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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for feeling very hurt my dad got married without telling anyone?

130 replies

Rosynamechange · 09/07/2017 11:07

As the title says really. I feel extremely hurt and shocked that my dad and his partner went and married last week whilst on holiday down south.

I found out when I suddenly received a picture message on my phone from his new wife, it was just a pic of their hands showing their wedding rings. Everyone had been led to believe they were just enjoying a normal two week holiday.

I'm gutted because I thought I'd always had a very close relationship with my dad, and when he was widowed a few years ago I helped him by being there as much as possible. He met his (now wife) around six months after my stepmum passed away and I've got on with her brilliantly too. My sister has been estranged from our dad for a number of years and dad's new wife 'Linda" also has two grown up children, but they haven't been interested in forming a relationship with my dad, apparently because they've hinted that they think he's with 'Linda' for her money. Which is definitely not the case.

Therefore, for the past two and a half years, out of all of us, its only myself and my kids who've kept in regular contact (visiting each other weekly) with my dad and Linda.

After seeing the pic of their rings (and taking a few moments to take in the shock) I contacted my dad and wished them both congratulations, but he could clearly tell I wasn't my usual jovial self. Linda rang me the next day, and by her manner of speaking she gave the impression that I had to 'suck it up' especially as she said 'the job is done'. Her kids weren't told either apparently and when I spoke to my dad afterwards, he said that Linda thought I was 'off' with her and repeatedly asked if I was ok. I told him I was happy for them but quite shocked and (to play it down) a little hurt that they'd married in secret. His reaction stunned me even more when he became angry and said 'so what we've got married?' 'I'm sick of this bollocks' and hung up. I've not heard from them since. They're still on honeymoon and I feel gutted.

Just to add, I would be very happy for my dad to marry Linda, if it was done without all the secrecy!

So sorry for the very long post. I just want to ask, AIBU for feeling hurt and shocked that my own dad could do this?

OP posts:
Bumbumtaloo · 09/07/2017 11:49

When I booked my wedding it was booked with every intention of it just being DH and me with two random people as witnesses. We are both close to our families but both hate being the centre of attention and so thought it would be best.

In the end we wanted our parents there and it kind of snowballed from there, I say snowballed but the truth is there was 20 guests all close family and friends and honestly, I wouldn't change it for the world.

When my mum married her husband they literally told me and his daughter the week before and we were the witnesses, so just 4 of us there. The following day we all went for lunch which included partners and children, once again that's what they wanted to do.

OP I get why your upset, I really do. Your dad and his wife obviously decided to do it this way because of the issues with the other children. I'm guessing your dad kept pushing you because although you were saying all the right things, he could hear in your voice that you were upset.

He shouldn't of snapped at you but probably felt upset because he had upset you, the one child who had fully supported them being together.

Summerswallow · 09/07/2017 11:51

I don't think you have done anything wrong, you congratulated them, they kept asking if you were ok, eventually you pointed out it wasn't that great to get a text and they didn't like it when your sister did the same.

Ah, let it go now. And try to move on when they get back. It's not worth all this angst if you are genuinely happy about their marriage. It sounds like whatever they had done, no-one would have been happy anyway, as if they'd planned it and invited you, the others wouldn't have come and it would have been a 'big deal', I think this was the least worst option for all concerned.

pigeondujour · 09/07/2017 11:51

I don't think it's reasonable to expect her to be gushing about a wedding she was notified about after the event by picture text. He's her dad. And it being their honeymoon doesn't mean he should get endless support for its duration, especially when it's his second or third marriage. He's got the right to marry who/where/when he wants but actions have consequences for other people's feelings.

burnoutbabe · 09/07/2017 11:52

surely though dad could have rung her and said something like "i have gotten married yesterday, sorry we could not invite you, but the other kids would not attend so we decided to do it quietly, lets meet up when back".

So there was a way of telling the OP nicely and acknowledging that they had at least thought about why they didn't tell her in advance.

Or even told her in advance and just said no one was invited due to family politics. That would have been nicer as well.

Original poster
Rosynamechange · 09/07/2017 11:53

Restless Traveller

How could I not ring them up? I didn't ring them and act pissed off. I honestly tried to sound happy for them.

OP posts:
RestlessTraveller · 09/07/2017 11:56

If you had to "try" to sound happy for them then you should have just messaged instead. They didn't ring to tell you, so there was no need for you to ring them.

pigeondujour · 09/07/2017 12:00

They didn't ring to tell you, so there was no need for you to ring them.

They did ring a day later to labour the point, so...

MatildaTheCat · 09/07/2017 12:02

Look, it's done now so YANBU to feel a little hurt but possibly U to have said so just one day after hearing. You were the one child who they felt supported by so probably a really heartfelt congratulations and how pleased you were for them would have been better.

I'm guessing that's why your dad was off with you.

Send another message saying how sorry you are if you seemed less than thrilled and you are, in fact, delighted for them and looking forward to celebrating with them when they get home.

He's happy and that's what matters now.

RestlessTraveller · 09/07/2017 12:02

Because she'd sounded 'off' when she rang.

