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Original poster

To announce on Facebook I'm not changing my name?!

500 replies

gingerbreadkid · 10/07/2017 06:14

I am getting married in a couple of months and will be keeping my surname and title of Ms.

When this has cropped up in conversation people have been losing their minds! Couple of examples: 1. Talking with colleague and she spluttered but it's the law! After being pressured to give my reasons why she nodded and made all the right noises then whispered but what does your DP think about it?? And said in a way that he must object.

  1. Man at venue for wedding breakfast said we could have light up letters in Mr & Mrs and I replied oh I won't be Mrs. And he looked at me in complete confusion. I said I'll still be Ms kid. And right away he came out with but what's the point of getting married?! He actually said that! Hmm

It has been brought up in conversation with a couple of others and they have been incredulous. I'm starting to find it a bit tedious tbh. To me it's not A. Big. Deal. But seemingly it is to others!

I'm waiting for the swathes of wedding cards to be addressed to Mr & Mrs DP's Surname. And I'm getting a little annoyed that it is just assumed I'm changing my name.

I am tempted to make a public announcement on Facebook telling everyone I'm not changing my name! Only half joking. I don't wan't to make a big deal out of it but I don't want to be suddenly addressed as someone I'm not!

OP posts:
echt · 11/07/2017 07:43

Yes I also think this is a non-starter. I doubt anyone will give it more than a second's thought tbh - why would they? Being called "Mr & Mrs" in your wedding day is just a euphemism for "newlyweds" by friends and family who only wish you the best. Who cares if a few gifts don't have your surname on?

Read the OP's OP and see why this is not a non-starter.

Werecoyote · 11/07/2017 07:59

Due to the response so far I would say it so you don't have to listen to all this on the day. Something like "just a heads up, when me and x get married I'm keeping my maiden name." Let everyone loose their minds on FB then it stops the focus being on it on your actual wedding day.

From a personal point of view I'd also appreciate that so I could correctly address a card as usually newly weds love seeing mr and mrs on cards so that's how I tend to address them.

Wh0Kn0wsWhereTheTimeGoes · 11/07/2017 08:43

Being called Mr and Mrs on your wedding day if you are not planning to use Mrs is not a euphemisn for newlyweds IMO, it's an indication that the person who has wrongly assumed it is upholding sexist traditions. Of course it is well meant, but sexist nonetheless.

JassyRadlett · 11/07/2017 08:49

Of course it is well meant, but sexist nonetheless.

And lazy, given that a significant proportion of women don't change.

Gwenhwyfar · 11/07/2017 08:55

"Yeah, because every woman who changes their name is thick."

Something I've read on here many times is 'I changed my name because I didn't think about the option of not doing it'.
Of course, some women give it a lot of thought, but others do just join the herd.

AceholeRimmer · 11/07/2017 08:56

If me and DP get married I will not change my name and thankfully MN seems full of people who think the same. But I literally don't know anyone in RL who hasn't taken their husbands names so I think I would have the same problem as you OP.

Chchchchangeabout · 11/07/2017 09:24

I kept my name too. I still get letters from MIL and both sides of family to Mr and Mrs OH's firstname and surname. I just ignore it.

WankYouForTheMusic · 11/07/2017 09:44

It's interesting that whenever this subject comes up, there's invariably a chorus of posters telling us it's not a big deal, we're making a fuss over nothing etc, and only a tiny percentage of them are speaking from experience. They've almost all changed their own names.

With that in mind, why would anyone think themselves qualified to pronounce on something they're not affected by? Of course it's not a big deal to you, because it doesn't happen to you!

OoohSmooch · 11/07/2017 09:57

I didn't change my surname when I married a couple of years ago. Family and friends know but I still get cards addressed to Mr & Mrs my husbands surname which is irritating as well as ignorant.

On our wedding day I made sure everything was 'the bride and groom' rather than Mr & Mrs. Our venue didn't bat an eyelid and my horrible manager at work at the time was totally cavalier about it, much to my delight and surprise!

I've also stuck with Miss....one of my friends was trying to argue that even if I didn't change my name then I 'had to be Mrs' as I'd got married 😴

Eugh the people who harp on about your children or future children.....
My baby daughter has my husband's surname (which she did not get automatically, we discussed it!). So my daughter has a different surname to me, no it doesn't bother me.

Oh for anyone who says/asks 'what's the point in getting married?' If I only did it to change my surname then I may as well just change it by deedpoll and not bother with a wedding or worry about being married.

SpecialStains · 11/07/2017 09:58

It is a big deal and means a lot to me that I've kept my own name. To me, it's sexist when people who know I haven't changed my name call me Mrs, and I shouldn't have to put up with that. When I got married I actually got quite a lot of vitriol from my Mil and my own father for not changing my name. I had so many different people argue that I should change it and once had someone say 'well, that's special, she always has to be difficult'. No one would ever say that about a man refusing to change his name. And this was in the U.K. in 2014! So it's not a non issue and please let people know you're not changing your name so that other women might feel empowered to make the same choice.

