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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Found a positive pregnancy test in DSDs bedroom. DH will want her out. What the fuck do I do.

705 replies

K1092902 · 07/07/2017 22:21

I'm in actual genuine shock.

This isn't one of those "my teenage child is better behaved than your teenage child" because it isnt. She is far from perfect but She knows she can tell me anything and I will 100% support her decision on things.

Anyway- on to the topic.

DSD has been working hard all week and took DD out today as I was feeling unwell. She usually does her own laundry and ironing so I decided to do it for her today. Went to put some t shirts away in her drawers and found a positive pregnancy test. Thinking about it (and I know this sounds odd in a way) but I haven't cleaned out any sanitary products from her bathroom bin in the last 2 or 3 months. I know she has been sleeping with someone and she insisted she was taking precautions but as we all know accidents can happen. I assumed she was on the pill as my periods stopped when I was on it a couple of years ago

I was out when she came back with DD and she is now at work until half 12. I'm going to sit and have a chat with her and I know she is either going to be really upset because she doesn't know what to do or angry because she feels I have invaded her personal space- I genuinely didn't go looking for it. I opened the drawer and saw the end peaking out of a pair of slipper socks and knew straight away what it was.

DH is going to be fuming and will probably want to kick her out (can say this with 90% certainty). I will support her decision 100%.

She is 18 (just)

OP posts:
Thealbatross · 08/07/2017 00:08

Poor you, OP, and poor DSD. Do you think your DH truly meant that? That it wasn't poorly thought out scare tactics?

You were meant to find it, for her sake. This is one of the biggest things she'll ever need you for. Good luck!

Taylor22 · 08/07/2017 00:10

You need to be blunt with her as well as sympathetic.
If she wants to continue this pregnancy then her age is irrelevant. She is now a responsible adult.
And that may mean she does have to stand on her own two feet.

I'm not going to vilify your husband.
Maybe he doesn't want to raise someone else's baby.
If she's big enough to bring a baby into the world then she needs to understand the emotional, physical and financial responsibilities that come with that.
At the very least she should be adult enough to stand up and say that she is pregnant to her father (who currently supports her)
This does effect his life. Her actions and decisions are going to effect everyone under that roof. And as such while they can't tell her what to do they do get a voice.
He can and should voice what he expects of her. Wether or not she needs to find a new home as she now has her own family.
Wether or not she needs to make a larger contribution financially to the household as she has chosen to make it grow.

It's not evil to expect and adult to adult.

Scottishchick39 · 08/07/2017 00:13

Christ almighty, the poor bloke is getting torn to shreds here and he hasn't even said anything yet. Who knows how he'll react once he finds out, I imagine many fathers would say to there daughters that they'd kick them out if they were pregnant. However, most wouldn't if it really happened.

For years my parents said I was to leave when I was 18, even counted down to it until I did turn 18 and they didn't want me to leave. I say similar to my 15 year old that I'm counting down but I'll be gutted when she dies leave.

Give him a chance OP, he might surprise you all. Good luck to DSD xx

Scottishchick39 · 08/07/2017 00:14

Does not dies!

Butterymuffin · 08/07/2017 00:19

OP has said that 'if we all have to go' they can go to her mum's. So this is a man who is likely to eject not just his pregnant 18 yo daughter, but his wife and their younger daughter too, while he stays in the 'family home'. This is apparently a possible outcome. What a prince.

Taylor22 · 08/07/2017 00:22

But he wouldn't be kicking out his wife and infant chicks would he?
OP would choose to take his infant child and leave.

Would he kick her out then and there? Or would he tell her she has to find somewhere else to live by the time she deliver?
Because I don't see that as a bad act.

wooster16 · 08/07/2017 00:25

She's lucky to have such a kind SM in you. Hope the chat goes okay Flowers

ArchieStar · 08/07/2017 00:26

Just wanted to send a big unmumsnetty hug to you both 💛

DarkedonZilla · 08/07/2017 00:27

Another who doesn't believe in borrowing trouble, let's wait and see what transpires before divorce proceedings kick in. OP, your ds-d is very lucky to have you and your mum to help support her through this. Your DH may surprise you with his reaction, obviously he's not going to be thrilled at first, she's 18 and an unplanned pregnancy at that age is hardly what any of us wants for our kids, but he may come around far better than you expect, she's his daughter after all. It's easy to say you'll throw your kids out if they cross certain lines - shit, my pair would have been on the street from about age 8 if I'd followed through on the empty threats I made - but the reality is far different.

