To think I've messed up badly?

[PeppaPigObsession]

I'm 25 and have a 2 year old DD. 2 weeks ago my husband walked out on us.

He's quit his job and refusing to claim benefits so no maintenance. And I'm just not sure how I'm going to cope.

My DD has a Global Developmental Delay, Hip Dysplasia, Squint, Hearing Problems and is Asthmatic. She gets lower rate DLA, and because of that she isn't entitled to the mobility element, she'll be eligible for that when she's 3.5 apparently. So £22 a week DLA.

I'll get income support of £73.10 a week and Child Tax Credits of £64 a week. So with Child Benefit of £20.70 a week I have an income of £179.80.

Rent is covered by housing benefit but because I'm on my own and under 35 and the place is adapted for DDs needs I only get the first £90 a week paid. My rent is £150 a week without HB.

Water rates are £15 a week and I top Gas and Electric up between £10 and £20 a week each depending on how much it's used. So for ease £15 a week each.

I don't drive but DD has an appointment in the next town in hospital at least once per week. Tickets are £6.50 return. I do claim them back from the NHS but it can take up to 8 weeks to get the money back.

Part of my tenancy agreement with the Housing Association is I have to have Contents Insurance Policy so I can't cancel that.

I shop in Aldi or Morrisons MIL works for the latter and gave me her discount card but I still seem to spend £45 a week on both me and DD H never ate what we did so that's not changed much that includes 16 pints of milk as DD drinks 2 9oz bottles of it a day (so nearly a pint a day, a 4 pint bottle is £1.05 I'm quite short and not strong so I buy them in 4 pint bottles) plus I like DD to have porridge for breakfast which I have with her. I also like tea! We buy 2 loaves of bread a week, and DD has to have a banana every night before she goes to bed (it's been the routine since she was 6 months old and she won't go to bed until she's had her banana). So that's £5.55 before I've even bought any meals. Happy to have any ideas how to make it cheaper. Aldi and Morrisons are the only ones in my town, but DM will take me to Tesco or Asda on a Saturday.

Thankfully my DM has bought me a prepay card for my prescriptions, as I'm asthmatic and have hayfever myself.

I do have a cat, but I don't want to have to get rid of her unless I have to as she keeps me company once DD is in bed at night and she also sleeps in DDs room and comes to get me if DD has a problem.

As of September DD will no longer be going to Nursery as my granddad is stopping the £30 a week her gives me to cover it when her free hours kick in this was always the agreement as he has 8 grandchildren and I'm the only one he helps in such a way so he says it's not fair, I tried to speak to Nursery about it but they expect you to use them for at least 2 days which is 22 hours they're open, you use 15 hours of those and pay for the remaining 7 plus meals so it'll cost me £30 a week to send her to Nursery for 2 days which I don't feel I can afford. She currently gets Emerging Needs Funding but that stops at age 2 because most children are either then getting free hours due to DLA or are fixed. Her DLA rate isn't high enough to get any extra funding for the Nursery. So she'll lose her Nursery place and will suffer for it. I'm looking round to try and find another Nursery for her to go to but so far no where has places or will take her due to her SEN and not having the funding to meet her needs.

DD also needs to go swimming at least once a fortnight to strengthen her hips or help them realign if they've dislocated again. The cost is currently covered by Nursery but if she loses her place I'll have to find the cost of that.

So my weekly spend looks like this:
Rent £60
Water £15
Gas £15
Electric £15
Bus Ticket £6.50
TV License £3.06
Home Insurance £5.50
Nappies (bought monthly) £2.50
Food and Toiletries £45
Cat food £2.35
Cat Litter (bought monthly) £1
Swimming (paid on a pay as you go basis) £4.50

That leaves me with around £5 a week, if I'm lucky because DD might need to go to another hospital appointment or something a week. So that means one toddler group a week too, as they're at least £4 a time here maybe, none at all. I'm looking in to free ones but most children go to Nursery aged 2 where I live so the free ones stop at around that age

What the hell am I going to do with DD? She already struggles with boredom on the 4 in 7 she's home. How do I manage when she's home 7 in 7?

I feel so awful for her. Had i waited to have she was a contraception failure then maybe H wouldn't have left us. Maybe I'd have been able to work and we'd be better off, I don't know .