WankYouForTheMusic · 11/07/2017 10:09

You don't even need a deed poll to change your name oohsmooh! Can do it for free without one. Even the very cheapest wedding is usually a couple of hundred.

stumblymonkeyagain · 11/07/2017 11:50

I like Bunlicker's suggested update.

FWIW both myself and my DP are changing our names so we will be:

Mr HerSurname HisSurname
Ms HerSurname HisSurname

This has literally blown some people's minds HmmGrin

stumblymonkeyagain · 11/07/2017 11:52

Even spoiled stupid young women who could do with a history lesson to know how good they have it thanks to silly old harpy feminists.

^ This

Blueflowers2011 · 11/07/2017 17:36

My making a FB announcement you'll be making a big deal out of it. You don't have to tell people, if they ask yes but there's no need to announce it as if it's a big deal.
Exactly this advice. This is getting more and more common around the people I know, my friend getting married in September is one of 6 women I know who are not changing! And why not??!

I reluctantly changed my name 6 years ago when I got married because OH made such a big deal, he even got me a passport form to make sure that was changed. But my mailing address, hotmail, debit cards all come in my maiden name and nobody at work knows me as my married name.

Keep your name if you feel that strongly and if they address you as 'Mrs xx' then just smile, you can tell people when you see them individually.

I am certain one day I will officially change mine back! Doesnt mean I love my OH any less but I do feel like its losing a huge part of me.

Sparklyglitter · 11/07/2017 17:50

If as you say you're not bothered, why bother announcing it? No-one is gonna see your bills, passport, accounts etc which will be in your maiden name - does it really matter if you get called mr and mrs his name? To be honest unless you are planning that your DP will book everything he's bound to get called Mr your surname often enough. To be honest in my house I book most things so my hubby would get called my name all the time if I'd kept my maiden name! Several of my bank accounts are still on my maiden name 15 years later and I only changed my passport recently but I was still mrs married name to most people - so couldn't you do the same??? I'd just tell the closest people to you and leave it at that xx

FoodGloriousFud · 11/07/2017 17:50

I would hate to have a different surname to my husband and children... We're a proper little unit and our name reflects that. If you're so adamant not to be a Mrs why have a wedding, surely a registry office one afternoon would suffice?

MargaretCavendish · 11/07/2017 17:54

Food I know, I wanted us all to have one surname too. But my husband wouldn't change his, so what can you do?

MargaretCavendish · 11/07/2017 17:55

does it really matter if you get called mr and mrs his name?

It matters to me that I'm not called 'Mrs Husbandname' to about the same degree that it matters that I'm not called 'Angela Fluffbottom'. Which is a fair amount, because it's not my sodding name.

Bunlicker · 11/07/2017 18:07

would hate to have a different surname to my husband and children... We're a proper little unit and our name reflects that. If you're so adamant not to be a Mrs why have a wedding, surely a registry office one afternoon would suffice?

Lol Grin 'proper little unit'
I have to agree you are.

Does the op's child and relationship not count as she didn't change her name?

Why didn't your husband change his to yours?

Blueflowers2011 · 11/07/2017 18:09

There is a man at my work who has been married 20 years and took his wife's name and double barrelled it with his. There are no bloody rules, do what you want.

You will still 'be one'..blah blah

Mumzypopz · 11/07/2017 18:14

Another Emma...I think you have totally misread and interpreted my post the way you want to see it. I am proud to be Mrs....you may have read and interpreted that as I am proud to be an underling to my husband. Not true. Perhaps I should have put proud and happy to be Mrs... In that I have absolutely no problem with it whatsoever. Doesn't mean I'm a gushing "I luuurv my husband type of way at all. Doesn't mean I'm saying it's an accomplishment either, although must say I think it is an accomplishment to be married for so long. I get that a lot of women don't like it and that's absolutely fine too (did debate with myself for a long time whether to keep my own name etc too), but please don't think it's sad if people choose to be Mrs. I would like to think in this day and age women have a lot more choice and confidence to do whatever they like. I certainly feel I have been able to.

AnnabelC · 11/07/2017 18:15

I have daughters who have children and aren't married and it seems tradition for the children to take the fathers name. It would be nice if the children had my daughters name as well so they match. I know it sounds silly. OP have you thought of a double barrelled name. I don't know if you have children or thinking of. Might be talking out of turn.

Wh0Kn0wsWhereTheTimeGoes · 11/07/2017 18:15

It matters to me because not only do I not want to be called Mrs Hisname, I don't want to be mistaken for someone who wants to be called Mrs Hisname.

Craigie · 11/07/2017 18:16

You're making a big deal about it by getting so worked up. In the overall scheme of things, your surname & title mean fuck all. Calm down.

Mumzypopz · 11/07/2017 18:18

Who knows......so don't then?