Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for feeling very hurt my dad got married without telling anyone?

130 replies

Rosynamechange · 09/07/2017 11:07

As the title says really. I feel extremely hurt and shocked that my dad and his partner went and married last week whilst on holiday down south.

I found out when I suddenly received a picture message on my phone from his new wife, it was just a pic of their hands showing their wedding rings. Everyone had been led to believe they were just enjoying a normal two week holiday.

I'm gutted because I thought I'd always had a very close relationship with my dad, and when he was widowed a few years ago I helped him by being there as much as possible. He met his (now wife) around six months after my stepmum passed away and I've got on with her brilliantly too. My sister has been estranged from our dad for a number of years and dad's new wife 'Linda" also has two grown up children, but they haven't been interested in forming a relationship with my dad, apparently because they've hinted that they think he's with 'Linda' for her money. Which is definitely not the case.

Therefore, for the past two and a half years, out of all of us, its only myself and my kids who've kept in regular contact (visiting each other weekly) with my dad and Linda.

After seeing the pic of their rings (and taking a few moments to take in the shock) I contacted my dad and wished them both congratulations, but he could clearly tell I wasn't my usual jovial self. Linda rang me the next day, and by her manner of speaking she gave the impression that I had to 'suck it up' especially as she said 'the job is done'. Her kids weren't told either apparently and when I spoke to my dad afterwards, he said that Linda thought I was 'off' with her and repeatedly asked if I was ok. I told him I was happy for them but quite shocked and (to play it down) a little hurt that they'd married in secret. His reaction stunned me even more when he became angry and said 'so what we've got married?' 'I'm sick of this bollocks' and hung up. I've not heard from them since. They're still on honeymoon and I feel gutted.

Just to add, I would be very happy for my dad to marry Linda, if it was done without all the secrecy!

So sorry for the very long post. I just want to ask, AIBU for feeling hurt and shocked that my own dad could do this?

OP posts:
provider5sectorzz9 · 09/07/2017 12:24

so what we've got married?' 'I'm sick of this bollocks
What a crass and unpleasant response😕
I'd be wondering how much influence Linda has on him and his feelings towards you

However, not much you can do, I'd just stay on good terms with him but humour him and keep it a bit superficial

Steeley113 · 09/07/2017 12:25

Yes they did. The only person who was upset was an auntie of DH who we never see and MIL who was the main reason we ran away in the first place. Their relationship is nothing to do with you, it is between them. Whether you approve or not has no bearing on his life. He is a grown man. It will not effect your relationship with him so just be happy he has done something that makes him happy.

kittybiscuits · 09/07/2017 12:30

I can't read all the comments OP because so many of them are hideous. I think a lot of posters seem to be on acid this morning.

I am so sorry that your dad put you in this awful position. Any loving parent would know how hurtful that would be and what an unbelievably shit means of letting you know. Since your dad has hung up on you, I would take some time and space to attend to your own upset and think about what kind of relationship (if any) you want to have with him in the future.

Billben · 09/07/2017 12:30

Well, I think YABU. They are both grown ups and can do whatever they like without having to get prior approval off others or having to discuss their choices with other people.

kittybiscuits · 09/07/2017 12:32

Also, you can feel HOWEVER you want about it. You do not have to BE happy or ACT happy.

Flopjustwantscoffee · 09/07/2017 12:34

I know exactly how you feel OP,

eggsandwich · 09/07/2017 12:38

What did your dad say when you pointed out at the double standards, is that when he got angry because you have shown him to be a hypocrite giving your sister grief for doing what he has just done.

I'm with you on this I would be hurt too, I wouldn't get into any conversations with him till he gets back and then let him do the running. I think they were expecting everyone to be excited for them, but it's a bit difficult when you weren't expecting it considering your fathers strong views on eloping.

