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AIBU?

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Original poster

For making DP's sister's come and pick up their children?

385 replies

Boggysib · 09/07/2017 08:26

We were on holiday and visiting points of interest. DP is from the area - we live two hours away and were staying in an hotel along with our kids aged 6 and 1.

We arrived at a certain historical place and were trekking over to its play area. We were about to eat our picnic when it became apparent that our niece (3) and nephews (5 & 2) had been left with us to look at after as only DP's mum arrived.

Both dp and I were BUSY taking turns with the 1 year old.

DP's mum and was chasing after the 3yo while the 2yo was restrained in his buggy the whole time (2 hours or so). He doesn't get let out anywhere. He is a handful and tends to hit other children. I did not feel comfortable letting him loose. He got no interaction the whole time we were at the play area. I gave him a banana and topped up his water bottle.

So it turns out DP's sister's were away - one getting hair done, other cleaning house.

I messaged them both saying one of your children has been abandoned, the other being chased by your mum so she hasn't had a the chance to eat her lunch. I didn't come on holiday for this.....

We didn't get to to do what we had planned that day because we had to babysit their children. They obviously cannot be bothered with their children and dump them on DP's mum at any opportunity.

Wibu for thinking we shouldn't have been put in that position?

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 09/07/2017 14:10

In the car

flumpybear · 09/07/2017 14:10

Your SILs are taking the piss but your MIL also needs to stand up to them that it's too much for her
If you're on holiday it's not an excuse to be dumped on

Sunnymorningwithbacon · 09/07/2017 14:18

The op is only guessing the SIL was in the car. She doesn't know.

Stressalot42 · 09/07/2017 14:22

The kids don't know us that well and I felt totally out of my comfort zone looking after one of the nephews. He has behavioural issues. And of think it's down to the fact he's always ignored and gets very little interaction.

You sound massively judgy! When did you get a degree in parenting?

Maybe get to know your nieces and nephews?

Also, what relevance is the fact that both sisters are single parents?

Let your husband deal with his family, they are clearly beneath you!

rookiemere · 09/07/2017 14:25

Yes how very princessy of you OP to expect that SILs would come with you on a prearranged family trip where they'd picked the destination.

Don't you know that as they are single parents enjoying free childcare in tap and faaamily to boot, you should have no expectations of them whatsoever.

Indeed you should make sure that you've prepared strategies in advance to ensure all dcs enjoy a fun filled outing (apart from your own 'whinging' baby who apparently doesn't need much attention), even though you weren't expecting to be providing childcare.

GreenTulips · 09/07/2017 14:26

Maybe get to know your nieces and nephews?

Maybe the sisters could get to know theirs?

These people are taking the pee - OP did not agree to baby sit, they wanted to spend time with MIL and their own children - AND the sisters with their kids - they DSis not agree to spend their day looking after others and watching MIL chase little kids around

OP can judge the situation because that's what she was presented with

BlackeyedSusan · 09/07/2017 14:30

if you are not used to dealing with a child with SN then it can be difficult to know what to do with them, as they need individualised care. you have to know when to ignore behviour and when to intervene and what form that intervention takes. what works for one makes it a hell of a lot worse for another. also the parents are usually the expert in the intervention required...and can spot the warning signs that things are going pear shaped before any other adult, usually. Being left with a child or two with additional needs when you are not familiar with their triggers is not easy.

OP took enough supervision for her kids. (baby and 6 yr old. ) (one adult each) as 5 and 6 year olds still need supervision because they can have their mad moments and may need help on the terrain which sounded tricky for littlies. She should not be expected to help look after the others when she has not been asked or agreed to the arrangement.

YANBU

paxillin · 09/07/2017 14:33

Of course OP could have managed any number of toddlers, but why should she? They clearly don't know her. SILs have form for dump and run.

Any future MIL meet-ups with more kids than she can handle would be cut short. SIL wouldn't get to run off again, either. Phone call the moment she does "you forgot your kids, I'm off, come get them".

Original poster
Boggysib · 09/07/2017 14:33

I did speak to 2yo nephew in the buggy, peeled his banana. But this was far from satisfactory care for him.

It was more like 2 adults and 4 kids. As I said the majority of the time I was breastfeeding clingy DD.

The day before we had all went to visit a castle. The same sister sat in the car but said could mil bring her 3yo DD back to the car by 4pm. She sat in her car for hours.....

