yes, because ignoring the fsct that forms have been pre-filled with information that is factuslly incorrect is always a good idea.

NameChange30 · 10/07/2017 22:17

Meh. You always get people on threads like this saying but I love my hubby soooo much I just love being Mrs and all being a family as if married women who don't change their surnames don't love their spouse and aren't a family Hmm

It gets so boringly predictable after a while.

Original poster
gingerbreadkid · 11/07/2017 05:48

And the problem is that we're not empowered to do as we like because, although we have a choice here, we are still having to deal with bullshit men aren't. The men aren't having these discussions about what they call themselves, are they? I'm not empowered to have what I want, which is a neutral term attracting no comment, a genuine equivalent to Mr

@WankYouForTheMusic

This is exactly my point, in relation to my surname too. I've been Ms for years now and I'm constantly asked are you Mrs or Miss, I reply Mzzz. And get this look Hmm If society insists on having separate titles the simple question of what's your title will suffice!!!

I hate the presumption I will be changing my name. Men do not have this. My DP is more than happy for me to keep my surname, although he was shocked I wouldn't be Mrs at first. I said what business is it of anyone's what my marriage status us when you are Mr forevermore?? After having it pointed out he was understanding and has these types of conversations with anyone if they come up.

OP posts:
SpecialStains · 11/07/2017 06:48

Let people know you're not changing your name in advance - we got lots of cheques addressed to Mr and Mrs DH surname which we had a nightmare trying to get the bank to accept them. Lady in the bank actually said to me 'but you have to change your name, you're married'. I had warned everyone in advance I was going to stay Ms.Special but sadly there's lots of ignorant and sexist attitudes still out there, masquerading as 'its tradition'. I don't care what other people do, but if you've been informed someone's name is Ms. X is bloody rude to call them Mrs. Y.

Wh0Kn0wsWhereTheTimeGoes · 11/07/2017 06:52

Even if you haven't been informed that Ms X intends to remain as Ms X it's rude to assume anyone has changed their name and title unless you have checked or they have announced it.

AlmostAJillSandwich · 11/07/2017 07:04

I cannot stand my surname, unless i meet a guy who is perfect for me but has the grave misfortune of having an even uglier sounding surname than i do, i'm taking his. I prefer the sound of Ms to both Miss or Mrs so i will probably use Ms even if/when i'm married.

Quite honestly, if opening a bunch of wedding cards and seeing "Mrs husbands name" in all of them, is something that is going to cause bad feeling, i think you should mention on FB that you're not changing your name.

Just along the lines of "just wanted to let people know informally, that i will still be Ms Gingerbread after the wedding" or even in your wedding invites, inviting them to the wedding of "Mr fiance and Ms Gingerbread (married title)".

The first person i knew to keep their maiden name was my year 5 teacher back in 2000. One of the kids in our class asked what her husbands name was and referred to her as Mrs his last name, and she jokingly told him not to call her that again as she was keeping her own last name. I am assuming she kept it for professional reasons. Two of the GP's at my local doctors got married, there's posters up in the waiting room letting people know Doctor X is now knows as MRS doctor Y. When you check in to the automated system it states her name with (previously doctor X) after it. It must be a bit confusing for some of her regular patients or those more elderly. Her engagement ring was gorgeous though.

SpecialStains · 11/07/2017 07:04

Wh0Kn0ws - I agree, and because I didn't change my name and hate being called Mrs DHSurname that is always something I check. I have found it a little sad that none of my clever and well-educated friends that have recently got married or are going to get married (I'm 27 everyone's at it at the moment!) are keeping their own name.

I also bloody hated the fact that on my ds's birth certificate my surname is recorded as my maiden name. Fuck off with that - it's my only name. Why isn't my DHs surname recorded as a bachelor name?

SoupDragon · 11/07/2017 07:07

I have found it a little sad that none of my clever and well-educated friends that have recently got married or are going to get married (I'm 27 everyone's at it at the moment!) are keeping their own name.

Yeah, because every woman who changes their name is thick.

SpecialStains · 11/07/2017 07:10

No soup dragon I don't mean that - my friends are far from thick and I would never judge a woman like that! It's just that it's not really a choice when society pressures you so much, if that makes sense? That to choose otherwise is still so far from societal norms.