MissHavishamsleftdaffodil · 09/07/2017 12:38

Wondering why so many posters think the OP should have been more sensitive to DF's feelings and hidden her own - and yet don't seem to have the same standards for DF or expect that he could have equally been sensitive to her and hidden feelings that could hurt hers?

Rosy my DF did this to us too, I know how it feels. Flowers All siblings were hurt when we found out (6 months later, dropped into casual conversation with one of us), there were tears from some. We didn't let him know as he too would have defensively kicked off at us for any reaction, no matter how involuntary, that made him feel bad. It's a consistent pattern.

Bottom line, your DF knows damn well he's behaved hurtfully to you and he feels guilty about it, which is why he's reacting like this. If he's anything like my DF, it's a case of you permanently have to be the grown up in the relationship if you want to have any relationship at all - not the healthiest relationship really. Sad I'm sorry you're having to deal with it.

pigeondujour · 09/07/2017 12:39

No, they don't "need prior approval of others", but it's a bit rich to then pressure for post-match approval of others innit?

confuseduntildinnertime · 09/07/2017 12:41

I think you need another conversation with them to explain exactly why you are upset, and it needs to be a conversation which is not fuelled by their wedding high and expectations of everyone's positive reactions, and neither fuelled by your hurt.

Both of you are now in a heightened state. Your dad and Linda must feel everyone is "against" them and are probably fuelled by having common "enemies" and you just feel so hurt that anything further they say is going to punch deeper than it normally would.

So wait a little bit, refuse to engage until you're ready. And then explain again.

PastaPosha · 09/07/2017 12:43

I would think his aggressive response to you was guilt/his realising you were hurt. Even though I can see that his marriage = his business. I would try to move on from this and get over it maybe by sending congratulatory flowers when they get back. In the larger scheme of things it's a small issue.

babyboomersrock · 09/07/2017 12:48

I found out when I suddenly received a picture message on my phone from his new wife, it was just a pic of their hands showing their wedding rings

What a hurtful way to announce anything. Your father didn't have the decency (or courage?) to tell you himself and his new wife thought a picture message was appropriate? They sound self-centred and childish and I'm not surprised you were upset.

As for his grumpy response to your muted reaction, and his annoyance when your sister did a similar thing (the irony!)...words fail me.

He's your father, not your teenage son - he should take responsibility for his relationship with you; not the other way round. I'm amazed so many posters think you should be feigning joy so HE isn't hurt!

FrancisCrawford · 09/07/2017 12:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CotswoldStrife · 09/07/2017 12:54

YANBU OP.

Very strange of your father not to bother even telling you after the event (never mind before) yet wants all the congratulations. Like a PP I think he's panicking a bit now he's alienated the only one of their children who was actually making an effort with them (and he's also probably feeling guilty for going on at your sister in the same circumstances!).

provider5sectorzz9 · 09/07/2017 13:07

He's your father, not your teenage son - he should take responsibility for his relationship with you; not the other way round
⬆️This⬆️
he sounds peurile, I'd be embarrassed at his ineptitude and lack of maturity

DirtyChaiLatte · 09/07/2017 13:08

I still see a middle ground in this.

Can you not see this as a difficult situation for them to have handled no matter how they handled it. In the family dynamics you have described someone was inevitably going to be annoyed or hurt no matter how they dealt with it.

OK, maybe they didn't judge things correctly and maybe the pic announcement was a bit tactless, but I can also see that maybe they genuinely didn't see anything wrong in sending it and thought you'd be happy seeing it. I can imagine certain circumstances where I might be OK receiving a pic like that.

Look, you obviously love them, and I'm assuming they love you and your family and want the best for each other. Can you not just say that they made a mistake, but they didn't do it on purpose to hurt you.

Nobody is perfect.

hollyisalovelyname · 09/07/2017 13:09

OP I agree that you have a right to be upset. You, of all the children involved supported the couple and yet they did not deem it necessary to tell you they were getting married. They put you in the same camp as your nc sibling and step siblings. You made the effort with your dad and Linda but they did not reciprocate.
YANBU

Original poster
Rosynamechange · 09/07/2017 13:18

eggsandwich

Thats exactly when he started getting really nasty, when I pointed out that his daughter had done it and he'd been upset by it.

