To announce on Facebook I'm not changing my name?!

[gingerbreadkid]

I am getting married in a couple of months and will be keeping my surname and title of Ms.

When this has cropped up in conversation people have been losing their minds! Couple of examples: 1. Talking with colleague and she spluttered but it's the law! After being pressured to give my reasons why she nodded and made all the right noises then whispered but what does your DP think about it?? And said in a way that he must object.

1. Man at venue for wedding breakfast said we could have light up letters in Mr & Mrs and I replied oh I won't be Mrs. And he looked at me in complete confusion. I said I'll still be Ms kid. And right away he came out with but what's the point of getting married?! He actually said that!

It has been brought up in conversation with a couple of others and they have been incredulous. I'm starting to find it a bit tedious tbh. To me it's not A. Big. Deal. But seemingly it is to others!

I'm waiting for the swathes of wedding cards to be addressed to Mr & Mrs DP's Surname. And I'm getting a little annoyed that it is just assumed I'm changing my name.

I am tempted to make a public announcement on Facebook telling everyone I'm not changing my name! Only half joking. I don't wan't to make a big deal out of it but I don't want to be suddenly addressed as someone I'm not!

My husband took my surname. We put a little explanation in our order of service - my name is very rare and would die out with me. I didn't get offended by Mr & Mrs Hissurname, because that's the cultural norm. I just correct people!

I also know several couples who got married and used both surnames. Emily Harpy and Charlie Chav, became Mr and Mrs Harpy-Chav. And their kids will be Lily Harpy-Chav, and Daniel Harpy Chav.

OP, I get your frustration, but unfortunately, you're going to have to suck it up. Most women change their names to their husband's name when they get married, and even in ultra modern 2017 Britain, people are still going to be like

It's the same if you don't want children; people don't get that either, OR if you don't have a telly, or don't drive, or are a vegan. If you don't fit into society's 'norms,' people will comment.

I think you will just have to get used to it sorry. It's not great, and it has sod-all to do with anyone else, but people will comment, as keeping your own surname and being 'ms' is not commonplace.

Who knows....sorry if I sounded a little short I'm just surprised that people still think there is a problem if you don't take their name.....I work in a massive organisation made up of lots of married women, the majority of which have taken the name Mrs ........but a massive amount too who haven't. I really didn't think it was an issue anymore

You're making a big deal about it by getting so worked up. In the overall scheme of things, your surname & title mean fuck all. Calm down.

Yet they meant enough for you to wade in with your pearls of wisdom. Also, RTFT.

Also notknown, keeping your own name is commonplace. Around 30% of newlywed women doing it in the UK at the moment. I would link, but the news stories are the Fail and the Telegraph. It doesn't say what titles they used unfortunately.

There is absolutely no reason for a woman ever to change her surname when marrying. It's astounding this shock at women keeping their surnames still persists especially as increasing numbers of women are doing so. That you're getting reactions like that gingerbreadkid shows how sexism is still inherent in so many. The chump at the venue for your wedding breakfast sounds insufferable and as for your colleague thinking it's "the law", words fail me.

WankYouForTheMusic indeed. Also I don't have any friends who'd change their surnames if they marry and I only would so the hypothetical future husband could take my surname. This certainly matters because it's a sexist and outdated assumption and also suggests women should change their surnames upon marriage and adopt the title "Mrs" no matter their wishes which in turn suggests to girls and young women it's not a choice and is part of marriage, leading to the kind of ridiculous opinions the OP is having to contend with, as so many women do.

In the overall scheme of things, your surname & title mean fuck all.

Call the next ten men you see 'Lady Smith', regardless of their actual names, and then come back and tell me whether people think their name and title means fuck all.

Surely you'll still be a Mrs as you are married, regardless what name you take? I think you're being too touchy. Let's be honest the majority of people do change their names. So why be upset if people make this assumption. The choice is totally up to you, but you shouldn't be offended. If I send a letter to Mr & Mrs, congratulating them on their marriage and you were offended id tell you to suck it up, deal with it, get over. It's a very reasonable mistake/assumption to make.

Surely you'll still be a Mrs as you are married, regardless what name you take?

What the hell? Do you not know what Ms actually means? Are you living in 1942?

Couldn't have said it better. You're getting too much shite off people who chose to interpret what you said to suit their views.

Lallypop why on Earth would the OP be a "Mrs"? Her title is "Ms". The majority of people don't change their surnames. The majority of women do, but it's decreasing. I would be incredibly irked if I ever get married and people made this assumption on me - I am anyway that they make it continually with regards to so many other women, such as the OP.

If I send a letter to Mr & Mrs, congratulating them on their marriage and you were offended id tell you to suck it up, deal with it, get over.

Oh dear. Why don't you send letters to "Ms and Mr Wife's Name" and do the same? Or call every engaged man you meet "Mr Wife's Name to be"? Or just call anyone any name you see fit? It's quite disrespectful not to call someone by their name.