SpecialStains · 11/07/2017 07:13

Excuse all the typos, my little double barrelled gremilin has been unwell and up throughout the night and since 5.30 and I'm shattered.

Wh0Kn0wsWhereTheTimeGoes · 11/07/2017 07:14

I agree that it's a good idea to announce it Jill, to save the embarassment of people who get it wrong by assuming. But there is something wrong with the fact that so many people still assume that a woman will change her name and title but never do the same to a man. I agree that people should feel free to use whatever name and title they want to but the default should be to assume no one has changed - let the changers do the announcing.

TittyGolightly · 11/07/2017 07:14

I am assuming she kept it for professional reasons.

Hmm
SoupDragon · 11/07/2017 07:19

No soup dragon I don't mean that

But that is what you said or implied. Otherwise the cleverness and education standard of the women you know is irrelevant.

This kind of thing crops up on these threads equally as often as the "proud to be a Mrs/makes us a family” type comments. Both are ridiculous.

Refilona · 11/07/2017 07:27

I'm a Dr and whenever I make a reservation and I arrive with my husband, invariably they greet HIM as if he's the one who made the booking. We have the same surname because I hate my father and always hated my surname, and love our surname now.

HerSymphonyAndSong · 11/07/2017 07:28

@AlmostAJillSandwich if you cannot stand your surname you do not have to marry a man to change it

HerSymphonyAndSong · 11/07/2017 07:28

@AlmostAJillSandwich if you cannot stand your surname you do not have to marry a man to change it

SpecialStains · 11/07/2017 07:31

No, I am honestly not judging women for changing their names, I'm sorry if I misworded a previous post as that really wasn't my intent. I just see their educational level as proof that we don't live in an equal society where women are actually choosing to change their names, more that they feel pressure that they should, it's tradition, it's too hard to do otherwise etc.

I'm all for supporting women in their choices, I just want them to be genuine choices.

HerSymphonyAndSong · 11/07/2017 07:32

The thing is this doesn't even take up men's brain space but here we are, discussing it on another thread because even though most women don't want to "make a big deal" about their marital status or name, the world out there makes it one

redrobinblue · 11/07/2017 07:34

I think it's such a non starter. I know of four women who haven't changed their name, myself included. There hasn't been a fuss at all about name changes. Know it feels like it's a huge deal, but people will forget pretty quickly after the wedding build up. Regardless of that, I also know lots of women in industry who keep their maiden name at work even if they've changed to husbands surname when married.

I think it's a bit attention seeking to announce on Facebook OP.

echt · 11/07/2017 07:38

I think it's such a non starter. I know of four women who haven't changed their name, myself included. There hasn't been a fuss at all about name changes

Yeah, but the OP has encountered those who have made a fuss about her choices.

I think it's a bit attention seeking to announce on Facebook OP

See above.

WankYouForTheMusic · 11/07/2017 07:39

Wankyou....but why don't you feel empowered to do what you want? Who is forcing you to do otherwise? If you want to not take your husband's name, don't, end of.

The reason I don't feel empowered to do what I want is because I can't, and no amount of go grrling would make me be able to. I have done as much as I can in that I've kept my own name and I use Ms, but what I want is a neutral option for women like men have with Mr NotchangingmynamewhenIgetmarriedbecausewhywouldI, and that doesn't exist. And it's no fault of mine that it doesn't, either. That would be a wider society thing.

silverstorm · 11/07/2017 07:40

Yes I also think this is a non-starter. I doubt anyone will give it more than a second's thought tbh - why would they? Being called "Mr & Mrs" in your wedding day is just a euphemism for "newlyweds" by friends and family who only wish you the best. Who cares if a few gifts don't have your surname on?

echt · 11/07/2017 07:42

Wankyou, as I'm sure you know, there used to be "Mistress" for grown women, shortened to "Mrs". Miss was for girls.

I'd like this to be revived, but am not holding my breath.

WankYouForTheMusic · 11/07/2017 07:43

Being called "Mr & Mrs" in your wedding day is just a euphemism for "newlyweds" by friends and family who only wish you the best.

It has already been explained that that isn't necessarily the case, though. And that some people do care very deeply about a woman's decision to retain her own name, and take more time over not respecting that than it would to simply comply. I don't disagree that a FB announcement may not assist here, but it's also wrong that nobody will be bothered and everyone getting it wrong is doing so kindly.