To think I've messed up badly?

[PeppaPigObsession]

I'm 25 and have a 2 year old DD. 2 weeks ago my husband walked out on us.

He's quit his job and refusing to claim benefits so no maintenance. And I'm just not sure how I'm going to cope.

My DD has a Global Developmental Delay, Hip Dysplasia, Squint, Hearing Problems and is Asthmatic. She gets lower rate DLA, and because of that she isn't entitled to the mobility element, she'll be eligible for that when she's 3.5 apparently. So £22 a week DLA.

I'll get income support of £73.10 a week and Child Tax Credits of £64 a week. So with Child Benefit of £20.70 a week I have an income of £179.80.

Rent is covered by housing benefit but because I'm on my own and under 35 and the place is adapted for DDs needs I only get the first £90 a week paid. My rent is £150 a week without HB.

Water rates are £15 a week and I top Gas and Electric up between £10 and £20 a week each depending on how much it's used. So for ease £15 a week each.

I don't drive but DD has an appointment in the next town in hospital at least once per week. Tickets are £6.50 return. I do claim them back from the NHS but it can take up to 8 weeks to get the money back.

Part of my tenancy agreement with the Housing Association is I have to have Contents Insurance Policy so I can't cancel that.

I shop in Aldi or Morrisons MIL works for the latter and gave me her discount card but I still seem to spend £45 a week on both me and DD H never ate what we did so that's not changed much that includes 16 pints of milk as DD drinks 2 9oz bottles of it a day (so nearly a pint a day, a 4 pint bottle is £1.05 I'm quite short and not strong so I buy them in 4 pint bottles) plus I like DD to have porridge for breakfast which I have with her. I also like tea! We buy 2 loaves of bread a week, and DD has to have a banana every night before she goes to bed (it's been the routine since she was 6 months old and she won't go to bed until she's had her banana). So that's £5.55 before I've even bought any meals. Happy to have any ideas how to make it cheaper. Aldi and Morrisons are the only ones in my town, but DM will take me to Tesco or Asda on a Saturday.

Thankfully my DM has bought me a prepay card for my prescriptions, as I'm asthmatic and have hayfever myself.

I do have a cat, but I don't want to have to get rid of her unless I have to as she keeps me company once DD is in bed at night and she also sleeps in DDs room and comes to get me if DD has a problem.

As of September DD will no longer be going to Nursery as my granddad is stopping the £30 a week her gives me to cover it when her free hours kick in this was always the agreement as he has 8 grandchildren and I'm the only one he helps in such a way so he says it's not fair, I tried to speak to Nursery about it but they expect you to use them for at least 2 days which is 22 hours they're open, you use 15 hours of those and pay for the remaining 7 plus meals so it'll cost me £30 a week to send her to Nursery for 2 days which I don't feel I can afford. She currently gets Emerging Needs Funding but that stops at age 2 because most children are either then getting free hours due to DLA or are fixed. Her DLA rate isn't high enough to get any extra funding for the Nursery. So she'll lose her Nursery place and will suffer for it. I'm looking round to try and find another Nursery for her to go to but so far no where has places or will take her due to her SEN and not having the funding to meet her needs.

DD also needs to go swimming at least once a fortnight to strengthen her hips or help them realign if they've dislocated again. The cost is currently covered by Nursery but if she loses her place I'll have to find the cost of that.

So my weekly spend looks like this:
Rent £60
Water £15
Gas £15
Electric £15
Bus Ticket £6.50
TV License £3.06
Home Insurance £5.50
Nappies (bought monthly) £2.50
Food and Toiletries £45
Cat food £2.35
Cat Litter (bought monthly) £1
Swimming (paid on a pay as you go basis) £4.50

That leaves me with around £5 a week, if I'm lucky because DD might need to go to another hospital appointment or something a week. So that means one toddler group a week too, as they're at least £4 a time here maybe, none at all. I'm looking in to free ones but most children go to Nursery aged 2 where I live so the free ones stop at around that age

What the hell am I going to do with DD? She already struggles with boredom on the 4 in 7 she's home. How do I manage when she's home 7 in 7?

I feel so awful for her. Had i waited to have she was a contraception failure then maybe H wouldn't have left us. Maybe I'd have been able to work and we'd be better off, I don't know .

I've messed up so badly, and I don't know how we're going to manage at all. I feel like a slowly sinking ship and it's only a matter of time until she's taken off me by social cuz I can't cope.

You're doing a great job. Definitely speak to your council about discretionary housing payments. I'd also start your claim for maintenance. The people he's staying with will get sick of him soon and he'll get a job or claim benefits. Good luck op!

Op I haven't got any wisdom to share but you sound like a lovely mum. When the time is right you'll get back into employment, you are so articulate.

I just want to wish you well. X

Ah bugger re the children's centre - are there any church play groups? We found a lovely one around the corner but no advertising - just mentioned by another parent by chance or I wouldn't never have seen it.

