To announce on Facebook I'm not changing my name?!

[gingerbreadkid]

I am getting married in a couple of months and will be keeping my surname and title of Ms.

When this has cropped up in conversation people have been losing their minds! Couple of examples: 1. Talking with colleague and she spluttered but it's the law! After being pressured to give my reasons why she nodded and made all the right noises then whispered but what does your DP think about it?? And said in a way that he must object.

1. Man at venue for wedding breakfast said we could have light up letters in Mr & Mrs and I replied oh I won't be Mrs. And he looked at me in complete confusion. I said I'll still be Ms kid. And right away he came out with but what's the point of getting married?! He actually said that!

It has been brought up in conversation with a couple of others and they have been incredulous. I'm starting to find it a bit tedious tbh. To me it's not A. Big. Deal. But seemingly it is to others!

I'm waiting for the swathes of wedding cards to be addressed to Mr & Mrs DP's Surname. And I'm getting a little annoyed that it is just assumed I'm changing my name.

I am tempted to make a public announcement on Facebook telling everyone I'm not changing my name! Only half joking. I don't wan't to make a big deal out of it but I don't want to be suddenly addressed as someone I'm not!

Your mind-reading abilities are as dazzlingly flawless as your manners, your logic and your value to this thread

And of course, if it's worth pointing out that a woman's name was usually given to her by her father, it's worth pointing out that the same is true of men. So if a woman is giving up her father's name rather than her own, she's taking her father in law's rather than her husband's.

Absolutely. But if the woman in question is happier with that name, who are you to have a view on it? Why is it your business?

The implication of this always seems to be that men actually have names and women just borrow them; no one ever tells my brother that he has my dad's name, but he got it exactly the same way he did.

It's not an implication; it's legal fact. Women had no status and were not legal persons. Men were. That's the historical context. Whichever name we hold. We can break it by choosing our own, or using our mother's so it's matrilineal for at least one generation, but I don't really see a great feminist blow being struck by choosing one man's name rather than another, if you get down to it.

The nitty gritty is about identity, I think. I don't want to lose a name which signifies who I am in my own mind. And I get irritated by anyone pearl-clutching over that. I don't see judging women who choose differently on that as being any more constructive.

My SIL didn't change her name. In her a speech my brother proposed a toast to his wife, Mrs Firstname MaidenName. I thought she'd keep her original name, it's nicer than mine was

but I don't really see a great feminist blow being struck by choosing one man's name rather than another

I'm not taking a random man's. I'm taking my parent's name the one I was born with.

The system will remain as such until there is a generation of girls who are getting their names from their mothers because those women kept their names.

I've got my mum's surname :)

It's not an implication; it's legal fact. Women had no status and were not legal persons. Men were. That's the historical context.

That might be historical context, but it isn't current 'legal fact'. I now hold my name on the same basis as my brother does - either it designates us both as our father's property or neither of us.

Absolutely. But if the woman in question is happier with that name, who are you to have a view on it? Why is it your business?

Why do you think that question is relevant to the post you quoted?

Of the New York Furchesters?

Dd1 has my name, so she won't be choosing between the names of 2 men. But since she's more likely to marry a woman than a man, if she ever gets married, I suspect there will be more thought about names than in a lot of heterosexual marriages, mainly because there isn't the tradition thing to fall back on.

Dd2 has dh's surname, as we thought it was only fair we get one each. So she's in the same position as I was when deciding whether to keep her own name, or take her husband's.

My mother changed hers to one of her own choosing. I don't want it because it's a strongly religious one.

Incidentally, to those who are opposed to Mrs/Miss on historical grounds, the history is rather different. I prefer Ms on modern sociological grounds, because the fact remains that we don't have forms of address for men reflective of their marital status, but the words as denoting marital status are fairly modern. It's a misapprehension to believe otherwise.

I also think Mrs/Miss will die out. In the US and in Australia my understanding is that using either is poor etiquette unless the person indicates they prefer them. Ms is the default.

but I don't really see a great feminist blow being struck by choosing one man's name rather than another, if you get down to it.

But it's my name, however I got it (ultimately from some folk in the Middle Ages who felt the need to identify my ancestor by occupation). I had it for 30 years before marriage. It is as much mine as is my first name.

I think posting on Facebook might be making a big issue. Just let people know afterwards. I kept my last name and always use Ms. It has never really an issue. Sometimes people call me Mrs husbands/child's last name and i just politely correct them. This is the norm in this country so expect some people to get it wrong occasionally. Where my dad comes from the women never change their name when they get married. They keep their birth name and the children's last name is a combination of the parents. Whether you change your name or not has absolutely no reflection on your wedding vows or your relationship with your children. there are lots of 'traditions that are patriarchal and/or out dated that many women don't want to keep. Good luck with your wedding day and don't let this get in the way of having a good time.