But I only bought that up as he was saying things like "so what we've got married" etc.

OP posts:
greendale17 · 09/07/2017 13:24

YANBU- especially as your dad was not happy with your sister when she did the same thing

jacks11 · 09/07/2017 13:35

YANBU OP.

OPs dad and his wife were entitled to elope if they wanted to. If they had been being thoughtful, they could have called OP after the event- I think sending a picture text is very tactless on their part. I think many people would be upset in these circumstances.

OP congratulated them. Her father kept digging- if he didn't want to know the truth, then he should have let it lie (and addressed it on their return if he felt he needed to).

TheBusThatCouldntSlowDown · 09/07/2017 13:42

YANBU

Probably your dad and Linda didn't want to invite only one out of their combined four kids (think of the shitstorm that would cause!) So that's why they went all cloak and dagger. When you were pushed into admitting you were upset your dad felt guilty, and that came out as his anger. Not very mature or reasonable of him. There's no need to text or call him again. Let him calm down and then he might apologise for being so snappy. Even if he doesn't, you have done nothing wrong, and he shouldn't have pushed for a response if he wasn't willing to hear the answer.

ADrabLittleCrab · 09/07/2017 13:42

I know exactly how you feel - my dad did exactly the same thing, though he did at least have the decency to ring me the day after the event to tell me. I was extremely upset - I'm an only child and he couldn't be bothered to tell me, let alone invite me. He told me he didn't want to make any fuss and just had a couple of friends as witnesses, which is fine and I completely understand but really thought I was at least important enough to know about it but apparently not!!!

Original poster
Rosynamechange · 09/07/2017 13:44

I should've added that, a while after my dad hung up on me, Linda left a voice mail on my phone saying that she's sorry I feel the way I do, that I shouldn't blame my dad as it was her fault they married because she was thinking about her children and wanted it to be 'our day'.

She added that it'd been a perfect day (which in a way made me feel as if she was rubbing in the fact that I was excluded from knowing) and asked me to ring my dad and apologise to him Hmm

Why apologise? I wasn't nasty or offensive. Just hurt. I didn't feel able to ring back as I wondered if they may have had a drink and wondered if my dad would contact me the following day. He didn't.

I want to point out that I didn't expect them to have to invite me or my children along to the wedding, if they wanted it to be just them. (although obviously I'd love to have gone), I just would've wanted to know their plans before hand so that I could wish them well.

In short, I'm hurt by the secrecy of it all and the subsequent 'suck it up buttercup' attitude. My dad is a huge part of my life and, especially as he's now 70, I fear I may not get much chance to enjoy many special occasions with him in the future.

OP posts:
StayAChild · 09/07/2017 14:04

In your circumstances I would be very hurt too. It's almost as if they want to gloat, but expect you to be full of congratulations to them.

That was an awful way to let you know, by text from his new wife. I always felt my own DF pushed his new DW in my face every time I tried to speak to him. It didn't end well.

If they treat you exactly as they treat your sister and new wife's DC, I would be inclined to act like them as well. I know that sounds childish.

I wouldn't be apologising for anything, you've done nothing wrong and she has no right to tell you to ring DF and apologise. Is that how it's going to be with them now - her pulling all the strings?

kittybiscuits · 09/07/2017 14:05

You don't owe anyone an apology. It's clear that Linda is the driving force in this event. But your father is the person who enabled her to do this and he is the one who should have given consideration to your feelings. He is the one letting you down. Just take a step back now. I have personally encountered a similar situation, where the new partner wasn't satisfied until she had cleared the man's life of everyone he was previously close to.

He may, in time, realise how selfishly he has behaved. He may not. I would disengage from both of them for a while. Maybe block Linda.