To think I've messed up badly?

[PeppaPigObsession]

I'm 25 and have a 2 year old DD. 2 weeks ago my husband walked out on us.

He's quit his job and refusing to claim benefits so no maintenance. And I'm just not sure how I'm going to cope.

My DD has a Global Developmental Delay, Hip Dysplasia, Squint, Hearing Problems and is Asthmatic. She gets lower rate DLA, and because of that she isn't entitled to the mobility element, she'll be eligible for that when she's 3.5 apparently. So £22 a week DLA.

I'll get income support of £73.10 a week and Child Tax Credits of £64 a week. So with Child Benefit of £20.70 a week I have an income of £179.80.

Rent is covered by housing benefit but because I'm on my own and under 35 and the place is adapted for DDs needs I only get the first £90 a week paid. My rent is £150 a week without HB.

Water rates are £15 a week and I top Gas and Electric up between £10 and £20 a week each depending on how much it's used. So for ease £15 a week each.

I don't drive but DD has an appointment in the next town in hospital at least once per week. Tickets are £6.50 return. I do claim them back from the NHS but it can take up to 8 weeks to get the money back.

Part of my tenancy agreement with the Housing Association is I have to have Contents Insurance Policy so I can't cancel that.

I shop in Aldi or Morrisons MIL works for the latter and gave me her discount card but I still seem to spend £45 a week on both me and DD H never ate what we did so that's not changed much that includes 16 pints of milk as DD drinks 2 9oz bottles of it a day (so nearly a pint a day, a 4 pint bottle is £1.05 I'm quite short and not strong so I buy them in 4 pint bottles) plus I like DD to have porridge for breakfast which I have with her. I also like tea! We buy 2 loaves of bread a week, and DD has to have a banana every night before she goes to bed (it's been the routine since she was 6 months old and she won't go to bed until she's had her banana). So that's £5.55 before I've even bought any meals. Happy to have any ideas how to make it cheaper. Aldi and Morrisons are the only ones in my town, but DM will take me to Tesco or Asda on a Saturday.

Thankfully my DM has bought me a prepay card for my prescriptions, as I'm asthmatic and have hayfever myself.

I do have a cat, but I don't want to have to get rid of her unless I have to as she keeps me company once DD is in bed at night and she also sleeps in DDs room and comes to get me if DD has a problem.

As of September DD will no longer be going to Nursery as my granddad is stopping the £30 a week her gives me to cover it when her free hours kick in this was always the agreement as he has 8 grandchildren and I'm the only one he helps in such a way so he says it's not fair, I tried to speak to Nursery about it but they expect you to use them for at least 2 days which is 22 hours they're open, you use 15 hours of those and pay for the remaining 7 plus meals so it'll cost me £30 a week to send her to Nursery for 2 days which I don't feel I can afford. She currently gets Emerging Needs Funding but that stops at age 2 because most children are either then getting free hours due to DLA or are fixed. Her DLA rate isn't high enough to get any extra funding for the Nursery. So she'll lose her Nursery place and will suffer for it. I'm looking round to try and find another Nursery for her to go to but so far no where has places or will take her due to her SEN and not having the funding to meet her needs.

DD also needs to go swimming at least once a fortnight to strengthen her hips or help them realign if they've dislocated again. The cost is currently covered by Nursery but if she loses her place I'll have to find the cost of that.

So my weekly spend looks like this:
Rent £60
Water £15
Gas £15
Electric £15
Bus Ticket £6.50
TV License £3.06
Home Insurance £5.50
Nappies (bought monthly) £2.50
Food and Toiletries £45
Cat food £2.35
Cat Litter (bought monthly) £1
Swimming (paid on a pay as you go basis) £4.50

That leaves me with around £5 a week, if I'm lucky because DD might need to go to another hospital appointment or something a week. So that means one toddler group a week too, as they're at least £4 a time here maybe, none at all. I'm looking in to free ones but most children go to Nursery aged 2 where I live so the free ones stop at around that age

What the hell am I going to do with DD? She already struggles with boredom on the 4 in 7 she's home. How do I manage when she's home 7 in 7?

I feel so awful for her. Had i waited to have she was a contraception failure then maybe H wouldn't have left us. Maybe I'd have been able to work and we'd be better off, I don't know .

I've messed up so badly, and I don't know how we're going to manage at all. I feel like a slowly sinking ship and it's only a matter of time until she's taken off me by social cuz I can't cope.

I'm pretty sure you get the Disabled child element on all levels of DLA, but not carers. I would check that HMRC know your child is receiving low rate DLA.

Not much help but I didn't think that nursery could insist on extra hours as a condition of taking funded children, worth querying at least. Give your local early years team a call to check.

Wow op you're getting lots of brilliant suggestions here. I hope you're making a massive list of people to call and questions to ask.
It's so soul destroying going through all this but hopefully you'll end up being a bit better off.

Glen When I chatted to them about it the problem they have is they can't offer the free hours if they don't ask for more on top particularly since the 30 hours was introduced. They're hourly fee is something like £4.75 and the lea only pay £3.35 or something like that can't remember exact figure so they're missing out on a lot of money so they ask you to "top up" the childs hours to cover the loss in fees.

Ring the contact a family helpline linked earlier asap.

I cannot find anything online that states additional tax credit for a disabled child is restricted to middle care or above, although that is the case for carer's allowance.

Forgot to mention that you can apply to charities for various grants when you have a child who is disabled.

The Family Fund is a big one:
www.familyfund.org.uk/FAQs/our-disability-criteria

Run our figures through the entitledto website too.

Please check if home start exists in your area too - you need a hand

Op this no top up thing isn't allowed - as others have said you need to challenge this

Queen Health Visitor has already referred me to Homestart a few weeks ago, maybe a month or so, but I had a letter saying that they had no available volunteers so they'd get back to me in 7-8 weeks.