I've messed up so badly, and I don't know how we're going to manage at all. I feel like a slowly sinking ship and it's only a matter of time until she's taken off me by social cuz I can't cope.

miss That is what I'm worried about. MIL in particular has a habit of saying "oh she'll be ok" even though she's sat in with meetings with the pediatrician and her hip consultant and they know she might end up in a wheelchair.

I have a DD with complex needs and I would not leave her with anybody I don't trust 100%.

can you build it up and see how you get on by starting only with half a day at the pils rather than an entire weekend and take things from there?

miss She has been left with them before for 2-3 hours without me and has had sleepovers but I was there and did most of the care so I'm a bit suspicious what they're intentions are now, are they really trying to support me because they're son left me or are they trying to find evidence that DDs conditions aren't as bad as I make out? But then I hope them spending time with her and seeing her when she's at her worst i.e. end of the day when she's been at Nursery or first thing in the morning when she's just woke up might make them see that she's genuinely got a lot of extra needs. I do also wonder if they're just a bit in-denial, MIL has a Nephew (I'll refer to him as O) who's also 2 and MIL looks after her often and will invite him over when DDs there, and the difference between the two is both amazing and heartbreaking. You would think O was twice DDs age, but there's literally 16 days difference between them, but then I tell myself O has two older half sisters he copies and was born without any issues unlike DD.

Anyone who needs a diagnosed disability proven to them is not worth your time and certainly too ignorant to provide adequate care. Only medical specialists are in a position to evidence a medical condition.

I agree be very careful, you are not making anything out you are following a medical team's advice! Anyone who is questioning that advice is not equipped to follow a care plan and is certainly stupid enough to endanger your child.

You need carers you can trust to follow your lead, demanding all food rather than just making up a small extra portion is bizarre enough. Don't let them use your vulnerable child as a guinea pig to test their ridiculous half baked theories - you cannot take back harm once it is done.

IME small minded people like this cannot be reasoned with anyway, they will just come up with something else to justify their skewed scape goating. Like the guy I got chatting with during some building work who insisted his evil scheming ex had another child who happened to have a disability "for the money". You can't argue with stupid!

You are in a tricky position with life right now OP so this would be a good time to cut the wheat from the chaff and build on your trusted and reliable support network. Your family are doing good, the nursery and medical input sound excellent. Compare that to the joker behaviour of your PIL, who are definitely not on your team, they might come round with time but make it on your terms - they are unreliable.

Forgive me if someone else suggested it, I'm post-op and a bit wooly headed. A friend of mine was in a similar situation and found a lot of help and support from Gingerbread the charity for lone parents. They were a mine of practical and financial information and also she made friends through them. Hopefully there is a group near you: gingerbread.org.uk
Hats off to you, you're very strong and highly articulate.

you can get a rebate on council tax because of being single adult household

You can apply for free prescriptions on certain benefits check out if you meet those requirements

Reapply HB as your needs have changed so it may too esp given only one adult in the house now.

Def try Food banks

Personally I would try asking grandad or other relatives for lifts to help out with costs re hospital appts - that may feel less unfair to them etc.

Will you qualify for the 30 hrs??

Maybe relook at how you are using electricity and see what can be done to reduce that. E.g. cooking every other day and reheating the days inbetween so it uses much less energy. Having cold meals e.g. cold meat and salad with cold potatoes. Do you have any garden that could be used to grow say salad bits which can be quite expensive. A few tomato plants and lettuces - that could also be an activity for little one.

The him living with friends and for free won't last long - he needs to pay for phones, clothes, going out etc he will find something so get your application in asap.

sorry some of my ideas were a bit behind the thread

I think go for the help from in laws and see how it goes. Ridiculous they are asking you for food though have to say - but just go with the flow

I agree re volunteer at foodbank - she won't judge she wouldn't be there if she did and would be mortified you backed out of much needed help because of her.

I would also have a think about your own future and what you would like to do long term - you now have days when little one is at nursery - can you do some training in that time - online stuff or local college again on certain benefits fees are waived. And would be good to keep you entertained as well. Sounds random but I did an Art course when I was on benefits for a while - I love all that and it really kept me sane at a difficult time.