OP I don't have much practical advice to add other than what has already been offered. But you are doing great. Your dd is so lucky to have you.

I hope your benefits get sorted out as it really does sound like you are being paid less than it should be somewhere.

Hang in there.

You sound really on the ball. Can you get referred to a foodback at all? What about a church with a Sunday school close by? At that age it will be about playing and some stories (don't worth if you're not religious people go to church for many reasons).

My hardwork is obviously paying off.

Today while chatting to the pediatrician and health visitor my DD - my beautiful, funny, slightly frustrating, extra needs DD - said a new word "mumma" I may have cried a little a lot i've waited 2 years and 2 weeks to have a name, 2 years of her saying "daddy" and "gaga" (grandma - my MIL) and "nana" (nanny - my mum) but never having a name for me. I finally have a name! I don't care that it's not mum or mummy, I'll be Mumma to MiniPig, I can live with Mumma

Pediatrician is pleased with her progress but is going to send her for tests for a Gross Motor Disorder as he's worried about her walking, her pinching skills, the fact she won't kick a ball and everything physical really, he says she should be jumping and running by now and she's not doing either and she was late meeting all her physical milestones, so he wants to rule it out - he's sure she;s got something though, and he said we can push for Middle Rate DLA if it does come back she has a Motor Disorder because the progress is slow so DLA will be more measurable. He also mentioned Hypermobility as a possibility either instead of a GMD or as well as I'm a little upset. I wish I could make it all better for her.

HV only attends these meetings because she's nosy she told me so, she used to be a childrens nurse but had to stop due to having her son so misses it apparently so takes every opportunity to dip back into it through appointments like DDs that she can. When I told her about what H had done she immediately pulled out the Food Bank referral forms before I'd even mentioned the financial situation, she told me to get myself down there, it's at my local community centre so I'm going tomorrow afternoon, they have a play area set up apparently that I can leave DD in while I chat. She told me to spend an hour or two there and "have a break" while DD is cared for. She's also coming to my meeting with Nursery tomorrow morning as she wants to see their forms for applying for Emerging Needs Funding for DD as she thinks they might be able to extend the funding until DDs DLA is sorted out I nearly kissed her seriously because if she gets Middle Rate DLA she can get Early Years Pupil Premium which is more than EN Funding so I should be able to put her back up to 3 days then. So DD should get up 30 hours paid for through Think 2 and the EN fund which will cover 2.5 days hopefully.

Didn't get a chance to call council or housing today as I was so busy chasing a toddler and talking to Pediatrician and HV but I promise to do it tomorrow morning. I've also got an appointment with CAB for Wednesday morning, one of my friends has given me the bus fare after my DBro told her what had happened so I can get myself sorted that way.

Contact CAB first if you can as a lot don't take off the street walk ins now, you have to have an appointment, wouldn't want you to waste your time or money

Foof I made the appointment for Wednesday morning, they're expecting me

Wishing you good luck! I don't have anything to add to the great advice you've received but you are doing so well. I hope the food bank works out well. My SIL ran one for a while and it was linked to all sorts of useful church things (and was for everyone).

Bureaucracy tends to give way before polite, persistent, energetic people, in my experience.

I don't know anything to help I'm afraid, but I just wanted to say that I have never seen anyone so on top of things. You are really doing an amazing job. Very encouraged that your paediatrician sounds really great and your health visitor sounds fantastic. Even if she is just nosey!

Great news about the HV, sounds like she's totally on your side.

'Mumma'. Ahhh, I nearly had a tear in my eye then. I bet you did too!

Keep on keeping on!

HTTPS:www.familyholidayassociation.org.uk/apply-for-a-break/family-fund/

It may be worth looking at this website, they may be able to help with things you may need or even a break away for you both.

If you have a child with a disability you should know about
the Family Fund.
Family FundThe Family Fund gives grants to lower income families with disabled children for things that make life easier and more enjoyable. Grants are given to those raising a disabled or seriously ill child aged 17 or under, to help improve well-being and ease the pressures they often face.

A grant can help with items such as washing machines, fridges, bedding, specialist toys and much-needed family breaks. The Family Fund uses their own eligibility criteria to ensure that it only helps those families who are most in need.

I can't add anything but from your op I just know you will be fine as you seem very switched on and this will just be a minor bump for you

Forgot to add in my message, when you speak to the council about the council tax reduction, make sure any refund for the single person discount goes to YOUR account.

Also on the subject of council tax, don't know if been said already, you may get a band reduction due to having a wheelchair user in the house (you do, she needs wheels to get from a to b and your home has been adapted to her needs).

They may come to do an inspection and have a look to make sure your house is wheelchair accessible, part of this is that you show need room for equipment etc. Check your local council website for their rules. I found the council very helpful and did get a backdated council tax refund, it took a bit of time but they were very thorough and very straightforward to deal with. Please call and ask them for help.

