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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Found a positive pregnancy test in DSDs bedroom. DH will want her out. What the fuck do I do.

705 replies

K1092902 · 07/07/2017 22:21

I'm in actual genuine shock.

This isn't one of those "my teenage child is better behaved than your teenage child" because it isnt. She is far from perfect but She knows she can tell me anything and I will 100% support her decision on things.

Anyway- on to the topic.

DSD has been working hard all week and took DD out today as I was feeling unwell. She usually does her own laundry and ironing so I decided to do it for her today. Went to put some t shirts away in her drawers and found a positive pregnancy test. Thinking about it (and I know this sounds odd in a way) but I haven't cleaned out any sanitary products from her bathroom bin in the last 2 or 3 months. I know she has been sleeping with someone and she insisted she was taking precautions but as we all know accidents can happen. I assumed she was on the pill as my periods stopped when I was on it a couple of years ago

I was out when she came back with DD and she is now at work until half 12. I'm going to sit and have a chat with her and I know she is either going to be really upset because she doesn't know what to do or angry because she feels I have invaded her personal space- I genuinely didn't go looking for it. I opened the drawer and saw the end peaking out of a pair of slipper socks and knew straight away what it was.

DH is going to be fuming and will probably want to kick her out (can say this with 90% certainty). I will support her decision 100%.

She is 18 (just)

OP posts:
BeingATwatItsABingThing · 09/07/2017 17:18

Momma, I know you were only asking but it made me suddenly very concerned that that was the case. Sorry if you thought I was aiming my disgust at you.

MommaGee · 09/07/2017 17:23

No problem, miscommunication is a Bing Thing!

I do think a responsible adult should know but that's about post op risks physically bar mentally, to answer thr question. And I think not telling and just the SM knowing would break the relationship if it ever came out

ComputerUserNotTrained · 09/07/2017 17:25

I don't think it's a wise threat Momma but if he has friends in situations like couple of mine (left literally holding their child's baby) I can see why he made it. FWIW I don't think I'd make the same threat myself, although I'd be very clear that the support I could offer would be limited.

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 09/07/2017 17:25

Lots of annoying things are Bing Things. Grin

NannyRed · 09/07/2017 17:31

If she wants your help she knows she can ask, leave it to her to approach you. She may already have plans for a termination or to move out. This is her problem, all you can do is let her know you are there for her. As for hubby, if he kicks her out, he an ass and you should let him know that.
If it was me, I'd say "if she goes I go" but I'm a stubborn old mule.

Sushi123 · 09/07/2017 17:41

Hope you let us know what she decides to do. I hope she wants to keep baby.

kaytee87 · 09/07/2017 17:50

momma if a doctor deems the child capable of understanding what's happening then the parents aren't informed. If the child is very young or is in danger then I think the correct authorities / parents are informed. However I don't think parents actual consent is ever sought as a parent would never have the right to force their child to carry and give birth to a baby.

mathanxiety · 09/07/2017 17:52

Has anyone contacted the university to see what support they can offer to a student who might have a baby in tow?

ChanandlerBongsNeighbour · 09/07/2017 17:53

Absolutely look in deferring uni for a year, I deferred my first year for medical reasons (I was awaiting an operation), when I was eventually given a date (sometime in the spring) it was for the September I was due to start uni after my deferment.

I was devastated, thinking I would lose my place/have to reapply etc. I rang the uni and they we're absolutely fantastic. They left it up to me whether I wanted to start late (contingent on starting by term 2) or defer for another year. I deferred another year (100% right choice as I was still not recovered fully by term 2).

It could open up more options for her if the pressure of the uni start is postponed.

ChanandlerBongsNeighbour · 09/07/2017 17:54

Oh and OP, you rock. DSD is so lucky to have you as it is testament to your relationship that you are able to communicate in this way x

rascallyrascal · 09/07/2017 18:43

OP you sound amazing. DSD is very lucky to have you x

Longtime · 09/07/2017 22:37

TheFirstMrsDV, I often think of you and your dd Sad

Rossigigi · 10/07/2017 00:51

I fell pregnant and gave birth just as I started uni so don't let this put her off. Massive hug for your dsd x

Atenco · 10/07/2017 01:34

I can see what requestingsunshine is trying to say

Me too. My mother died of cancer and I am not offended. There was a very funny letter many years ago from girl telling her parents that she had run away with 42 year old who was three times a widow, etc. etc. and then in the end she explains that it is not true, she'd just failed her A levels.