Your PILs want you to supply food for when she's staying with them? Did I read that right? Does your dd have some complex food allergies or are they just amazingly tight?

I'd think hard about taking up their offer of help, they don't sound like they would be very helpful at all. You don't need extra stress right now, just people you can really depend on to support you.

You're amazing getting so much sorted out so quickly. Don't be embarrassed about the food bank, none of this is your fault. It's just a short term thing since ex left and you'll get back on your feet. Then one day in the future you can be the volunteer. Maybe your neighbour is there because they've been in need of help themselves in the past so know how important it is

Hi everyone thank you so much for the continued support.

RB I have a garden but it's only tiny due to the adjustments made to the bungalow for it to be wheelchair accessible (so larger kitchen, wheelchair accessible bathroom etc) and once you've added in the ramp to get in and out there's basically a strip of grass that DD who's not even that tall can lay completely on. Some of the neighbours do grow stuff on there grass though so I might have ago.

I have a degree in Computing, so am looking at open uni to see if I could maybe specialise in something like Web Design or Programming my two favourite modules at Uni as then I can freelance/join my friends web design company and set my own hours around DD. I'll be sending a few emails when I get a minute to myself.

Not entitled to the 30 hours childcare until DD is 3 as helpful as it would be that'll be September next year when I'll hopefully be back on my feet.

Tea She's not allergic to anything apart from Quorn not Soy or Tofu or anything just Quorn as far as I'm aware and PILs don't like quorn FIL loves a proper BBQ in the summer with steak and sausages and burgers I think they're just being awkward. DD isn't majorly fussy, she dislikes mushrooms, but so do I

Lazy Sorry missed your post first time. Hope you're feeling better after your op! I will contact Gingerbread thank you. Health Visitor has also put me in touch with two charities who specialize in GDD and Hip Dysplasia so I can lean on them too for questions.

Hi didn't want to read and run.

Most local authorities have a welfare grant you can apply for in situations s like yours. It's often a one off or you can only apply once a year but may help.

I agree, salad leaves are a great thing to grow - easy to grow from seed (DD can help), they grow back, and can be grown on a windowsill. They really pay off as leaves are so expensive.
How's things now?

You sound amazing! What a top mama you are. I can only imagine the stress you're feeling with everything, to reinforce what others have said- Citizens Advice Bureau, food bank, and if you have a choice of supermarkets go to mysupermarket.co.uk you can see and compare all prices for the food you need in the hope to bring down costs.

You can do it!!! Don't give up!!

Sorry it's taken so long to update. Not rocking the single parenting thing today.

Health Visitor sent me some vouchers for fruit in the post that I can use at the supermarket. They're worth £4.10 a week per voucher, so DD will have fun picking some fresh fruit out, will also make my food shopping a bit cheaper.

DDs been in Nursery today. Got into a bit of a debate with the Room Manager. The nursery is open 7.30-6. But I tend to drop DD at 8am and pick her up again at 5pm on Tuesday and Wednesday and 4.30pm on a Friday. I like it like this, gives me a break and a chance to sort everything at home and her a chnace to mix but it's not so long that she's struggling by the end of the day. I did leave her 7.30-6 one day when I had a hospital appointment in the city about 50 miles away, and she was so tired by the end of the day that I didn't get a chance to spend any time with her as she was asleep before we got home.

Room Manager wants me to drop her at 7.30am and not pick her up before 5.30pm. She thinks she'll benefit from being in Nursery longer, her speech would develop faster and they could do more 1-1 with her after all the other children have left most children are picked up between 4.45pm and 5.15pm. I said I wasn't happy and liked the arrangements as they are. General Manager stepped in and said we could discuss it at parents evening next week. Not sure what to do/say. I know they're entitled to their opinions, but I do worry they'll feed back to DDs pediatrician and that could negatively affect her treatment.

Couldn't face the food bank. I just wasn't up to walking down there in the rain.

Nursery did give all the children a voucher to get a magazine from the local Morrisons though as an end of term treat so DD will enjoy that tomorrow too. And I did take a short detour home as there's a very busy level crossing that DD likes watching the trains at. We stand well back so we're not in anyones way, she laughs and waves at the trains as they go through.

