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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it's fine for DS (17) and DD (15) to share a hotel room?

278 replies

singaporeslingshot · 09/07/2017 17:43

We are going to Australia to stay with friends via various Asian countries this summer.

I was chatting to a friend about our plans - the majority of the holiday will be spent with friends where DD will share with our friend's daughter and DS our friend's son.

The hotel stops on the way out and back (5 nights total) DD (who is 15) and DS (who is 17) will be sharing a hotel room.

I told my friend this and she was horrified that they would be sharing. Really? At what age did people stop their DC sharing on holidays like this?

OP posts:
akkakk · 09/07/2017 18:04

Don't worry OP - on mumsnet, idealism always rules the day ;)
I am sure that if they were to be given the choice between coming on the holiday (and sharing a room) or staying at home the choice wouldn't be difficult for them!

Presumably if they were violently against it they would have made it very clear - so what you are really asking is for outside perspectives on your friend's view as to whether it is weird - and the simple answer is of course not - families all over the world share sleeping accommodation and even the British stiff upper lip unbends enough to allow family members to share hotel rooms Grin

As a society we are so obsessed by sex that anything to do with beds / bedrooms / clothes (or lack of) / etc. automatically is assumed to be about sex - quite normal for families to just get on and sleep! Don't worry about it - as others have said, they can create privacy and if they are traumatised by the idea it is a simple discussion: "we would love to go as a family, this is the only way to afford it, so can we find a way to make it work..." but it does sound as though your offspring haven't raised that objection themselves... so ignore your friend...

EdmundCleverClogs · 09/07/2017 18:05

It hasn't occurred to ask them? One is few months/week off being an adult, when will their opinions matter to you? It could be awkward for either of them, especially with privacy. I'd certainly not want to share with my brother aged 15 and would hope my parents would respect me enough to take my feelings into account.

Original poster
singaporeslingshot · 09/07/2017 18:09

TBH I hadn't thought of splitting us parents up.

Though, it would make more sense for me to share with DS and DH to share with DD, in terms of who gets along best.

OP posts:
EdmundCleverClogs · 09/07/2017 18:12

Though, it would make more sense for me to share with DS and DH to share with DD, in terms of who gets along best.

Really Hmm

Summerswallow · 09/07/2017 18:13

So why is it odd for an adult brother and an adult sister to share, but not a 17 year old (which is an adult male as far as I am concerned) with a sister? And why ok for an adult dad and 15 year old dd to share, and adult mum and adult son? All very confusing rules.

Basically, all of it fine, get twin beds if preferable!

Definitions of adults confusing here, 17 year olds are adults in some capacities.

islandsandshores · 09/07/2017 18:14

I think it is extremely odd for adults to be sharing beds.

I think what op is proposing is fine but I do feel sorry for the kids in this set up. Probably projecting though.

userofthiswebsite · 09/07/2017 18:14

You sound really dismissive of your daughter.

You state that he's 'domineering' and that she doesn't 'get him'. If he's unpleasant towards her, why should she 'get him?' Sounds as though he's nasty towards her and you either turn a blind eye or just shrug it off.

Anyway, sounds as though you've no intention of taking into account either child's opinion so neither here nor there really.

RebelRogue · 09/07/2017 18:14

Though, it would make more sense for me to share with DS and DH to share with DD, in terms of who gets along best.

This explains this:

Domineering? I don't know..that's her take. She can be histrionic, they've never get on. She doesn't really 'get' him

Which was quite uncomfortable to read. I guess it would be pointless to ask DD her opinion given your dismissive attitude to her thoughts and feelings.

Mummyoflittledragon · 09/07/2017 18:14

What does she mean by domineering?

My brother, two years my senior was "domineering" (and still is). Literally translated as:

  • throwing me around like a rag doll
  • imprisoning me in rooms
  • hitting me
  • calling me earth shatteringly vile, vile, inexcusable names and getting his friends to do so as well
  • getting his willy out in front of me, doing the willy wangle dance and getting his friends to do the same
  • taking plenty of opportunities to demean me wherever possible

I'm not trying to say your ds is doing any of these things. But saying you make the decisions and you won't ask may be putting your dd in a vulnerable position.

