To think I've messed up badly?

[PeppaPigObsession]

I'm 25 and have a 2 year old DD. 2 weeks ago my husband walked out on us.

He's quit his job and refusing to claim benefits so no maintenance. And I'm just not sure how I'm going to cope.

My DD has a Global Developmental Delay, Hip Dysplasia, Squint, Hearing Problems and is Asthmatic. She gets lower rate DLA, and because of that she isn't entitled to the mobility element, she'll be eligible for that when she's 3.5 apparently. So £22 a week DLA.

I'll get income support of £73.10 a week and Child Tax Credits of £64 a week. So with Child Benefit of £20.70 a week I have an income of £179.80.

Rent is covered by housing benefit but because I'm on my own and under 35 and the place is adapted for DDs needs I only get the first £90 a week paid. My rent is £150 a week without HB.

Water rates are £15 a week and I top Gas and Electric up between £10 and £20 a week each depending on how much it's used. So for ease £15 a week each.

I don't drive but DD has an appointment in the next town in hospital at least once per week. Tickets are £6.50 return. I do claim them back from the NHS but it can take up to 8 weeks to get the money back.

Part of my tenancy agreement with the Housing Association is I have to have Contents Insurance Policy so I can't cancel that.

I shop in Aldi or Morrisons MIL works for the latter and gave me her discount card but I still seem to spend £45 a week on both me and DD H never ate what we did so that's not changed much that includes 16 pints of milk as DD drinks 2 9oz bottles of it a day (so nearly a pint a day, a 4 pint bottle is £1.05 I'm quite short and not strong so I buy them in 4 pint bottles) plus I like DD to have porridge for breakfast which I have with her. I also like tea! We buy 2 loaves of bread a week, and DD has to have a banana every night before she goes to bed (it's been the routine since she was 6 months old and she won't go to bed until she's had her banana). So that's £5.55 before I've even bought any meals. Happy to have any ideas how to make it cheaper. Aldi and Morrisons are the only ones in my town, but DM will take me to Tesco or Asda on a Saturday.

Thankfully my DM has bought me a prepay card for my prescriptions, as I'm asthmatic and have hayfever myself.

I do have a cat, but I don't want to have to get rid of her unless I have to as she keeps me company once DD is in bed at night and she also sleeps in DDs room and comes to get me if DD has a problem.

As of September DD will no longer be going to Nursery as my granddad is stopping the £30 a week her gives me to cover it when her free hours kick in this was always the agreement as he has 8 grandchildren and I'm the only one he helps in such a way so he says it's not fair, I tried to speak to Nursery about it but they expect you to use them for at least 2 days which is 22 hours they're open, you use 15 hours of those and pay for the remaining 7 plus meals so it'll cost me £30 a week to send her to Nursery for 2 days which I don't feel I can afford. She currently gets Emerging Needs Funding but that stops at age 2 because most children are either then getting free hours due to DLA or are fixed. Her DLA rate isn't high enough to get any extra funding for the Nursery. So she'll lose her Nursery place and will suffer for it. I'm looking round to try and find another Nursery for her to go to but so far no where has places or will take her due to her SEN and not having the funding to meet her needs.

DD also needs to go swimming at least once a fortnight to strengthen her hips or help them realign if they've dislocated again. The cost is currently covered by Nursery but if she loses her place I'll have to find the cost of that.

So my weekly spend looks like this:
Rent £60
Water £15
Gas £15
Electric £15
Bus Ticket £6.50
TV License £3.06
Home Insurance £5.50
Nappies (bought monthly) £2.50
Food and Toiletries £45
Cat food £2.35
Cat Litter (bought monthly) £1
Swimming (paid on a pay as you go basis) £4.50

That leaves me with around £5 a week, if I'm lucky because DD might need to go to another hospital appointment or something a week. So that means one toddler group a week too, as they're at least £4 a time here maybe, none at all. I'm looking in to free ones but most children go to Nursery aged 2 where I live so the free ones stop at around that age

What the hell am I going to do with DD? She already struggles with boredom on the 4 in 7 she's home. How do I manage when she's home 7 in 7?

I feel so awful for her. Had i waited to have she was a contraception failure then maybe H wouldn't have left us. Maybe I'd have been able to work and we'd be better off, I don't know .

I've messed up so badly, and I don't know how we're going to manage at all. I feel like a slowly sinking ship and it's only a matter of time until she's taken off me by social cuz I can't cope.

Can you check if you can get a GP referral for the swimming? In my area some can get free access. Not a lot but every little helps!

Why do you only get £90 HB? If you're in a HA property there's no LHA and you shouldn't be affected by the benefit cap.