I agree that getting you announced as Mr X and Ms Y, the bride and groom! is the way forward at the wedding. Then when some people get drunk and ask, which unfortunately some probably will, just say that there's no legal requirement and becoming a family doesn't mean you have to have the same name.

I've seen a lot of chuntering on this issue over the years, too. It's weird. It's the 21st century and a lot of people don't change their names now - what's the big deal?

I'd not announce on FB. I'd just carry on using my maiden name - including on FB - and then correct people in a relaxed way, as and when. They'll get used to it soon enough.

Congratulations on your marriage.

For starters ms & mrs was actually a question, hence the ?. I was totally unsure that's why I asked.
Secondly you misunderstood what I'd said. Yes it would be rude if I had known. The point I'm making is that most of these people are unaware but yet she's getting arsey and upset because people have made a reasonable assumption.

The whole point is themat the assumption is not reasonable!

Write to me as Mrs Hisname and it will come straight back to you as unknown at this address or forwarded to DH's mother.

The point I'm making is that most of these people are unaware but yet she's getting arsey and upset because people have made a reasonable assumption.

No she isn't. The reactions she's described are from people after she's informed them she isn't changing her surname (it's ridiculous enough in itself a woman still has to make this clear). She informs them of this and they express shock and even ask what the point of getting married is. Risible.

I'm 30. Not married, with three children. Do people really care that much. Just correct them, move on, get over it. People get so touchy over such ridiculous things.

Indeed TittyGolightly and that would be an excellent reaction in such a circumstance. The assumption is completely outdated and should I ever be engaged and anyone makes it I would be pretty irked.

What she also said is she's getting annoyed by people making assumptions?

I was in your position a few years ago - I decided not to take my husband's surname when I got married. My sister did the same after me, she never took the surname. After years of being married, kids etc, guess what - this is no big deal. We get most letters/bills addressed to the full names. Sometimes I get letters/invites addressed as Mrs but they are so rare I just let them pass.

My advice to you is, take it easy. The whole Mrs. calling is mainly during the first few weeks after the wedding. There is no need to tell anyone (people will figure out over time when they still see you on FB with your real name).

So the OP should agree with her colleague it's "the law" women have to change their names, agree with the chap at the wedding breakfast venue there's no point in her getting married since she isn't and silently nod along as others express incredulity she isn't changing her surname. Oh, and no-one else should challenge the sexist assumption a woman must be changing her surname if she marries a man. Which would only perpetuate this assumption and the belief amongst many it's something which should happen.

You're making a big deal about it by getting so worked up. In the overall scheme of things, your surname & title mean fuck all. Calm down.

In the overall scheme of things, it's not so long since a woman was legally part of her husband. No separate identity at all. Couldn't own any property or money, couldn't divorce unless there was cruelty and either desertion or adultery - one alone wasn't enough - and couldn't even see her kids, far less have any form of legal control over choices relating to them, no matter how evil her husband might be, if he decided that he didn't want her to. He didn't need a reason, he didn't even need to separate from her, and his choice was the law.

In the 1980s, married women had all their tax affairs dealt with via correspondence to their husbands. That's in my own lifetime.

If women want to be Mrs and change their names I'm certainly not about to judge that. Not my monkeys, not my circus. But sneering at someone a tad better informed and/or educated than yourself in the way your post did... well, personally I feel it makes you look a lemon.

i can't believe people care so much. I have a foreign first name which people mispronounce all the time, but you know what, I don't care anymore. There are more important things to worry about in life

What I find extremely hilarious is that everyone is complaining about feminism and how you can keep your maiden name etc (which I have no issues about). But isn't marriage itself outdated if you think like that. You can't pick and choose

I would hate to have a different surname to my husband and children... We're a proper little unit and our name reflects that. If you're so adamant not to be a Mrs why have a wedding, surely a registry office one afternoon would suffice?

Love the implication that because I have a different surname to my DH and DD, we're somehow not a 'proper family unit'.

I'm 30. Not married, with three children.

Really, really not getting at you here - I appreciate that your DP may be a lower earner, and maybe does most of the childcare, and maybe took almost all the parental leave... but if that's not so, then marriage is the single best way for a woman with kids to protect herself financially against the career and earnings hit children usually mean.

Unmarried women whose partners leave them with kids are entitled to child support, and any share of housing equity their own financial payments towards the mortgage might indicate.

Married women whose husbands leave them with kids are entitled to a reasonable share of any property equity, any savings or assets, any pensions, and then child support and very often an interim spousal support payment too, if the kids are young and she needs time to get back into the labour market.

Common law marriage is a myth. You're either married and protected, or not married and not.

This applies whatever the gender, so the lower earner/poorer partner is the one protected by marriage. It's just that if there are children, that's usually the woman.

Indeed bookworm14. Plus if it's about wanting to have the same surname as one another then there's no reason the man can't change his surname to the woman's.