To announce on Facebook I'm not changing my name?!

[gingerbreadkid]

I am getting married in a couple of months and will be keeping my surname and title of Ms.

When this has cropped up in conversation people have been losing their minds! Couple of examples: 1. Talking with colleague and she spluttered but it's the law! After being pressured to give my reasons why she nodded and made all the right noises then whispered but what does your DP think about it?? And said in a way that he must object.

1. Man at venue for wedding breakfast said we could have light up letters in Mr & Mrs and I replied oh I won't be Mrs. And he looked at me in complete confusion. I said I'll still be Ms kid. And right away he came out with but what's the point of getting married?! He actually said that!

It has been brought up in conversation with a couple of others and they have been incredulous. I'm starting to find it a bit tedious tbh. To me it's not A. Big. Deal. But seemingly it is to others!

I'm waiting for the swathes of wedding cards to be addressed to Mr & Mrs DP's Surname. And I'm getting a little annoyed that it is just assumed I'm changing my name.

I am tempted to make a public announcement on Facebook telling everyone I'm not changing my name! Only half joking. I don't wan't to make a big deal out of it but I don't want to be suddenly addressed as someone I'm not!

Said this before, but married 25 yrs ago (catholic wedding) and during the prep we all went through, i said to my priest that i wasnt changing my name, the response was that there was a lot of unneccessary traditions involved and that it was the mass that mattered and how you lived your marriage that mattered. Name changes, rings,it was just fluff. Keep your own name.

You may all have a point but it saddens me that people are marrying to purely protect their assets rather than love.

Well, I do love my assets, such as they are.

I find it ridiculous for people to get offended if you are called Mrs husbands-name

I'm not offended if people make a mistake, any more than my husband is if people call him Mr Myname.

I am fairly annoyed though when people continually insist on calling me Mrs Hisname despite knowing it's not my name. Especially when they follow it up by telling me I am Mrs Hisname "really".

Funnily enough, that never happens to my husband.

Well, I for one didn't marry because of love. I mean, I love my husband and see this as a permanent relationship, but I that would be the case if we were married or not - the state of marriage is irrelevant to that. Before we got married we lived together, we'd made our life together, we shared a family - we were a unit. The only thing marriage has changed is our legal status. Our children are far better protected now should one of us die, for example, which seems a pretty good reason to have done it.

You may all have a point but it saddens me that people are marrying to purely protect their assets rather than love.

You know, you seem to think life always has to be one or the other - either/or. It doesn't. As a grown adult, it's responsible to recognise that all the people getting divorced were once madly in love. People change. Life changes. And marriages don't always last. You hopefully marry someone because they're your best friend and the person you most love and trust in the world, absolutely... but you can also do so in the knowledge that it's the best way to protect the family you want to create.

Those are equally important motives. Love shouldn't mean stupidity.

Love shouldn't mean stupidity.

No but it so often does.

One more "he won't propose and I've been dropping hints for 8 years" threads and I'll puke

Our children are far better protected now should one of us die, for example, which seems a pretty good reason to have done it.

Yeah; there is no inheritance tax payable between spouses, no matter the size of the estate, either. That's a fairly enormous protection and it isn't one that unmarried couples share.

in the overall scheme of things your surname and title mean fuck all

Actually, my surname and title are a fairly big part of my identity, and I'm quite surprised that other people don't consider it to be important. I spend a significant proportion of my life known as Ms AwesomeDragon, it's what all my pupils and ex pupils know me as. If they suddenly started calling me Mrs Stinky then I'd be pretty annoyed even if it was my husband's name (it's not), that's not me, it doesn't feel like me, I would feel like my whole professional identity had changed.

I don't get annoyed about older relatives getting it wrong, tbh as many get it wrong my way as his way, so my aunts call us Mr and Mrs MyName, and his call us Mr and Mrs HisName so it evens out. But close relatives should get it right, friends should get it right, even if they need to check before they use it. Mil should not be causing arguments about it, sil should not be telling me there was no point in us getting married, they should just accept that that was my choice, but that's not the way it happened. Even my own parents were shocked and had to explain it to any of their friends as "she didn't want to change and leave dd1 as the only one with a different surname", but that's not the only reason - I didn't want to change my identity, I'd had this name for 36 years before I got married I can't imagine being somebody different now.

Fairly recently engaged woman here. Am very heartened and faintly surprised that NOT ONE person of any generation has assumed I will be taking my (male) partner's name. Have had a few people enquire 'if' I'll be changing it but no-one saying "Oooh you'll be Mrs xxx soon".

My (possibly misguided) feeling has been that this is down to changing cultural norms and people knowing it is not the done thing to assume now.

Bunlicker yes too hard for me
TBH you are taking this to whole other level. You seem to hate marriage, people's views etc. Have I somehow implied that I agreed to navy old fashioned views. What it me that referred to tradition?
My whole point is that the OP said she was getting annoyed by people's assumptions. Why be upset with a REASONABLE assumption. Just let it go over your head. People mispronounce my name on a daily basis, if it's someone I will never see again then I don't bother correcting them.