BeaderBird · 10/07/2017 03:00

Ahhh yes, the old 'abandon your children when they need you the most because that will teach them a lesson' technique.

Your husband's a total waste of space. LTB

ProfessorBranestawm · 10/07/2017 04:22

Glad you have talked to her. Will DH realise something is amiss when DSD stays at your mum's?

malificent7 · 10/07/2017 05:40

She's 18. She's an adult. Why would your tosser dh take issue with pregnancy Confused He sounds likea complete tool.
You sound lovely and supportive.

Mawalls · 10/07/2017 06:03

So, do all the people advocating kicking him out own their own home? Surprised it seems so common

TheGrumpySquirrel · 10/07/2017 06:06

I am late to this thread but as someone who had a child at 18 wanted to comment.

Firstly, it's not ideal but 18 is a hell of a lot better than 16. I considered terminating but was basically in denial that I was even pregnant so never went through with it. I had my DD on my gap year and started university when she was 5 months old. I got help with childcare costs and uni fees as the government considers you an independent student (i.e. Doesn't means test the parents) if you have a child of your own. Not sure if that's still the case. Lots of people said I'd not cope with uni but actually it's a lot more flexible than a job. I got to see DD lots and take her to school etc her first year (I did a masters degree afterwards). When she was 5 I met my now DH and am now 31 and happily married, with a great career. I couldn't have done it without family support and my now DH support in the early years of my career though.

I'm not against abortion at all, in fact vehemently pro choice. I don't think it needs to be massively traumatic for dsd. However having a child is a massive upheaval - also psychologically. It took me years to adjust to my new identity as a mother and I missed out on travelling and being a normal student.

Personally I could never have given my baby up for adoption that seems like the worst of all worlds to me. Once you decide to continue the pregnancy you are attached to that little thing.

Good luck to your DSD whatever her decision.

TestTubeTeen · 10/07/2017 07:22

whatsername Many, many people do not find abortion traumatic at all.

It may be that she needs to know that, and that she is 'allowed' to choose it as an option, no justification needed.

Whatsername17 · 10/07/2017 08:03

Yes, I agree teen. It's not a nice thing to go through physically though and the thought of it can be scary. One of my friends considers her termination the best decision she ever made. The other hasn't coped at all, even 10 years down the line.

ceecee32 · 10/07/2017 08:29

Its many years since I had an abortion and the world has changed but my decision was based on a negative.
I certainly didn't want to give birth and give up for adoption
I didn't want an abortion
But I didn't want to be pregnant more than I didn't want an abortion.
I have no regrets - it was the best thing for me at 17.

ShowMeWhatYouGot · 10/07/2017 08:47

On the other hand, why are you with a man who can treat his DD like this?

Poor girl

SoupDragon · 10/07/2017 09:59

Many, many people do not find abortion traumatic at all

My GP once said to me that the people who view it as a problem to be solved cope far better than those who view it as a baby. Perhaps over simplified but it is probably true.

qwertyuiop1234 · 10/07/2017 10:09

I was pregnant at 18, had my son at 19 and I've just left University with a 2:1 and have a teaching job lined up.
There's just the two of us and we are extremely happy, he has made me who I am today.

My parents were horrified and wanted me to have an abortion but soon came around to the idea within a month or so. My son is the centre of our family and has brought us all together.

So having a child young isn't the end of the world like many seem to think. He has made me the person I am today!

On the other hand, I've always wanted a baby and I realise not everyone feels that way. But I just wanted to show you things can and do work out OP.

A friend of mine had a baby younger than me and although she hasn't done anything academically or through work, she's raised a gorgeous little boy, is getting married this year and has a little girl on the way. So a completely different story to my own but another happy life!