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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for feeling very hurt my dad got married without telling anyone?

130 replies

Rosynamechange · 09/07/2017 11:07

As the title says really. I feel extremely hurt and shocked that my dad and his partner went and married last week whilst on holiday down south.

I found out when I suddenly received a picture message on my phone from his new wife, it was just a pic of their hands showing their wedding rings. Everyone had been led to believe they were just enjoying a normal two week holiday.

I'm gutted because I thought I'd always had a very close relationship with my dad, and when he was widowed a few years ago I helped him by being there as much as possible. He met his (now wife) around six months after my stepmum passed away and I've got on with her brilliantly too. My sister has been estranged from our dad for a number of years and dad's new wife 'Linda" also has two grown up children, but they haven't been interested in forming a relationship with my dad, apparently because they've hinted that they think he's with 'Linda' for her money. Which is definitely not the case.

Therefore, for the past two and a half years, out of all of us, its only myself and my kids who've kept in regular contact (visiting each other weekly) with my dad and Linda.

After seeing the pic of their rings (and taking a few moments to take in the shock) I contacted my dad and wished them both congratulations, but he could clearly tell I wasn't my usual jovial self. Linda rang me the next day, and by her manner of speaking she gave the impression that I had to 'suck it up' especially as she said 'the job is done'. Her kids weren't told either apparently and when I spoke to my dad afterwards, he said that Linda thought I was 'off' with her and repeatedly asked if I was ok. I told him I was happy for them but quite shocked and (to play it down) a little hurt that they'd married in secret. His reaction stunned me even more when he became angry and said 'so what we've got married?' 'I'm sick of this bollocks' and hung up. I've not heard from them since. They're still on honeymoon and I feel gutted.

Just to add, I would be very happy for my dad to marry Linda, if it was done without all the secrecy!

So sorry for the very long post. I just want to ask, AIBU for feeling hurt and shocked that my own dad could do this?

OP posts:
Ilovetolurk · 09/07/2017 14:07

I am sorry OP . I also agree with PP your comment had hit a nerve given his previous behaviour with your dsis. I don't think I could ring back to apologise either. Apologise for what?
I would leave until he gets back then pop round in person to clear the air.

Original poster
Rosynamechange · 09/07/2017 14:24

Thank you for your comnents, I'll reply properly later as I'll be out for a while.

OP posts:
Whileweareonthesubject · 09/07/2017 15:20

I understand your being hurt by this. Given that you are the only member of either family to have supported their relationship, they have treated you badly. Yes, of course they are entitled to have whoever they want at their wedding, they didn't even have to tell you in advance (though it would have been nice to tell you, since you have been supportive of them), but to get the new wife to send you a picture like that? No, that's shitty. You did better than me, because I'm not sure I could have found it in me to call and congratulate them, so to have your dad call you back and effectively set up an argument must be so painful for you. I wouldn't respond to Linda's request for you to apologise. But if I did, it would be something like this:
I have done nothing I need to apologise for. I will not apologise for feeling hurt that you chose to exclude me from your plans, or that I only warrant a generic picture message rather than a personal call straight after the event. Or that my support for your relationship over the past few years means so little to you. I thought we had a good relationship, clearly not. And I won't apologise for feeling hurt by that knowledge.

CotswoldStrife · 09/07/2017 16:18

Do not apologise.

Dowser · 09/07/2017 16:31

I can understand that. Adult or not. It wouldn't have hurt him to give you a quick call

alltouchedout · 09/07/2017 16:36

You can see why their other children don't want to know them.

spaghettithrower · 09/07/2017 16:38

I think if they wanted to get married on holiday together without anyone else there then they were perfectly entitled to do so. There are obviously problems with 3 out of the 4 children so it could have been a very awkward day.
They probably could have broken the news better than via a picture text.
I think thanks to your shock at the news you may not have sounded as happy as actually are and they have taken offense and then Dad was rude to you which was unreasonable of him.
Let it lie for a bit and when they are back home phone Dad again or go round and see him. Invite them out for a meal to celebrate. No grovelling apologies though - not necessary.

Willyoujustbequiet · 09/07/2017 16:48

yanbu

Your father is a hypocrite and inconsiderate.

hollyisalovelyname · 09/07/2017 16:51

OP you are right to be upset. You, who have supported your dad and his partner when their other children have not wasn't told about the wedding.
Life and people can be a b*tch sometimes.
Do not phone and apologise.

Horsemad · 09/07/2017 17:00

OP I understand how you feel, my sister did this and my mum was really upset; especially as sister had asked my mum to feed her animals whilst she was on 'holiday'.