I suppose when I got married, I just saw it as replacing the name passed down through male generations in my family, with the name passed down through male generations of his family. The fact is, that is what it was.
I might have felt differently if my name had been passed down a female line. But it wasn't, so I didn't.
Aside from all that I felt as if I wanted to name-change because it felt like a new start and I wanted us both to have the same name as any DC.
I suppose we could have chosen an entirely new name, but I didn't feel the need.

Yes, Ms is the default in the US.

Fucking Hell. This is bonkers. I chose to keep my name because it's totally awesome. It's alliterative for a start.
My choice to keep my name in no way reflects the strength of our marriage. If anything it's stronger. We are together of our own free will. It was my choice to marry, his choice to marry me and each other's choice to keep our own names and it's a beautiful daily, hourly, minute by minute, every second of every day choice to stay together despite arguments, despite building works and because we love each other freely.It's also anyone else's choice to take their husband's name, however I wonder how many people thought it through, or just assumed it was the done thing. Incidentally DH's parents kept their own surnames and gave their children different surnames after their Grandmothers. But that's hippies for you.

Soup - sorry I didn't mean to be so rude. I don't have an issue with what other people call themselves, but I felt very strongly that I didn't want to change my name on marriage and therefore don't want anyone mistakenly thinking I was happy to do so. So I can't just let it go as some on here have said they do or would, it really irks me. I hate having to correct people as it gets very mixed reactions, I just so wish people wouldn't assume I changed.

But it's my name, however I got it (ultimately from some folk in the Middle Ages who felt the need to identify my ancestor by occupation). I had it for 30 years before marriage. It is as much mine as is my first name.

Sure, but that's about identity. (And I feel the same way, so I'm not belittling that in any way - the line following the one you quoted reads, The nitty gritty is about identity, I think. I don't want to lose a name which signifies who I am in my own mind.) It's not about patrilineal inheritance - on either side.

I now hold my name on the same basis as my brother does - either it designates us both as our father's property or neither of us.

And neither of you holds your mother's.

also think Mrs/Miss will die out. In the US and in Australia my understanding is that using either is poor etiquette unless the person indicates they prefer them. Ms is the default

Yes I've been Ms since I was a teenager

I just so wish people wouldn't assume I changed.

One of my cousins was appalled and horrified when I didn't. She kept saying things like, "but that's so unfair on him!" and "But you won't have the same name as your children!"

Her reaction when I said I would, because they'd have mine... she was genuinely upset for my husband. It just seemed wrong to her, and that was the word she kept using. With the moral significance of the word.

She's a lot younger than I am, was the depressing part.

I don't mind the assumption because that's the standard with names and married women, even now. I do mind the judgement. It's a perfectly reasonable choice, and it speaks volumes that so many people think it isn't, or that your husband deserves pity over another human being's identity, or that you must lack commitment. It's sad.

And neither of you holds your mother's.

Things have to change somewhere. If everyone thought of it like this no women would ever keep their surnames. No matter where I got it from, my surname is mine and it will never change.

On that note I was shocked so many people in this country thinks it means divorced in this country

Miss: Not found a man
married: found a man
ms: lost her man

No harm in it at all, everyone on my facebook actually knows me and sends me stuff so they'd need to know if my name changed.
I've never taken on any of my husbands names and my son took my name (much to his fathers disgust). i said to him I gave birth to this child and carried him for 9 months so why does he automatically get your name?

I changed my name, because he was bothered and I was 22 - now I'm much older and have reverted back to my maiden name - its my name, my identity, I like it, I never liked the tradition which I feel is linked to ownership.

Those asking why marry? What thunderclaps said - marriage is a legal contract, there is no legal common-law marriage, if you are living together 20 years or if you have a one night stand the law regards you in the same way if you are unmarried, your partner is responsible for his share of childrens maintenance, but what's his is his and what's yours is yours. If you are married then all assets accumulated during that marriage are regarded as held jointly. Also if one of you dies inheritance tax thresholds are different and if one of you dies without a will it is regarded differently.

All of those saying it is a legal thing and not a pretty little ceremony......how much did you spend on your legal contract? If you went all bridezilla then its just a bit silly. Registry office and a handful of friends would suffice.

To be perfectly honest my wedding was about love. Of course I was obviously a naive 20 year old when I wed.

On the issue of holding a mothers name, my father had his maternal grandmothers name as a middle name, as does my brother, my paternal grandmother had it too, I've given my children my surname as a middle name. Seems a nice tradition.