OP posts:
Sunnymorningwithbacon · 09/07/2017 14:34

Hold on. I'm confused. I thought the SIL who sits in the car was the parent to the 3 year old? Not the 2 year old with the behavioural issues?

rookiemere · 09/07/2017 14:37

I'll probably get flamed for this but it does sound as if car sitting SIL has MH or other issues. It sounds as if MIL is effectively bringing her up then other SIL is jealous and demanding same childcare so punting hers off too.

Situation far from ideal and I hope what OP did had maybe shook them up a bit and given them cause to reassess the arrangement.

JaneEyre70 · 09/07/2017 14:42

Tbh it's a bit of an odd family dynamic, but I'd be very concerned about a MIL having 3 boisterous kids dumped on her right left and centre, and her struggling with it. Perhaps when the dust has settled, your DP could talk to his sisters and say that he's worried about their mum and she seemed a little unable to cope. Surely they could help each other a bit more, or agree that only 2 kids max to give to MIL. Poor lady, I'm a grandmother to 3 under 5, I'm 46 and there are times I bloody struggle when I've got all of them, you need eyes in the back of your head. If I was retired, I'd be having them 1 to 1 only!

Original poster
Boggysib · 09/07/2017 14:54

Yeh the sister in car is mum to 3yo. Other sister is mum to the 5 and 2yo.

OP posts:
user1495025590 · 09/07/2017 15:05

Another interpretation is:- the MIL offers to take all the kids to meet their cousins.SIL doubts how MIL will cope, but does not want to hurt her feelings by expressing this, so instead waits in car park incase called upon. otherwise what possible enjoyment could SIL have got from sitting in a car park in a car on a beautiful day?

user1495025590 · 09/07/2017 15:06

...and its unlikely both SILs dumped their kids same time same day! No.I think MIL has insisted on taking them all

Original poster
Boggysib · 09/07/2017 15:09

So now I see that really, yesterday was nothing out of the ordinary for the sisters and mil.

Not that it's right by any means but I know it's not my business.

I did say to mil that we wanted to spend time with her. But I see now that that will never happen while she bears the brunt of looking after the grandchildren.

From someone on the outside looking in, their situation looks like horrendous. Whilst all three get cared for by mil, it's of no quality and to the detriment of everyone. She is constantly trying to stop 2yo from hurting 3yo. 5yo is doing his own thing crashing about the place, squealing and shouting. Everyone is crying.

I feel bad about it and worry for them.

OP posts:
Original poster
Boggysib · 09/07/2017 15:15

The sister in the car was with us at the start of the outing (think big estate with 18 century house). She said will she go back and find the others? (mil and the 2 nephews arrived together with other sister). The she just disappeared!

Sister with the 2yo and 5yo said the day before she dreads the thought of having 2yo ds out and about again but she didn't bloody stay either!

OP posts:
gillybeanz · 09/07/2017 15:21

They aren't your family you should have got dp to deal with it, he should have told his mum and sisters.
Talk to d and make sure it doesn't happen again.

Sunnymorningwithbacon · 09/07/2017 15:24

I still don't understand that gilly the op hasn't answered that any of the times I've asked

Original poster
Boggysib · 09/07/2017 15:36

What don't you understand sunny?

We were indeed on our family holiday. DP it's grim the area his family stay. We stayed in a nearby hotel.

In my head we'd get to explore the area am visit certain places of interest.

Usually we go down for the day and travel back at night the same day. It's just under 4 hours travel by car in a day.

So we never have bags of time to visit everyone.

The holiday was about having the opportunity to spend more time with folks and the cousins to see each other too,as well as visit historical sites.

We talked about it before hand. It'll just not happen again.

OP posts:
Original poster
Boggysib · 09/07/2017 15:37

Argh typos, *dp is from the area where his family stay.

OP posts:
Roomster101 · 09/07/2017 15:37

YANBU. It's not your job to look after their children if they didn't ask. If your MIL can't cope with all three, I think you did the right thing telling them to collect your children. She clearly hasn't been able to stand up for herself and someone needs to let them know that it is too much for her and the children are suffering as a consequence.

Roomster101 · 09/07/2017 15:37

your children their children

TipTopTipTopClop · 09/07/2017 15:42

It's not ideal, but three adults can look after three under-5s. You overreacted unless this is part of a pattern.

GreenTulips · 09/07/2017 15:43

It's not ideal, but three adults can look after three under-5s. You overreacted unless this is part of a pattern.

Happy for you to have my 3 on your next holiday.