Looking back, I'm surprised my brother didn't cross more boundaries into sexual abuse. Luckily that wasn't his thing, I suppose.

These are all things he did at 17 when I was 15. Are you sure you are protecting your dd?

NoLoveofMine · 09/07/2017 18:15

because DS and DD don't really get along (he can be quite domineering with her)

Surely this needs addressing? It can't be very nice for her to experience this behaviour from her brother and it's not a good thing for him to feel this is an acceptable way to behave.

Glumglowworm · 09/07/2017 18:16

YABU for only wanting posts from people who agree with you

And YABU to make two young people who don't get on share a room.

Splitting them between you and DH (however you do it) is probably the better option, and the reduction in sibling arguing will make it far more enjoyable for all four of you.

Mummyoflittledragon · 09/07/2017 18:16

Oh and my mother would also describe me as histrionic. Actually, that would be a nice way of describing me. My brother is golden child.

worridmum · 09/07/2017 18:16

because of being adults they have more choices so if they were happy with sharing they would, they would not be forced.

I am sorry but I think YABVU it might be a holiday of a life time can you imgine how much you would enjoy it if you were forced to share your room with a SIL you really disliked? (or step sister or any person you disliked despite being related too you)

NoLoveofMine · 09/07/2017 18:17

I don't think "histrionic" is a great description of your daughter regarding issues she has with her brother being domineering (which you at first stated as if you'd accepted he was anyway).

Summerswallow · 09/07/2017 18:17

It would be odd to put adult dad and daughter in together though, surely the issue is privacy, and us females are happier in our family with things like changing clothes/washing in front of each other. Weird thread. Whoever describes their own daughter as 'histrionic' and their son as 'domineering'?

jamdonut · 09/07/2017 18:18

Mine wouldn't share!
Both my boys had to share a bedroom , up until until recently, and absolutely hated that ( one is now 24 the other 17) and they would be horrified to share with their sister (20)!
Even when they were much younger, my daughter and youngest son hated having to share caravan bedrooms!
I think you should ask them first.

Original poster
singaporeslingshot · 09/07/2017 18:19

DD is fine. She irritates her brother, she can be quite outgoing and loud. He is the opposite, quite sensitive and quiet. She winds him up, for want of a better way of describing it.

So yes, domineering was perhaps the wrong words. He likes to impress on her that he wishes for her to not impose on him. He's always been sensitive/anxious and she isn't. Yes I do think she makes a fuss over not a lot, actually. But that isn't what the thread is about..

OP posts:
Sirzy · 09/07/2017 18:19

Relatives sharing a room isn't odd.

Forcing two people who don't get on to share a room is odd.

ilovesooty · 09/07/2017 18:19

Weird. I don't get this dogmatic attitude and refusal to seek their opinion. You don't sound too fond of your daughter either and I suspect her views don't matter much to you.

RebelRogue · 09/07/2017 18:21

Does she wind him up by being in his space/face,asking him to do things with her etc...or just by being loud and extroverted in the same house as him?

Sparklingbrook · 09/07/2017 18:21

Do the DC even want to go on this holiday? Did they get consulted at all? The 17 year old might be happy to stay home.

loveka · 09/07/2017 18:22

Yes, that's very true about choosing a nursing home for you. Why ask your opinion?

Lelloteddy · 09/07/2017 18:22

You get on better with your son than your daughter? What with her being histrionic? And he's domineering? I wonder where in earth he learned that type of behaviour Wink

Glumglowworm · 09/07/2017 18:22

You weren't kidding when you said you get on better with DS were you? Confused

You don't sound like you like DD much

Saiman · 09/07/2017 18:24

Fucking hell. You dont ask their opinion because you are paying?

My kids are younger, eldest 13, i pay for pretty much everything. I would still ask her if she felt comfortable with sleeping arrangements.

The 'you dont get an opinion because i am paying' attitude will bite you on the arse.