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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for feeling very hurt my dad got married without telling anyone?

130 replies

Rosynamechange · 09/07/2017 11:07

As the title says really. I feel extremely hurt and shocked that my dad and his partner went and married last week whilst on holiday down south.

I found out when I suddenly received a picture message on my phone from his new wife, it was just a pic of their hands showing their wedding rings. Everyone had been led to believe they were just enjoying a normal two week holiday.

I'm gutted because I thought I'd always had a very close relationship with my dad, and when he was widowed a few years ago I helped him by being there as much as possible. He met his (now wife) around six months after my stepmum passed away and I've got on with her brilliantly too. My sister has been estranged from our dad for a number of years and dad's new wife 'Linda" also has two grown up children, but they haven't been interested in forming a relationship with my dad, apparently because they've hinted that they think he's with 'Linda' for her money. Which is definitely not the case.

Therefore, for the past two and a half years, out of all of us, its only myself and my kids who've kept in regular contact (visiting each other weekly) with my dad and Linda.

After seeing the pic of their rings (and taking a few moments to take in the shock) I contacted my dad and wished them both congratulations, but he could clearly tell I wasn't my usual jovial self. Linda rang me the next day, and by her manner of speaking she gave the impression that I had to 'suck it up' especially as she said 'the job is done'. Her kids weren't told either apparently and when I spoke to my dad afterwards, he said that Linda thought I was 'off' with her and repeatedly asked if I was ok. I told him I was happy for them but quite shocked and (to play it down) a little hurt that they'd married in secret. His reaction stunned me even more when he became angry and said 'so what we've got married?' 'I'm sick of this bollocks' and hung up. I've not heard from them since. They're still on honeymoon and I feel gutted.

Just to add, I would be very happy for my dad to marry Linda, if it was done without all the secrecy!

So sorry for the very long post. I just want to ask, AIBU for feeling hurt and shocked that my own dad could do this?

OP posts:
Original poster
Rosynamechange · 09/07/2017 19:54

Restless traveller

I think you were incredibly rude to have discussed this whilst they were still on their honeymoon, if you had to do it at all! Why would you ruin it for them?

I take it you don't believe it was incredibly rude to send me a picture message to announce the news then?

OP posts:
Graceflorrick · 09/07/2017 19:59

This happened to me. Almost identically. I have no contact with DF or his family. It solidified my suspicion that I'm not relevant or even an afterthought in his life.

LaContessaDiPlump · 09/07/2017 20:10

I think it's unfair to goad the OP for getting into this on their honeymoon; they sent her a text and she got in touch to acknowledge the event. Her DF and new stepmother then pressed the issue in various ways in order to dig out her true opinion (while on their honeymoon too)!! I don't think the timing is the op's fault - all she's guilty of is not being a sufficiently good actress.

I sympathise as my own mother had form for this sort of thing (does something that she knows will make you sad, tells you, probes for your feelings and rages when you naively take her at face value and confirm her suspicions).

Blondeshavemorefun · 09/07/2017 20:25

i can understand why you feel hurt

tho it is their life and their choice, it would have been nice to

  1. known about it

  2. been asked if wanted to attend or

  3. dad totell you his self rather then linda

and yes if he moaned at your sister doing the same he hasnt a leg to stand on

Original poster
Rosynamechange · 09/07/2017 20:45

Graceflorrick
Sorry to hear that. That sums up how I've been feeling too, irrelevant and unimportant.

OP posts:
DividedKingdom · 09/07/2017 20:56

I posted on page 1, happy to see you got lots of replies.

The bit that got me was that you were treated with the lowest common denominator brush vs siblings etc who hadn't shown them anything like the same level of support you had when the relationship developed sharpish after a bereavement which must have been difficult to support in the first place.

Totally get where you're coming from OP, I think you're a saint for calling proactively in the first place, and Linda is as goady as fuck.

Original poster
Rosynamechange · 09/07/2017 21:22

Thanks Divided.

It's gutting that I've always been close to my dad ( and my mum, whose also shocked) and was there for him when my stepmum sadly passed away. I'm a single working mum too but always find time for people.
When he met Linda, I made her feel welcome in my home and thought I got on great with her.

I even took them both out very recently for a father's day meal, (where they had ample opportunity to tell me their plans) and they just spoke of their forthcoming 'holiday' with no hint of what they were about to do.

Just gutted.

OP posts:
AVY1 · 09/07/2017 21:51

YANBU. I have no issue with people eloping but this has escalated unnecessarily because of events after and I wouldn't be happy either.

I'm wondering though if they'd already spoken to the other children and were already wound up and you've ended up bearing the brunt of their hurt at the others not reacting well?

Liara · 09/07/2017 21:58

You are making it all about you, when clearly it isn't.

The reason people elope is that everyone and his dog has to have a say about how you get married, and it all ends up being about everyone else instead of about the couple.

You are living proof that that is the case.

You need to get over it and accept the choice that they, as consenting adults, were free to make and have done.

You are being very childish.

kittybiscuits · 09/07/2017 22:16

I would ignore this bile ^^. Either Linda has joined MN or someone else who has pulled the same stunt. Deeply unpleasant.

Original poster
Rosynamechange · 09/07/2017 23:24

I agree Kitty

Liara I know I posted on AIBU and understand that people's opinions differ and some have said I have been unreasonable. Fair enough.