Didiusfalco · 08/07/2017 00:27

Good luck op. You sound like a great person to have on side!

prh47bridge · 08/07/2017 00:28

So this is a man who is likely to eject not just his pregnant 18 yo daughter, but his wife and their younger daughter too

That is absolutely not what the OP said. She said that, if he doesn't want to support his daughter, it will leave a crack in their relationship and they (the OP and her husband) will need to spend some time apart. So it is the OP choosing to spend some time apart from her husband, NOT her husband throwing her out.

inspiredbutohsotired · 08/07/2017 00:35

OP I just wanted to say, I'm 21 and fell pregnant during my final year of uni (this year), my daughter is due next month. My parents were completely unsupportive, my mum the most. I've moved in with my partner, had to work full time to support myself whilst finishing my degree - they didn't kick me out necessarily, but refusing to speak to me and telling me I was a disappointment I felt I had no choice. Now I've left I think they regret how they treated me for the first 6 months and are trying to make amends, but I can't really forgive some of the things they said. It's going to take a long time.
You sound like an amazing, supportive stepmum and you should be proud of yourself. I only hope i can treat my daughter as well as you're treating your DSD, If anything like this is ever to happen to our family. Flowers

midsummabreak · 08/07/2017 00:39

K109 Nobody could have done anything more than what you have done to support your DSD at her time of need. You are a gem. And if DH doesn't like it he can piss off. He can't change what has happened by throwing her out and is extremely stupid in this era to be thinking alone these lines. There is no shame in having an unplanned child at eighteen. You are doing the right thing K, babies and their young Mums need support, keep standing up for them.

Slinkymalinky1 · 08/07/2017 00:46

Thank goodness she has you on side Flowers I was in this position at 18 and I don't know where I'd be if my parents had turned their back on me. Good luck, she will be ok

Dragonfree · 08/07/2017 00:49

Really random point here.... I'm fairly sure it's not been mentioned, but I did skim read.

I did a pregnancy test years ago and it was negative (phew). Happened to look at it about 5 hours later and it was positive. Gave me an absolute heart attack. I wasn't pregnant (thankfully given my circumstances) and apparently the chemicals in the test react over time and will change.

So you never know, she may not be pregnant.

Rossigigi · 08/07/2017 00:56

I hope everything is going ok with your chat. I'm so glad she has a step mum like you on her side FlowersWine

hotchocolateandtrimmings · 08/07/2017 01:13

I hope everything is turning out ok!!! Sending happiness your way! WineFlowers

HesMyLobster · 08/07/2017 01:15

I was pregnant at 18, was absolutely petrified of telling my dad, was convinced he'd hit the roof. But when I finally did tell him he was absolutely amazing, I'll never forget the relief of that hug he gave me.
(DD is 17 now!)
Hopefully your DH will surprise you (if it turns out he needs to be told) but either way, your dsd is very lucky to have you, you sound ace!
Hoping everything turns out ok Flowers

winkywinkybumbum · 08/07/2017 01:19

You sound like a fabulous mother figure to your DSD Flowers

MrsTerryPratchett · 08/07/2017 01:22

She is lucky to have you and your mum. It's awful that her own mother isn't here to support her Sad

I do think that a certain amount of sympathy goes to anyone who is struggling with TTC, though. If you haven't been able to have another child your DH may feel conflicted about his DD having a baby (if she decides to).

If he is just a horrible insensitive arsehole though, that's quite another thing.

Lynnm63 · 08/07/2017 01:25

You sound lovely OP. Hopefully your dsd won't be pregnant but if she is your dh might be ok with it. It's one thing to say I'd kick her out but when push comes to shove he might surprise you.
Fingers crossed everything turns out ok.

Rossigigi · 08/07/2017 01:30

I just want to say I was 18 when I fell pregnant and petrified to tell my parents. The weight off my shoulders when I finally told them was massive. I don't think she will be angry with you I think she will be relived. Hopefully dad will be ok too.

GotToGetMyFingerOut · 08/07/2017 01:31

I got pregnant at 18. My dad was vile to me and insisted I got an abortion. We fell out for 5months and I moved to my mums. It was the loneliest time of my life as we are extremely close and I just wanted my dad.

He did come round and as soon as dd was born he adored her.

He needs to put his feelings aside and realise she's an adult and support her especially when she doesn't have her mum sadly.

It's not ruined my life. Now married to my husband with two more kids, our own house, cars, business. Thirteen years later. It's not the end of the world or her life, you just need to be there for her just now she might not even want to keep the baby. Listen to her and follow her lead. I wouldn't tell your husband till she is ready. Show her she has someone she can trust.

Kittybythelighthouse · 08/07/2017 01:44

You sound like a lovely step mum. Your husband sounds like a monster. I hope it all turns out ok for your poor stepdaughter. Please do help her.

IAmNotAWitch · 08/07/2017 01:51

Your DH is an idiot.

My sister was pregnant at 16, do you know what my dad did? He picked up some extra shifts/took a second job so my mum could help with the baby through the day so my sister didn't have to drop out of school.

We are an 'old fashioned' family, in that we look after each other when needs be.

Kick the DH out, not the DSD.