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AIBU for feeling very hurt my dad got married without telling anyone?

130 replies

Rosynamechange · 09/07/2017 11:07

As the title says really. I feel extremely hurt and shocked that my dad and his partner went and married last week whilst on holiday down south.

I found out when I suddenly received a picture message on my phone from his new wife, it was just a pic of their hands showing their wedding rings. Everyone had been led to believe they were just enjoying a normal two week holiday.

I'm gutted because I thought I'd always had a very close relationship with my dad, and when he was widowed a few years ago I helped him by being there as much as possible. He met his (now wife) around six months after my stepmum passed away and I've got on with her brilliantly too. My sister has been estranged from our dad for a number of years and dad's new wife 'Linda" also has two grown up children, but they haven't been interested in forming a relationship with my dad, apparently because they've hinted that they think he's with 'Linda' for her money. Which is definitely not the case.

Therefore, for the past two and a half years, out of all of us, its only myself and my kids who've kept in regular contact (visiting each other weekly) with my dad and Linda.

After seeing the pic of their rings (and taking a few moments to take in the shock) I contacted my dad and wished them both congratulations, but he could clearly tell I wasn't my usual jovial self. Linda rang me the next day, and by her manner of speaking she gave the impression that I had to 'suck it up' especially as she said 'the job is done'. Her kids weren't told either apparently and when I spoke to my dad afterwards, he said that Linda thought I was 'off' with her and repeatedly asked if I was ok. I told him I was happy for them but quite shocked and (to play it down) a little hurt that they'd married in secret. His reaction stunned me even more when he became angry and said 'so what we've got married?' 'I'm sick of this bollocks' and hung up. I've not heard from them since. They're still on honeymoon and I feel gutted.

Just to add, I would be very happy for my dad to marry Linda, if it was done without all the secrecy!

So sorry for the very long post. I just want to ask, AIBU for feeling hurt and shocked that my own dad could do this?

OP posts:
RandomMess · 09/07/2017 11:15

I think you were unreasonable to piss on their parade and tell them over the phone instead of just saying congratulations and chatting it over with your Dad next time you saw him. Clearly the other DC do have issues with them being a couple so eloping was the stress free option not a reflection on you and your relationship with your Dad.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 09/07/2017 11:18

There's nothing wrong with you feeling hurt, you can't help how you feel.

I do think you should've hidden your hurt, it was their decision and nothing to do with anyone else.

ThePinkOcelot · 09/07/2017 11:22

I would be really hurt too, especially by your dads reaction on the phone. There was no need for that at all.

Purplemac · 09/07/2017 11:24

You can't help how you feel, but plenty of people elope for a multitude of different t reasons.

This wasn't your dad's first marriage (maybe not even his 2nd?) So they probably didn't want a fuss. Also they couldn't really have involved you without involving all of their adult children and tbat would have done no good, only highlighted that so maby seen to be against the relationship.

You're an adult and their marriage doesn't really affect you in any way (it's not like your new stepmum is going to be raising you!). Two adults have got married because it's what they wanted to do. I can ubderstand you are hurt but when it comes to their relationship, it's their choice.

SwearySwearyQuiteContrary · 09/07/2017 11:24

If only 1 child of 4 is supportive of their relationship, I'm not surprised that they'd rather avoid any potential fall out by getting married very quietly. It also saved you from being pitted against the other siblings. You can't help how you feel but you can still be positive about their marriage.

Purplemac · 09/07/2017 11:25

Sorry for the many, many spelling mistakes...

DirtyChaiLatte · 09/07/2017 11:26

I think I can understand why you'd feel a little hurt, but you also have to try and see it from their perspective. Her children don't want to know him, out of two of his children only one is happy about his new relationship. In these circumstances maybe they didn't want to try and include people who wouldn't celebrate their marriage.

I think you should have just told them that you're happy they're married but that you would have liked to be there with them to celebrate, and you should have left out the guilt trip.

A lot of things like this happen in families and you really should have just 'sucked it up' for the greater good.

Tatiannatomasina · 09/07/2017 11:26

This same thing happened to me. I was in my mid 20s and did not have a good relationship with my dads partner. They arrived back from holiday married and jubilant. I tried to be happy for them but eventually went nc with them as she had been so bloody vile to me and my sibling. Eventually i ended up speaking with my dad again and we have an ok relationship but his and my siblings relationship never recovered and they have been nc for years. I saw it as my dad rewarding her god awful behaviour and sticking two fingers up at us. Different circumstances but i feel your pain. And when i told my dad i wasnt happy he got angry and stormed off. Take your time and decide how you feel about it, dont be bullied into anything.