You sound like a fantastic mum and like you have everything really well thought out. But can't you just go back to live with your mum. Just for now until say your DD is at nursery full time it school. I know your mum works FT but when U split with my partner and I had my little one we slept on her setee/floor for 6 months. But 6 months was all it took with her support I became stronger and more able to see the wood for the trees so to speak. My baby was 6 months at that point had Global developmental delay a cortical visual impairment, speech and language disorder and many other issues too. Just having her support was invaluable. Eventually I got sorted and things got better but I was a single mum for over 6 years and financially it was a struggle fast forward 15 years and I have a new partner 2 more kids and my 15 year old is a strapping lad who has his difficulties yes but I wouldn't change him for the world. The reason I'm telling you this is that in the depths of that horrible time I thought I couldn't do it but I could and so can you. But lean on whoever you can and take any support you can it won't be forever

Hi again everyone, thank you all for the suggestions and replies.

Pananny Sorry I didn't reply to your question, we're not sure if DD will go to an SEN school, her Nursery work with one. I've been told they need to see how she is in 6-8 months time to make that decision at the moment it's no rush because she's only tiny.

The SEN school is 20 miles away and I don't drive so using there facilities while ideal to get DD used to her potential school is a bit unrealistic atm.

40 While I know my mum would happily take me back she lives in a tiny 1 bed flat with my brother already sleeping on the sofa while his university are closed for Summer.

Ilove Not sure why I'm limited to only £90. When I started to arrange it the lady on the phone said something about the benefit cap but I'm nowhere near the cap as far as I know so I'll have to look into that.

Been looking at meal ideas, going to see if I can have my DMs slow cooker as I think that'll help with batch cooking. DD doesn't eat much at all - some days she lives off half a slice of toast, so a 3 person meal will easily last 2 possibly 3 days for both of us.

Italian I love you, I've lurked over on Adoptions and also seen your replies here and really respect you and your advise so thank you my brother is younger than me and very much babied by my mum despite him being a 23 year old man! He thankfully doesn't have any children of his own.

what you need to find out re housing benefit is - do they mean the benefit cap (max £250 per week in benefits, this would affect you if your benefits were this much and your rent contributions would be cut accordingly)
Or the single room restriction that does apply to under 35s in private rental but NOT to parents or people in housing association.
As far as I can tell there is no good reason for your rent contribution to be limited to £90 and that seems like an error to me.

OP Your resourcefulness and articulate nature shines through. My advice is as follows (mixture of practical and other!):

1. Keep pushing on all fronts. It may seem so tiring, and you have already asked for help from HV and so on, but keep on keeping on and something will give that makes your situation easier- I think like others your housing benefit cap is wrong and that could be changed (approach MP if no joy directly), but also ask HV again about food banks/Surestart, your dd will get older so will perhaps fall into other DLA categories, ask for reassessment (I'm so mad for you that she is on lower rate but this is also my experience lately, that it is very very hard to qualify in a way that it wasn't even a year ago, and this is only going to get worse). If you push on all fronts, something will give,
2. You can definitely get a Council Tax rebate, they can recalculate on the phone and you can definitely get a rebate on the prepayment card as well, I've done both of these, and this money could then be used to pay for nursery perhaps?
3. Ask nursery if they would accept payment down the line and get money as above!
4. Ultimately, you are a carer and that's a job in itself, but you are also a very bright person and I think some job opportunities may open up for you once you have your benefits/stability sorted for now- keep your eyes open, for things such as online tutoring/exam marking- people on here also do a form of online betting that I can't remember the name of, but that can make a few thousand a year from home, also online surveys. Anything you can do from home whilst your dd is at nursery would work for you for the time being.
5. Food banks is the obvious place to start, as is free milk vouchers. I'm guessing your dd prefers milk to food from what you have said (!), so see if you can get that started in the next week as that's a very practical and tangible thing you can fix from day one.

You should be eligible for carers allowance as your dd receives DLA. That's an extra £60 a week. I'm surprised she receives the lower element for DLA rather than the medium element. Contact Mencap who have benefits advisers who are trained to help you access what you're entitled to.

www.mencap.org.uk/?q=homepage

OP if you get DLA, you're no longer affected by the benefit cap. You need to tell housing benefit. They may be able to backdate any money they owe you of this is their mistake.

Also, any carers allowance you receive is taken out of your income support, so financially it doesn't make much difference, but it means the job centre don't need to see you as much for interviews.

I think your low life ex asside your issues stem from your child needing a greater amount of care than the government is willing to admit.

You are extremely articulate and organised i think you should contact your local MP with all this information and ask for help with getting your daughter reevaluted. Its not right that she's not considered immobile because at 2 she can crawl!

Im really sorry this is happeneing to you, please reach out to your MP.