My mum and sister had a good relationship, my mum regularly babysat her DC, yet for some reason my sister felt it would be preferable to get married whilst on holiday, with a couple of friends they'd met on holiday the year before as witnesses.

For me it didn't bother me as I am NC with her but I did think it a bit of a cheek to use my mum like that.

Again, the first anyone knew of it was when my other sister received a picture text of the happy couple.

rookiemere · 09/07/2017 17:34

It sounds like Linda is deliberately trying to build a wedge between the two of you.
You were cordial and polite on receiving the news that's really as much as they can expect in the circumstances.

My aunt was a bit like this , she seemed to go out of her way to create drama between my uncle and his grown up DCs from first marriage, things like sending them a letter saying she was so upset with the diet they were being fed (perfectly normal) in order to force uncle into having to pick a side.

I'd be careful with any response just keep it to something like " Congratulations, I am pleased for you" and if pressed " I would of course have wanted to be there for the happy event but understand it was your choice. I'm glad it was such a good day."

Just don't get drawn into the drama.

Aeroflotgirl · 09/07/2017 17:34

I am afraid YABVVVU, its up to them, how and when they get married. They are adults, and so are you!

Original poster
Rosynamechange · 09/07/2017 17:39

Horsemad
It is upsetting isn't it. When I rang them I asked if anyone knew and Linda said "no not even the neighbours know yet"

Was that supposed to make me feel better? Hmm

OP posts:
Horsemad · 09/07/2017 17:41

Yeah, my mum and other sister were really upset.

I thought she had a cheek to use my mum like she did.

Things have never been great with her and my mum and sister since.

Original poster
Rosynamechange · 09/07/2017 17:43

Aero

I know I asked if people think I've been unreasonable, but very, very, very unreasonable? really?

OP posts:
Horsemad · 09/07/2017 17:46

I often wonder how the posters who say it's upto them 'who/how/where they marry' would react if a family member did it!

I bet not all of them who say that would be so reasonable... Wink

Madwoman5 · 09/07/2017 17:52

My Dad got married and did not invite me or my sibling. No reason given, just didn't "see it was necessary". His new child (with DSM) and all his friends were there but completely excluded all his family in favour of hers and their new friends. Hurt? Yes. But you get over it.

With all due respect to Linda and your Dad, what the fuck did they expect? Hardly subtle to post it on FB was it?! Arse.

Original poster
Rosynamechange · 09/07/2017 17:56

MadWoman

You must've been upset too with your dad doing this.
It was another poster who announced her wedding on FB though. I received a picture on my mobile to break the news. Actually, I don't think I'd have been any more upset than I was receiving that text than if they'd themselves plastered it on FB.

OP posts:
ZippyCameBack · 09/07/2017 18:02

My sister got married without telling me. In fact, she told (but didn't invite) my mother the day before and told her not to tell me "in case I did something to ruin it". Really.
I did the nice thing and sent flowers with a card congratulating her, but I did feel very firmly put in my place.
In you place I'd be hurt too. Especially at the way you were told about it.

Original poster
Rosynamechange · 09/07/2017 18:23

Roomster

I don't blame them for not wanting to invite you if their other children weren't invited either

The thing is, it isn't my fault none of the other three have no relationship with them. Linda's children see her, but have nothing to do with my dad through their own choice. I've not even met my now 'half brother and sister'!

I feel like I've been 'penalised' because of this. Yet I'm the only one whose made an effort.

OP posts:
Horsemad · 09/07/2017 18:29

I think your Dad & Linda could have told all the DC that they were getting married and were welcome to attend and those that wanted to, could have.

Bit of a copout, the way they've gone about it, imo.

HermioneKipper · 09/07/2017 18:38

YANBU - completely understand how you feel, I would be devasted as well. My grandad did this and my dad never forgave him. Why would you purposefully exclude your children?

Original poster
Rosynamechange · 09/07/2017 18:40

Horsemad

That's what I thought too, would've been better to at least let all 4 of us know before hand and possibly give us the option as to whether we'd like to attend the wedding.

I can't help but wonder whether Linda did actually tell her two (or invite them beforehand) but they weren't interested and that's why I was excluded.

OP posts:
Original poster
Rosynamechange · 09/07/2017 18:45

Hermione
I can't understand why people exclude children,.never in a million years could I do it to mine.

OP posts:
comedycentral · 09/07/2017 18:52

From reading all of your posts I think that they just thrive on drama! They are loving this reaction as it gives them something else to moan about, it seems it's always been that way with them falling out with everyone.

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