Just not feeling with it today. Shouted at DD for trying to play with me earlier, and I don't even know why .

Can you compromise on dropping her promptly at 730 instead of a late pick up?

Mine have done 8-545 and were often beat by 5 - I'm a bit surprised at childcare professionals thinking they can get much productive out of small ones at 515+ after a full day.

I'd be inclined to also compromise on a set 5pm pick up if they're specifically promising extra attention. You could review after and agreed period and if hasn't made a difference, you tried.

Will try and get her in for 7.30, it can be awkward, but I have managed 7.35am when not rushing. No idea why it takes so long, it's a 20 minute walk with her in the pushchair, we're up at 6.30 and her clothes are out the night before, nothing to do but to get up and get dressed because Nursery give them breakfast at 9am can't see them trying 1-1 before breakfast

Have you considered changing your gas and electricity from prepayment ? Prepayment meters tend to have a higher tariff than direct debit. You can shop around for a cheaper supplier and get a fixed tariff .
Go on a water meter and get the water company to send you a water saving pack.

Just read this thread as your update popped it back to the top of the pile.

I just wanted to say that I think you're doing brilliantly well. Don't worry about snapping at your child; they'll not remember!

You sound very organised and competent and I'm sure with you in her corner your DD will go far.

Good luck with it all.

Hi OP still following you with utter admiration. Hope you are having a better weekend. You are your daughters hero/ champion even when you're having a shit day🥇💐

OP we are all bowing down to your strength and organisational skills. Clearly the best ma your daughter could have.

You say DH - are you married or was that an easy ref to an OH? You clearly know he's a loser who's left you and DD in the lurch, is battening off friends and what's more insulting the rest of us by not working - though you mention he's disabled in some way but clearly worked before.

Please don't let him back into your life and consult CAB for online divorce and tracking him for payments if not now then in the future.

Millie Yes married, got married April 2016 so only just over a year

Having a better day today.

Decided to let PILs have DD but not overnight, they had her from 11-4 which I felt was long enough for them to spend quality time with her, but not so long that they'd be able to tell DD anything.

I sent a packed lunch as it was over her lunchtime. Which didn't get eaten because they decided to see if she'd eat "what they were having" and apparently she ate all of her portion of homemade chicken soup and homemade bread I did tell them she'd eat anything didn't i? and when I went to get her from PILs house she was sat at the top of her slide mini packet of haribo in hand, which according to MIL was her second bag, she said FIL misheard her when she said she'd already had a bag and thought she'd said DD hadn't had a pack... likely story . MIL did comment she's nothing like STBEXH and his sister who are the fussiest eaters in the world STBEXH lived off chicken nuggets and pasta SIL lives off cheese and chips so I do wonder if thats where the providing food request came from they were worried she would be fussy, and had to see for themselves she wasn't. Apparently they can't wait to have her again, as she's an angel

And I'm now at my mums having a lovely rest. DDs flast asleep on the sofa, and my brothers offered to go to his dads (technically my dads too but I have no contact) so I can stay the night, tempting

I don't know if someone already mentioned it (couldn't see) but your gas and electric seem really high - maybe worth having a look to see if you can get a cheaper deal? We are in a 3 bed house and use the tumble dryer lots and never spend more than £35 a month on electric and in summer £15 on gas and we are on a meter. That could ave you quite a bit if you are able to get a cheaper deal x

Also meant to say. While DD was at her GPs my Grandma and Grandpa decided to take me out for a bit of what they call "Grandparent TLC". They took me for a hot chocolate, bought me a cake and then went a bit made buying me and DD chocolate, sweets and clothes in Tesco.

DD has 2 new hoodies, a new dress, a pack of tights (useful for Nursery as she loves wearing skirts), a pack of socks with grips on the soles (which are again useful for Nursery), 2 packs of giant buttons, a pack of chocolate digestives, a pick n mix, a kinder egg and one of those Peppa Pig surpise egg things I've only seen at Tesco.

They got me 2 new pairs of jeans, some new trainers, a pair of sandals all stuff I needed but STBEXH hated me buying anything because it meant he couldn't have money for cigerettes and playstation games and then they insisted on getting me the new beauty and the beast DVD and a bottle of wine so going to enjoy those.

They even got the cat some treats! I love my GPs