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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think I've messed up badly?

409 replies

PeppaPigObsession · 08/07/2017 09:45

I'm 25 and have a 2 year old DD. 2 weeks ago my husband walked out on us.

He's quit his job and refusing to claim benefits so no maintenance. And I'm just not sure how I'm going to cope.

My DD has a Global Developmental Delay, Hip Dysplasia, Squint, Hearing Problems and is Asthmatic. She gets lower rate DLA, and because of that she isn't entitled to the mobility element, she'll be eligible for that when she's 3.5 apparently. So £22 a week DLA.

I'll get income support of £73.10 a week and Child Tax Credits of £64 a week. So with Child Benefit of £20.70 a week I have an income of £179.80.

Rent is covered by housing benefit but because I'm on my own and under 35 and the place is adapted for DDs needs I only get the first £90 a week paid. My rent is £150 a week without HB.

Water rates are £15 a week and I top Gas and Electric up between £10 and £20 a week each depending on how much it's used. So for ease £15 a week each.

I don't drive but DD has an appointment in the next town in hospital at least once per week. Tickets are £6.50 return. I do claim them back from the NHS but it can take up to 8 weeks to get the money back.

Part of my tenancy agreement with the Housing Association is I have to have Contents Insurance Policy so I can't cancel that.

I shop in Aldi or Morrisons MIL works for the latter and gave me her discount card Wink but I still seem to spend £45 a week on both me and DD H never ate what we did so that's not changed much that includes 16 pints of milk as DD drinks 2 9oz bottles of it a day (so nearly a pint a day, a 4 pint bottle is £1.05 I'm quite short and not strong so I buy them in 4 pint bottles) plus I like DD to have porridge for breakfast which I have with her. I also like tea! We buy 2 loaves of bread a week, and DD has to have a banana every night before she goes to bed (it's been the routine since she was 6 months old and she won't go to bed until she's had her banana). So that's £5.55 before I've even bought any meals. Happy to have any ideas how to make it cheaper. Aldi and Morrisons are the only ones in my town, but DM will take me to Tesco or Asda on a Saturday.

Thankfully my DM has bought me a prepay card for my prescriptions, as I'm asthmatic and have hayfever myself.

I do have a cat, but I don't want to have to get rid of her unless I have to as she keeps me company once DD is in bed at night and she also sleeps in DDs room and comes to get me if DD has a problem.

As of September DD will no longer be going to Nursery as my granddad is stopping the £30 a week her gives me to cover it when her free hours kick in this was always the agreement as he has 8 grandchildren and I'm the only one he helps in such a way so he says it's not fair, I tried to speak to Nursery about it but they expect you to use them for at least 2 days which is 22 hours they're open, you use 15 hours of those and pay for the remaining 7 plus meals so it'll cost me £30 a week to send her to Nursery for 2 days which I don't feel I can afford. She currently gets Emerging Needs Funding but that stops at age 2 because most children are either then getting free hours due to DLA or are fixed. Her DLA rate isn't high enough to get any extra funding for the Nursery. So she'll lose her Nursery place and will suffer for it. I'm looking round to try and find another Nursery for her to go to but so far no where has places or will take her due to her SEN and not having the funding to meet her needs.

DD also needs to go swimming at least once a fortnight to strengthen her hips or help them realign if they've dislocated again. The cost is currently covered by Nursery but if she loses her place I'll have to find the cost of that.

So my weekly spend looks like this:
Rent £60
Water £15
Gas £15
Electric £15
Bus Ticket £6.50
TV License £3.06
Home Insurance £5.50
Nappies (bought monthly) £2.50
Food and Toiletries £45
Cat food £2.35
Cat Litter (bought monthly) £1
Swimming (paid on a pay as you go basis) £4.50

That leaves me with around £5 a week, if I'm lucky because DD might need to go to another hospital appointment or something a week. So that means one toddler group a week too, as they're at least £4 a time here maybe, none at all. I'm looking in to free ones but most children go to Nursery aged 2 where I live so the free ones stop at around that age Sad

What the hell am I going to do with DD? She already struggles with boredom on the 4 in 7 she's home. How do I manage when she's home 7 in 7?

I feel so awful for her. Had i waited to have she was a contraception failure then maybe H wouldn't have left us. Maybe I'd have been able to work and we'd be better off, I don't know Sad.

I've messed up so badly, and I don't know how we're going to manage at all. I feel like a slowly sinking ship and it's only a matter of time until she's taken off me by social cuz I can't cope.

OP posts:
JamesBlonde1 · 13/07/2017 18:45

I wonder what your husband would do, and his host family, if you took her to their house, told him you can't afford to keep her at present, that you'll be back for her once you've sorted yourself out, to afford her stability? Could be weeks or months.