53rdway yes I'd feel the same. That's reasonable but the OP is annoyed by assumptions

There's really no need to be so rude about people who do choose to change their name.

I agree.

I think its worth pointing out that "our" name is still almost always our own father's. Some women take their husband's name because their father was an abusive arse, and their mother didn't protect them. Not saying that's the only reason worthy of respect, either - just that we don't know other people's motives for their choices in life, and we don't need to because it's none of our business.

I've never thought either way on names tbh. It's rather like vegetarian threads - this meat-eater feels my hackles rising when people start tutting that you've no right to choose vegetarianism for your kids, because we are also choosing meat for ours. We all make choices, and the trouble starts, I think, when you start insisting that yours is the only valid one.

That wasn't so on this thread to begin with, but it's starting to get that way now. Women who want their families to share a name aren't twee 1950s housewives on that basis, any more than those who don't lack love and commitment. They just view it differently.

Sleeponeday I totally agree but the feeling I'm getting from many is that love shouldn't be priority. Where I personally think it should be. Honestly I really do, if that makes me stupid then so be it. I'm by no means a romantic but love woukd be the priority for me. But that i guess people can debate that one.

You seem to hate marriage

No, I'm just an adult with grown up views of it. I'm not desperate to be Mrs Anybody so I can show everyone how "proud" I am someone married me.

I think its worth pointing out that "our" name is still almost always our own father's.

This is my personal pet hate argument. My name can't possibly logically be my father's - it's either mine, or it's a distant relative in the past because my father also 'just got' his name from his own father. The implication of this always seems to be that men actually have names and women just borrow them; no one ever tells my brother that he has my dad's name, but he got it exactly the same way he did.

Isn't it a weird coincidence that 99% of the people who hate their dad enough to not want to share a name with him are women who just happen to be getting married?

I never changed my name. His was incredibly long and difficult to spell. Also I like mine, part of my identity. My kids were given his name. Which I still regret. Spelling it out over and over to people drives me mad.
And if people think you're not taking marriage seriously because you haven't taken husband's name need to wake up to realities of a serious commitment between two equal people. Women aren't chattels any more. Great if you want to be Mrs Xxxx. But we now have right to choose. Thank god.

People are already in love or they would legally cement themselves to another human!

This is the point. There's a certain type of person who thinks marriage is a magical event that makes things better others already have that and legally enshrine it.

What I find extremely hilarious is that everyone is complaining about feminism and how you can keep your maiden name etc (which I have no issues about). But isn't marriage itself outdated if you think like that. You can't pick and choose

Yes you can. Just as those of you who are following the chattel tradition of taking your husband's name but also think he shouldn't legally be allowed to rape you are picking and choosing. Will we see you bitching about that inconsistency too?

I think its worth pointing out that "our" name is still almost always our own father's.This is my personal pet hate argument. My name can't possibly logically be my father's - it's either mine, or it's a distant relative in the past because my father also 'just got' his name from his own father. The implication of this always seems to be that men actually have names and women just borrow them; no one ever tells my brother that he has my dad's name, but he got it exactly the same way he did.

THe funny thing is they think invented the super clever argument.
"It's worth pointing out".

I'd be quite happy to expand "marriage" to mean any two people who need the legal protection. Siblings who have lived together for years etc.

This is my personal pet hate argument. My name can't possibly logically be my father's - it's either mine, or it's a distant relative in the past because my father also 'just got' his name from his own father. The implication of this always seems to be that men actually have names and women just borrow them; no one ever tells my brother that he has my dad's name, but he got it exactly the same way he did.

YY.

And of course, if it's worth pointing out that a woman's name was usually given to her by her father, it's worth pointing out that the same is true of men. So if a woman is giving up her father's name rather than her own, she's taking her father in law's rather than her husband's.

THe funny thing is they think invented the super clever argument.

Your mind-reading abilities are as dazzlingly flawless as your manners, your logic and your value to this thread.

Bunlicker what can I say? You've got me very wrong. If marriage was a huge priority for me then I would have done that especially due to my culture and religion. I prioritised certain things before marriage. One day I'd like to get married but I don't expect it to be a magical event. I have no idea if I'll change my name but if I did and people made a reasonable assumption, then I certainly wouldn't get annoyed

It also completely misses out the obvious fact that that next generation would be full of girls getting names from their mother.

Or would that not count as there is some man down the line that really owns the name?

We are Ms Judgemental and Dr X. I think we put something in the wedding invites to that effect so had no misunderstandings (although DH's family still think I'm Mrs X). I am of Italian heritage where woman do not change their names on marriage but I wouldn't have anyway. DH is proud of this fact. DS is Master X because I am obviously his mother so see that as declaring who the father is. Most women I know have kept their own names and I teach many children with different names from their mothers. Not an issue round here.