JS other - You are correct. Looking at the figures for op's tax credits she is not getting the disabled child element and she should be. I think this is worth about another £60 a week. Op you need to look into this.

Cerebra was mentioned up thread :
w3.cerebra.org.uk/

They have a helpline, etc.
They also have a toy lending library which is free:
w3.cerebra.org.uk/help-and-information/library/

Im quite sure you still would get extra tax credits for any level of dla, its only the highest level of tge care component of dla you get even more (low and middle are tge same).
Also I would strat to apply for an ehcp (new form of a statement) which you can do now (dont need the nursery but would be helpful if they did it with you) that will enable funding for your dd.

Sorry about the typos!

Just to say that you sound like a really good mum. I would ask your hv tomorrow about the milk, perhaps food bank (as it would take the pressure off for a week or two) and perhaps given their advice re toilet training whether nappies would be available.

Don't beat yourself up about the pushchair/road thing. We've all been there.

With the funded hours at nursery, they aren't allowed to charge a top up but they can charge for food, extra hours and nappies etc. A lot of private nurseries are making people take the hours in blocks so that they get at least some paid hours from it. Where I am some of the voluntary run playgroups are offering more flexibility so it might be worth checking out ones attached to schools or in children's centres.

I would send a list of outgoings and income to your parents, his parents and all grandparents and ask for help. For eg perhaps they'd be willing to pay for a group or swimming or something. Lay it out in a non emotive way. Explain the problem and what you've done to try and solve it. It won't do any harm. It's horrible to be where you are but honestly there's no shame in asking.

Thanks I will definitely ask about the funded hours on Tuesday during the meeting, it's a private Nursery that's open 7.30-6 so hoping they might have some flexibility.

I'm struggling to find another Nursery or CM that will take her due to her Extra Needs, because she's lower rate DLA she gets no extra funding to help her - so she'd have no 1-1 when they do physical activities, no help with communication, no swimming lessons, and understandably a Nursery won't take her on without the extra funding when they don't know her. CMs round here seem to either be at their SN capacity or don't want to take her on, which is the problem with CMs they can choose their customers.

Wally Should of made it clear in OP, I have no contact with my father. Not spoken to him in 7 years almost now, and I'm not going on the beg to him, he's not worth it. My DM can't help. She's living at the edge of her budget as it is trust me I've seen it and I think that's why she's a bit upset my granddad gives me money because she's struggling so much.

I'll also explain there is 3 GPs involved in this. My Grandmother (my mums mum - Grandma) and her husband they've been married near enough my whole life so he's grandpa and my granddad (my mums dad). It's my Granddad who gives me money each week. I don't want to feel like it's any of my grandparents problems, particularly my grandpa as I'm not technically his granddaughter (he has no children of his own though). Although of course I will show them everything and explain.

PILs have always said unless it's inheritance which they'll share or as a christmas or birthday present then their GCs are their DCs financial responsibilities, so I'm doubtful they'll help me but I will try. DD is their only grandchild currently suspect SIL is pregnant so you never know.

Al Definitely going to talk to HV about the situation, she's not aware H has left yet. She's been really supportive in the past so I'm sure she'll do everything in her power to help.

Sorry not to be helpful. Really hope some of the other suggestions are more use. You are fantastic.

If your dd had a recognised disability she has the right to be assessed for support from the children's disability team - part of social services. Do you have a named worker - or portage services? I think you need a visit from someone really clued up about entitlements and supper locally to go through it with you.

You sound like an amazing mum who is trying her best x

I don't have much practical advice, but wanted to say that you haven't messed up at all - you are breaking down your budget, facing things head on and seeking advice. You're doing all the right things and you sound like a great mum. I don't think I would cope half as well - I have a huge amount of respect for you. I'm sorry things are tight right now - really hope the situation improves.

Oh your husband is a shitbag and no mistake!

I know you're struggling now OP, but please take some comfort from the fact you're doing everything you can, exactly the right thing for your daughter.

You mentioned worries about your husband taking you to court for access - please don't worry about this. For a start, he'd have to pay for it, and there's no court in the land that will award him anything other than the minimum of contact after his behaviour.

I don't have any further advice for you OP, but just to say that you sound like an amazingly resourceful and level headed individual and your DD is so lucky to have you.

Your DH on the other hand is a disgrace.

Your HA should have someone who can look at your HB claim. It really doesn't sound right so no harm in asking them to have another look.

Definitely ring the water company OP, we only paid about £25 per month for 2 adults and a 2 year old on a meter, so that should save you a fair amount. And claim back the council tax, you shouldn't be paying much at all now so if you've paid up front you should be able to claim it back from the date you started getting income support.

As for cheap/free activities to keep your DD occupied, definitely see what's going on at the library, we used to go to rhymetime (singing and musical instruments) which was free. Garden centres sometimes have play areas for free, we also used to go to a children's charity shop which had a little play area. It's a shame you don't have a children's centre near you, but I picked up various sensory type activities there to do at home (and from my sister who used to be a teaching assistant, I was pretty clueless about these things myself!) - play with rice, make your own playdoh (you can find recipes on the internet), mud pies, water play (outside if you have space or in the bath), collect leaves and stick them on paper, cut up magazines and sticking, chalks for drawing outside (got loads from Tesco for £1), cheap paints (my DD likes to take her clothes off and pain herself mostly!) etc. Have you thought about learn to sign? We went to a class but you can learn yourself from YouTube and teaching is basically showing objects and making the sign, and try to do the signs whenever you are saying things (eg sign for milk when you give it to her). I found it interesting to learn for myself as well as enabling DD to communicate better before she could talk.

Good luck, you haven't messed up at all, you sound like a great mum.