I'd love to see his face, the irresponsible idiot. He wouldn't be banking on that would he? Oh no. He likes to just walk away and be looked after like a lazy bastard.

Or the other option is to take her there each weekend and say he can fund her for the weekend as you're struggling.

But seriously, go to the Citizens Advice Bureau as a start and see what's what.

RudeDog · 13/07/2017 18:46

I've just re- read - 2 clear nights seems good to me

Summerswallow · 13/07/2017 19:03

This is SUCH good news about the nursery, they sound like they are going out of their way to make sure there is continuity of care and also good links with the HV, this is all excellent!

Also, £20 a week off housing benefit is £20 a week, I do think you will be reassessed as middle DLA hopefully in the medium term and that will make things easier, but this is better for the time being- small victories are just that!

Food bank- hope you can get there.

You have so much about you and you are doing so well in what must be a very difficult emotional situation (don't let the idiot back in a moment of weakness, please, you can do this). In a few years time, I predict you will be an asset in the workplace as well as a great mum to your dd. Keep on keeping on!

PeppaPigObsession · 13/07/2017 19:03

JamesBlonde I'd do that if I was 100% certain that it wouldn't back fire i.e. due to his "anger issues" he'd lose his temper and potentially upset DD which isn't fair to her, plus she's non verbal mostly so couldn't tell me what had happened. But I'd love to see his face too, he's on her birth certificate so legally and technically I could do it!

OP posts:
Notevilstepmother · 13/07/2017 19:26

You are amazing, well done. I hope that they back pay your rent mistake.

JuicyNectarine · 13/07/2017 19:39

Well done, get nursery to confirm in writing if it makes you feel more secure, ask for a copy of the minutes of the meeting please (they will have to do that presumably?). Can you email or go into the council tax office? The phone systems are usually designed to put people off but persevere!

JuicyNectarine · 13/07/2017 19:41

Do you have a birthday coming up? Can you ask everyone you know to chip in and get you a bus pass as a birthday/christmas present?

PeppaPigObsession · 13/07/2017 19:43

Juicy My birthday was just before DDs. Might ask for driving lessons instead, as I can always borrow my mums/brothers car if needs be.

OP posts:
vickibee · 13/07/2017 19:47

Apply to family fund they provide treats for disabled kids, I think you can claim for swimming lessons etc. You would definitely be eligible
Can you claim cares allowance?

PeppaPigObsession · 13/07/2017 19:48

Vicki No carers allowance until she gets Middle Rate DLA

OP posts:
TwoBlueFish · 13/07/2017 20:03

Sounds like you're really pulled my everything together, really glad the nursery and HV are giving you support.

DeadGood · 15/07/2017 20:50

This is all great news OP. I am so happy you spoke to nursery. It would have been such a shame for everyone if she had to stop attending.

Did you make it to the food bank?

PeppaPigObsession · 15/07/2017 21:17

Dead unfortunately not, I have come down with this vomiting bug DDs had. I'm a lot better today which was a good job really as I'd run out of cat food, but still feeling tired. DDs been very good though and obviously still not 100% herself as she went to bed at 5.30pm

OP posts:
JimmysMum1988 · 15/07/2017 21:27

Defo try the food bank if you are struggling!! That's what they are there for! Also call crisis line and they can help with nappies

AnathemaPulsifer · 15/07/2017 23:09

I think you can trust the nursery. I was going to come on and say that they're really not allowed to charge top ups for the 30 hours unless they're 100% optional and so I don't think they'd want you mentioning to anyone official that you've had to withdraw your SN daughter from nursery because you "can't afford the top-ups". Plus they sound lovely.

I agree with the PP who said to ditch your TV license and watch YouTube.

Hope you feel better soon!

MaryLennoxsScowl · 16/07/2017 00:57

What are your PILs' financial circs? If they're not on the breadline themselves, I'd make sure they know that their son's actions have left their grandchild in the lurch. They're obviously on your side anyway so might struggle to say no to short term help towards swimming or playgroups - something tangible. Their principles are all very well but they clearly haven't managed to instil them in their son, and there's no harm in asking!
What's your degree and what did you do before you got pregnant? Someone here may be able to advise on getting back into it part time as it sounds like you're going to manage to get nursery hours. Or could you do cleaning or pet sitting in the short term?
Can you ebay any outgrown baby things? Or anything of STBXH's he's left behind?
If DD has difficulty with words then singing and reading is ideal for helping with her development and is fun and keeps her entertained and you can do it free with the library. I'm in Scotland where we have Bookbug - free books for kids - and there's special provision for children with additional needs. The English equivalent is called Bookstart, you could contact them to ask if they do outreach with children with additional needs in your area. Also, the Bookbug website has free nursery rhymes you can play for DD online (you singing to her will help - research shows children tune in to singing better than speaking and especially to their parents singing over other people) and lots of info about how reading and singing has helped completely non-verbal children: www.scottishbooktrust.com/bookbug (yes, I work with them - but I think it might be useful as you did ask about free activities!)