However, out of all the people who have said they think I'm unreasonable, you are the only one whose been really nasty towards me. And you come across as extremely hard faced.

You say that I'm making this all about me, well who else am I posting about? If you'd read my posts properly you will have seen that I wasn't expecting to attend my dad's wedding, if they wanted it to only be about them and their special day.

As for me 'being childish' as you put it, don't you think its under hand and childish to notify your daughter by text regarding your wedding? and to add insult to injury get arsey when said daughter is shocked?

In short, you're about as compassionate as a brick.

OP posts:
Original poster
Rosynamechange · 10/07/2017 15:22

Whilewearonthesubject

Thanks, I'll definitely not apologise and you're response to 'Linda' sounds spot on

OP posts:
HipsterHunter · 10/07/2017 15:24

You are kinda making it all about you... when its not actually about you. It is about your dad and his new wife.

Original poster
Rosynamechange · 10/07/2017 16:02

Hipster

I know it was their special day and I'm not some 'special snowflake' who has to have everything all about me. Far from it!

It seems as if you've not read my posts properly, because if you did you might have worked out how I believed my relationship with my dad was. Many people agree that its bang out of order to send a text to your daughter to announce your marriage!

OP posts:
kittybiscuits · 10/07/2017 16:40

Your children are your children for ever. You should not treat them like crap. You do not get to call people childish, selfish or snowflakes when they feel hurt by the very selfish actions of their parent.

Original poster
Rosynamechange · 10/07/2017 18:11

Thank you everyone for your comments and opinions. I now feel that I've every right to feel the way I do.

OP posts:
Liara · 10/07/2017 21:06

Sorry if I was too harsh.

I was probably projecting.

I wanted to elope with dh. In the end we felt it would not be fair to announce it ex post so we called our families the day before.

They made such a fuss that we agreed to postpone it until they could make it over (they were all abroad). In the end our wedding was all about them, and not at all about us.

It's been 25 years, and I still regret not letting them know through a postcard after the event.

I'm not empathising with you, but I am empathising with your father.

I was incredibly close to my own father, btw, and when he got married shortly after I did without letting anyone know until after, I gave him a big hug and said I was sorry to not have been there but I totally understood and was happy for him. I understood it was not about me, and no reflection on our relationship.

kittybiscuits · 10/07/2017 22:22

So sort of an apology then....you started off well Hmm

Original poster
Rosynamechange · 11/07/2017 09:52

Liara

So both yours and your dh's families weren't happy that you were planning to elope. I presume there were a fair number of people unhappy, so does that mean you considered them all to be 'childish' because they weren't happy about your plans? It clearly must've hit a nerve for either you or your dh because you did eventually include them.

In my situation, I wasn't 'making a fuss' because my dad had actually gone and done it. I was hurt at the WAY it was done (with all the secrecy ) and hurt at the WAY in which I found out.

I'll reiterate for you. I wouldn't have expected to go if that was their wishes, I just would've wanted to atleast know of their plans so I could wish them well etc.

Myself and my children are the only relatives my dad is in contact with, (we don't have a massive family on his side) and considering I've been there when my stepmum (his second wife) was terminally ill and sorted out his affairs etc after she passed away, and have always been there for him, why wouldn't I feel hurt to be excluded from such an important event in his life?

As for you being supportive of your own father's secret wedding, well I imagine theres a couple of reasons for that.

  1. You would've been a hypocrite if you didn't support him, given the fact he knew that it was your original intention to marry in secret.

  2. Because you're cut from the same cloth as your father. Selfish.

OP posts:
Liara · 11/07/2017 21:07

Or perhaps that unlike everyone else in the family we are not completely egocentric and think that everything that everyone does is designed for the reaction it will cause in us?

kittybiscuits · 11/07/2017 23:11

You are coming across as pretty egotistical actually Liara, posting this bile all over the thread of someone who is very hurt.

Voice0fReason · 11/07/2017 23:27

I think that everyone has the right to get married without obligations to tell or involve anyone else.
I appreciate some relative might feel upset about that but the couple who are getting married are the people who actually matter.
No-one should have to get married in a way that they don't want, just to keep someone else happy.

TheStoic · 12/07/2017 04:14

Your father and his now wife can get married in the way that suits them and their relationship, obviously.

It must feel, though, that you are apparently not as important or close to them as you had thought. That would hurt.

TheFlame · 12/07/2017 07:55

this has hit a nerve with me because I found out my dad had remarried after they came back from honeymoon. They only had four people there so very small and that's completely fine. I was a teenager for context.

But it does hurt to find out that a parent is happy enough to get married again (my parents are divorced) but didn't want to share that with you. Not even a 'we're thinking of getting married'.

And it's interesting that on some other threads it's seen as practically a crime to have a child free wedding, but to not tell your adult child who you have a good relationship with some exciting news about your upcoming holiday is absolutely fine.

junebirthdaygirl · 12/07/2017 08:08

Think Op that your dad is entitled to do as he wishes but you are entitled to react as you wish. He made his decision and now he should be able to live with the consequences. So it is fine for you to say you are hurt and its fine for you to pull back a bit from him now. We dont do stuff in isolation. Our decisions affect others. If we choose not to take others into account we cant be in a big huff when they dont particularly like what we did. Let him off to do his own thing but l would be pulling right back for a while. Sending a text which l presume was copied around was a bit low down. Mind yourself.