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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Found a positive pregnancy test in DSDs bedroom. DH will want her out. What the fuck do I do.

705 replies

K1092902 · 07/07/2017 22:21

I'm in actual genuine shock.

This isn't one of those "my teenage child is better behaved than your teenage child" because it isnt. She is far from perfect but She knows she can tell me anything and I will 100% support her decision on things.

Anyway- on to the topic.

DSD has been working hard all week and took DD out today as I was feeling unwell. She usually does her own laundry and ironing so I decided to do it for her today. Went to put some t shirts away in her drawers and found a positive pregnancy test. Thinking about it (and I know this sounds odd in a way) but I haven't cleaned out any sanitary products from her bathroom bin in the last 2 or 3 months. I know she has been sleeping with someone and she insisted she was taking precautions but as we all know accidents can happen. I assumed she was on the pill as my periods stopped when I was on it a couple of years ago

I was out when she came back with DD and she is now at work until half 12. I'm going to sit and have a chat with her and I know she is either going to be really upset because she doesn't know what to do or angry because she feels I have invaded her personal space- I genuinely didn't go looking for it. I opened the drawer and saw the end peaking out of a pair of slipper socks and knew straight away what it was.

DH is going to be fuming and will probably want to kick her out (can say this with 90% certainty). I will support her decision 100%.

She is 18 (just)

OP posts:
Ginlinessisnexttogodliness · 10/07/2017 22:54

That's dreadful disappointing. You should be immensely proud of opyourself though I know though who should be aren't. I would have done exactly the same and you are proof that being a mother and a parent is so much more than "just" giving birth to your own child,

On a practical note if his behaviour continues to deteriorate, it is my view that you should assert your legs, rights vis a vis the house. Why the hell should you and your child and his daughter be force dour of their home because he is unable to deal with what has happened.

I sincerely hope he comes round though I can totally understand why you would feel right now that your marriage is dangling by a thread. I don't know if I could stay with a man who has plummeted in my estimation quote so much and given me a glimpse of how he might turn on a other child shouldnshe ever fall short of his expectations.

It's very sad.
Stay strong, you are doing everything right and I'm very sorry this has happened

Ginlinessisnexttogodliness · 10/07/2017 22:55

Sorry for all the typos. Very tired, pregnant and struggling to get my daughter into bed. Again

BlueAndYou · 10/07/2017 22:55

Leave him to 'his' house.

Because that's all he'll end up with, him and his house.

And what was he going to say to the police? I'm confused Hmm

LittleWitch · 10/07/2017 22:55

I don't understand the calling the police bit? Pregnant DSD is of age, so no offence there, 3yr old DD is with her own mother Confused. What are the police meant to do? He's already said he wants DSD out - does he want the police to reinforce that message, somehow protect him from his pregnant daughter? Hmm? Bizarre, unless I've missed something, but i have RTFT.

qwertyuiop1234 · 10/07/2017 22:56

So sorry that he reacted the way you had thought Sad
I think it's great that your DSD has some insight into what having a baby entails (with her younger sister) and that she's wanting to keep the baby despite knowing how her father would react. It must be so hard for her to have known the reaction that was going to come from him.

Give her all of your love and support, as I'm sure you will.

He's sadly showing his true colours. My parents were gutted but nothing but supportive. My dad was quiet and moody at times but never aggressive.

I'm unsure why he's called the police, I'm not sure what the wrong doing here has been!

acatcalledjohn · 10/07/2017 22:58

I think he's trying to make out that 3YO DD has been abducted.

By her own mother, to her parents, who live locally.

It sounds utterly bizarre and has got to warrant a caution for wasting police time.

NSEA · 10/07/2017 22:59

Wow. What an awful way for a father to react to her news. Awful of the father of child too. Well done op

JaneEyre70 · 10/07/2017 23:02

I'm so sorry for you hearing your latest updates, but you've been so lovely to support your DSD through this. Poor kid must be absolutely terrified, and it's so good that she can talk to you and your mum. Your DH sounds a bunch of bananas, frankly, I only hope he calms down after a few days on his own in his house!!

Notevilstepmother · 10/07/2017 23:02

Silly man, what exactly does he want the police to do?

Op I know hugs aren't a thing here, but anyway hug

Lynnm63 · 10/07/2017 23:04

I'm so sorry op. I hoped your H had said if you get pregnant I'll throw you out to try and encourage safe teenage sex and when faced with a pregnant dd in reality would be dissappointed but supportive. Obviously you know him better than we do.
I think you sound lovely, he sounds an arse. Your mum is a star too. Give your dsd a cuddle from all us MumsNetters. Are there any other family members that could talk to your H, siblings or his parents? He risks losing do much as his dd may never forgive him.
I'd have loved to have been a fly on the wall when he phoned the police!