MaryLennoxsScowl · 16/07/2017 01:05

i should have said that extra support from Book Trust wouldn't be financial, I expect, but would be likely to be private baby groups aimed at children in need of extra support and possibly free books.

thequeenoftarts · 16/07/2017 04:17

I have read this thread with increasing anger for the OP and her little one.To think that a rotten 20 pounds a week would make such a difference to her life is beyond heartbreaking. It just shows the state of society we live in when a man can just walk away from his responsibilities, his child, his partner, and live rent and food free while possibly working cash in hand...My heart breaks for you and I think you are a wonderful Mum and your little girl is very lucky to have you fighting her corner. You should be incredibly proud of yourself for all you do xx

PeppaPigObsession · 18/07/2017 20:13

Right update.

Council Tax: Apparently they don't offer a mid year refund, so I can either have the money in March or knock it off next years bill Sad and I'll only get the discount from the 1st August onwards because H left mid month Hmm

Food Bank: Walked all the way there after dropping DD in Nursery, but saw a neighbour of mine volunteering and backed out as I was worried what she'd think.

I spoke to my GPs over the weekend. GDad is happy to pay for DDs meals at Nursery as long as it doesn't cost more than £20 a week, meas are £1.50 each for a hot meal at lunchtime, and 80p for a snacky type tea (so crumpets or cheese on toast). Breakfast is 50p but maybe covered by funding we're not sure yet. But the meals are good quality and made by a trained cook, who's also a mother herself, from scratch so I'd quite like DD to keep having them so I'll need about £10 a week off my GDad for that. Grandpa is going to buy her a Nursery uniform x2 so her clothes last longer. The nursery have an agreement with the person who makes them where once they outgrow the size they're in you swap it for a size bigger for a smaller cost than buying a whole new size. Tshirts are £10 Jumpers are £12 but both have the childs name printed in the back collar so if they get mislaid for whatever reason they get put on the correct peg/in the correct childs bag.

PILs refuse to help. Even with a breakdown of my budget it was "She's not our financial responsibility". They are going to have her every other weekend, but want me to provide 2 days (saturday and sunday) worth of food for her but it's ok "if we take her out we'll pay her entrance fee" most places locally are free for under 3s Hmm so not sure if I'm going to take them up on the offer. My DM has said on their weekends with DD I can go and stay with her, I'll share her bed with her (my DBro is on the sofa until he goes back to University in October) and she'll pay for all my meals and even do a load of washing for me while I'm there, so might be worth it for the money I'd save in electric and food for the time I'm there.

OP posts:
40andFat · 18/07/2017 20:30

All positive take the PILs up on their offer I bet once she's with them she will melt their hearts and they'll start helping you more and more. Also you need the respite go stay with your mum for the company if nothing else.
Go back to the food bank if your neighbour is so kind that she volunteers there I doubt she'll be the sort to judge and she may even want to help you Smile

Wallywobbles · 18/07/2017 21:00

I think the neighbour volunteer might be a blessing in disguise. You are an astonishingly competent person managing poverty with dignity and no debt. I'm in awe of your capacity to not give up or go into debt. Take everyone up on their offers at least for a while. Do a month or two and see how you feel.

guinnessguzzler · 18/07/2017 21:13

Great news! I've been lurking and am so pleased to see things going better for you, just what you and your DD deserve.

Agree with others, your neighbour surely is volunteering because she wants to help people who are going through a tough patch. Maybe she has even been there herself? I'm sure she wouldn't want you losing out on support from the food bank just because she is involved. I imagine it must feel hard and I reckon I would have done the same but anything that can help you atm is good.

poweredbybread · 18/07/2017 21:13

What wallywobbles saidSmile

DeadGood · 18/07/2017 21:42

I'm amazed at your PILs attitude, and their ability to give you these sorts of replies when you are appealing to them to help.

Your Grandad is fab though - excellent work, it's all sounding positive.

I know it's easy for me to say, but you need to put the council tax thing to the back of your mind for now. The fact is you will get the money back, just not right now. You will be glad of it come March.

missadasmith · 18/07/2017 21:57

your PIL sound awful.

Your DD is a little girl with pretty complex SN. I would think hard about leaving her with pil for an entire weekend under these circumstances.

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