Steeley113 · 09/07/2017 12:03

I got married in secret last month to my partner of 10 years. We posted on Facebook too! Most people were genuinely happy for us but we could definitely tell the wooden 'congratulations' to the genuine ones. The ones who were displeased were basically met with the same response you had. Our marriage was nothing to do with anyone but ourselves and we didn't need permission or approval or a fancy wedding. Yabu because it is nothing to do with you and won't effect your life or relationship with those people

soapboxqueen · 09/07/2017 12:04

OP I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. I think it's hurtful to disregard other people in big life events and then pretend they are being unreasonable when they are hurt. Your dad could have told you before hand and just explained to keep it to yourself and that they aren't having anyone else there as would cause drama. He could have called you straight afterwards to talk to you about it.

People have every right to get married how ever they see for but they are not exempt from the consequences. It is not an unsuprising that a close relative could feel hurt by these actions.

pigeondujour · 09/07/2017 12:04

The conversation was done, she'd said congratulations and they wanted to push the issue. They aren't entitled to OP's enthusiasm about their wedding from which she was excluded despite being close to them both.

RestlessTraveller · 09/07/2017 12:07

No but the op isn't entitled to spoil their honeymoon because she feels put out at not being included.

BewareOfDragons · 09/07/2017 12:08

Wait. Your SISTER eloped some years ago, and your DAD didn't let it go for some time? And now HE's cross and ridiculous because HE did the same thing and you told him you were sad you weren't there?

He's unreasonable. You wished them well, you said you were happy for them, him pushing you for your 'feelings' was looking for problems. That's on him. He owes you an apology.

nina2b · 09/07/2017 12:08

ThePinkOcelot

I would be really hurt too, especially by your dads reaction on the phone. There was no need for that at all.

Agreed. Some people never fail to disappoint.

Mummyoflittledragon · 09/07/2017 12:08

I totally disagree with the suck it up and pissing on their honeymoon style comments.

It was the way they communicated their marriage to you, which I think is hurtful above anything else. Had they communicated to you like ADULTS e.g. burnouts text, it would have been a lot easier to be happy for them.

They had no right to disregard your feelings and no right to send you hurtful texts or calls and expect you to lie to them when pressed. If they have approached their entire relationship with such bravado, it isn't any wonder why you are the only child willing to be a part of both their lives.

I think I'd be sending your father a text saying you are very happy they decided to marry. Your upset was the way you were told rather than the event itself. I'd also tell him you are sorry for them that none of the other children have been supportive of the relationship and this is not your responsibility. I'd then ask him to consider your feelings in future as you don't want your relationship with them to be damaged.

LeakyLittleBoat · 09/07/2017 12:11

YANBU to feel a bit hurt but it would be a shame to let this spoil the good relationship you've had thus far with them when the other dc don't. You clearly are happy for them as a couple just it was a bit of a shock to take in by text that way. They were probably feeling a little defensive so read more between the lines than was actually there. Do you know where they're staying? Could you maybe arrange to have a celebratory bottle of fizz sent to the hotel? That way they'll quickly realise you don't disapprove of the marriage just you were a bit hurt not to be told in advance.

Original poster
Rosynamechange · 09/07/2017 12:11

Thanks Pidgeon.

You can see exactly what I'm feeling.

OP posts:
rinabean · 09/07/2017 12:12

seems there's a reason none of their other kids like them

This is how they treat the good one - having a go and pushing for true feelings that they don't want to hear ?

Mustardnowletsnotbesilly · 09/07/2017 12:15

We got a postcard from My Grandad when he remarried saying "We have done the deed!" Mum was a bit shocked but really it wasn't about her or us. You just have to be happy for them as you sound like you are important to them! Can you phone the hotel where they are and send a nice bottle of bubbly to their room as a congratulations/apology. You only get one life and one Dad.

Original poster
Rosynamechange · 09/07/2017 12:15

Bewareofdragons

Yes precisely!

My sis did the same thing twenty years ago! Our mum accepted it but my dad was mightily pissed off and has bought it up on occasion over the years.

Talk about double standards!

OP posts:
AvoidingCallenetics · 09/07/2017 12:16

If your dad didn't want to know what you really felt, then he shouldn't have kept badgering you until you told him.
I think it's fair enough to go off and get married privately. Their wedding, their choice, but you deserved a phone call from your dad.
Getting a text message from his new wife and no direct communication from your own father is a shitty way to find out he got married!
I think he was snappy because you hit a nerve. He knows he should have spoken to you but doesn't want to admit to himself that he handled it badly. Especially in the light of him having kicked off when your sister eloped.
I think you reacted the best you could and you are entitled to your feelings. Your dad sounds like a bit of a selfish arse.

Original poster
Rosynamechange · 09/07/2017 12:17

Mustard
I don't even know where they're staying, where they got married or anything. I just know they're married. Because of a text message

OP posts:
Original poster
Rosynamechange · 09/07/2017 12:21

Steeley

Thanks for your comments Hmm
I would've hoped that it would be something to do with me as I'm my dad's daughter.

I'm not some random person on FB.
I hope when you announced your wedding, you're immediate family didn't get to find out this way.

OP posts:
Beelzebop · 09/07/2017 12:22

Rosy, I can see you are really hurt at how you were told. I would be too. I can totally see why they did it, but the way of telling you was not great and surprised you! Can you not pop over when they return and try and explain that? Your Dad saying about being sick of this bollocks is him going into Dad panic reboot in cheese mode. He is upset he has upset you, is worried about the fallout and is upset himself at it. It would be upsetting for you, but maybe send them a text saying hope you are enjoying your honeymoon, see you next week... And then pop round for a chat? Xxxx

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