WashingMatilda · 10/07/2017 23:05

I'm police - don't worry about that element, no one with parental responsibility can 'abduct' a child.
I am so you are all going through this.
As an aside, I'm also a SM and would be doing exactly the same as you - your poor DSD, as if she hasn't been through enough

wishes you'd posted this on the stepparenting forum so the negative nellies that lurk there can see it

chowmeinchick · 10/07/2017 23:07

I remember thinking my mum would flip when I told her about getting pregnant. I was also 18. I couldn't tell her face to face so text her probably didn't help the situation at all but I was so scared. She was out at the time, came home crying and we had a massive argument about it. She didn't talk to me for a few days but realised she couldn't do anything about it after I was certain I was going to keep the baby. Even tho she told me a thousand times I would ruin my life. I can honestly say, although it's been difficult, keeping the baby was the best decision I've ever done.

I hope your husband does see sense, even if it takes a while. He does sound like a dick, but I'm hoping it's just him trying to be protective over his 'little girl' and can't deal with her growing up. He's acting like a complete idiot but hopefully he does change his opinions on it all over time.

Your step daughter has obviously had a rough few years and needs as much support as possible. I'm glad she has you, you seem like an amazing person.

thegirlupnorth · 10/07/2017 23:10

Poor you, DD and DSD. Hopefully your DH will come round.

prh47bridge · 10/07/2017 23:12

As you are married it isn't "his" house whatever he thinks. And if he thinks the police will help him get his daughter off you he is going to be disillusioned. He is being very silly (to put it mildly). He needs to support his daughter.

elevenclips · 10/07/2017 23:12

Let's hope he calms down op. This might just be an instant overreaction and his rage might subside.

TheSnorkMaidenReturns · 10/07/2017 23:13

I'm so sorry he's reacted as you feared. Flowers to all of you.

yikesanotherbooboo · 10/07/2017 23:15

What an example you are to your daughters. I think you are a true heroine.
Your DH may be scared and protective but he has lived to middle age. His daughter is young .I am so cross with him on DSD's behalf... school aged,!pregnant, mother sadly dead and now abandoned by her father... honestly... what a shit!

eviethehamster · 10/07/2017 23:16

Hopefully he will calm down, apologize for his childish behaviour and you all can move forward together as a family.

SlothMama · 10/07/2017 23:16

OP you sound like a wonderful supportive step Mum, she is so lucky to have you and your Mum on her side.

DH is an idiot for calling the Police, does he think the Police will solve this issue for him? Hopefully he'll calm down and see some sense in the morning.

VinIsGroot · 10/07/2017 23:18

......I'll just put it out there... I think you are amazing!!!!

Islacornx · 10/07/2017 23:18

Have been following the thread, I hope your DSD is doing okay and you too OP Flowers
I was 18 when I got pregnant with my DD and 19 when I had her. My mum was upset at first but quickly came round to be supportive, I didn't have the best of relationships with my dad so my mum told him and he went absolutely crazy. He refused to look at me let alone speak to me for the whole pregnancy and when my mum tried to show him scan photos he told her to never show him anything like that again and very nearly became violent. When I went into labour he said the most disgusting things to my mum about me and the baby and was very angry to the point where he was violent with my mum then. She asked for a divorce and he left before I came home with my DD. He's came round now and acts happy and affectionate every time he sees my DD and I but I won't ever forget or forgive the way he acted towards me and I'll never trust him with my DD. Fortunately my mum was and still is my rock and has been amazing throughout everything, I know you'll be the same with your DSD, you sound like a fabulous step mum! If your DH can be reasoned with I'd definitely try, hopefully he can calm down in a few days otherwise he's at risk of ruining his relationship with his DD x

StaplesCorner · 10/07/2017 23:23

There would be no coming back from this, for me. Well done OP I know you must feel like shit now but you are amazing.

Whose house it is, do you joint own it, rented etc? Hopefully he can fuck off out of there and the three of you can make a home together whilst you wait for new arrival.

PyongyangKipperbang · 10/07/2017 23:25

So he kicks one DD out for being PG and thinks that he is the best parent for his other DD?

He is fucking delusional.

Never mind this "might" be the end of your marriage, it fucking should be for the good of you, DSD and DD.

Werecoyote · 10/07/2017 23:28

I assume he has called the police because you took your 3 year old DD with you as well? As you are her mother the police will do zero about her being with you. Your DSD is 18 and a legal adult so can go where she likes.

I hope things calm down quickly for you all. You are an amazing step mum. You've basically risked your entire marriage to stand up for your DSD. That's not easy. Let her support you as well. You will get through this stronger if you look out for each other and both the DD you have now and the GDC to come. I know a family where the mother and daughter have similar age kids and they are an amazingly strong family. They do it by helping each other out and supporting each other.

Corcory · 10/07/2017 23:29

What a wonderful supportive step mum you are, good for you and your mum, bless. I'm a step mum too and hope I would have reacted the way you did when my DSD was that age.
I would only say that do make sure your DSD has as much info as she needs as things like adoption are very different now than they were years ago. Especially if you have decided to 'give up' the baby and not had the child removed as is the case in most adopted children's lives now. When the BM is shown not to have any negative impact on the child then SS can suggest that the adoption is as 'open' as possible if that's what the BM wants. this would mean that the BM could have meet up with her child several times a year and or get letters from the adopted parents etc.

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