WheresTheEvidence · 09/07/2017 11:31

There was a post like a his a few weeks ago when the ops dad had got married while abroad and the op only found out when the new stepmother daughters posted on facebook as they threw a party to celebrate not inviting the op.

I agree with the others with so many people against the marriage it was probably easier to do it this way.

Roomster101 · 09/07/2017 11:31

In can see why they didn't want their children there if most of them haven't been supportive of the relationship. I don't blame them for not wanting to invite you if their other children weren't invited either. That would be extremely divisive. Your father's angry reaction was probably down to the fact that even you seemed unhappy that they got married.

TheCarrotDiet · 09/07/2017 11:33

YANBU to feel hurt - I would too.

However, I can see why they thought what they did was best.

If they're on honeymoon now, you've got a bit of breathing space to think things through. Flowers

Rosynamechange · 09/07/2017 11:35

I see what you're saying but I just want to add,.I did congratulate them both and said that I was very pleased for them.
I wasn't rude or offensive, just not overly 'gushy with excitement' for them,.because I was in shock.

It was only because my dad kept on asking me how I felt that I said "I'm really happy for you both but would've rather not found out by text"

He became irritated and I did mention that he didn't let my sister live it down when she did the same thing years ago!

OP posts:
PNGirl · 09/07/2017 11:36

Agree that he probably thought you out of all of them would be happy. Not that this excuses his behaviour but "all this bollocks" probably translates as "everyone being against my relationship and making me feel guilty when I've done nothing wrong".

lazyarse123 · 09/07/2017 11:36

It sounds like they've had a lot of negativity and decided to do it this way. I would message him and say you are pleased for them but you were just a bit shocked. Try and hide the hurt and have a proper chat when you see them.

pigeondujour · 09/07/2017 11:36

I totally disagree with most of these comments. I think it's really bloody weird and you have every right to be very hurt and angry.

lazyarse123 · 09/07/2017 11:37

Sorry xpost.

CryingMessFFS · 09/07/2017 11:38

They've done it now and it's obviously the way they wanted it, in secret. You would have been happy for them if it wasn't in secret but from your post it sounds like some of the other children would not have been happy. So perhaps this was the easiest and fairest way for them to do it. You shouldn't have basically pissed on their parade either. They did what they thought was best.

RandomMess · 09/07/2017 11:39

I'm really not sure why your Dad had to keep digging about how you felt, is he always so insensitive/demanding of your attention?

I do wonder if Linda's children have been unpleasant about it and he was wanting to "show off" over you being wonderful about it?

Flowers hope it works out!

RestlessTraveller · 09/07/2017 11:41

I think you were incredibly rude to have discussed this whilst they were still on their honeymoon, if you had to do it at all! Why would you ruin it for them?

Allthebestnamesareused · 09/07/2017 11:41

I agree with what swearysweary said.

Instead of focussing on what has already happened why not invite them over for a celebratory dinner and have your own little family do for them and let them know that you are behind their union.

pigeondujour · 09/07/2017 11:44

I think you were incredibly rude to have discussed this whilst they were still on their honeymoon, if you had to do it at all! Why would you ruin it for them?

That's what they get for pushing her after she said congratulations!

DividedKingdom · 09/07/2017 11:45

Well I don't think YABU at all, OP it does not matter one bit how fraught any other family relationships deserved a whole lot better than:

I found out when I suddenly received a picture message on my phone from his new wife

RestlessTraveller · 09/07/2017 11:46

Because when she rang them up to say congratulations it was clear in her voice she wasn't happy. Why bother ringing?

peachgreen · 09/07/2017 11:46

I understand why you feel hurt OP but I suspect you were the only one they thought they could rely on to be happy for them and when you also had something negative to say they were probably quite disappointed. For them it's kind of a "damned if you do, damned if you don't" situation - presumably a fuss would have upset your other siblings which is why they did it quietly and privately.

Rosynamechange · 09/07/2017 11:49


I hear what you're saying, I guess though I'm just upset that because the other three haven't had anything to do with my dad and Linda's relationship since it began ( Linda visits her children at their homes, as she moved in my dad's house), I feel that, although I'm the only one whose bothered with them both, I've been put in the same 'category' as the others. By this I mean, I may as well also not have bothered. IYSWIM

OP posts:
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