Regarding your PILs. I don't think they get to say "children are their parent's responsibility, we won't help" ... when they have disowned their own child.

I absolutely get why they did - he is a shit, and no mistake - but that conveniently leaves them free of any children to help out.

They are putting their ideals above the wellbeing of the family they still have. If
they can help, they should.

I know you can't force them to do anything or change their attitude - but that doesn't mean you have to respect their stance.

You're like a force of nature OP, you sound unstoppable! Lots of people would go to pieces faced with the hurdles you're dealing with but you're powering through, your DD is a lucky girl to have you for a mum

@PeppaPigObsession I have 2 things to say.

1. defo defo look into asking/applying for all of your benefits again now you are a SINGLE parent it is different to applying as a couple (esp as u get no help from dick face)
2. you are AMAZING ❤️❤️❤️

Great work op. I hope your doctors get you a good diagnosis and help for your dd.

Why would the OP have an update two days later?

This isn't a soap opera where you get a new instalment every couple of days.

To share her continuing good news

Sorry to disappoint Brexit DD started vomiting at 5am so couldn't go to Nursery so I didn't manage to have the meeting with them so no update today

Had a call from the Nursery this afternoon, apparently the General Manager (GM), Finance Manager (FM) and Health Visitor had a meeting without me on Tuesday thanks for telling me your talking about my daughter without me!

Firstly I got an apology from the GM, as apparently the member of staff I spoke to about the free hours was quoting policy but doesn't know the individual situation with regards to DD so should of referred me to either the GM or FM. She's been spoken to and told in future to say to parents "I don't need to deal with fees or finances please speak to X or Y about it". GM said she didn't want me to feel that I couldn't discuss the situation with them because although they do have policies and rules regarding the free hours they are flexible to individual circumstances and are apparently a family run business the GM is the Managing Directors daughter, FM is MDs niece and both GM and FM have children that are cared for or have been cared for by the Nursery.

I was then passed to FM who told me not to worry, apparently DDs place at the Nursery is safe, even if I can't afford to pay, they'll find the money from elsewhere. FM said they'd been predicting we as a family might struggle to pay the fees even before H left so she'd been looking at how she could help us keep DD there . She didn't say too much more but apparently they've found 25 hours funding for DD which is 2.5 days and are looking at securing the rest of the funding for the extra half day, but apparently DD can still attend 3 days either way - I'm a little suspicious, I don't want them to say she can go and then not have the funding so her place is withdrawn, but they apparently told the HV all this so at least I've got some backing if promises get broken.

I was then passed back to the GM again. I posted a thread on chat about whether DD was happy at Nursery last week, and in the follow up said they were struggling to find a 1-1 to replace DDs when her current one goes on ML. Well they've found someone to do it! Apparently DDs old keyworker (from when she was in baby room) has offered to do it - she only completed her training a few weeks ago apparently and DD will be the first DC she'll have worked with 1-1. GM said I didn't have to let the former KW do it if I wanted someone with more experience but I think it's a win-win situation really; former KW wants to do it, has the training and needs the experience and DD knows her, in fact the former KW often says when she sees me going into and out of the building she misses DD and wishes she could work with her again plus her own sons moved from Toddlers to Preschool so she can move into the Toddler room now. so I've agreed to let the KW go ahead and be DDs 1-1. DD will be so happy to see her again when she goes back to Nursery on Tuesday -she's been ill so not been in this week - and I know KW will be pleased too.

Rung the Housing Office as well during DDs nap. I should apparently get the full HB rate of £110 so they're looking into why I only get £90 and have upped my HB so I'll be £20 better off at least. I can't get the full £150 paid as DD is only on lower rate DLA but they've told me to call back if/when she gets middle rate DLA and they'll update my claim to pay the full £150. So there's at least a bit of leeway in the budget.

Housing tried to put me through to the Council Tax office why are they two separate departments? but I was on hold for 45 minutes and then DD woke up, and trying to make a phonecall when my 2 year old is around is just not worth it unless it's too my mum who can handle her grabbing the phone off me. So I'll try them during tomorrows nap.

Plan for tomorrow is: to finally get to the food bank - it's only open Tuesday and Friday - DD can't go to Nursery due to their 48 hour rule but has been d+v free since 10pm last night so not sure if I can risk taking her to the FB or not? If I can't go then I can't, HV said she can give me another referral slip if needs be. Also need to try and ring the Housing Association and see what I need to do to get STBEXHs name removed from the tenancy because until I do he has a claim on the house according to the person I spoke to in housing today - just hope he doesn't know this.

Great news and hopefully more good news from council tax people

How is DD - is she over the bug? I would say if she's fine tonight I would go - you don't have to stay and interact if you don't want to anyway (this time)