Really think you should cancel the TV License OP. It's a worthwhile payment to make but you can't afford it right now. Your daughter can watch Peppa on YouTube.
Also, your milk usage is high - porridge is an excellent breakfast food but if you don't already, start making it with water then add a dash of milk once it's in the bowl. Oats are naturally creamy (that's why you can buy non-dairy oat "milk"), it's much less cloying when made with water.
And finally I saw on your other thread that you were putting money aside for your daughter. If that is still happening, I would stop it now. I really think that children's savings accounts aren't the best way to secure their futures. You'd be so much better off putting that money towards keeping her in nursery. Even the licence fee saving would keep her in there for an extra month or more (based on it costing you £30/week).
That nursery place is necessary for both of you.

Was it an actual appeal you went through or was it a mandatory reconsideration? some CABs can help with court representation for appeals
Go and see them, if nothing else they will check you are getting everything you are entitled to and help you apply

If dd has regular appointments could you access nhs or community transport rather than pay for the bus?

You need to speak you your local children's centre about discretionary grants.

Secondly you need to explore other nurseries that will let you just claim the free hours - usually the pre schools attached to schools

A few people have said that OP is entitled to carers allowance. Unfourtunately she's not, the person you care for must receive medium rate care at a minimum and OP's daughter gets low rate care.

You definitely need to get help and get the dla upped. Your child's needs do not sound consistent with low rate. My local council has a benefits advisor but if not places like cerebra or welfare rights will help you, hopefully you have copies of all the evidence you sent?

From MR DLA you would get more help with HB, a premium on CTC and could get carers allowance, all of which could help keep your child at Nursery.

www.healthystart.nhs.uk/

Here's the link to get the vouchers for milk, fruit and veg @peppapigobsession

All the posters suggesting the DLA is appealed again don't seem to realise that the DWP expects a 2 year old to have high needs/help/ support and this is why the award is for low rate.

Went to Aldi today, just to have a proper look as I've always favoured Morrisons.

Did ok, spent £25 on my usual shop but couldn't get everything will need to pop to Morrisons for Sausages (Aldi didn't have any left, apparently their delivery comes in on a Monday morning, so I'll remember that and adjust my weekly shop accordingly) and I wasn't happy with the fruit so I'll get that from Morrisons too, but did manage to get most things including Nappies - Nursery use Aldi nappies as spares when the parents own supplied runs out and they seem quite good so bought a pack to try - I've struggled with finding 6+ nappies to fit DD so we'll see, they're cheaper than Morrisons/Tesco/Asda Nappies too so it is positive. Also picked up some treats for DD which I can't usually afford as I've spent so much on meals - some crisps, a couple of chocolate bars, and a Peppa Pig doll thing she saw and wouldn't put down.

Still feel like I can't cope after she threw herself out of the pushchair in the middle of the busy dual carriageway while we were crossing the road coming home. Pushchair toppled due to being overloaded at the back and the seat being empty and I panicked - left the pushchair in the road and chased DD. Thankfully she can't run due to her hips, and a lovely lady crossing the road picked my pushchair up along with my stray shopping and bought it too me. Ended up just screaming at DD I told her it was very silly to try and get out of the pushchair when we're crossing the road and she scared me. DD just laughed at me so I took the Peppa toy off her. Felt so bad and like an embarrassment in front of a complete stranger. Feel like I can never show my face in Aldi again. But DD did stay in her pushchair for the rest of the way home, and came and gave me a hug her way of saying sorry when I was sat crying about it. I don't often shout, in fact I can remember the last time it happened because it happens so infrequently (just before her 1st birthday was the last time).

But I'm pulling myself together and getting the house tidy as we have the Pediatrician and Health Visitor coming over in the morning for a review who knew a 2 year old needed so many clothes .

data that's exactly what the HV said about the DLA that a 2 year old is expected to need help getting dressed, having a bath, getting into and out of bed, and need near constant supervision so it's hard to assess where a normal 2 year old ends and one with Extra Needs/SN starts in cases like DDs.

There's so much good advice here, I just wanted to suggest church toddler groups, (there will be a list for your local area on netmums (sorry)). They may advertise fees but may well reduce on a quiet word, the ones near me would, not that much god I promise, libraries also have free under 5 reading sessions or similar. You sound fab btw

Your tax credits don't sound right, are you sure you are getting the disability premium added on top ? I think you should give them a ring and check you are getting it, as you should get it with all levels of DLA.

Babyroobs you don't get anything extra on low rate, no TC or extra HB or CA.

Data true enough but 2 year olds don't have necessary 24/7 care to prevent dislocation or breathing difficulties for e.g. (Not knowing the OPs LO can't be specific).

Prescriptions will be free because you are on income support

You are also intitled to healthy start vouchers which will cover your milk fruit and vegetables

Op- do tax credits know your child gets DLA ?